Want to Marry 2 Wives

[Naasir]

Hello 2 all my brothers and sisters,

I really appreciate your suggestions, advise.

Overwhelmingly most of you gave me a good advise and I am amazed. Since am at work and don't have much time I will try to respond to some of them.

 

La Femme wrote "So basically our 'advice' matters more to you than your 'future' wife's opinions and concerns? Okey dokey"

 

Sis, In Islam we are encouraged to seek advise amongst each other when making tough decisions.

 

Salafi,Ducaqabe, Rudy, Ukhti Muslima, Reena Thanx for the great advise,

Nur, come on bro, do you really have to assume I understand Arabic not to mention poet? perhaps it will make sense if you explain

 

Rahima- So u gonna walk away from your beautiful husband, kids and house even though things are going great, he isn't trying to hide something from you not mention he been forward and honest.

 

Nur you are funny bro

"if you decline that he would camp right in front of your apartment building persistently praying in public view all of Ramadan until you accept, what would you do?'

You mean Camp in front of her "Cariish"

 

Johnny B, u funny bro

Never tell a women she is 2nd choice

in this case I will tell both of them are 1st choices and I am the 2nd, hence we I will sleep well at night with peace and luve.

[sheherazade]

Don't forget 'happily ever after' since u're expecting a fairy tale.

[Rahima]

determined that if you decline that he would camp right infront of your apartment building peresistently praying in public view all of Ramadan until you accept, what would you do?

Say no of course.

 

This my brother is a no-brainer. I do not like such a marriage for myself and unless it is nabiga or the companions I could not care any less how great the brother is. It may seem unreasonable to some but this is the choice I am making for myself, and like i said it is my right.

 

Also going by this scenario the brother has made one grave error, the fact that he is already married should accompany his name during the introduction. Then without even knowing how supposedly great he is, I would of have already come to a conclusion .

 

Erm, why do u feel the need to read it from this perceptive?

Because that is how you made it sound .

 

Also women are not shirts.

 

In future perhaps it would be best that brothers such as Naasir express their thoughts at the BEGINNING before emotions become involved.

 

Asalaamu Calaykum sister, My name is Naasir and I plan to marry more than one wife…

 

Rahima- So u gonna walk away from your beautiful husband, kids and house even though things are going great, he isn't trying to hide something from you not mention he been forward and honest.

Who said anything about the kids and house? He is going out and I get the kids.

 

The possibility of such situations is the exact reason why i plan to have financial stability independent of my husband. Call me cynical, but I have seen and heard too much, too many women stuck in unhappy marriages because they have no way out. Inshallah this will not happen to me.

 

As for beautiful husband, he stops being beautiful (in my eyes) the day he decides to marry a second wife. You see I make my thoughts very clear. I would never even contemplate getting to know a brother who wishes this for himself, therefore if he ever decides to change his mind (or was lying to me all along) then obviously beauty is no longer an attribute of his- he obviously no longer cares for what I feel or think, so macsalaama.

 

Honesty and straight forwardness are all wonderful and dandy, but they are required like I said at the beginning, not five or ten years into the marriage. If a brother with such hopes was interested in me and he told me so, I wouldn’t necessarily badger him about it- it is his right after all, but I’d simply just decline, no thanks.

 

Are you going to deny that Islam has given me such a choice?

[Nephissa]

^^Arrrg, you turned down the proposal!

 

If he's loaded,

I would

I could

I know I should

And when it's all been said and done

I'd say excuse me sir I have to run

It's all been fun, I've had a blast

And now I must go shopping fast!

[Pujah]

^^

[Muhammad]

Raxima, mar bay xigmadu wadnaha kaa gashaa

ee Jacayl equationka ku dar dee 'nooh'

[Naasir]

Rahima you said "In future perhaps it would be best that brothers such as Naasir express their thoughts at the BEGINNING before emotions become involved.

