Arranged Marriages

[Nur]

e-Nuri Social Engineering Labs ( Old issues)

 

Presents:

 

Arranged Marriages ( In this day and age?)

 

This was a response I made to a woman who wanted to know about Somali arranged families, enjoy reading, and your comments are appreciated.

 

 

Arranged Marriages

 

 

Islam stresses a strong family relationship, thus, a mariage is not the marriage of two individuals only, rather, it represents a new family link to a larger family, just like Data Networks. If that link is down, there will be a lot of service denials, including but not limited to visitation, help, and birrul waldeyn ( Parental goodwill)

 

As life itself is a journey, the new couple need to network with the rest of the larger family for guidance, unlike what we see today of couples who leave town and do not look back to their folks except when they are in trouble and need speedcash by Wetern Union.

 

A Muslim marriage connects the couple eternally with their folks as an extended family sharing faith and life together. A good example was Somalia's fall from grace when families banded together to help their loved ones out of warring clans and settled them in Norh America. If that family mechanism did not exist, the tragedy would have been similar to that of Ruwanda and Burundi in which over a million peole were massacred to death.

 

Based on th above logic, parents prefer to handpick the groom for their daughter, considering his family bacground heavily to guarnatee that tthe relationship with their daughter continues as before. The family bacground is seen as an important measure for the success or the failure of the proposed marriage.

 

 

So in a sense, and from the parents point of view this logic makes sense.

 

 

Now let us look things from the prospective of the young adult. She definetely wants to live her life, not her parents, this is after all her personal decision, as she will be judged for all her actions, good or bad. So why are her parents meddling in her personal life? which is a good question, whose answer when I think about it, and rely on the most reliable Fiqh sources that I came accross, I find that: No parent has the right to forcefully arrange a marriage for his daughter as a wali to someone she does not want to.

 

a parent, thus, has no authority for a forced marrriage, nor a denial of her choice except for cases involving that the daughters choice has Islamic or moral character problems.

 

A parent is further abliged to accept the marriage of his daughter to any Islamically qualified candidate which is acceptable to his daughter, if he does not, The Prophet SAWS said," There will be a Fitna (moral corruption) and evil on earth"

 

But there are incidents that a parent reacts in an irrational way by forcing his daughter to marry someone because the parent is afraid if he does not, his daughter will join the Spice Girls.

 

In Kuwait, a father who loved his daughter very much noticed that she was crossing many decency lines, he bought her a very expensive car, put her in the best schools, only to see that she wanted more and more " Freedoms" and less supervision.

 

One day, the girl came to her dad with a bold proposal: to go to Britain for higher education. The Kuwaiti father knowing that they have no relatives in UK, and that his daughter would have to live alone, could not entertain the idea, but, he could not refuse it outright either as he loved his daughter and did not want to cause her anguish.

 

So he told her that he accepts the idea, but suggested that she has to go to Makkah for a pilgrimage before she goes to UK for school, alone. She accepted and the family packed to go.

 

The entire family took a driving trip to the holy land, including the spoiled girl. When they came close to Makkah, the father veered off road to visit an old friend of his who lived in a desert enclave inhabited by some bedouins who lived with their camels.

 

The bedouins welcomed the wealthy Kuwaiti family to their modest tents nearby their camels and sheep and offered some refreshments. The men sat in a tent and the women in another tent. After a short while of discussion, the father of the daughter asked a young camel boy if he wants to get married to his daugher in nearby tent. The young camel boy could'nt believe what he was hearing, specially an offer coming from a wealthy modern Kuwaiti family in vacation.

 

The young camel boy accepted the offer and the marriage contract was drawn without the consent of the girl.

 

The father, and the rest of the family packed and left the desert, leaving behind the miserably crying daughter in an environment she was ill trained to live, with someone she hardly knows how to talk to let alone conducting other relationships with.

