Hello Sheikh! My Husband is having an affair!

[Nur]

e-Nuri Social Work

 

 

A Sheikh of very high statute in Islamic fiqh ( Jurisprudence) receives a distressed call from a housewife. As the Sheikh picks up the phone, on the other end he hears a distressed voice of a female caller:

 

Woman: Assalamu Aleikum Sheikh

 

Sheikh: Wa Aleikumu Salaam wa rahmatullah wa barakaatuh, How can I help you today.

 

Woman: My Husband travels very often on business trips and I have strong feeling he is having affairs abroad, I have all the evidence, I am worried about contracting diseases, what should I do about it.

 

Sheikh: Have you considered suggesting to your husband to marry another virtuous women like you as a healthy solution?

 

Woman: ( Furious at the suggestion), I asked you for a solution Sheikh, your suggestion is a going to create a bigger problem., bye!

 

End of Phone Call.

 

I am sure that some married women will not tolerate either situations, but for some, the problem presents hard choices.

 

I am not suggesting in this thread that a Muslim woman stays married to a cheat, but rather, the possibility of preempting this problem from happening by accepting or even discussing with her husband the issue before its too late.

 

In that spirit, I pose my question.

 

 

The question I am raising in this thread:

 

I understand that polygamy as a solution to preempt a husband's infidelity, is not well accepted by most married Somali women, emotions aside, why would a married woman tolerate Serial infidelity of her husband (One affair after another) that may endanger her health, while not tolerating a parallel legitimate and dignified marriage relationship for her husband?

 

 

Nur

 

 

2009 eNuri Social Work

Logical Emotions At Work For You!

[bint hamid]

assalaamu alaykum warahmatullah wabarakaatuh

 

Allahu Hasibna wa naam al wakeel akhi bit its not really thaaaaaaaat easy.. if your husbands a docoon then you cant trust him if hes got one wife or two wives or ten wives.. its still haraam if he goes outside the marriage and you stil get diseases and stuff when he cheats.. so its not like getting another wife is gonna help

 

ameen walaykum assalaam

[hodman]

Sheikh I am sure that a woman who gets a headache at the notion of her husband with another wife would not tolerate a husband who has affairs. I do understand the validity of your question though. One would imagine that the rationale behind such thinking is hadii uu dambi ka baqayo then zina kuma dhacayo balse xaas kale ka ilaali.

[Malika]

I don't think any self loving woman will tolerate infidelity,nevertheless why is his misconduct her problem??

 

The man roams around,and she is asked to compromise? by agreeing to him marrying another woman or other women. Even though this will jeopardize hers and her children economical well being, emotional etc etc?

 

So much is asked of women.. :rolleyes:

 

He goes out and have affairs and this is supposed to be HER problem? I am finding this really hard to understand..

 

ps. How long is this man away from home?

 

pss.This has really pissed me off. :mad:

[AYOUB]

Nurow the Sheikh gave a silly answer. It's not the first time either‚ I've seen similar insensitive off-the-cuff answers to ladies who raised other serious matters. Some replies given in some Q&A TV programmes are embarrassing. Try again yaa sahbi.

[Cara.]

Spoiler alert!

 

The sheikh and the adulterous husband are the same person! It may come as a shock but if you watch the movie again you will see all the little clues, like when the wife calls the sheikh, the husband always gets up suddenly and goes outside "for a smoke".

 

In that light, the advice to the wife makes more sense, no?

[Nur]

Sisters, Bint Hamid, Hodman, and Malika,

 

Ayoub bro.

 

 

The story has another side to it, polygamy is only one side, the other side is:

 

1. Infidelity (Can happen with or without a polygamous marriage)

 

Infidelity or adultery is a reality in our times, and its not a secret that many men of all religions and also some women find themselves in such a situation with their own choice.

 

The question that the thread is raising is, why did the Sheikh recommend Polygamy to that women?

 

First, this woman was willing to live with an adulterous husband, although the Sharia states that this crime is a serious one that needs a judicial proceedings, her main worry for which she sought the advice of the sheikh was the transmission of disease and how she can tame his runaway hormones. The Sheikh's advice was based on these facts. His suggestion for polygamy was a reflection that, if she already knew all about her husbands past adulterous adventures, yet opted to live with him, then, she would have been better off if she had accepted a virtuous woman like herself instead of tolerating his adulterous girlfriends. Like the title of a book written by a woman, ( Al Thaaniya, Laa AL Zaaniya) meaning (I'd rather accept the second wife, not the whore).

 

The moral of this story is that if a legal venue is closed, an illegal path opens up, because if its too good to have it, some folks reason, its good to cheat for.

 

 

Nur

[AYOUB]

^ So one "virtuous woman" was not enough for the "cheater" and the solution is two, three maybe four. Cushty. Cushty cushty cushty. Let's see what the good ladies say about that.

 

The point I was raising was how some scholars deal with "distress calls", especially from reverts. That's another topic, I suppose.

[Malika]

Brother Nur,

 

The Sheikh took an easy route,he didn't ask more questions about this man and his travels.Why not find out how long he travels for and where does he often go,does he go to one location or does it change every trip? Ma meel kastaa uu aadho he should have a wife there?

 

Secondly,If this man is a philanderer and has little consideration for himself let alone his wife's well being by sleeping around[there is AIDS out there!],marka I ask again WHY is it HER problem to solve this?