Asalaamu Calaykum sister, My name is Naasir and I plan to marry more than one wife…"

 

Come on, u gotta be kidding, you telling me if I wanna date you, got the hosts 4 ya, shukaansi kaa rabo, kuu kululahay and say "hey sis I like you blaaa blaaa blaaa waa is ku dhacee, jiroos aa tahay, waa kuu kululahay but I wanna marry more than one wife, do u think you will even decline in a calm manner,,, shoooottt I will be lucky if u don't slap me or u may say "dhaandhaan yahow na dhaaf". but once u find how warm and gentle I am you may not wanna give up on me that easily.

 

Sheherezade, What a name, where does dat come from, lol@ "Fiary Tale", actually it is doable and i encourage you to go for it, Women are tough to deal with, at the same time they are weak and need some one to lead them, however they don't know that untill u come along, so brother come and get on the bus with us,,, oohhh yeee you can alwayz complete the max allowed even if you have to go back home

 

 

Anywayz I Pray to God to save us from Women.

Also I Pray to God to lead us the right way.

 

 

***Peace and unity on the my motherland is on my mind***

[- Femme -]

Originally posted by Naasir:

Women are tough to deal with, at the same time

they are weak and need some one to lead them, however they don't know that untill u come along,

so brother come and get on the bus with us,,, oohhh yeee you can alwayz complete the max allowed even if you have to go back home

 

 

Anywayz I Pray to God to save us from Women.

Also I Pray to God to lead us the right way.

You are thinking about two, and I am wondering how anyone would even think about marrying you with that kind of attitude. Good luck. :rolleyes: You obviosly are in need of it.

 

Rahima: as always, right on the money.

[Naasir]

La Femme, My dear sis in Islam & Somali your request has been granted long time even though I didn't indicate any "xodxodosho" towards you I respect your opinion, cuz surely u can do better than me even if u land one that chews, playz cards, smokes shiisha all nite but comes home every nite about 5am where I be one night at wife #1's home and the other nite be getting up 5am to bring home bread and milk.

 

jusqu'à la fois prochaine

 

***Peace and unity on the my motherland is on my mind***

[- Femme -]

cuz surely u can do better than me even if u land one that chews, playz cards, smokes shiisha all nite but comes home every nite about 5am where I be one night at wife #1's home and the other nite be getting up 5am to bring home bread and milk

Your sarcasm is lost on me & the blatant attempt to flatter yourself so you can justify duping an innocent naive girl into the trappings and untold horrors of polygomous marriage (slight exaggeratoin ).

 

Listen Naasir I really wish you the best. If I was a man, I would want as many woman as can handle me too. Actually that isnt a bad idea...je pourrais juste l'essayer.

 

When one is not enough: Polygamy and Women

 

After 18 years of marriage, Omar, a 43-year-old successful Damascus businessman, took a second wife. Appalled, his first wife, Samia, changed the locks on their front door and refused to let her husband in unless he divorced the woman she called his "concubine." That failed because the house was in Omar's name and he threatened to expel her from there.

 

One day, sitting in her apartment, Samia's friends asked about her plans. With a devious smile, the 39-year-old mother of four grown children disappeared only to reappear in an exotic Arabian dancing suit with a shimmering red bra and long chiffon skirt. Then Samia turned on some oriental music and began swaying to the rhythm of the beat: "Do you think this will bring Omar back?" she asked. But it didn't.

 

There are no statistics or even estimates on how many men in Syria are polygamists. It is certainly less common than during the 1960's where it was not unusual for a man to have four wives all living under the same roof. Financial costs of supporting more than one wife, among other things, has made such arrangements unusual. Still, polygamy, which is legal in Syria, remains more common than divorce. In my well-to-do Damascus neighborhood, for example, two husbands out of 20 are polygamous. All my female friends personally know of polygamous relationships.

 

While polygamy enhances a man's perception of himself sexually, for almost all first wives polygamy means untold misery and disgrace to their sense of pride, integrity and a feeling of sexual rejection. Today Samia is still struggling with her husband's second union, which has resulted in several children. His financial support and effort to spend time with her is no consolation. When Omar brought his the seven year-old-son from his second marriage to the wedding of the oldest son from his first marriage, Samia couldn't restrain herself from making resentful remarks to many of her guests.

