lulla Posted January 22, 2007 Asalam Calykum All, I hope everyone is doing well.I haven't been posting anything for a while now just because time issue. Divorce is very important topic and it is something that our community is not discussing for whatever. It is big concern for me because i know so many people (young people) who are getting divorced, remarrying and getting divorced again.I do not want to go through that pattern myself and it worries me. Something needs to be done about this. otherwise, we will end up with enormous number of young single mothers. What do you guys think? what do you guys think is the solution? How can we stop this pattern before it destroyes our family organization and values? What are these young people doing wrong? I would really appreciate your opinions. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jacaylbaro Posted January 22, 2007 we can stop it by not pretending another person that we are not ,,,,,,,,,, Most of ppl pretend to behave in other attractive ways that is not their real personality ,,,,,,,,, once they get married then there comes the reality and the real personality of the person ,,,,,,,,,,, then what do u expect ??? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
N.O.R.F Posted January 22, 2007 I think many people just dont know what marriage entails. As husband and wife you must 'know' your rights and responsibilities and act on them. Not knowing this is the main source of conflict me thinks. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jamster Posted January 22, 2007 Modern marriage, the mirage of happiness! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ameen Posted January 22, 2007 Assalam Your right, more and more young people are getting hitched (alhamdulilah) and at the same time, experiencing divorce. I think among the many causes is a lack of patience on both sides. People have this weird illusion that marriage is all good times but when the hard times hit, well...he looks at her and she looks at him and they both look at the phone…reach for it and call hooyo and papa to solve their in-house problem. Hopefully we will find eman in our hearts to soldier out the rough moments and that eman can only be obtained through obedience and commitment to Allah, The Most High. And Allah knows best Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Che -Guevara Posted January 22, 2007 People need to ask themselves what's that they need out of marriage. I feel like most get married coz they think it is the logical conclusion to any relationship.Figure what you want first, have some patience, and with any luck, it might just work out. N we need to adapt to the new realities we face everyday. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Paragon Posted January 22, 2007 To begin with, circumstances vary. Problems may vary from lack of communication, petty misunderstanding, differing preference in lifestyle or diverging priorities and so on and so forth. There is no one common factor that can be claimed to be the sole ingredient that leads to marriage failure. Issues as simple as 'leaving the toilet seat up' or more complex matters such as alienation can bring down one's marriage. Ah, the more I think about it the more unsure I become of how to approach this topic.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ameen Posted January 22, 2007 Assalam alaikum I wonder...is the whole issue of divorce more of a concern for the sisters rather than the men? I only ask because it seems like in our culture, women that are divorced find it more difficult to remarry (obliviously, not all women that fall in this category...but generally speaking) than the brothers And Allah knows best Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pujah Posted January 22, 2007 Divorce is better than some marriages Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aaliyyah Posted January 22, 2007 Divorce rate is increasing nowadays, and I think it is probably due to the fact that ppl just get married without understanding fully the whole concept of marriage. Marriage is not just getting married to some one , it is a lot more than that. You must be ready for all the responsiblity that comes with it, lota ppl think getting married is all abt having a blast with mr/mizz right, and believe it could turn out that way, but only if u solve all the challenges that comes with it and not just walk out as some sort of obstacle gets on the way. One should understand getting married is all about being there for one another at hard times, not just good times. I would say the best thing is work with what u got , specially if there is children involved. I have seen tons of somalis getting divorced nowadays, and honestly most somali kids that I have seen that lost their culture/language/relegion is all due to the fact that their parents are divorced, and it has also been proved that children of parents who are divorced do poorly acadamically. wa salaaam p.s. Marriage is not an easy matter so dont rush to it. peace. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ElPunto Posted January 22, 2007 I think it boils down to character. Seek out someone with character and you will find someone with the patience, integrity, thoughtfullness, practicality etc to withstand and even prosper from the inevitable ups and downs of a marriage. Character is closely associated with religion but many times the religion is displayed without only. I would also suggest that a signed agreement be reached before any marriage takes place regarding: 1- Procedures on dispute resolution 2- Role of each partner(ie for bread winning, child-rearing etc) 3- Procedures on the handling of the details of a divorce in the event it occurs Such an agreement helps to clear up any misconceptions either party has before the marriage and also serves to delineate each party's rights and responsibilities. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Abaadir Posted January 22, 2007 Aaliyah posted: p.s. Marriage is not an easy matter so dont rush to it. peace. NN how do you know? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lulla Posted January 22, 2007 Everyone thanks for the reply.. Ameen: Divorce is a big issue for women than men. That's a just fact in our somali community. The reason it is a big issue for women is because it effects their status and reputation. Once a woman gets divorced, it is little difficult to find second husband.From what i observed, most somali women's self esteem is damaged big time. In our community divorce is shamful and the woman somehow caused it. If the woman was just patient enough, obedient enough and good enough, divorce would not happened. My oldest sister got divorced few years ago. Her self esteem hit the bottom and she became depressed. She went back to the guy because she really believed she would never find someone else. Because of that, she accepts things she shouldn't accept like.him not providing for his kids and ..drinking problem. It is really sad. I have girlfriend who got divorced twice and she is only 24 and another one who is in the process of getting one. My other sister also got divorced and went back..my mom's friend's two son got divorce. and my other cousin did as well...i can go on and on. This is trend is that going and i just hope something is done about. In the United States, the divorce rate is 60% as you guys know. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aaliyyah Posted January 22, 2007 Lulla subahanalah sis is everyone in yr family getting divorced or what? anyways let yr sisters know that just cuz they are divorced doesnt mean they cant get another man, if allah wills they will. They have two options , one is to actually work things out with their man, and give him a chance to change his current behaviors, if he is not willing to change then the hell with him, they have the other option of obtaining a divorce, and u know what everything is calaf , u neva know... Abaadir walaal what u mean how do i know it, everyone knows that once u get married u are actually taking a huge responsibility, and u should get married when u are only ready for it. As a husband/wive there is certain rules that you have to follow as a muslim individual , u must know yr rights yr responsiblities and so on and so forth, there is certain maturity that one has to reveal before just getting married. Also u shouldnt just get married to anyone u must know is he going to take care of me? is he going to provide for my kids ??As lulla just mentioned one of her sisters is actually married to a guy who wont provide for his children , now i am sure if the sister was more careful when she was selecting a husband she could have foreseen the guy was just a player..and as soon as kids get in the way would be like "oh i aint ready for a kid" ...you see know what i mean someone has to understand the concept of marriage, why would one get married if they wont provide for their kids?? . Thats my 2 cent for now til later. wa salaam Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pujah Posted January 23, 2007 lulla, sis that is too many divorces in one family I think you should consider koran saar. I am just kidding; everything is calaf so if divorce is in your future it will happen regardless of your wishes. All you can do is do your best but never accept humiliation and no good farax just because he happens to father your kids. Irsaqada alla baxsha so never settle for less if something is not working out and you have tried everything then the best option is to GET OUT. Please be there for your sisters and help them get some help …maybe see therapist to help them deal with their issues. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
