WHY Women put up with so much to appear Happy?

[Ashkira]

Why do we (women) stay in a relationship/ marriage thats not working for us?

We stay for a number of reasons. Some of them are real. Some are perceived. Some are cosmetic. We remain in the home because of the standards built around marriage. We stay because society tells us that he should take care of the children. We stay because a Muslim God-fearing woman should try to make her marriage work. We stay because he makes a lot of money and there's plenty more in the bank. We stay because he makes more money than we do. We stay because our family talked about us for marrying him in the first place. They knew he was no good, but we married him anyway. We can't let them know they were right. We stay because we won't be able to live comfortably ever again. We stay because we'r afraid to live on her own. We stay for too many other reasons that would take pages to write. But we stay. And it's sad that we put up with so much to appear happy.

 

Don't let other people's standards define you. Only you have the ability to make a change in your life. How will the change affect you? I cannot say. I just know, that living by other people's rules hinder a life that can be filled with infinite possibilities. Just live your life.

 

 

 

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Float like a Butterfly, Sting like a Bee.

[Hibo]

Well said Ashkira,

I have seen so many unhappy women who are sooo bored and fed up with the life they have. The sad thing though is that they do not make any effort to improve and change thier lot. No self confidence whatsoever.

Example: One young women came to the US a few years ago with a child. No support or help from the father of the child when they were together in kenya. This hard working woman, managed to find a job, secure a government house and she started taking classess, ESL etc. Then, Mr. Nin proposes marriage, all the maryoleey tell her to get married. She agrees, the woman gets pregnant, the guy says he does not want any children plus he doesn't have maoney for childbirth, so abort!!!!!!!!! The woman was actually contemplating abortion when people informed her that she can deliver the baby even if she doesn't have money for hospital. This is only one of many true stories.

Why do woman make bad decisions time and again? why do they rely on Men? why is marriage glorified when women get the raw end of the deal? are most women air-heads?

 

[Hibo]

metoo, women rely on men because according to our religion he is responsible and he is the head of the family, that does not mean she can not work, but in most cases to raise good children they need full time mother. well who would like to get divorce, so men and women they both try to make their marriage work untill the last minute

[Ashkira]

Metoo & Buubto, you two have a legit points. This superficial smile we put on has been worn out. Marriage is all about sacrificing and patience, yet knowing where to draw the line to say. As sister Buubto put it, Yes men are mainly responsible for the family, that doesn't mean you hand over the ownerhsip of yourself, to the point where they have the power of your life.

Somali Women are bitting more then they can actually chew, they let it build up inside and outbursts at the end when its too little too late, and completely have gone mad. Depression is becoming so widespread among Somali females, this was one of the few uncommon/unrecognized illness in back home, it was onlyl recognized after the schizophrenic stages on the streets, few kicks and chase from kids to grown ups, followed by the infamous word 'Jinoole.' lol don't mean to laugh, But GOD, What a People!! Luckily we'r here in the West where depression is part of their daily lives almost everyone is on anti depresants, if we could only admit we'r depressed and need help (this is again where we put on our superficial look) maybe it wouldn't be so bad to treat it up front. So ladies, does it really worth it loosing our sanity over living up to standards other people set for us?

 

To all of my Nomad brothers, This is not another male bashing topic, rather a wide problem the nomad sisters are facing. Please Feel free to contribute your thoughts.

 

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Float like a Butterfly, Sting like a Bee.

[Buubto]

AShkira

First of all sis u mistaken me to bulo, I guess the “b” confused u lol

 

As for the topic. I don’t think our society really understands what Allah orders us to do. We tend to get confused by the culture & the religion, so ppl think this hazels r all from our beautiful religion. No no that is not, infact if we would have lived Islam to the fullest we wouldn’t be in mess right now. Look the divorce rate is high all this problems is due to lack of knowledge. I would not blame to any particular gender, they both contribute major problems in our society. Men don’t take care their wives, daughters & sisters. Once they get married that is it, they think the girl is their slave they could do whatever their mind cherishes which is wrong. If they would have known how much responsibility they caring in their shoulders they wouldn’t be acting like this. If the husbands would treat their wives exactly as Allah orders them to do so, women wouldn’t use 911 to have freedom. Like our ppl say “dharika maxaa kuleelka ka keenay”. Ppl say nagihii wey kibreen hell with their filthy mouth, they r ignorant can’t they see what she is in? how many women we see raising 4 & ove kids with out a father. Still our culture gives right to the men. Hell with this culture. Is absolutely unfair. I would not say women r innocent & right always no, they do have their negativity side as well, but hey women have soft heart they go to wherever u torn to. So unfortunately our men is being too dump to relies how lucky they r.

 

This entire problem is due to our culture; our culture is designed to a way that convenient to men. How many things we hear “girl can’t do that is not permissible” for example a girl can’t drink shaah, if a girl can’t cook she is ………., a girl must be perfect, girls can’t play sports, girls can’t have too much freedom, girls can’t be educated, women have to obey their husbands even if he mistreating her (subxana laah), widow women with 4 kids can’t get married to another guy, above 35 women can’t get married they expired & etc. for god sake show me the ayah that says a girl can’t do the above things. Subxaana laah. Wallah is crystal clear that our ppl r knowledge less & that is what most effect us if we are women. Alxamdulilah nowadays those problems tend to be fading away us our women becoming educated. But still some of the problems r there. The only thing we could come over it is, if we fight for our rights meaning as long as we fellow what allah asks us & fighting for our rights that Allah gave us.