 

Three years have passed, Her family came back to see how she was doing, to their surprise, they came to visit an extremely happilly married pregnant woman with two kids. The family shed a lot of tears, on each others shoulders and the daughter confided to her father that she never lived happier, sitting beside her smiling and happy camel boy husband who can not speak a word of English which she does. The Kuwaiti Spice Girl fan became, a camel milking girl. What a change of a course!

 

Now we can all argue, what would have been good for that girl, an Interior Designer trained in UK living in a small apartment on the Thames with a boyfriend unsteadily feeling used and abused, or a mother of three happily living in the desert. But it is only that Kuwaiti girl who can tell us which lifestyle would have been better if she indeed lived both lives, one at a time, but again, like Quantum mechanics, that is impossible.

 

 

Life is a big dream, it will all pass, and we can only capture memories of good and sad times, at the end, we will wake up to a new permanent reality, that of the day of judgement. A day in which all the measures of good and bad are not the ones we set, nor those our society accepts, rather, those set by Allah SWT. The sooner we align our wishes and desires to those of Allah SWT, the happier we shall feel.

 

Subxaankallahumma, laa ilaaha illallaha illaa anta, nastaghfiruka wa natuubu ileika.

 

 

Nur

 

e-Nuri Social Engineering Labs

We work harder, so you may live happier ever after

 

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Kuwa iga da'weyn, waa iga ajar badan yihiin, Kuwa iga da' yar, waa iga dambi yaryihiin.

[Warrior of Light]

Nur bro what i felt was betrayal. Parents may think they know whats better but i dont agree especially in this example.The Poor girl. The father should have talked some sense into her. The parents failed their daughter by not teaching her the basic /reality of life as in being a responsible person, learn to be content and in the end who pays for it? she does, getting married off to a camel boy. Subhannallah.

 

Arranged marriages may have their advantages.Especially at times of war or turbulation as you said to save the chastity of the ladys by marrying them off.

 

In times of peace,caution should be taken. i beleive alot of our people are still marrying within the family or same clan. Making me Wonder whats our rate of hereditary diseases? Something else rate of girls running away from their husbands coz they are not happy? Remember back home somali sisters used to disappear coz they were not content married to a guy due to the fact he had enough cattle, family name.........

 

I still beleive her consent is needed it is only an offer, she can reject. Her parents are her guardians and advisors they should respect her decision as she is of age. They should emphasis the islamic values, importance of an islamic family. Qualities of a good husband and the responsiblity of being a good wife. I beleive she will be mature enough to accept her parents choice if the suitor fits in this category.

 

In this case the father may have saved his neck in the day of resurrection marrying her off. But it is adviced to give her education and sound upbringing. Remember the hadith a father who raises 2 daughter with fear of Allah and education and then gives them in marriage Paradise is promised to him.

[Som@li]

thumbs up to the Kuwaiti fellow.

[Blessed]

There's a positive end to this story, but the father clearly broke the Islamic rulings of marriage by marrying her off without her consent.

 

I think it was a blessing that his daughter ended up enjoying her new lifestyle.. But what if the family she married weren't so loving / welcoming?

 

But anyways.. I like the moral of the story, I remember going to this talk many years ago where a shiekh said that it's better to be a badawiyah in paradise than a doctor in hell. That’s the only line that I remember of the whole talk - but basically, sometimes it is better for us to keep it simple as you have lesser temptations in your way.

 

Islam stresses a strong family relationship, thus, a marriage is not the marriage of two individuals only, rather, it represents a new family link to a larger family, just like Data Networks.

I think, the only reason why arranged marriages lost their popularity is due to family break downs. Most Somali parents don't even know what their children study at college - let alone have enough to find a suitable husband for them.

[Buubto]

Asalaamu Aleikum WR WB

In this case I think the father over handled the satiation. Yes it ended happily but he should have asked her approval rather than doing behind her back. As we know the girls approval is important when doing meher. Prance should nogatioate with their daughter / son rather than forcing them.

