Correspondence

[NGONGE]

06/12/2006

 

From Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com

 

To: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com

 

Hi friend. I see the Islamists are giving you a hard time and are threatening to attack your new capital just because of my few thousand soldiers there! Have you told your people that we are there to help train your forces?

 

Great news from the UN, George has done it again.

 

Ps

Kindly have a word with your fellow Somalis and ask them to stop threatening Ethiopia. They’re making me look bad in the eyes of that fat Eritrean nobody.

 

Toddle pip.

--------------------------------------------

08/12/2006

 

From: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com

To: Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com

 

Hi Mel,

These troublemakers are your brother-in-law’s responsibility. I spoke to him about them and he assures me that he has no power over these ruffians. His sources told him that they’re being encouraged by Eritrea! Is it not possible for you to have a word with your fellow Tigrian there and ask him to stop making trouble in my land?

 

Ps

Received your lovely Eid gift. Those 20,000 toy soldiers and the replica fighter jets will come in handy one day, I’m sure. I’m sorry that I did not send you anything in return. I’ve been extremely busy with domestic matters. Anyway, your Christmas is not until January, right? Well, expect a very sizeable gift from the Somali nation soon. Do you like land by any chance? Or would you prefer having a holiday Villa near one of our many ports?

 

Tally ho

 

-------------

From: Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com

To: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com

 

Hi Abdi,

I had a feeling that Eritrean fox was behind it all. I really need to have a word with him and finally clear the air. This can’t go on for much longer, my friend.

Last night, I got a call from George. He expressed his sadness at your current predicament and offered to help you out. He knows what a proud man you are so he decided to send his help to me and asked me to, discreetly, pass it in turn to you. I invited him for lunch and told him that you’ll be there. Sadly, he declined because of his amazing workload. It seems that the boys in Iraq are insisting on having a big New Year party. George is not against it in principle but is worried about the reactions of those that don’t celebrate New Year. At any rate, the party has not been confirmed yet.

 

Did my brother-in-law tell you that I phoned him and discussed those ruffians with him? He told me that they’re threatening to invade my country. Really now, Abdi, something has to be done about those boys. I of course I’m obliged now to talk to my people and give the image that I’m going to retaliate with all that I’ve got should these ruffians ever attempt to invade my country or disrupt our daily lives. I trust that you have this problem under control and I will not have to act on these promises of mine.

 

Ps

A Villa near the sea sounds grand. I’d be extremely grateful if you ensure that I’m allowed to bring a yacht or two.

 

Toddle pip

 

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17/12/2006

From: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com

To: Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com

 

Hi Mel,

George has always been so kind. Pass on my eternal gratitude and tell him that I too do not agree with the Iraqi New Year party. Not in the way those silly Iraqis mean to celebrate it. Bah Humbug! It seems that great politicians like you, George and I are a rare breed nowadays. I mean look at that Eritrean rhino and the way he stirs up unrest in my country. What have I ever done to him to deserve that?

Those ruffians have given me an ultimatum! They’re jealous of your gifts to me and are demanding that I give them back. Five of those seven days have already gone. My patience is at an end. I think I’m going to ditch my ‘loving father’ image and show these ruffians a bit of tough love. Do you at all mind if I used your toy soldiers in this task?

 

Ps

Keep pretending anger to your people. The situation here is under control.

 

Pps

 

Can you really not do something about that Eritrean rhino? Can’t George? Ask please.

 

Tally ho.

 

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20/12/2006

From: Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com

To: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com

 

Hi Abdi,

I see you’re taking those troublemakers head on! Atta boy.

I spoke to George and he promised to send extra help, discreetly of course. He also told me that he had a word with that Eritrean half-wit and made him promise to leave your country alone. I have a feeling you’re finally going to have some peace and quite.

 

Ps

Those toys were a gift. Do with them as you like.

 

Pps

I really appreciate the way you allowed my brother-in-law to speak on your behalf and appear as if he’s in charge of things. He needs the experience. Thanks again.

 

 

Toddle pip

 

----------------------------

31/12/2006

From: Abdullahi.Yusuf@hotmail.com

To: Meles Zenawi@yahoo.com

 

Hi Mel,

I told you that the situation was under control. It’s all over now. I’m so excited I might even give you your toy soldiers’ back, if you want them that is.

Your brother-in-law made us all proud by the way. He’s so statesman like. But I think you need to have a word with him and ask him to calm down. I caught him staring lovingly at my empty chair every time I got up!

