HONEY, PLEASE HIT ME ONLY ONCE A WEEK.

[Gabbal]

I witnessed a case where a wife attacked her husband and the poor guy tried to restrain her from hurting herself, she later claimed to have been beaten by her husband and had the audacity to claim me as a witness!!!

must have been some incident

[Mali Girl]

Originally posted by Magnoona-girl:

come again? some ladies are "funny" coz i don't wanna use other words for them. what the heck does she mean to beat her once a week? and i don't get ladies when they say i thought it would stop after our first baby.. there is something that is okay and some things are NEVER okay.. so first day he even think of beating me i would kill his azz .. seriously... and i don't care if we got million kids together, first day and i would be out of that house for good...

 

peace n 1 luv.. and yes brothas be kind to ur "babys moma"

masallalma

haaaaaaaa gooooooo for it sisooooooo

 

ku dhufooooo ,,,, once a week kulaha!!

 

not a nany second aabaha cun dheh

 

iirani abo basal waaxid

 

ta ta

[NGONGE]

I did not find the idea of a list shocking. I found the use of the word 'secret' surprising. What could be so surprising about having violence at the top of a list of marriage breakers?

 

It IS about subjugation and dominance. Why else would a man need to resort to this kind of behaviour? He does it to get what he wants when he wants, just the way he wants. Alcohol, drugs, stress may go along with violence but they don't cause it. There is an intention to carry out the violence outside of these other factors.

“Secret list†was merely a figure of speech.

 

We’re back into sticking our own boundaries and limitations to this discussion. Your words paint a picture of a man who beats his “innocent†wife for enjoyment. They cover only one area of domestic violence. Are you saying all cases of domestic violence follow this line?

 

 

I asked you about your opinion, Ngonge. It is a personal one, as is mine. I don't remember attacking you so why the gripe? How about u tell us about the other possibilites(a slap stops at a slap) instead of coming only to your defence?

No gripes. When I said don’t personalise the issue, that’s just what I meant. For when you do, you appeal to my merciful and human side. You pose a hypothetical question about what I would do if my daughter were the one being hit! Faced with such questions, most people would struggle in giving a rationale answer. “My daughter being hit? I’ll kill the *****â€.

Someone else followed the same line and mentioned mothers and sisters!

If we put ourselves bang in the middle of a problem, we wont see the wood for the trees.

 

 

I absolutely believe in the saying "Real Men Don't Hit Women" and between a man and a woman there should only be "Love" and never "Fear" but "Respect" and you can talk for the rest of your life and say whatever you want but you will never make me accept and agree that you can love some one without respecting that person because this person isn't your enemy but your loving wife, your companion so why would you even consider hurting this person who has dedicated all her energy, time and chose to spend for the rest of her life in loving you and you only?

Oh, bring out the violins, wont you! :rolleyes:

 

This sort of waffle is what destroys marriages, saaxib. Humans are not perfect. Arguments take place, they fall out, they fight. They don’t talk to each other for days. It seriously is not some sort of Indian movie(even though they usually kiss and make up at the end of these fights).

 

Since most of those replying have decided to make their own assumptions on this complex and difficult topic, let me make some of my own. Lets flip the coin and talk about a man who dedicated his life, energy and time to his wife only to come home one day and find her sleeping with the milkman!

:eek: Wouldn’t you expect him to hit her and use her body as a trampoline? He might even murder her lover too. What about one who is faced with a wife brandishing a knife at him? Should he run or disarm her with a slap or two?

 

See how absurd my stories sound? I could play devil’s advocate all night and present you with as many emotionaly based scinarioes as the ones you would post. Would they get us anywhere though?

 

Emotions, emotions, emotions! That’s what passes as a discussion on these parts. The ironic thing about all of this is that emotions also play a big part in cases of domestic violence!

 

Now lets get serious:

 

 

We all agree that domestic violence is WRONG. I also assume that we agree that when there is room for a discussion, then it’s wrong for either party in a marriage to resort to violence. Let’s make this our starting point in the discussion. We agree on the fundamentals of it. However, what are your opinions when it comes to the grey areas. What happens when a perfectly good marriage faces some sort of crisis and violence suddenly rears its ugly head? Will you still say a slap ends a marriage?

 

Like I said, this topic is not as black and white as some of you seem to view it. Maybe if we were talking about some known thug with previous history of violence we can make the correct assumption that this guy will “hit†again. However, to decide on the first slap that an entire marriage should end is a very short sighted thing. Don’t you believe in a person’s ability to repent?

Like I said in my earlier post, a man who beats his wife for enjoyment or to display his superior physical strength is an animal. I’m not here to talk about animals. I’m here to talk about ordinary couples that fall out because of domestic violence and the best ways to deal with such situations. Are there any other solutions?

 

 

PS

Aeryn,

Yes you did. No room for compromise in your case I hear. I guess that in your case, the words “Never say never†make no sense.

[x_quizit]

Ngonge, I can't help but think that since ur so gung-ho in making excuses for abusers, that maybe, just maybe, u have made that mistake in ur life, (ie, may have hit ur wife), and repented, and u dont like being reminded or suggested that a man that hits once is most likely gonna hit twice. just a theory, sorry if im assuming, but i couldnt help but ask.

 

In any case, the majority of us who've responded to u have stated a like-minded opinion and its wrong to label us emotional just because we've countered ur arguments, but interestingly and ironically, u seem the most emotional since u seem to plead for the understanding of the abuser and why he might have chosen to hurt his wife, while completly dismissing the repercussions of that "little" slap.

 

Peace

[Tuujiye]

)............Kuunto wixii loo KuusKuusay kiraamo iyo dharbaaxo lee ma ohoooo

maya see camal adi...

 

Kuunto wixii loo kuusay, kastuumo loo geliyey, gadaal loo marshay...........KIRAAMO WAAYE..

 

dharbaaxsho beel..lol

 

wareer badanaa!!

[Qac Qaac]

ar yaakhay adi.. iyo shoobaro kuunto expert aa ku tihiin haye, maxaa kadaal loo mariyay loooooool. kiraamo mise cibaaro waaye.

[NGONGE]

Ngonge, I can't help but think that since ur so gung-ho in making excuses for abusers, that maybe, just maybe, u have made that mistake in ur life, (ie, may have hit ur wife), and repented, and u dont like being reminded or suggested that a man that hits once is most likely gonna hit twice. just a theory, sorry if im assuming, but i couldnt help but ask.

 

In any case, the majority of us who've responded to u have stated a like-minded opinion and its wrong to label us emotional just because we've countered ur arguments, but interestingly and ironically, u seem the most emotional since u seem to plead for the understanding of the abuser and why he might have chosen to hurt his wife, while completly dismissing the repercussions of that "little" slap.

x-quizit, I can’t help but think that since you’re so gung-ho in arguing the case for ending a marriage after the first slap, that maybe, just maybe, you have witnessed such a thing in your life (i.e. your father hitting your mother), and hated it, and you don’t like being reminded or suggested that a man who hits his wife should be given a second chance. Just a theory, sorry if I’m assuming, but I couldn’t help but ask. :rolleyes:

 

 

 

Now, that we traded “ theories†lets get back to the discussion.

 

 

You deny the fact that you’re letting your emotions speak for you here, yet, that’s all I could see in your analysis of this topic. What was it you wrote again?

 

Ngonge, u do indeed sound like u are making excuses for domestic violence, reducing it to "just a slap" no big deal attitude. A slap leads to a punch and that leads to more serious and perhaps physically damaging behavior, but more importantly, the "lil' slap" does more damage to the psyche than anything else. Scars may go away, but emotional abuse doesnt, and it isn't right to reduce it or make excuses for it.

That was in reply to the fair question of how would a slap rate in your list of things that would end a marriage! Go back and read it then tell me how was I “reducing†or making excuses for it! :confused:

 

 

Emotions - this is the most polite explanation I could have for these feeble replies, you see. The replies are articulate enough and have some coherence so I could not accuse the posters of being dim-witted, can I now? – Sometimes help in a discussion, when you’re passionate about something, you use that passion to argue your case RATIONALLY and prove your point to be the right one. Emotions of the kind I see here are nothing but the stuff we see in a Jerry Springer show, a load of hot air! No attempt is made to engage the mind; rather it’s all aimed at the heart. It’s all about the poor woman who got beat and how psychologically damaging all that is (reinventing the wheel perchance?). If that were presented in context it would have been fine. However, to apply the “one slap and you’re out†principle to all cases of domestic violence and not substantiate such a contention is nothing short of folly and shortsightedness.

 

 

Again, I clearly stated that my argument was not for animals that regularly beat their spouses. Any sane person would tell you that the wife would be better off by abandoning such a husband. My argument was about the millions of others (be it men or women) who lose their cool in a domestic quarrel and lash out with their hands. Would that instance of lashing out deem the marriage obsolete regardless of any other factors? If such were the case, then there is no point in people getting married at all. Marriage, you see, is a sacred institution. It should not be tossed aside lightly. Of course, there might be some women out there who believe a slap is all it should take to end the marriage, but I bet you that even those women will still think twice before deciding to throw it all away.

 

This “talk show†attitude to real life problems is very unhealthy and leads to the break up of homes. People like you on this website, the supposedly educated and “intelligent†lot, should be able to use your common sense and logic (no matter how basic it might be) to view such issues. Statements such as “ if he hits me I’ll show him the door†single out the “hitting†part and do not address the reasons for the hitting or the situation that led to the “hitting†taking place. If you go around spreading such attitudes you’ll damage many homes out of a misplaced sense of pride and emotional opinions (if you possess any other forms of judgment I’m yet to see them, so excuse the characterisation).

 

At least Ayren Sun kept her emotions slightly under control. She stated her total revulsion for the idea of being struck (and rightly so) yet she stated that if she should ever get hit in her marriage, she would end it (which is a bit too emotional and impulsive) or she’d REVIEW it (which is the most sensible thing she wrote in that reply).

 

 

In life, you often come across situations where you’re presented with two bad choices and you’re forced to make one. Which one do you choose? Do you follow your heart or mind? If you decide to follow one side, do you do it because it’s the right one? How do you know it’s the right one? Do you think about both sides first and compare the pros and cons or do you flip a coin? In some of the replies above and the way they were presented, it looks like they’ve flipped a coin!

[sheherazade]

Ngonge, u talk of ordinary couples and yet u give the example of red-handed adultery and knife brandishing. These are extreme examples and have nothing to do with the kind of events that are far more common- being stuck in a cycle of violence.

 

U talk about saving marriages by being rational and yet neither of these situations is one which would invite a rational decision or much hope of reconciliation. I certainly wouldn't stay with a partner I caught in bed with someone and I sure as hell wouldn't stay with someone who tried to kill me.

 

Why don't u tell us about one-offs? How do a man and woman get over that kind of thing? Forgiveness, right? And moving on for the sake of the family unit. It is down to the receiver of the slap to decide whether what had transpired could have brought on a moment of madness or not. Some of us are capable of sending others over the edge with our words alone. Perhaps it is these people who should think twice about walking away from the monster they helped create. Of course this is a possibility. But not one which will not occur to me as the only possibility if I were to hear of a woman getting hit. The harsh reality is that most women believe it is a one-off when it first occurs. This is why I'd encourage anybody- man or woman- who gets hit to make it very, very clear that they will not accept it again, if they choose to stay. Two one-offs just aren't one-offs anymore.

 

I would not be comfortable staying with a man that hit me. It is not an emotional decision- I am not in the midst of the conflicting emotions of that scenario.I know my mind, what will sit well with me and what won't. That does not mean I expect the same of somebody else. I'm not in the business of ruining other people's marriages and suggesting my fixes for their lives.

 

We women are more mindful of this as it affects us more and we have a prepared course of action for it. Whether we stick to it or not is another matter. Whether I would stick to it or not is something I hope never to find out.

 

You want to depersonalise the subject and question our choices and intellect at the same time. It is you who have become emotional.

 

 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

[NGONGE]

Finally! A result. Now, sister, without taking offence or treating this as a point scoring exercise. Go back and read your first reply then read your last reply and see the huge difference between the two.

 

You’re making a whole lot of sense in your final reply where your first was full of assumptions and following a straight line (one which you’ve constructed). I only “personalised†the issue once others started it. My aim was never to argue fruitlessly or look down at anyone with moral indignation. However, once I saw that the discussion would follow the same old lines of “ this is wrong and that’s thatâ€, I had to up the stakes a little. I’m glad to see it’s bearing fruit. Thanks and no offence again.

 

PS

The examples I gave were meant to sound that way (i.e. absurd).

[sheherazade]

Originally posted by NGONGE:

Finally! A result. Now, sister, without taking offence or treating this as a point scoring exercise. Go back and read your first reply then read your last reply and see the huge difference between the two.

 

The huge difference between the two is that I was doing your job for you. You decided to mention the down-trodden one-timer but made a hash of putting his perspective across. Think of it as a helping hand. Pun intended.

 

I have no interest in jumping up and down for the one-off spark of violence in a relationship. Also, that was not what the topic was dealing with. Only a defeated woman would ask for a reduction in beatings and not a complete stop. I don't care about one-off incidents that couples smooth out. I care about the others. Those that wreck marriages, disrupt childhoods and destroy women.

 

There were no assumptions in my first post. Did I not make it clear that I was referring to the cycle of domestic violence when I spoke of the what goes on. I did say that a woman flinches from then on when an argument occurs. Why wouldn't she? It is to be expected. There will always be that nagging doubt at the back of her mind. Don't kid yourself that because she has forgiven she has forgotten.

 

 

You’re making a whole lot of sense in your final reply where your first was full of assumptions and following a straight line (one which you’ve constructed).

 

Straight line following my opinion and my knowledge of what

persistent domestic violence

entails. You on the other hand were all over the place. Why does a discussion leaning towards continued domestic violence cause you such outrage?

 

I only “personalised†the issue once others started it.

 

The old, 'they started it'.

 

My aim was never to argue fruitlessly or look down at anyone with moral indignation.

 

Fooled me!

 

However, once I saw that the discussion would follow the same old lines of “ this is wrong and that’s thatâ€, I had to up the stakes a little. I’m glad to see it’s bearing fruit. Thanks and no offence again.

 

Excuses. U got emotional and now that you don't want to pick holes in my words and claim that they make sense to you, you want to take credit for it?

 

I wasn't doing your job for you for

your

benefit but for the benefit of impressionable young men out there who would benefit from clarity. I don't want anyone walking away after reading this and thinking there are times when it's justified. I would much rather over-emphasise the damage domestic violence causes and be accused of being one-tracked than indulge my ability to see all possibilities!

 

That was my purpose. What was yours? To save the few marriages that end with one slap as a result of those who only see it from one side and encourage a woman to leave? Do u really think people take other people's marriages that easily? Do u really think women leave that easily? If that were the case, why do battered women stay with their husbands for years and years? What makes u think a woman slapped once will walk away as result of a few people's opinions? She might but this nowhere near as common as the woman enduring it for years. I know which one I'd rather speak for and about. Put your pom poms down. The one-time slapper does not need your intellectual help.

 

PS

The examples I gave were meant to sound that way (i.e. absurd).

 

They were

and

they didn't help make

your

point.

P.S: we are point-scoring. At least own up to it.

[Jumatatu]

Originally posted by Seven of Nine:

There is nothing wrong with a slap here or there in the right place, infact, its a little kinky and pleasurable.

Damn this girl plays with my imagination, well ocassionally..!

[NGONGE]

I thought we sorted things out and were doing so well!

 

Ah well, some people are happy to turn things into arguments. I’ll let you win this one, Sheherzad.

 

The task I set out to accomplish was done with not one post from you but two! The hissy fit in between is a small price when compared to the fact that you finally explained yourself (for my benefit or anyone else’s does not really matter). Like I said, thanks again. Now don’t go forgetting that successful formula, wont you.

[IL CAPO]

Originally posted by NGONGE:

 

Oh, bring out the violins, wont you! :rolleyes:

 

This sort of waffle is what destroys marriages, saaxib. Humans are not perfect. Arguments take place, they fall out, they fight. They don’t talk to each other for days. It seriously is not some sort of Indian movie(even though they usually kiss and make up at the end of these fights).

You are taking this CLANDO too seriously aren't you?

 

I see you like to argue without even knowing what is it that you are arguing about; you got your own ideas and beliefs even if they are dodgy and I respect that but you should learn to respect other people's ideas even if you don't agree with them but here you are making a deafening noise and opting to post an autobiography instead and you are busy arm wrestling with every butterfly that flies by.

 

You have kidnapped the whole topic and killed the fun because you intentionally put yourself in the line of fire and manipulated everybody else into directing their anger, disappointment and frustrations at you because you are the most argumentative person of the lot and it would have been stimulating to read you arguing with yourself because most of the time you end up doing just that and we are cruel enough to leave you get on with it when we know we should offer some sort of help to save you from yourself.

 

Don't deny the fact that people are not programmed to think alike and not everybody including men like to see woman beaten up by a man so it is in everybody's best interest if you would accept that not all men think like you and not all men like to watch Indian movies and accept the fact that there are some men who would rather watch Cricket than Indian Movie.

 

Give it a rest sxb because no one really cares whether you are a wife beater or a mule raider all we need to see is a world without a violence, now is that too much to ask?

 

By the way if you fancy a cup of Tangawizi meet me at 4th St in EastLeigh and we can have a nice and civilized discussion over few kilos of fresh Kangeta and don't worry about the Chapa, everything will be taken care of by yours truly.

[IL CAPO]

Originally posted by Aeryn Sun:

^^Kix kix kix kix!

 

IL CAPO, where do you find these stories?!

how good are you in keeping a secret?

ssshhhhhhh don't tell everyone 1.

[x_quizit]

Ng, I see that i hit a nerve and its quite hilarious to see u floundering..hehe...anyways, u're wayyyy off base with reality, but if ur world is full of fantasy, who am i to burst ur bubble? Im extremely happy that my father was never that type of man, but can u truly say u arent that type? Maybe thats why ur ready to dig a dagger in my eye, cause i feared i came to close to home... .....u want a simple answer if hitting is on top of our list for a marriage breaker? well duh!!!! if we're saying that's the worst thing a man can do, then it is on top of our list, but if u need it spelled out, yes! a slap and we're through, because a man is never just overcome with the need to hit, there must be a history, therefore will also be a recurrence if he does not seek help....not to say there arent those that can be rehabilitated, but how many somali husbands have u seen owning up to it and seeking professional help? nada! zilch, zero...

 

In any case, u said u werent making excuses, instead of asking everyone to look back at what they wrote, why dont U and see the times when u were giving excuses, about a man maybe being tired, dif factors involved, ect,....what amazes me about u is that u dont give credit to an opposing view , rather trying to cut it down so that u may shine in all ur false glory. Well, may the force be with u!

 

p.s.-emotions, is that the new male lingo? every time a woman speaks, she must be all in knots, but when u do, dear robot, u are entirely objectional arent u? hmmm