 

I really do think arranged marriage could be used as positive thing.

 

I do believe most of the times our prance know what is right for us, nothing wrong if they suggest to give a chance to know a brother / sister they nominate for you, without any force, expectation & commitment whatsoever. (as long as their aim is not wealth, tribe & etc) but if their aim is to find u someone who fears Allah, prays, with good personality & ambitious. Why refuse it after all u never know if he/she is ur soul mate. It all depends how the prance handle the satiation, some use force and some do communicate with their kids & understand their perspective. As long as there is communication, close relationship, understanding & trust between the prance and their son / daughter nothing will go wrong.

 

When we look the time of the sahaba’s the father used to look for his daughter a good husband, with her consent after the bride & the groom understand each other they used to get married. Is amazing how in those days girls never objected their father, not because they had no say, but because they had trust in their father & very close relationship. Now days if our father even nominates a bachelor for us, without we even consider the satiation we reject straight away, saying he doesn’t know my type.

 

Subxana laah walaahi is heartbreaking that we r deserved by this so called modern life, we neglected the basic teaching of islam.

• A good relationship between the prance & their kids

• Islamic values

• Biri walideen / ixtiraam waalid

• Fear Allah

Because we lack the above values that is why our divorce rate is high, almost the same as the west. If we considered arranged marriage for the right reasons & based marriage about religion, I think our divorce rate would have being half or less of what it is right now.

[OG_Girl]

Allah Nur don't tell this story to my father bal <---joke.

but come on is illigal in kuwait to make marriage contract with out girl's permission .. .. so this story is fiction brother ... sorry but can't happen in kuwait coz I am Islamic Law student and is illigal in the court ... she atleast should be told front of the sheikh .

 

SAalam

[7_steps_2_Heaven]

toooooooooooo muchhhhhhhhhhhh to readddddddddd!

sorry Nur

[OG_Girl]

caramel kisses .. lazy girl let me sumarize ... damn i am at this summarizing things ...lol

 

he is talking about arrangement marriage and how couples these days don't back to their families I mean the big family ..hmmm then he said marriage not just between 2 people but the whole family engage to each other <-- I think this I added it what else ... yeah yeah he talked about that wealthy Kuwait guy who had this spoiled daughter and he afraid she will be bad so he went to "Badeyah " where people have camels and gave his daughter to the first camel boy and after 3 years he back he found his daughter is happy ..... dammit I am good I told u

 

Now what is ur comments ?

[Reality Check]

If we take Prophet Muhammad's example, he married his some of his wives because of the attraction he felt (ie zaynab) and others because of their intellectual companionship.

 

Back to Nur's story, are you condoning that young girls should be taken on a "little" trip and be forced to marry off a guy? Sometimes I like what you write (that is if I have time or patience to read such long articles) but other times you disguise misogynistic elements into your posts. This one being one of them!

[SomeAlien]

ummm, that story was disturbing. not the outcome but the whole manner in tricking yr daughter into marriage and that being the only way to get her to live decently. it sounds to me her parents did her a huge disfavor by spoiling her and 2) couldve equally or perhaps even in a better way changed her behavior by just taking her to hajj. i hope this is a fake story cause this family (the parents) sound like their a runner up for worst parents in the world. this isnt even a forced marriage, this was more like hit you upside the head with a frying pan, turn off the lights, SURPRISE, YOURE MARRIED!!! type deal. wth? and they dont check up on her, or even what kind of man this camel boy is til 3 years later!?!?!!? this is supposed to be a positive spin on arranged marriages?!!?!

[rudy-Diiriye]

well! the real leason was this! u teach a princess who to be frog! that is the moral of the story! u see her parent will not sent her abroad to do her studies coz their judgement differed!

 

why! sometimes, a person might not be ready for a different atomospher! hence, look at our society! most have of us didnt have the choice that she had! i.e, 2 heads r better than one!