 

Got to go now. Need to do a news conference.

 

Ps

The Iraq party was distasteful. Poor George.

 

Tally ho.

 

 

To be continued...

[Som@li]

lol..a good analysis of the situation, keep it coming.

[Caano Geel]

hehehehehehehehe

[Allamagan]

NGONGE, cool and entertaining! thanks!

[Cara.]

LOL. We demand constant updates.

[Wisdom_Seeker]

Ha, that was very interesting. We should have more of this. Bring them coming bro. It adds some humor to all the disastrous things that are taking place today.

[-Serenity-]

Ah, politics simplified. Chewable bits - yumm.

 

Thanks NG.

[NGONGE]

06/12/2006

From: Sheikh Sharif Sheik Ahmed

To: Sheikh Indha-cade

(Delivered by hand)

 

Salaam Akhi,

 

Did you hear about the latest UN Council resolution regarding the lifting of the arms embargo?

Well, it seems that those Ethiopian-loving traitors in Baidoa are going to legitimately get all the arms they want and might use that as a winning card in our forthcoming negotiations. We need to work fast. I have contacted Isaias and he suggested that we should flex our muscle a little and show those Ethiopians and their lovers that they’re dealing with a formidable foe. He also, now that the arms embargo is lifted, promised to send us a shipment of his best toy soldiers, complete with all their accessories. He swears that it’s the must have item this Eid, akhi.

 

Anyway, I also spoke to Sheik Aweys and this is what we’ve agreed:

We want you to call a press conference sometime this week or next (as long as it’s before our scheduled meeting with the traitors). In it, we want you to reiterate our belief that the Baidoa traitors harbour large numbers of Ethiopian soldiers (sprinkle your speech with things about Somalia being a Muslim country ..Somalia being defiled by the infidels and maybe a couple of hints about Jihad)! Next, we want you to declare that if the Ethiopian soldiers do not leave Somali soil voluntarily within seven months we shall be forced to declare open Jihad on them and remove them by force (along with their puppet traitors). Try to be brave akhi and talk as if you mean it. We want to put the fear of god in their hearts so that when we sit at the negotiation table they’ll be ready to concede to our demands.

 

That is all for now, akhi.

 

Salaam.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

12/12/2006

From: Sheikh Indha-cade

To: Sheikh Sharif Sheik Ahmed

(Delivered by carrier pigeon)

 

ii waran duqa,

 

As you probably saw in the news, I have issued that warning and I think I included the correct mixture of persuasion, menace and piety in my words. Those traitors and their Ethiopian backers are all shaking in their boots now I bet.

 

I have to congratulate you on a great strategy. For a former geography teacher, you are not a bad tactician, akhi. Now, if the seven days expire with no change taking place I think we should attack and have a few skirmishes with the enemy then retreat. We have to show everyone that we mean business.

 

I eagerly await your further instructions.

 

Maca Salaam.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

15/12/2006

From: Sheikh Sharif Sheik Ahmed

To: Sheikh Indha-cade

(Taped letter)

 

Salaam akhi,

 

As you can see, I have taped my letter to you this time. In you last letter you asked for my latest instructions. Well, first of all, I instruct you to sack your secretary.

I know how bad your eyes are, akhi (may Allah give you strength Insha Allah). I also know that you always get your secretary to read you all your letters aloud (some say you can’t read but I think this is an Ethiopian rumour).

 

Akhi, your secretary made a great mistake! In my last letter I asked you to give a seven MONTH ultimatum, not seven days. Now, jazaka Allah, you dropped us right in it. How could we prepare and expect to win such a war at this short notice?

 

Still, now that we are in it we have to stay true to our words (your words), akhi. We have to fight. I have instructed a couple of our known leaders to go to the pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia and pray for our swift victory. It seems that we are on our own now, akhi. Isaias phoned me yesterday and regretted to inform me that the Americans threatened him. He said that he’ll have to lay low for a while but promised to help us again in due time! Now, only Allah is on our side, akhi. How could we ever lose with Allah on our side?

 

That is all for now, akhi.

 

Salaam.

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

26/12/2006

From: Sheikh Indha-cade

To: Sheikh Sharif Sheik Ahmed

(Voice message)

 

Hello, haaaallo, war we have lost?

They are using tanks and big guns and airplanes. Some of my Mujahidin even spoke about seeing yellow smoke and green smoke coming out of exploded bombs. Akhi, they are using chemical weapons on us! We have retreated as far as we could but they are still following us. These Ethiopians don’t want simple skirmishes they want a war!

