Marriage on Your Mind?

[Haboon]

Salaam

 

Dear Rahima

I once read that the only thing that can change someone's destiny or character is dua, so even if u came across a no good brother with some prayer he might change, don't give up on that dream husband, there are alot of decent brothers around it just takes time to find them

 

I luckily do not fall into the catogory you decribed Nur but i hope you don't mind me participating in ur discussion

 

RAMADAN KARIIM

[Nur]

Habboon sis

 

That was an uplifting message to Rahima, she lives in Melbourne Australia off the great barrier reef, under which some of the worlds most beautiful creatures live, unfortunately, the world down under is far more soothing than the one above for her, but in time she willl find someone who she will say to " Halkeed ku nooleyd waayahaan oo dhan?"

 

 

As for your participation, I think your name says it all.

 

 

Nur

[Ranya]

Salam to all and Ramadan Kareem

 

It seem logical to give a person a chance, but this isn't the best situation to take the chance. If he doesn't have it together Islamically speaking, then why chance it? In the ideal world you can take the chance and you may happen to change him, but there's also the possibility of him changing you. Since your going to be around this person more than other people they can influence you slowly. I know its diffenent than choosing a friend, but in some ways it's the same. If you and your best friend and different Islamically, one is going to influence the other, you can change them or they can choose you. Besides a person not praying is a major no no. That's just pushing it. However, its only me opinion.

[Raxmah]

Generally speaking first we make our habits, and then our habits make us. For me to give a person a chance to change themselves to become better muslim is more than am willing, but the person has to be serios about changing their habits to better themselves, I have been in a situation I was interested in someone just to disappoint my self, becuase they really didn't care about Islam, or weren't willing to make changes of their habits, like only praying when they had time, and it was basically second nature to them.

 

Its true that we all have our flaws and no one is perfect, but for us women, well I should say me--have too much expectations for guys which I still I have to find, which makes me question my self if its at all possible to find someone that fits in that profile.

 

So until I know for sure, that guy is someone I can spend the rest of my life with and Islam is on his priority list, I'm not comprimising cause at the end I will have to live with the consequences of my decision.

[Baashi]

Nur,

Marriage on Your Mind? No, nevertheless, will share my thought on this.

 

I’m of the opinion that there are many single Somali men/women around, Allah-fearing, Sunnah-abiding nomads. Even the ones who are affected by the “Qasaawatul Qalbi” lapse can positively respond to the calling when it is presented by strong-willed, dignified, maxajabah-muslimah. After all, they showed interest in her because they’ve seen something noble in the way she carries herself. It follows that they value the deen. As long as prospects (both gender) have the seed of Islam in them, they fulfilled the faith criterion.

 

Incidentally, it is “other” qualities that give us a window of opportunity to assess a potential prospect: his attitudes on life (materialistic vs. non-materialistic), whether he get along his siblings, parents, friends, etc. (temper), whether he is arrogant or humble (good listener), whether he is from stable family (perpetual dispute between loved ones will inevitably spill over to ur household), does he has a source of income (to maintain a family), etc. These ^, along faith criterion, is what one should consider in the screening process. Our faith in Allah can be restored, nourished and nurtured if there is the will. We can’t presuppose a prospect will lack the will once the nikaah concluded.

 

Courage, with understanding that life has many twists and turns, is required when considering a challenging proposition such as marriage. It is risky-taking exercise. After all, to love is to take the risk of not to be loved in return. However, sometime calculated risk must be taken. To weigh your options carefully and realistically is one thing, to strive to find perfect mate as if there is a perfect human being or soul mate is another thing. The former is an act of prudence. The later, in my humble opinion, is waste of time.

 

It is the attitude we embrace that prevent us to see the inner beauty of some of those who approached us. It is the idea of casting others, catogerically, as not deserving mates without knowing a bit about them that is erecting barriers between potential mates.

 

In closing, let me say that marriage is an act pleasing to Allah. It is not permanent lock lest you make an error of judgment in choosing your spouse. It is the only Islamic way to fulfill the biological instinct to have sexual intercourse. If you are healthy, are able to maintain a family, can not hold your sexual passions, can not fast to control this urge, then it is wise to marry the next best mate in the event you can’t find the so-called soul mate.

 

Ramadan Karim.

[Rahima]

lol@" Halkeed ku nooleyd waayahaan oo dhan?"

