Marriage on Your Mind?

[Zakariye]

s/alaykum

This is a great topic,and those of us who are married know what you all of you seekers are suffering,mental illussion,in a respect manner.

First it is true the brother said elequently, yes marriage comes different shape ,size and expectation. But at the end it is called Marriage.

a- you can marry for Money,

b- or beauty

c-or Marraige itself

so if your marriage is one of the first two then you get what you deserve, money get short , you marriage is never going to last. and if you get married for beauty then age will be a factor so you are out of the door and your replacement will be found soonly then you expect, so you get what you put into it. But if you get married for marriage itself then it will last long and the ending will be forever ask me about it.No temptation .

 

c/salam

[Nur]

Zakariey br.

 

 

Well put

 

 

Accodring to te hadeeth, people consider four factors for marriage and their mates:

 

1. attraction

2. Wealth

3. Nasab ( family relationships)

4. Faith campanion, somene who helps you in growing in your deen.

 

 

An Egyption proverb sums this up:

 

" Idaa tazawajtal qirda li maaluh, yaruuxul maal, wa yabqal qirda calaa xaaluh"

 

If you marry a monkey for his money, money goes away, and you endup with a monkey with no money.

 

Likewise, all temporal attributes ( those swept away or go with the wind) are not good for selecting a mate, but rather a more lasting quality like faith and iimaan as the prophet SAWS suggested:

 

" fadhfar bi thaata deen"

 

Choose a woman with faith.

 

 

Nur

[LuCkY]

Nur i understand that-got it,i was going somewhere eLse with this nevertheLess i wiLL get back to you once i get my thoughts together.

[Changed]

salaam caleykom

nur could u ellaborate on nassab bro ..By family relantionship do u mean cousin or tribes?how would that effect a marriage ?, it has always confused me

[Nur]

Miz Unique

 

Before the advent of Islam, Arabs conssidered the lineahe of a potential spouse as tribal allegiances were crucial to the warring desert clans ( Just like ours in Somalia today, see how far back in history we have fallen back sis?)

So, the linneage meant a lot to them. Linneage alos meant that a family known for good character would beget a good seed, so it was assumed that if the mother wa of good character, the daoughter would also be the same.

 

When Islam came all of that was abolished, the Prophet SAWS advised that Nasab, wealth, beauty not to be the primary reason for selecting a mate, rather DEEN, since it was the most reliable and important in the sight of Allah SWT.

 

It was reported that the Prophet SAWS said :

 

" He whose bad deeds slow him down ( from entering Jannah) his NASAB would not speed him up"

 

 

Nur

[Rahima]

" He whose bad deeds slow him down ( from entering Jannah) his NASAB would not speed him up"

Nur, akhi, could you please tell us where you got this xadiith from (if it's not too much trouble) and its classsification.

 

jzk

[Nur]

Rahima

 

Kutubul Sitta al sixaax on the rescue!

 

The Arabic Text read something like this to the best of my recolection:

 

" Man abdaa bihii camaluhu, lam yusric bihi nasabuh"

 

The Hadeeth is more likely saxiix or xassan, but I shall get the full SANAD, line of narration for you sis, it is not trouble at all, just a pleasure.

 

Nur

[Coloow]

Nurow,

 

saaxib the concept of NASAB has been abused (just like several other things). As you correctly mentioned it has to do more with character than biology.

 

I have seen several kitaab-gaabloows and kitaab-dheer using the concept to mean reer jaa-jabo!

 

common sense tells us, marriage being an institution that would last long and result (in many circumstances) offsprings rests upon four pillars:

 

Good character (nasabnimo)

good faith (islamnimo)

Good economic foundation (Maal)

good chemistry (dooq).

 

In the good old days when men were men and women were women, afar faataxo marriages survived because the four were albeit latent present.

 

What we are witnessing nowadays is beeso-caashaq, beeso caabud, beeso-nasab, beeso dooq!

 

waa suaale waad baahantahay baqti ma loo cunaa?

 

 

p.s gabadhii aan haddaan reer garamgaram nahay kuu alkunay goormaad xalaalteeysani?

[Nur]

Enterprenuer Bro.

 

I am eagerly waiting your invitatition, you make the call, I wouldn't stay here anylonger anigoo Nool.

 

Nur

[Bambina]

Salam to all of you! Nur,thanks for posting this topic,it's very interesting.

I believe that what is important in marriage is the level of deen of our partners.After all,it is a must that we find someone who follows islamic guidelines such as prayers,ramadan,zakat etc...

But sometimes it's hard specially when the heart does not listen which brings the question if dating a guy who does not follow Islam is a risk.

 

As humans we are not perfect and go through some changes.I believe that a guy can change when he finds a hijabed sister but I also know that he would not change his bad habits just for love.If he knows that the girl he's interested in takes Islam seriously he's conscious enough to know that in order to be with her he has to be a better muslim.I often heard stories where bad boyz or girls became pious when meeting the right person,a miracle is always possible.

 

But it is preferable that we become better muslims for Allah not for someone else.But then again let's not forget that is sometimes through people's advices that we change for good.