 

so what do we have here! a lot of our folks r dumped in western society and just fizzle or evapourate like the the snow melted by the sun! puff into thin air or at best be marginal!!

 

u see, its not cool to just be there and float in thin the air and take a believe that has entered you head! u have to be original and be your own period! that means when the going gets tough, go back to your roots! coz if u aint got roots, then u know what happens to alot of ppl in the country! i say its the last straw!!

 

r u gonna tell me that being a parent is les valuable that getting phd!! dont we all want badly to have a successful family? :confused:

 

she was exposed to a part life and accomplished that part of her life!! wonder if i we all did that after a decade in this land!!! u tell me!!

 

something i notice in our society lately, we dodge reality!!! dont why! its gonna bite in the butt after all!!!!

[7_steps_2_Heaven]

OG_GIRL sis my second name is lazy...but hey there was alot to read n being the lazy person that I am that was just impossible 4 me. get it ?

 

my comments....hmm...sis I am 110% against the arranged marriages, coz it's just alot of headeche. if a person gets married to person they dont know or simply dislike then deffenetly that relationship wont be healthy. and how can u raise children in that kind of atmosphere? marriage is not only about lying on that bed n BOOM junior needs a name, it's just so much more. marriage is a life time...and you can make the most out of it if u choosed the person, u love them n respect, cherich, for sickness n for health, for richer for poorer till death seperates u.

but with the arrange marriage, i dont think u can have that quality life...u know. also with the arrange marriage, ur parents will interfere and I absolutely hate when people interfere in my personal life...enough of my calaacal.

 

arranged marriages suck big time...u will not be emotionally n mentally stable at least for the 5-10yrs of ur marriage life

 

OG_GIRL u r vedhy goodh summarising (2 thums up)

[OG_Girl]

Welcome to the club girl .

I am lazy too, but heyy let me give u lil cheat sheet, when I was freshman my Professor told me to just read first prgraph and Last pragraph and lil bit between no need to read long artical, hell no not me!.if the writter is smart and good he will put the information he wants usknow in first pragraph and last pragraph . they now there is some people like u and I

 

Let me back about arrangement marriage, boy Nur made things look like barbaric action from stone ages! I agree with arrangement marriage BUT let us have Definition what is arrangement marriage? Well, in my culture is when family member or family friend come to ask girl's hand to marry her from her father, and father say give me 2 weeks to ask my daughter and ask about ur manners, religion from who u work with

(Means lil FBI work)... so after father give his prove, should have girl's prove too.

And for some reason arrangement marriage more successfull than long relationship love before marriage and I did short research and I found that the expectation not that hight from both side when is arrangement marriage BUT those r in long tern relationship they act soo perfect and they expect more perfection after marriage , and more I love u things...lol.. come on life will be too busy after marriage there will be a lot of responsibilties from both sides.

 

hmm I think I am talking too much

 

salam

[Tuujiye]

Nur sxb I realy like your topics but they are always too long to read...but once you start to read is hard to stop..lol..

 

Arranged Marriages ( In this day and age?), is very wrong in my opppinion. why simple, people are not the way they used to be..Before arrange marriage worked because the families raised their kids right lol..But now they think they are raising their kids right and Arrange a marriage between their son or doughter to marry some crack head or some used and abused chick..

 

our people somalian don't have this Idea of arrange marriage but thank god is fading away because we have found out that is not working. It exist in baadiyaha still today but is fading away thank god..A woman and a man should have the freedom to be with who they like not who their parents like because is not their parents that will be sharing a house and a bed with them..Simple as that..

[OG_Girl]

Call me backward girl or what ever BUT parents specially wise father knows what is right for his daughter coz he is man too and knows how men thinks. Plus they have more experieces, why we don't learn them in easy way why learning in hard way and hurt our selvies? I am coward girl and I can't risk at all , I am dad's pet

 

salam