 

"You know why he brought this dwarf here? To spite me! He loves to do that!" Then as Samia leaned over to greet me, she asked, "You still haven't married, Rim? Well, I can't blame you, but if you do, remember never to trust a man. Otherwise you will end up like me."

 

But when I replied that women in such circumstances can get divorced, Samia snapped "God forbid! Divorce? You know what they say about a divorced woman? She's like a stale meal. Besides, my children would've ended up on the streets!"

 

Although divorce is becoming more common, according to attorney Layla El-Soleh, divorced women suffer greatly in Syrian society. A divorced woman is perceived as a financial burden on her family's house -- where she inevitably retreats -- and has little chance of remarrying. Divorced mothers are also accused of deserting their children. Under common law boys after age seven can choose his live-in parent, while at age nine the girl is required to live with her father. However, a divorced Syrian man often fails to live up to the responsibility of bringing up his children, especially when he has another wife and family to look after. Therefore, in an attempt to relieve themselves of the responsibility, it is common for fathers to send children to their grandparents.

 

These factors cause many women in polygamous relationships to stay with their husbands, explaining, as unhappily married women in the West often rationalize, that it is for the good of the kids. When I recently met with Suha, 47, it had been 15 years since she discovered her husband was polygamous. But she stayed with him because her two children were then young.

 

Proudly, she introduced me to her now 20-year-old daughter, Dunia, who smiled graciously as she leaned over to hand me a cup of coffee.

 

"I knew he wouldn't give up his children, if I divorced," Suha continued. "Even if he did, I couldn't support them. Besides I didn't want my kids to grow up without a father and mother. So I stayed and made sure that my husband was there for his children, morally and financially."

 

A serene smile spread over her face, "Now, Dunia is engaged to a young man. When his family asked for her hand, Dunia's father was there. He conducted all the arrangements. Her in-laws can't show an ounce of disrespect for her, because she has a real father in her life."

 

Suha's situation is clearly better than that of Mona, a 32-year-old mother of two, separated from her polygamous husband, Sameer. Her last straw was when her son, Hassan, had a high fever and she called a doctor to make a house call. When she asked Sameer for money for the medical bill, he blew up, told her she should have gone to a public clinic, and only days later reluctantly threw the money on the living room sofa. Now Mona and her two children live with her parents and survive on their mother's tiny secretarial salary.

 

"My father believes that Sameer will reconcile," said Mona. " He refuses to understand that Sameer wanted to drive me out of the house so his new wife could move in." But although she knows divorce would disgrace her parents, she insists she won't go back. "If I can't give money to my children, at least I can teach them about integrity."

 

Not surprisingly, Mona has little sympathy for her husband's new wife. "When I went to get some of my stuff, she could barely look me in the eye. I guess, in her own way, she feels guilty for causing my family to breakup But, of course, that doesn't stop her from living in my home and wasting the money that should belong to my children on her wardrobe and hair."

 

The second wife usually agrees to a polygamous marriage by her own free will. But she rarely convinces her husband to divorce his first wife. Some second wives say they prefer it that way. "Why would I do that?" asked Muneera, a 32-year-old secretary who married her 41-year-old rich boss, "So I'd end up raising his four children? I certainly didn't marry to be a stepmom!"

 

Second wives have their own humiliation. Hudda, 35, who married Khaled, a 57-year-old powerful judge and grandfather said bitterly, "Khaled made it very clear that he would never give up Ghada. She is the mother of his children and must stay that way. I, on the other hand, am more of a luxury."

 

When I ask Hudda candidly how she feels about being called a homewrecker, she said, "People forget that if Khaled wasn't unsatisfied with his first wife, he wouldn't have wanted me. Besides I wasn't going to be a mistress he could dispose of whenever he wanted. I have to have a home and some stability, you know."

 

The ambiguity of polygamy, as described in the Koran, paves the way to conflicting opinions of religious thinkers. One group insists that polygamy is a man's right, because, as one Koranic verse says: "Marry women of your choice, two, three, four." They also argue that Muhammad, the Prophet, married several wives during his life.