 

So my sweet sisters don’t put up those crap things, believe in ur self fight for muslim women rights so we can’t make our lifes more appealing & enjoyable. Always know there r nice decent guys up there, so don’t let them discourage u. Girls the only way u could win this fight is to learn ur religion from A to Z so they don't fool u, like they fooled our grandmothers.

 

[This message has been edited by Buubto (edited 03-24-2002).]

[Ashkira]

Buubto, my apologies sister. The b' got my eyes twisted. It was meant to be Buulo.

 

Allah created man and woman, and he gave woman to man to complete him. We'r not equal, and we have different roles. Biibto, thats why baby girls play with dolls and baby boys with trucks. Allah created us differently and we need to accept that, unlike the West where the girl grows up in a society that teaches her from day one that she's the same as a boy in every sense of the world, therefore she should rightly do everything and perfom every task that a man does. When she reaches womanhood, she marries a man, and fails to realize that he's indeed a man. With lack of respect on the part of the wife for her husband, and vice versa, divorce is just around the corner. Nobody is happy and married life is headache.

 

I agree Islam is the only solution to the marital problems, had we lived to Allah's blueprint for a wife submitting to her husband, while At the same time the husband loved his wife precisely, the world would most likely be in utter marital bliss.

Somali women are much more in authority now then they were 60, 40 or 20 years ago. We passed way our grannies era, where women couldn't even drink a Tea. Do you know why? there was a shortage of Sugar, men wanted their Shaax sugary and invented this whole myth about (shaax takes away women's femininty.)

I personally am very independent but I do believe that the woman should be submissive to a Husband that respects/loves her as himself. I would in no way fashion or form be submissive simply because they are male, that is not the intention in my opinion.

The intention is ying & yang. Harmony, pieces fitting together what is good for me is good for you. Male & female relations in any form was never meant to be a task master & servant arrangement.

 

 

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Float like a Butterfly, Sting like a Bee.

[ONKOD]

Ashkira nice topic and good view points I absolutely agree with you, women should have high self steem and not take s#%&* from any man. I know you said you are independent but are you saying that it is O.K for women to be SUBMISSIVE to their husbands?

[Ashkira]

Thanks Onkod. To answer your question, i think whatever is agreed upon in the marriage between the two spouses is submission. The term submissive can be only thought of in the terms of a woman, but it works both ways. Basically, the man is to service his wife also. The submission means that the household works in harmony & everyone is happy with compromise. Each spouse treats the other as they wish to be treated. So this can work in the most modern of households. The submission thing is that spouse & family are #1 on the priority list. This is my opinion, maybe other nomads will have different thoughts on this.

 

 

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Float like a Butterfly, Sting like a Bee.

[Hibo]

I think these "roles" and who was created for what is all in the mind. Let the woman who wants to, play soccer and go to space by all means and let the guy who wants to, cook and keep the house do so. Women are not biologically more capable of doing housework or cooking, nor are men biologically more capable of balancing the checkbook or deciding what is best for the family.

I don't also see the need for "submission". What I see is the need for mutual understanding and cooperation - between the husband and wife, within the family or even within the society.

 

You ladies need to remember tho - you catch more bees with honey than vinegar. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. The most modern woman can do whatever she wants & still perform her wifely responsibilities to her spouse. Marriage is a two way street and a mutual agreement to cherish one another.

 

But maybe I've misunderstood the subject of discussion - if so, please excuse me.

 

[LadyFatima]

I agree with what SoulLady Said!....

[salim]

 

 

i need to mary you me impresed walah.

 

[Hibo]

KIX KIX KIX, Lookz like there are Somalian OPRAH girlz. Me Likez OPRAH book club.

[ARAWEELO]

 

 

Women are treated just the way they want. It is all about self confidence and the courage to move on if you do not get the treatment you deserve. Women stay because they do not think after having few kids they look as good as they were. Perhaps if she leaves he is going to get a younger prettier woman. The truth is if she was in a miserable life then any woman that comes after her would face the same horror, cause he is never going to change so it is all good.```

Some men do not realize what they have until it is gone.

Good Bye

[Hibo]

Hey, I am here again.

 

First and foremost I must thank the sister who started this thread, Ashkira.

 

Secondly, submission to your husband is not dependance but it is a respectful acceptance. Marriage has nothing to do with power and rule, it is not a material gain game, but it is mutuality between two souls who entrusted each other to live for each other without gradges. Most women who call themselves "independent" are totally off-the-truck of understanding whar mutality is, coz all they've seen is material. Only few So-called "independent" woman like ashkira have the brains to difference between respectful acceptance of a partner and independence.

 

[This message has been edited by MrJibriiL (edited 04-02-2002).]

[Hibo]

Arawelo Hanagu Hunqaacin walaal.

 

Women should be RAALIYO period. End of Discussion thats what the Prophet SCW and ALLAH Subhana wa ta'ala encouraged and demanded of women. She should obey her husband through thin or thick.

 

masalama