troubled sisters

[Faynuus]

i have a younger sis and we did not grow up togather. we have a very large family and when ever i do something little for a family member, a perent or a relative, she gets annoyed and feels that she is not as important or helpful. the thing is i have been doing this kind of service for the family for a very long time and she, coz she was young until now started earning money and all of a sudden am the bad one, undermining her existance and according to her am giving people money becouse i want to comptete with her. This is the younger sister who i practically raised and bought her every single thing she asked me including sponser/boos. when a family member contacts her and asks for help, she says she cant afford anything and if i talk to her and advice her to be nice to the relatives and the family she blames me and even insults me. It hurts me deeply and i want her to feel secure and confident with her self but she literally hates me what should i do? she married a man whom she left in Africa and wedding took place months before her departure, i adviced her that it was not a good idea with distance marriage and all but she refused to hear anything now, they are at logger heads and awaiting divorce becouse the husband demands alot of money and that she should take him to Europe which she cant do now, so he married someone else and she devastated now. i really want to be there for her especailly when she is going thru all this trouble but she wont answer my calls, will not reply to my mails and some times, i just want to cutt of all relationship with her but she is a teenager and i want to be the big sister iam to her. aaaaaaaah, am just dissappointed.

[Aaliyyah]

I don't understand why would she get angry if you'r helping your parents and relatives back home.She's the one who should know what it means to live in Africa, given that she had a husband back home. Kinda confusing there. One would assume someone who recently came from Africa, would know the situation those ppl face on daily basis. Anyways, I think she's better off without that dude back home. Think about it he just wanted money from her and she most likely didn't mean anything to him. So it's about time she moves on.

 

As for her taking her anger and issues on you when you are the older sister who was always there for her is just childish walahi. It's about time she grows up and learns to stop acting like a cry baby..I would say give her a call and tell her to get her act together. This world doesn't evolve around her..

 

That been said, I will make du'a for both you

 

 

wa salaamu alaikum

[Nephissa]

Damn, thats harsh! Why is she doing this to you? Your mom should have slapped her cross eyed, mise aabahaa baa dhalay? half siblings-ku waa nooc minal chapaan. I have a brother who drives me to insanity at times as well, though over very different things...

 

My only advice to you is grin and bear it for as long as you can. You have put the best foot forward by trying to contact/be there for her. Seriously, you have done all that you can do at this time, I hope that in time she comes to realize that she has cut off an important part of her life. I pray for you I'A for her to snap out of it.

[Hunguri]

Faynuus, your sister is brain washed. And, the cause of setting her up against you, is most likely from the man. I mean her husband. She loves him so much for sure, and can not take a proper decision she is confused. This is something very common, when young girls get hooked up with a man, they go against family and specially the elders and respected siblings. Mmmmmm as a solution, I would advice you to look for a good boy of your family and tell him to play his opposite sex card in a brotherly good way and give her a sense of stability and comfort with peace Otherwise, ninkaasaa gabadha kaa haysta. Markaa waa inaad walaashaa soo dhacsataa

[Malika]

Faynus,

 

First,you will need to stop thinking in the lines of " how dare, she after all I have done for her" these kind of thoughts will just create more resentment and aren't doing you any favors as a person,it just will erode away your sense of humility.

 

My dear,You will have to accept,despite her being your sister she is an individual with her own insecurities and personality. She might be resenting you due to your status in the family or your sense of independence/caring nature etc

 

We might not like to admit this about our own sisters,but in reality there is always a certain element of competition and jealousy. You might not be one that harbors these kind of emotions but it doesn't mean your sisters aren't.It's tough being a big sister,but there will come a time when you will need to let them be,as the more you try to help them better themselves the more they will resent you.That doesn't mean you should cut ties with her,you will just have to learn to relate to her in a different level.Back off from trying to tell her, how she should live her life,what choices she should make, whom she should help etc etc,as these kind of interference will just cause more damage to your already fragile relationship.

 

It doesn't mean when we look after our family members in times of needs that they should forever be grateful to us,we do this because we care for them,for whom they are,not what they should be.

 

I hope you will find within you to forgive her,and yourself for the high expectations you harbor,as she is only human,in a complex relationship with you.