 

But others like ShaHrour, a modern Syrian religious leader, argues that the Koran allowed men to marry only widows for the sake of their orphans during a time when war took a heavy death toll on men and caused a marked gender imbalance. Moreover, Islamic History is full of strong women like Amina, the Prophet's great-granddaughter who agreed to marry Zaid Ibn Umar, with the provision: "He will not touch another woman. He will not prevent her from spending his money, and he will not oppose any decision she might make. Otherwise she will leave him."

 

Two feminist professors at the Faculty of Arts in Damascus once told me, "In order for women to deal with polygamy, they must learn to use their rights and understand that religion has never been the original reason for male dominance and female exploitation. For that to happen, women need to learn their rights and have the courage to exercise them."

 

Most Syrian women fail to follow the example of such powerful Islamic women for fear of abandonment and of facing the vehement opposition of a society which perceives a woman's self-determination and independence as a threat to its structure of male dominance.

 

Most Syrian women fail to follow the example of strong Islamic women for fear of abandonment and of facing the vehement opposition of a society which perceives a woman's self-determination and independence as a threat to its structure of male dominance.

 

But there are also practical reasons Syrian women stay in polygamous marriages. The trend today is for women to reject the once customary dowry given by future husband before marriage, which provided women with financial security, because they do not want to be perceived as greedy. Other women will write down a large, upaid sum for a dowry in the marriage contract, but this, by law, is payable only if the husband seeks a divorce. Meanwhile, society encourages Syrian women to expect lavish weddings, jewelry and other material objects throughout their marriage. Many women have so grown dependent on being financially provided for by men.

 

Islam does not trap women into polygamy. Rather it gives them the free will to choose how they want to live their lives. Syrian society is male dominated and sexist, but as long as women continue to blame men and religion for their oppression and insecurity without taking any action, no genuine change will ever take place.

 

 

Source

[Castro]

^ Great article La Femme. It sums up the issue quite nicely. You should have dropped it, like a nuke, before many lives were exhausted with conventional weapons.

[Warrior of Light]

^^^She wanted them to feel the pain first.

 

La femme, great article. Jazakhallah Kheir

 

Islam does not trap women into polygamy. Rather it gives them the free will to choose how they want to live their lives. Syrian society is male dominated and sexist, but as long as women continue to blame men and religion for their oppression and insecurity without taking any action, no genuine change will ever take place.

We are back to square one ,*sighs* So , true.

[Legend of Zu]

Originally posted by Naasir:

 

Anywayz I Pray to God to save us from Women.

Also I Pray to God to lead us the right way.

Seriously..Some of us need to understand or think twice about what they are saying before they post it.

 

Now the brotha is praying to Allah to save him from women..yet he is sayin he doesnt want less than 2 of them... The irony in SOL nowadays ...

[Baluug]

I don't see what's the big deal if the bro wants 2 wives....All the women in here are jumping up and down and fuming like they're married to this guy already!!"Be a man!!" and blah blah blah....Naasir,walaal,if you really want it,and you think that you can fulfill the Islamic requirements for such an arrangement,then go for it!!Whatchu axe-ing us 4?

[sheherazade]

Originally posted by Naasir:

Sheherezade, What a name, where does dat come from, lol@ "Fiary Tale", actually it is doable and i encourage you to go for it, Women are tough to deal with, at the same time they are weak and need some one to lead them, however they don't know that untill u come along, so brother come and get on the bus with us,,, oohhh yeee you can alwayz complete the max allowed even if you have to go back home

 

Anywayz I Pray to God to save us from Women.

Also I Pray to God to lead us the right way.

 

Hohohohahaha. What a name indeed! One would think u'd know seeing as u're living in fairy-tale land. If I do go for a woman I'd be labelled a lesbian(u following me?) and if I went for 2 or 3 or 4 I'd be one hell of a kinky lesbian(still with me?). Or have I distracted you?

 

I do pray for the Lord to show you the right way AND to save you from women. U're going to need it.