 

I must admit I read the replies with great amusement , especially those of you Nur,lool. Tanag you for your concern, but what I meant was my expectations I think were too high, I was expecting someone who does not exist anywhere in the world. Australia is not lacking in Faaraxs, but as Baashi rightly pointed out, there are other issues one must look out for aside from character and diin, like what is your family going to think, his family, his future prospects (someone with goals), his appearance etc.

 

As for being ready, personally (as I cannot speak for all sisters) I don’t believe I’m ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage, not to mention I still have to finish off school (which I know is not a good enough excuse, but I have been going for so long, why waste it?) therefore I believe it is best I put it off for some time.

 

Haboon, mahadsanid walaal, i shall take your advice on board. Who knows oneday i might need to put it into practice

[Nur]

A greeting from Allah, blessed and Good to All.

 

Dear Nomads

 

I am really proud of you all, after reading all of your input into this great topic, I came to the conclusion that there is lot of Kheyr in the audience MashaAllah.

 

Comments by Lucky, Flying Still, Haboon, Modesty, Ranya, Baashi, Raxmah and Rahima were are all candid, and very helpful, together these comments have helped put together the Puzzle although few pieces are still missing, it makes me happy to know that we are all looking a problem from different prespectives and are actively learning crucial facts outside of the ring (marriage), because once we you are in the ring, no coaching will help.

 

I am collecting the gems of your thoughts, I will organize it and present it in a structured manner so that by the time this thread is exhausted, we can publish this work as a Nurtle Social Engineering Research Paper, in research, we normally do not know what we are doing, because if we did, it would not be a research, so throw as many points of view on this topic as you can imagine.

 

 

Few writers have provoked my thinking, Ranya and Baashi, Humble Ranya made great points, but admits it is only her opinion, maashAllah tabarakallah, keep it coming sis, wallahi it made me thinking, also Bashi Bro. made such great analyses as to pull me out of my chair, and as usual Sis rahima who create such ineterst level that made this thread a must read, proving that each and every Nomad has special gift from Allah SWT to share and it is through dialogue and listening while respecting other points of view can we grow and mature in our quest and search for solutions to find the companion of life who will help us saty the course, seeking the pleasure and joy of sight of Allahs Magnificent

face.

 

 

Question To Brother Baashi?

 

Life is a puzzle, in this topic we discussed the complication of a brother who may not be accepted by sisters as a mate because of his spiritual profile, however you've created a brand new problem in this thread, a wise brother like Baashi who is not looking, that is really puzzling. What do you have to say to that br.?

 

 

Nur

[Xafsa]

I once read that the only thing that can change someone's destiny or character is dua

Good point sis.

But May allah guide us all to make the right dicision. We can never know what we will do unless we are in that situation...I have found that praying salaatul istikhaara really sets your mind at ease when ever you have conflicting thoughts.

Ramdan Kariim to all!

 

Nur- Looking forward to your write up insha alaah.

[Baashi]

Question To Brother Baashi?

 

Life is a puzzle, in this topic we discussed the complication of a brother who may not be accepted by sisters as a mate because of his spiritual profile, however you've created a brand new problem in this thread, a wise brother like Baashi who is not looking, that is really puzzling. What do you have to say to that br.?

Nur

I'm a married man. My qallanjo is more than good enough for me. That's why I'm not looking. Sorry to confuse you brother.

 

Looking forward to the 'paper' on Marriage by Nurtell Social Engineering Research.

[Complex Mind]

Assalamu Alaikum and Ramadaan Kareem to all,

 

Masha'Allah, this is a very interesting and beneficial thread. I know too many people caught up in this type of a situation. So, insha'Allah, I'd like to add my two cents...

 

As we all know, marriage is one HUGE step into a world that, no matter how many tips you get, you can never be fully prepared to take it on. It's a learning process but there are key ingredients that need to be there so that this dish could be one that both spouses love.

 

To me, it is unacceptable to consider a brother who does not pray regularly as a potential marriage partner. As sister Raxima stated, the ulemaa label someone who does not pray as a kaafir. Salah is one major thing that separates a Muslim from a Kaafir. It's difficult for me to take advice from some of my siblings who do not pray, simply because of the fact that they don't pray (may ALLAH guide them and us). I see a person who is missing their connection with ALLAH (swt) so how could I take this person's word of advice to make my major decisions?? And what can be said about such an important decision in a Muslim's life: marriage?