 

I don't know if I had helped you or lectured you,but as a big sister of a difficult young sister,I had to learn to back off and let her be her own individual person, with her own way of thinking/reasoning. I am still there for her,through hard times and good times.Actually I don't know life without her and her babies in it,she adds value to it.

[Faynuus]

Aaliyaah thank you and may Allah accept your prayers for all of us. aameen.

 

Nephy it kind of boils ur blood isn't it? but as you said urs is not a big one . thank god. and for the record, she is my full simbling otherwise i would have understood her resentment.

 

Hunguri. Lool. war waa la qabaa wali and i do not believe in the man from the family crap. that one is also a very close member but they choose each other and it hurts that he is just using her instead of loving her.

 

Malika u seem to understand where am comin from. sometimes i think iam doing alot of advicing and all which she clearly doesnt appreciate but she is a very stubborn person and feels she is always right. i normally stay away from telling her anything and let her decide what is best for her but sometimes, she just skrews thing up and it allways goes against her wishes. see at the end she ends up being the victim. And it breaks my heart to see her suffer, it also breaks my heart that i she wont let me be there for her and comfort her as a sister. she complains alot about being lonely and stressed and i think alot about her but now i just will keep a very low profile and see how things go. am really upset with her, am also very much worried about her and wish all her problems will go away insha Allah.

 

Thanks all, u were all helpful in different ways.

[Miriam1]

^ you got some great advice there. good luck

[Kool_Kat]

Faynuus, dealing with a teen sister can be very challenging, specially hadeydaan isla soo korin...You don't know what hardships she'd been through as a young girl, and even if you do, you don't know how it has affected her as a person...Or even if her resentments towards you comes from the simple fact that you had a better life then her per se...

 

Regardless, communication is the key...You shouldn't just think of why isn't she doing this, that or the other...OR why isn't she taking my advice or listening to me...You should be thinking of how you can help her become a better person by listening to her and trying to understand how she really feels...May be you should change the way you approach her, there might be something you're doing or the way your offering to help that is causing her to behave/act in certain way...Really just listen to what she is saying, then take small steps together to rectify the problem/situation...

 

At times it might just help to talk to her in an equal way ( you know as a friend, as qof fahmaayo) and not as an 'older' sister...I know it is easier said than done, but getting discouraged should not be an option - specially when it comes to a teen sister who is new to the country - HELL NO!!!

 

Hope it all works out for you and your sister...And I know all about niman kaan joogo meelahaas oo when they hear gabar baa dhoofaysa/sponsor heshay they make their moves, and next thing you know they want to marry the girl... :mad: Hopefully, she'll rise above that and not let him stop her from becoming a successful young woman and achieving her goals in life, insha'allah...

 

All the best...

[Fabregas]

Hunguri qoramad nogatay agony aunt?

[Som@li]

lol @ hunguri,

 

Gabadha jacaykeeda u keen, if her chosen one is still away,if not possible, confort her, and help get on with situation, Yayna u arag mindi mindi ku taag.If you expext the return of the good favours you done for her, You will be dissappointed, It does not happen always.

[Hunguri]

Wallee dumaroow waad sheekayseen . From the point view of a man, If her husband happen to be a close relative, who is taking an advantage of her teenage and misusing her turst in him. Then, its really very hard and complex to solve this issue. I have seen a number of girls not only one, who have been completely taken by greedy,mean boys. And, then set them up against their families. This seem to be very fragile too. Weather you like it or not Faynuus. You have two options.

 

(1) Help your young sister, and her close relative husband, by bring them together to eas the tention and pressure. For, she simply wants the man. When brought together, if he changes, and becomes a good husband, which obviosely we can not for tell now, then good for her, for you and the entire family. If not, then you have done your best and no regrets.

 

(2)Other wise. Worst senario of the case, leave them alone and just let the time tell!