 

I’m coming back to the capital for urgent consultations with you and the others. I shall be there in two days.

 

 

Maca Salaam.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

28/12/2006

From: Sheikh Sharif Sheik Ahmed

To: Sheikh Indha-cade

(Voice message)

 

Salaam warya,

Why didn’t you tell me that you owned a mobile phone? That would have saved us a whole lot of trouble and misunderstandings.

Anyway, after consultations with all the other leaders, we have decided to abandon the capital. I’m about to give a press conference in a minute confirming that.

As you will hear, we are planning to relocate to Kismayo and fight the war from there. Make your way there, warya.

That is all for now,

 

Salaam.

 

-------------------------------------------------

[Centurion]

Surely broken english would have been more suitable for Zenawi-yusuf, rather than Posh english?

 

Just can't imagine Cabdi saying Tally-ho..i can imagine him writing 'Your Sincerly'

 

Other than that though... very funny!

[Lancer]

Making fun of the the Security cheif of the courts won't get Ethiopians out of Somalia.

 

Instead of childishly insulting the mans intelligence, reading ability and eyesight why don't you do something constructive?

 

For all your jokes about the TFG and their Ethiopian masters, you seem to hate their resistors (the rightful government of Somalia).

[NGONGE]

^^^

This is beyond a simple case of bad comprehension. You need to learn the meaning of irony, sarcasm, satire, parody and basic humour, friend.

You accuse me of hate but HATE, my uncultured friend, is a strong word. I neither hate nor love any of the individuals in Somali politics.

 

Nonetheless, you asked me to do something constructive, and that I’ll gladly do. It has not escaped my attention that you are a new Nomad and therefore, for a period of three months, I shall take you under my wings and teach you the ropes. Of course, try as I might, I could never teach you to read or understand the different forms of humour, innuendos, nuances, connotations or subtexts. That’s something you need to work on yourself. What I will do however is to follow you around and observe your interactions with the other Nomads here. Whenever you misunderstand the subtext in their offerings and start making the wrong replies I shall be there to explain and restrain you. In fact I shall become the Blue Fairy (or maybe Jiminy Cricket if you prefer) to your Pinocchio. In no time at all, I’ll have you turned into a real normal boy instead of the wooden humourless one that you are now. Welcome to SOL.

[juba]

^^ true true...lol....keep them coming!

[Lancer]

Originally posted by NGONGE:

^^^

This is beyond a simple case of bad comprehension. You need to learn the meaning of irony, sarcasm, satire, parody and basic humour, friend.

You accuse me of hate but HATE, my uncultured friend, is a strong word. I neither hate nor love any of the individuals in Somali politics.

 

Nonetheless, you asked me to do something constructive, and that I’ll gladly do. It has not escaped my attention that you are a new Nomad and therefore, for a period of three months, I shall take you under my wings and teach you the ropes. Of course, try as I might, I could never teach you to read or understand the different forms of humour, innuendos, nuances, connotations or subtexts. That’s something you need to work on yourself. What I will do however is to follow you around and observe your interactions with the other Nomads here. Whenever you misunderstand the subtext in their offerings and start making the wrong replies I shall be there to explain and restrain you. In fact I shall become the

Blue Fairy (or maybe

Jiminy Cricket

if you prefer) to your

Pinocchio

. In no time at all, I’ll have you turned into a real normal boy instead of the

wooden humourless

one that you are now. Welcome to SOL.

Would you make fun of say, Ahmed Gurey or other Islamic heroes/fighters? I don't think I am "humourless" either. I laugh at jokes that arent wrong.

[NGONGE]

^^ I see that I underestimated the problem when I thought three months would be enough to sort you out.

 

Of course I would make jokes of your Ahmed what’s his name and others (I only stop at the almighty and his prophets, angels, etc).

I’ve done this before and I don’t think I should spend a long time going over it again. You see, jokes by their nature are WRONG, my humourless friend.

If it were not wrong, if it was not lampooning or parodying someone it would not be funny. The whole idea of a joke is to bypass our usual moral defences and allow us to laugh at certain behaviours, attitudes and predicaments.

 

ps

If you still maintain that there are jokes that aren’t wrong, I would love see an example. Care to oblige me? The floor is yours.

[Sophist]

Ngone, be gentle with the novice; he will in no time become accustomed to the norms of SOL politique section;; that is unless nature resists nurture.

 

Keep them coming.