 

Brother Baashi made some very insightful points, may ALLAH (swt) reward you and make your marriage a fruitful one that benefits you and the Muslim Ummah, ameen. There are many things that need to be considered once you are in the ring of scoping for a partner. First thing's first, is the deen a major in his life? If so, continue because that's a huge star right thurr!! Second, how compatible are the two of you? Do you agree on many major issues in the deen? Do your goals generally meet on the same line? Do you enjoy talking to him? The list goes on but I think you get my flow...

 

Ofcourse there are going to be things that you won't like about this person or that you wish were a bit more different to your pleasings, but alas, the perfect person does not exist. As the Prophet (saw) advised me about their wives that they will see something that displeases them about their wives but just concentrate on the things that pleases them.

 

To address the issue about sisters not feeling that they are 'ready' for marriage. I don't believe that anyone is ever ready for marriage. You need to consider the high status that marriage has in Islam and how we were warned against rejecting a man that has deen, as it is one of the major causes of fitan.

 

I have a couple of other things to add but alas I must get the afur ready. May ALLAH (swt) accept our fasting and make us of those whose final abode is Jannah. Ameen.

 

Wa Aakhiru Dacwanaa an Alhamdu'lillah Rabbil Caalameen...

[Complex Mind]

Sorry just had to make a correction before there is a misunderstanding.

 

I meant to say: As the Prophet(saw) advised MEN not ME, MEN!!!

 

Jazzak'Allahu khayran.

[LuCkY]

SaLaaMz,

 

I have a question Nur.ShouLd one that is not financiaLLy stabLe be worrying about marriage?Marriage needs aLot of work-financiaLLy-emotionaLLy-and compromising on both spouses part.Marriage itseLf is a debt-so shouLd one who is not financiaLLy secure be out hunting for a spouse?Im thinking in the sense of Long term rather than the first ten days ya know.You know how it goes biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs-etc.etc.etc.

 

 

I have seen too many weird(couLdnt find a better term)scenarios-its aLL fine and dandy-happy faces at the wedding-bride and groom go home and its a different story.ALL or whatever LittLe of money they had is spent on the wedding and nothing is saved for Later use-in this case severaL months after the wedding took pLace-the biLLs start to stack up in the maiL and the debt issue becomes worse<---maybe this is one of the factors of somaLi divorce rates.Here is a quote that comes to mind:Money is the Root of aLL EviL and Man needs Roots.This causes various probLems among the spouses...now how can a home that Lacks harmony be suitabLe or stabLe for both of them and any offsprings they may have?Money issue contributes to many disputes among married coupLes Leading to bickering and eventuaLLy divorce.

[Coloow]

Assalamu calaykum, soon wanaagsan,

 

Nuurow saaxib xagga labeeysiga, saddexeeysiga ama afareeysiga ka waran?

 

ama qofkii hal mar ku dhaca imtixaanka rajo ma leeyahay? Timirtii horey ayaan dab u waayey anigu!

 

 

In the good old days, marriage was a revered institution, a social contract that is not only between two consenting adults but a matter for the whole community. Before we became outcasts that are loathed in world metropolis, the Somali marriage was marked by preparation, consultation and dialogue. I remember as a young KURI, how our elders met under a qurac tree and planted the seeds for marriages that never ended up in courts (well they actually did, but the courthouse then was village elders).

 

A somali man who reached the noble age of qaangaar was required to be mentally fit, culturally competent and economically sufficient (entrepreneurial ideas could also be accepted if they were deemed to lead to economic independency). The Somali man was expected to provide proof of his ability to economically sustain a marriage. In most cases, the father or mother provided him with some camels, goats, cattle, land and in some cases a few thousand shillings to start a new life.

 

The Somali gashaanto (NB there were other titles such as gumeeys, Geesxer (another term for caasi) and sometimes the garoob was trained for the act of motherhood. She would from the age of 7 trained to cook, respect, etc. These were often transmitted using tacit forms. The Somali gashaanto was for instance not allowed to raise her voice, she could name few words including “musqul” because she would normally wake up before the other members of the family to cook, milk and perform other duties.

 

The ceremony normally begins with a meeting of the elders under a qurac tree, it could be in a moowlac, masjid or at one of the homes. The bridegroom’s family starts the negotiations. These are often intense and would include questions to detect if there are some mental hinders (ciyaal suuq, iskoris) of the groom, his economic statues etc. The bridegroom’s family is drilled while the bride’s family would slaughter a sheep or a goat.

 

Satisfied the elders shake hands, recite afar faataxo and in some cases duca.

 

If there is a family tie between the bride and groom this ceremony actually is performed using AFAR FAATAXO…. Only intelligent grooms are honoured with the words “Adeer afar faataxa ayaan kuu maray, wiil baari ah ayaad tahay, gabadheeydana waan ku siiyey”.