If we want to know if a person will meet our expectations the best thing to do is having an honest discussion for example about the qualities you would like to see etc.. Because if people do not communicate it will lead to misunderstandings and by having an opened conversation you will know if a guy or girl is worth to know or if you have to move on.

[Nur]

Bambina

 

Great remarks indeed, what most readers are stressing is the minumum acceptable characteristic of the husband to be, all agree that prayers are a must, cuz it is the pillar of Islam, and if a person does not know his maker well enough as to worship him, how can a sister trust her future on hopes that he will change.

 

It is said that men marry a woman hoping that she will not change, and she does ( physical appeal) and women marry a man hoping that he will change, but he never does ( Character ).

 

 

So, I am reposting an old joke someone emailed me a while back which may be appropriate on this thread.

 

 

The Husband Super Market

( some editing done on the original )

 

There was this "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.

 

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

 

First floor: The door had a sign saying, "These men make salaat, have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say,"Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

 

Second floor says: "These men make salaat, have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hmmm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?

 

Third floor: "These men make salaat, have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and are great cooks and housekeepers. "WOW!" say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they go.

 

Fourth Floor: "These men make salaat, have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and are active in Dawa and community work. Oh mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further up! So up to the

 

fifth floor they go.

 

Fifth floor: The sign on the door said, "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Please exit the building and have a nice day."

 

 

Nur

[Sabha]

Salaam to you all. thanks for posting this topic its very important topic Marsha Allah. nowerdays its hard to find a good muslim brother to marry, many weman give up on marriage.

 

.

[Haneefah]

Originally posted by Nur:

It is said that men marry a woman hoping that she will not change, and she does ( physical appeal) and women marry a man hoping that he will change, but he never does ( Character ).

So sad yet so true!

 

And about your "husband market" example, I don't think it's exclusive to women and when choosing a mate only...I think it's more of a universal/instictive characteristic that we humans possess in hopes of acheiving the best and getting closer to "perfectness". That little voice that tells us just "what if I take that one further step" is turned on at one point or another in all of us...so in a sense, we can all be impossible to please in many aspects of life.

 

As far as this particular subject of choosing a husband, I'm not really sure if I understand your research proposal...yacni, what exactly are you trying to find the solution to? Or better yet, what's your hypothesis? By observing how the sisters reply to this scenerio, and by seeing if they're willing to compromise something as significant as the deen when it comes to choosing their potential husbands, are you hoping to deduce something about where most of the sisters lie on the spiritual spectrum?

 

Anyways bro Nur, it's an interesting topic and I'm looking forward to seeing your conclusions

[Nur]

Nafisa sis

 

You are a hidden treasure, how come you don't write more often?

 

Now to answer your question:

 

As an internet Dawa activist, in the course of my chosen path of helping others grow and find peace, I have come across many situations that need to be addressed so that we all reach our full potential in serving Allah SWT in our respective capacities, Allah SWT says:

 

" Wab taghi fiimaa aataaka Allahud daaral aakhira"

 

Seek the hereafter life with all that Allah has granted to you"

 

In my capacity as a volunteer and as a Somali Muslim one-man web activist, Allah has given me the gift of moderation and facilitating discussions which I discovered few years back, and ever since, Allah SWT has given me the honor of this great job of mine, and in that spirit I posed this topic to understand how the nomads reason given the conflicting moral and material issues that need to be resolved if we have to focus without distraction on the purpose of our creation.

 

As a facilitating volunteer and Dawa activist, I do not expect people to change overnight to become better muslims in every aspect of their lives, I settle for little but continously increasing increments of improvements, so that after couple of years the person who reads my posts grows mature in their Islamic Character and outlook with respect to their decision making skills. Once they mature in the decision making art, it becomes easy for them to approach Allah SWT and strongly hold on to the siraatul Mustaqeem, my final goal.

 

 

But holding on to Siratul Mustaqeem is no picnic, there are many distractions, and Marriage is such topic that most people, married or non married have to a degree, some problems with, and nothing can prepare anyone to this institution other than to connect them with Allah SWT in a very cibaadah-intimate way. But to that effect and dimesnion, though some writers marginally mentioned, it was not the center stage criteria for the Nomads criteria.

 

So, in this thread i learned a lot of how many nomads think about marriage and where it falls in the list of their vital priorities, and as a volunteer facilitator, it helps me select the proper topics that can attract, keep and improve the spiritual dimension of these nomads who need a friend when they feel strange within their Caravan family.

 

InshaAllah, I will summarize the findings and post before the topic is milked to the rim.

 

 

Nur

 

Nurtle Social Engineering Labs

Helping Emotionally Challenged Nomads

[Changed]

As far as this particular subject of choosing a husband, I'm not really sure if I understand your research proposal...yacni, what exactly are you trying to find the solution to? Or better yet, what's your hypothesis? By observing how the sisters reply to this scenerio, and by seeing if they're willing to compromise something as significant as the deen when it comes to choosing their potential husbands, are you hoping to deduce something about where most of the sisters lie on the spiritual spectrum?

heheheeh well not my thoughts exactly but i was wondering the samething a while ago

 

nafisa Ramadan kareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem