If I can't beat my wife, how will she know that I love her

[Xoogsade]

All About America in 3 Days

 

Dogs are treated like people, money flows and life is easy. Or is it? U.S.-bound Somalian refugees get a crash course in survival. By Edmund Sanders, Times Staff Writer

September 12, 2006

 

 

KAKUMA, Kenya — They had learned how to buy bus tokens and clip coupons. Gotten hands-on training for lighting a gas stove and flushing a toilet. Taken a pop quiz on women's rights.

 

But for a group of U.S.-bound Somalian immigrants taking a three-day crash course on life in America recently, one topic by far stirred the most buzz: snow.

 

 

Staring at pictures of snow-covered roofs and hearing stories about waking up to find a frontyard covered in white, the Somalis (who'd rarely felt temperatures below 60 degrees) peppered the instructor with questions.

 

"How do I save my family from this … snow?" asked Hassan Mohammed Abrone, 41, a father of two who was already trying to embrace the American lifestyle by wearing a Statue of Liberty baseball cap and a pair of secondhand Nike Airs.

 

After hearing a description of coats, scarves, gloves and long underwear, another student, Lelya Yussuf, 23, asked: "How can we walk while wearing all that? Isn't it too heavy?" In an effort to explain snow to people who have never seen it, the instructor asked students to imagine how it would feel to live inside a refrigerator. But the analogy fell flat for some, because they'd never heard of such an appliance.

 

"This job takes a lot of patience," instructor Abdullahinur Sheik Kassim said. "You can't take anything for granted."

 

For the Somalis in this northern Kenya refugee camp, passing a class in America 101 is the final hurdle to boarding airplanes for new lives. As they fly toward the United States, they will learn for the first time where their new homes will be.

 

A speed-read through American culture, the U.S.-mandated class tries to prepare them for what they will find when they arrive. It covers everything from mini-malls and microwaves to same-sex marriage.

 

For most of the students, ranging in age from 4 to 65, it's a steep learning curve. They've spent much of their lives fleeing Somalia's 15-year civil war, scrambling to survive in the bush or toiling in squalid refugee camps. Most come from persecuted ethnic groups and clans, such as the Bantu or Ashraf, that were the first to lose what little property they had after the collapse of Mohamed Siad Barre's regime in 1991. Now those same injustices have made them eligible to escape to the United States.

 

The cultural orientation class is one of hundreds given each year in Africa by the International Organization for Migration, or IOM, one of the world's largest refugee-assistance groups, which organizes the class with funding from the U.S. State Department.

 

Such programs began in the 1970s for Southeast Asian refugees heading to the United States. Back then, immigrants spent months at transition camps, learning the English language and American customs before entering the country. Over the years, budget cuts have pruned the orientation program to less than a week.

 

"In just three days, there is not a lot that we can realistically do," said Pindie Stephen, the group's regional coordinator for the classes in Kenya. "All we can do is plant the seeds of values and concepts they will encounter later. And we try to dispel myths, because so much of what they learn is from the rumor mill."

 

Refugees often believe that life in the U.S. will be easy, that they will live in big homes with cars and television sets. Such descriptions come from relatives in America who sometimes exaggerate their prosperity, or from the U.S.-made TV movies occasionally shown inside refugee camps.

 

"I know all about America," said Amal Nuradia, 27. "I've seen the Hallmark Channel." She is among the thousands of Somalian refugees at Kakuma, most of whom fled their country more than a decade ago. More than 12,000 have resettled in the U.S. in recent years.

 

"What do you know about America?" Kassim asked at the beginning of a recent orientation class. Students yelled out their answers: It's a superpower. People are always in a hurry. Neighbors don't talk to each other. Dogs are treated like people. Gay people get married. All children go to school.

 

With only 15 hours of class, Kassim wasted no time, covering U.S. history in less than 90 seconds. George Washington was the first president. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. Martin Luther King Jr. marched for civil rights. Time for the next subject.

 

Much of the curriculum is based on feedback from recent immigrants. For example, when new immigrants complained about being bewildered by the modern conveniences of a typical American home, IOM built a fully functioning kitchen and bathroom at the back of one classroom. Long flights to the U.S. were so traumatic that a video was added about airplanes, from lavatories to airsickness bags.

 

Somalian Bantu, who were historically treated like slaves by other groups and lived in mud huts in the bush without water or electricity, usually know little of modern society, needing instruction on such basic tasks as flipping light switches or turning doorknobs. Other students are from more developed urban centers, such as Mogadishu, the Somalian capital, but even they have limited exposure to sights such as skyscrapers, freeways or elevators, and their children have been largely raised on the run or inside refugee camps.

 

Sensing the students' anxiety about snow, Kassim spent the next hour explaining U.S. weather. In their textbooks, students read about the importance of punctuality and Americans' "obsession" with cleanliness.

 

Of the 25 students, only one spoke English, so Kassim practiced some key English phrases.

 

"Po-LEESE! Po-LEESE!" the students recited in unison, practicing a 911 call.

 

Coming from a country without government or law, the idea that help is only a phone call away amazed Yussuf, whose parents were killed and who is traveling to the U.S. alone. "So if anyone bothers me, I just call 911 and the police come and beat them?" she asked. "Life must be very easy."

 

Immigrants also heard about U.S. laws. Beating your wife and children is illegal, they were told, and so is chewing khat, the leafy amphetamine-like stimulant popular in Somalia. Performing genital excision on young girls is prohibited.

 

"If I can't beat my wife, how will she know that I love her?" Abrone asked, seated next to his silent teenage bride.

 

Monogamy was equally unpopular with some men, who said their religion permitted four wives. But Kassim shut down the debate. "It doesn't matter," he told them. "In the U.S. you'll barely be able to afford one wife, anyway."

 

The second day of class began with an exercise in equality. Students broke into teams and were asked to identify which potential U.S. jobs — taxi driver, hairdresser or doctor, for example — were held exclusively by men and which were held by women. It was a trick question, designed to spark a discussion about gender equality.

 

In one group, Abdi Ahmed Mohammed, 56, a former Mogadishu shopkeeper, grabbed the worksheet and began dividing the occupations by gender.

 

"Wait," Yussuf complained. "Why is 'housekeeper' female?"

 

"It's woman's work," Mohammed snapped, checking the box for "female."

 

As the instructor began calling on students to defend their answers, it became clear that, at least in the U.S., the correct answer for all jobs was "both." Mohammed began discreetly erasing his worksheet, and when the instructor asked for his answer for "baby-sitter," he covered the paper with an arm and answered confidently, "Both."

 

The day ended with a tour of the mock kitchen and bathroom. Mohammed ran his fingers over the surface of the gas stove as if it were a shiny new Porsche. Kassim demonstrated how to use a variety of strange Western products, including toothpaste, shampoo and toilet paper.

 

"Why must I hide behind the curtain in the shower?" one student asked.

 

"It's to prevent the water from splashing," Kassim explained.

 

Some refugee experts worry that the classes focus too heavily on such basic household lessons.

 

"They can learn about flushing toilets and riding buses once they get there," said Hussain Mahmood, head of the Kakuma branch of the Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees, which also works with Somali refugees. "Instead, I think they'd be better served by a frank discussion about the discrimination and hostilities they may face as Muslims or Africans in the U.S. What's going to happen when a woman in a scarf meets some skinhead? I'd like to see more about dealing with those cultural challenges."

 

By the end of the second day, however, the challenges of living in the U.S. were beginning to sink in for some.

 

"I'm starting to worry about where I will live and who will take care of my baby when I go to work," said Fozia Ahmed Hussein Mohammed, 24 and eight months pregnant. Her boyfriend was not eligible to go with her.

 

"This is going to be more difficult than I thought," she said.

 

By the third day, Kassim was scrambling to squeeze in the final lessons. He turned to finances and budgeting. Immigrants might hope to earn $1,000 a month, he told them, but rent for a two-bedroom apartment averages $800, depending upon the area. "One income will not be enough," he said.

 

New arrivals get a 30-day assistance package, including help finding a house or apartment, but after that they are expected to find employment. U.S. government relief programs, such as food stamps and welfare, are also available to immigrants.

 

Kassim concluded with a lesson that left many students in disbelief. He showed them a large chart displaying immigrants' typical mood swings, first soaring during a "honeymoon" phase, then plummeting during a "depression" and finally settling at a "recovery."

 

"At first you will feel as if you've gone to paradise," Kassim said. "Everything is so easy." But research has shown that later many will experience sadness, loneliness, culture shock and pangs of guilt over friends and family left behind in Africa.

 

"It's called stress," he told them. "You can't sleep. You watch TV all the time. Some people even kill themselves." A few students stiffened in their chairs. A couple laughed nervously. It was incomprehensible that they would survive years of hunger and homelessness in Somalia only to commit suicide in one of the richest countries in the world.

 

"How could we feel depressed there?" Abdi Ahmed Mohammed asked. "After the life we are living, any other life will be better." Asked for a show of hands of how many believed they might experience stress or sadness, not a single hand went up.

 

"We do what we can to warn them," Kassim said after conducting a brief graduation ceremony. "I hope they are ready."

 

Outside, graduates clutched their cultural orientation "diplomas," unable to hide their growing excitement. Some would board airplanes in a matter of days.

 

Sofia Sharif, 21, was 6 when her village was attacked. Her father was killed; her mother and five siblings disappeared into the bush. Today she is alone in the world, except for a distant older cousin who kept Sharif out of school and forced her to keep house and take care of the cousin's children.

 

"If my parents had lived, I might have had the chance to go to school," Sharif said. "But so what? I'm 21. I'm single. And now I'm going to America."

[Som@li]

"So if anyone bothers me, I just call 911 and the police come and beat them?" she asked. "Life must be very easy."

 

 

I wonder why many somali men end up in jail..lol

[Xoogsade]

The article had me laughing for a while. I had no idea such unschooled beings came from Somalia with such twisted culture as to beat a wife to express love. I heard once a story about a man who was sent to some southern town in Wamo areas. He got married from the locals and went about his normal business without beating his wife the first night. The wife herself complained to her family about the new husband not loving her because he didn't beat her the first night. This article proves such culture existed indeed.

 

As for the ladies dialing 911, sometimes it is necessary to call. However, many somalis do misunderstand the purpose of such service and call 911 for a mere verbal dispute.

[Som@li]

I also heard abt the story where men beat their wives to show love , what abt the stories that they tie the new bride to a tree full of ants, so many weird cultures existed in some parts of our country, and maybe left few traces on these pple, although i am thinking they are exaggerating a bit.

[rudy-Diiriye]

dabshid! who told u this! u been pranked homie!

in america, us guys get beat n stuff! u ever heard the 3 digits called 911..!

 

well, the tonite our better halves wants to party, she calls 911...and the wise guys, just drive to nearest jail..! u feel me.! u dont wanna wait for bubba to come and hall you azz to jail!!

 

we are the abused.....holla.. i rather be tied to ant hill any day than to be in jail with crips n bloods etc..!!

[Som@li]

Aduunyo, Rag masaas ba u danbeeysay! could it be that you paying the price of the past lol

[man_in_malaysia]

If I can't beat my wife, how will she know that I love her

She will not ..just beat her, kick her...lool

[Khalaf]

Originally posted by Xoogsade:

The article had me laughing for a while. I had no idea such unschooled beings came from Somalia with such twisted culture as to beat a wife to express love.

this culture is bantu somalis and not mainstream somalis....many live in my state and I heard something like this...my father worked with their settlement here...and they got twisted culture for sure.

[Shakti]

one word 4 the title......Hilarious.

 

as 4 the thread.. question 2 those of u who read it.. was it worth reading it?

[me]

Someone should have told Abrone Tolkaaga iyo xaaskaaga midna looma xoog weynaado.

 

maahmaahahaan meel walba waa lagaga bixi karaa

[me]

To us it might sound funny, but beating up a wive up to 'educate' her or show her how much you 'love' her is a common practice in Zambia.

 

 

Wife-beating in Zambia a 'natural consequence'

Lusaka

 

03 Dec 2003 11:37

About 80% of Zambian wives find it acceptable to be beaten by their husbands "as a form of chastisement", according to the latest Zambia Demographic Health Survey.

 

Out of 5 029 women interviewed countrywide, 79% said they should be beaten if they went out without their husband's permission. Sixty-one percent said a beating was acceptable if they denied their husbands sex, while 45% said a beating was in order if they cooked 'bad' food.

 

Compounding the abuse was the culture of silence around domestic violence. "This is an aberration -- and women are making an abnormality normal," said National Aids Council director, Dr Alex Simwanza, when he recently met traditional leaders to urge their support in fighting gender-based violence.

 

"Zambian wives are living in a sorry state. As far as they are concerned they can be beaten for almost anything. This is a frightening phenomenon," he noted.

 

Simwanza said most of the women who took part in the survey did not believe they had sexual or reproductive rights. Quoting the survey, he said 88% of women felt their husbands could have sex with them just after giving birth, while 67% said they would have sex even though they did not want it.

 

Simwanza blamed the submissive attitude uncovered in the poll on what is taught to girls during puberty rites.

 

But custodians of tradition have refused to accept the blame. Gertrude Mulande, a traditional marriage counsellor, believes wife-beating is a "natural consequence" of male-female relationships and must be seen in perspective. She says there is 'chastisement' and 'violence' -- two separate issues.

 

Her organisation, "alangizi", which is made up of traditional counsellors, works closely with community leaders and the police to sensitise women on domestic violence "within the confines of cultural values".

 

"Yes we teach young girls to expect to be slapped or hit lightly when they err as a form of chastisement, and we also tell them to keep their marital problems within their family circles -- but we do not teach them to accept violent beatings, neither do we teach them to suffer in silence," said Mulande.

 

Mulande said in the past women were married off at 16 years or even younger to an older man, who had the right to act as 'chastiser', but it was frowned upon for that to extend to a severe beating. Traditionally, if a woman was badly abused, the matter was taken to family elders and resolved, because men were counselled not to hit their wives as though they were fighting with another man.

 

"The extended family has become extinct, causing women to air dirty linen in public, and chastisement has turned to brutality. That is not our fault," Mulande said.

 

Mulande, whose husband had slapped her "a couple of times" during 30 years of marriage, argued that although the statistics revealed that beatings were occurring, this should not be interpreted to mean women were being brutalised in their homes.

 

One diplomat, based in the capital Lusaka, agreed. He said domestic fights were common in homes and, even as educated and enlightened as he was, admitted to "roughing up" his wife a couple of times in their 19 years together. He did not know of any wife who could say she had never been slapped or beaten by her husband.

 

"In the earlier years of marriage when we [men] are still immature, we tend to use force instead of reason, but a beating should never be so severe that that a wife runs away or reports you to the police," he said. A father of two daughters, he hopes they will have husbands who are not violent, but is certain that at one point "they will receive a slap".

 

This is the kind of perception that raises the ire of the national Women's Lobby group, who define violence as any form of force used against women.

 

"Whether it is a weak slap on the cheek or a powerful fist in the face, it is still violence," explained lobby group member Juliet Chibuta. "There should be no so-called chastisement among equals. In these days of gender awareness and the fight against abuse, it is sad that women are still being subjected to outdated cultural norms."

 

She added: "The fact that women are admitting that they expect to be beaten for perceived wrongs means we [the lobby] have a long way to go in sensitisation."

 

Equally perturbed is President Levy Mwanawasa, who recently said the country needed to examine its cultural values that legitimised violence against women. "Any form of domestic violence is a violation human rights and should be stopped," he warned.

 

Police spokesperson Brenda Mutemba said whether it was chastisement or beating, some women were suffering severe brutality. "We are receiving about five cases of wife battering a day. I cannot say whether it's an increase or just more cases being reported, but there is cause for concern."

 

There has been a heightened awareness of violence against women since the launch of the annual international campaign of 16 days of activism against gender violence, which kicked off on 25 November. The event is being observed by some 100 countries.

 

Charles Lwiindi is among 50 members of the "men's travelling conference" who are heading to neighbouring Malawi by bus, making stops to talk about gender violence with communities on the way.

 

Lwiindi, who has been married for 11 years, admitted he hit his wife once, but had never done so again. "You live with someone whom you know is physically weaker than you are, the temptation to impose your will or dominance by force is great. For many it is the first time they are in a position of strength in all their adult life," he said. - Irin

[Wisdom_Seeker]

So it is more of somalia-bantu culture rather than a somali culture.

 

I don't know why people are mixing the bantu culture with the somali culture