 

 

The above two kinds of marriages seldom end up in divorce sababtoo ah waay barakeeysanyihiin.

 

Enter the qaxooti years!!! Waxbaan aragnay. The decay of the Somali marriage in the Diaspora started in Somalia when the afar faataxo and elder-induced marriage were abandoned. Somalis in Somalia became urbanised YACNI reer magaal. Wixii aay waalidiinteena ka xishoon jirey ayaa norm noqday. Ilbaxnimo (jaahilnimo) lacageey, lacageey…. Greed… Gabadhihii afarta faataxa ayaa yaraadey… waxaa batay kuwo lacag lagu nikaaxiyo.

 

Opportunism ama sida cilmiga dhaqaalaha “profit maximization” . Jaamac, a civil servant turned civil thief established himself a bargaining position to wed the most beautiful and influential woman. Cambaro, would not wed fiidow, a potential donkey owner, however good he is…. Etc

 

Markii la soo yaacay (dadkii berkaasa indudeen) sahan la’aan. In the old days people sent a survey mission before they moved. The Somalis left Somalia without the sahan… we came to carli gaaleed with good welfare.

 

Kalmado badan oo aay ka mid yihiin WAALFAYA, SINGOL MAADER; ANDHAR EEJ ayaa nagu soo biirey. These terms would turn out to be the antithesis of the Somali marriage as a social institution.

 

The man suddenly became a prisoner of his own making. He feels that he is mentally castrated because in the western societies the state provides the necessities that the MAN was required to do. Jaamac and Fiidow did not accept that they live in another world. They still maintained the old saying “qorqod qoraansidheer” when their women folks asked them to cook, clean! It was ashame for the man to come to the sacred place called JIKO, Cushin. The man after all did not have the time to waste.. Those were sacred areas for the xaawaley to exchange gossips.

 

But Jaamac and Fiidow were illuminated. Their peers in afbarwaaqo were hardworking men. The notion of state, family or other people taking care of their wives would have made many men to be humiliated. In the act many would have earned the title of ***** ; Q******; M*** etc

Cambaro iyo Jiija iyagana they felt they have gained a testicle. On the idaacadaha gaalaada they hear about feminism. They are aware that the man only consumes. Cost variable. The only thing he contributes with is Qaaylo, kibir, jaad ii gad sigaar iigad…. And they asked the question : WHAT IS JAMAC’s value?

 

Marka nuurow waan ku faraxsanahay moowluucaani saaxib…..

[Thinkerman]

very interesting read saxiib much appreciated

[Nur]

Great reponses

 

Jazakumullahu Khair

 

 

If you are Brother Bashi or Brother Entreprenuer wives please stop here! Do not read beyound this point.

 

 

Bashi, you made me smile bro. now I remember what a non Muslim exclaimed when she met this intelligent Muslim guy: " are you married, she asked" , " why ask this question" he responded

" well, after discussing many issues, i grew interested in you" she said

" I am sorry, I am married" he said , The woman, was so hurt, she said in desparation " everytime I meet an intelligent guy, he is married"

 

 

But coming back to entreprenuer's suggestion, I believe that you have unleashed a very sensitive topic for married women, unmarried women and married men. Tis topic can be very dangerous or beneficial, it all depends on how it is treated.

 

But as the Chief Social Engineer at NURTEL Polygamy Research Division, I am ready to share the latest breakthroughs in this topic. ( Viewrs from UK , specially London need not look here)

 

 

But this topic needs a thread of its own.

 

 

Lucky walaal

 

you write:

 

"I have a question Nur.ShouLd one that is not financiaLLy stabLe be worrying about marriage?Marriage needs aLot of work-financiaLLy-emotionaLLy-and compromising on both spouses part.Marriage itseLf is a debt-so shouLd one who is not financiaLLy secure be out hunting for a spouse?Im thinking in the sense of Long term rather than the first ten days ya know.You know how it goes biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs biLLs-etc.etc.etc."

 

 

Answer:

 

 

According to sunnah, it is the other way around, you do not marry when you have enough money, rather you marry to get wealth, because, chastity is virtue that Allah SWT loves and supports by sending a special check called the Rizq check, so you can either stay poor and unmarried or you can tie the knot quickly, do your best , ( if you are the male, to earn for your woman, and if you are the female to help your man)

 

According to hadeeth, the most blessed marriage is the least expensive one.

 

 

Nur