 

I know infidelity happens,but it shouldn't be an excuse ,for 'irresponsible' men to have wives all over the place for the fear they might cheat,[perhaps underlying psychological issues there]....wuxuu maa xayawaan baa? cant control himself for couple of days?

 

Unfortunately some women,take a lot of bull,they will make all sort of excuses to not leave a man that has little respect for them and their union.It could be low self esteem,fear of being stigmatized, or fear of her secret to come out,others will know about her sorry life..Some women will put up with all sort of abuse,as having a cheating husband is an emotional abuse of its own kind.It destroys ones self esteem,well if you allow the farax to get that deep under your skin.. ..Nevertheless,this woman should not be asked to add more to her worries by suggesting she suggest to her husband to marry another,maskinada hasn't got in her to cope..The sheikh wasn't being sensitive to all this at all.

 

 

If I were the Sheikh,I would suggest to the woman to seek further advice from her local imaam and this time have her husband in tow. This is a serious issue,one that need addressing before even considering another option like marrying another woman. Ninkaasi he needs to re-evaluate his actions,weight his options..After all,he is committing grievous crime against GOD,iskabaa daa his wife and himself.

 

 

ps.cushty,cushty iyo nuus @ Ayoub..

[Naden]

The fictional woman would rather live with an adulterer because he is simply buying their services. STDs are a risk she is apparently willing to take.

 

A marriage means a home, finances, child rearing time and all that good stuff. She will find herself in poverty (with 1/2, 1/3, or 1/4) of their family's income and probably 100% of the childcare whenever he's frolicking with the new, younger thing.

 

She is pragmatic, in my opinion.

 

And I don't know what the sheikh's problem is. The woman's approval or disapproval is not a determining factor (unless civil legislation is present in that country). A man can have 4 wives and an unlimited number of malak al-yameen.

[Nur]

Malika sis

 

The Sheikh's suggestion was not to correct things after the fact, after committing Zinaa, the right option for the woman is to seek and be given divorce. The Sheikh's suggestion "MAY" have helped if taken before the fact.

 

Naden sis

 

Its not fictional, its a real caller.

 

A non Muslim business acquaintance of mine once confided to me that he and his wife subscribe to what is known in the US as the 200 Mile rule. If they find themselves 200 miles apart, at least for a period of a month, what they do is mutually acceptable. Is that what you mean to be Pragmatic?

 

Ayoub bro.

 

Its not that simple, there is reason behind the Sharia legislation and approval of polygamy, if it had not good aspects to it, it would not have been approved, for some willing couples, it solves a real problem.

 

Nur

[Malika]

^ I understand the 'MAY' part of the scenario,but am having difficulties with the choosen suggestion. As the man of knowledge,the Sheikh should have given the woman other choices including her rights to divorce her husband.

 

ps.The woman has done the right thing by calling him and seeking his advice,but I don't think the Sheikh took this matter very serious.There is an art to listening,reassuring people when your in position of giving advice I believe.His suggestion,has only made the woman more anxious.

 

pss.That is my perception of the scenerio yaa Sheikh Nur.

[-Lily-]

This highlights why you should only be asking specific religious advice/ruling/clarification from Imams, not to solve your problems and run your life!

[NGONGE]

A good question, Nur. But it assumes that the world is black and white and that everything is so simple it can be solved very easily. There is a good a chance that a wife is willing to tolerate her man's cheating ways because she made herself believe he told her the truth when he said that he will not cheat on her again. In that way, a mistress will always remain a suspicion whilst a second wife (should he ever marry one) will be a painful reality.

 

Women are mad and a man that marries two of those is just suicidal or mad himself.

[Chocolate and Honey]

He goes out and have affairs and this is supposed to be HER problem? I am finding this really hard to understand..

Pissed me off too :mad: :mad:

 

TO Sheikh Nur,

You really dropped the ball on this one.

The question that the thread is raising is, why did the Sheikh recommend Polygamy to that women?

um.. because he is sexist and thinks the infidelity must be the woman's fault and if she only gives in to his womanizing ways the halal way, the man will be satisfied :eek:

 

 

First, this woman was willing to live with an adulterous husband, although the Sharia states that this crime is a serious one that needs a judicial proceedings, her main worry for which she sought the advice of the sheikh was the transmission of disease and how she can tame his runaway hormones.

 

 

Unless you left some of the information out, How do you know she is willing to live with the man? She is scared of diseases and would probably discussed ways to end either the affair or the marrige had the Sheikh listened instead of fuming at the mouth.

The Sheikh's advice was based on these facts. His suggestion for polygamy was a reflection that, if she already knew all about her husbands past adulterous adventures, yet opted to live with him, then, she would have been better off if she had accepted a virtuous woman like herself instead of tolerating his adulterous girlfriends.

 

Again, this sounds ludacrous! Are you serious? A virtuous women? How does a zani, an adulterer deserve a virtous woman?And how is that going to stop this man from roaming around like a wild animal?

:rolleyes:

 

Like the title of a book written by a woman, ( Al Thaaniya, Laa AL Zaaniya) meaning (I'd rather accept the second wife, not the whore).

She might accept the second wife but MANY women would not simply because their hands are tied and they are shamed by their unfaithful husbands.

 

The moral of this story is that if a legal venue is closed, an illegal path opens up, because if its too good to have it, some folks reason, its good to cheat for.

There are no MORALS to speak of in this story. It the same lame story: Men using their knowledge to abuse women!!