 

PS:-

 

BG Somalidaa waxay hore ugu maahmaahday.. Waayeel indha dheeri waxaadan arkaynin, ishaaro ku sheeg. Waxyaalo fara badan ayaan usoo joogay boowe . Mida kale, ( Oday iyo umulisaba siday wax u arkeen uma sheegaan ). Almuhim, Dabshid ishaad ka tuurtay. Inanta, waa in ninkeedii ama loo keenaa, ama faraha laga qaadaa. Dumarku tooda uun bay ka hadlayaan

[Malika]

Originally posted by Faynuus:

Malika u seem to understand where am comin from. sometimes i think iam doing alot of advicing and all which she clearly doesnt appreciate but she is a very stubborn person and feels she is always right. i normally stay away from telling her anything and let her decide what is best for her but sometimes, she just skrews thing up and it allways goes against her wishes. see at the end she ends up being the victim. And it breaks my heart to see her suffer, it also breaks my heart that i she wont let me be there for her and comfort her as a sister. she complains alot about being lonely and stressed and i think alot about her but now i just will keep a very low profile and see how things go. am really upset with her, am also very much worried about her and wish all her problems will go away insha Allah.

I do Faynus,I almost lost my sister,due to my overly protectiveness.I went through the stages of resenting her for resenting me,but surely all I did and do for her is out of love,so I had to find the compassion that had to go with that love..She resented every advice I gave at that time,but now when I look at her life she is living exactly the life I wanted for her.. [of course with the help of God]although I still bite my tongue every time I see something that bugs me,I remind myself she is whom she is and I am who I am.We are sisters,but we have different journeys through life. So be there,but not in there,give her room to grow,let her fall and stumble,one day she will stand on her feet or she might not!

 

Imagine living under the shadow of a two goody shoe sister eey? Nauseating in many sense, its from pleasing the parents to the neighbors,I mean come on,what chances have the younger sister got to find her own identity,when always compared to>> Ms Perfect!

 

 

Hunguri,adiguu naa husband lee la tagantahay,shekadhuu waa Faynus and her sisters relationship not the husband and faynus..Lol

[Hunguri]

Malika, you are missing the point. Faynuus and the sister are sisters, she helped her sister and brough her up. She stack her neck out to help her and gave her every thing. All over sudden nin baa soo dhex galay meeshii. Waxbuu inantii ku quraabay, Quraan dhurwaa ayuu ku akhriyey. Jacbur iyo Jajuub iyo ku affuufay. Khalaas, kadibna waakaas walaasheed ku diray Markaa ama ninka inanta ka dhici. Ama meeshaada iga fadhi. Qoftan iyo walaasheed ( warkii dumarka ) iskuma haystaane . Dumaroow sheekadani idinka wayn. Maaha Gartii aad niqi jirteen. Ee ahayd heblaa heblaayo wax ka sheegtay looool

[Blessed]

Hmmm. Could it be that you (Faynuus) is too overbearing and self righteous? I find it hard to believe that you are all perfect and she is so evil.

 

It could be that your sister is a little spoilt, perhaps immature but if you were approaching things probably you wouldn't be having so many problems. Why are you having issues over what you give to relatives? Do you advertise it? How would you feel if your sister focused only on your shortcomings? You didn't write a single positive about her in this thread, is this how you are off line? Why do you feel that you have a right to meddle in her affairs, raising her was your duty as an older sister but it doesn't give you ownership over her. She needs to find her own path, make her own decisions, mistakes.. Or she'll be some little (or big) dhoongo that keeps running back to you with every little problem.

 

I don't mean to be so harsh on you walaalo. I just think that sometimes you need to look within to find solutions to problems.

 

Sisters are one of the sweetest blessings from Allah. I hope you do get over this and enjoy your sisterhood. Insha Allah.

[nuune]

^^^ Maashaa Allaah Blessed

 

Feynuus, of course, on the other angle in laga fiiriyo waaye as Blessed said, illeen gabadha dhankeeda waa ay kaa eed sheeganaysaa as it is clear, you need to understand her point of view even if they are wrong, dhib kastaa xal buu leeyahay, aasaaska problemka ama meesha uu ka soo abuurmey in la helo waaye, it can be hard to determine, laakin it is there and needs to be dealt with, it would be easy for you to write down, what are the problems, how did they started, what are the causes, how can it be resolved, how can it be prevented, what is the immediate solution, and what are the long term solutions.