Dilemma

[Born Friday]

Apologies to Nur, as i have addressed my reply to him when he was only the advisor in this case. Genuine mistake so cafis iyo masamax.

 

As for the people who are blaming the husbands wandering eye on the wife's appearance. I think you lost the whole point here! It doesn't matter what she weighs and what she looks like. He made it clear he does not want to leave her because he likes his life the way it is with her. So there must be something she is doing right..This guy comes off as pretty selfish, he wants to have his cake and eat it. Mr Faarah if you want to ease ur guilty concious and want us "especially us women" to tell you its fine, then you are in a for a disappointment. I will also put blame on the other woman, its an underhanded thing to do to get involved with a married man, especially telling him to basically leave his wife for her. Its just not right people!

[Nur]

Gacalo walaal

 

The Story is real, I am the advisor not the lovelorn victim here, may be you did not read passage well, please read again to see that the letter is addressed to Nur, and that Nur is advising the Faarax, I assure you that I dont have this problem myself.

 

 

Castro

 

How about a fishing trip with buddies during the lady's week off?

 

 

Details of the Faarax

 

Faarax is extremely good person and loyal to his wife, the relationship hit a rock after a problem surfaced between them that its impossible to solve and can not be shared on this forum, Faarax believes he can solve that problem by the next marriage if the Halimo 1, agrees, which she does not, Halimo 1 is more concerned about herself although she aknowledges that she is part of the problem, the price of Divorce with Halimo 1 is very high, and is real risk if Faarax takes the step, Farax is emotionally at a point of no return, the stakes are quite high as the new love is intrasigent also for a polygamous relationship, kids are also pawns for this emotional Disneyland, a divorce will expose the kids to a multiple risks, staying together unhappy for the sake of kids alone is taxing to Faraxs and Halimos mental health.

 

 

e-Nuri Emotional Diagnostics

[Baluug]

I fell in love with another Haliimo , never felt this kind of love, I feel captivated, lost control of my mind

I can not live without the new love

Sounds like this guy just has a crush on this other woman and it will most likely fade away with time. This guy should stay with his first wife. He already has all he needs, as he says "a great wife and a great family". There's no telling if he won't be happy with his new love as he has not shared the life with her, he only sees her sometimes in his social circle.

 

because of the social circle we share, we see each other very often

Time to start drinking tea with the taxi drivers down at Tim Horton's cuz you know there ain't no women in those gatherings!! At least he won't be seing this woman anymore and he won't be developing any crushes on any more women.

[Warrior of Light]

Bro Nur

 

He needs to find inner peace first as whatever choice he takes looks like a no win situation.Even if you give him sound advice.

 

My advice, solitude for a while, pray Salatul Istikhara, increase charity and good deeds and continue to think hard. Somewhere across the lines, he shall find the solution. As Allah says "Ask of me, I am the Helper/Giver/Answerer"

[Rahima]

Abraar,

While I do agree that the intention shouldn't be solely to have him never leave,

It shouldn’t be at all so that he does not leave you. If a man is going to leave me because I don’t dolly myself up, then good riddance to bad rubbish. Do I not have other qualities of worth? And more importantly what kind of a shallow person leaves their spouse because they don’t dolly up or compete for their love and loyalty? This should be a given.

 

I don't see how being conscious of your appearance and looking good for your husband results in anything close to being a sex object or how it would impact ones self-worth I do also believe that you know it's part of the sunnah for the wife to beautify herself and try and please her husband in every way possible just as it is expected of him to reciprocate.

I didn’t say that a woman cannot look good for her husband. In fact I did write:

 

Don’t get me wrong sisters, nothing wrong with looking nice for your husband, but the intention should be so that he can at times see you all dollied up for he likes it, but not so that you can prevent him leaving you or having a bad marriage. Marriages are not ruined because a woman is not sparkling, thin and not in the best dirac.

What I disagree with however is the notion of doing so (i.e. beautifying yourself) so that he does not leave you. That is my point and I already explained that no?

 

Why? Chances are he kept her in the dark about his marital status during the 'xodxodosho period' as many Faarax's do markay naag kale ka daba dhareerayaan iyagoo already xaas leh. Besides, she did the right thing by choosing not to get involved with a married man. So he should be the only one at fault here me thinks.

Seems like you missed it, but Nur did say:

 

social circle we share,

Therefore she knew he was married. Furthermore, she is guilty of building a relationship with a married man, even if not intimate in her mind still any sort of close relationship with a married man is just wrong. That aside, after he expressed his undying love for her, she doesn’t just say I will never ever marry you, she gives a condition- she is not willing to marry a married man.

 

Juxa,

 

i am for empowering women as much as next door halima, however what i said is the truth i was emploring practical solutions on how to limit faarah's wondering eyez.

W/salaam abaayo .

 

That said, why should a sister have to worry that her husbands will end up wondering? If he is going to wander then let him, why would I want someone who I can’t trust to begin with? He should be lowering his gaze as is instructed in our diin and should be loyal so long as i am.

 

all i am saying is naa ha iska seexan, isku dadaal and keep him occupied.

Agreed, but not so that you can keep him occupied or to keep his eyes from wondering but so that he may take pleasure in looking at you physically as you would if he had a nice set of abs . I’m referring to the intention- I hope I make sense.

 

ninka hadii uusan ku rabin, marnaba ma celin kartid,but prevent him having too many opportunities to go and hunt if its possible. if not, let him be, dhib ilaah ma keenin

They are not children sister (although at times i could swear they are ). They are adults and we don’t need to look out for them as we would our children. I would hate to worry about the possibility of my husband straying every time he left the front door. Everywhere he goes he will encounter women, many young and beautiful, if he cannot lower his gaze and control his urges then I don’t want him anyway- like I said good riddance to bad rubbish .

 

Nur,

Whatever advice you tell this Farax, be sure to give him an ear full about lowering his gaze and not mixing too much with the opposite sex.

 

Conclusion: You know what the whole problem is, people don’t follow Islam. If they did none of this would ever happen.

[Nur]

WOL

 

Great advice, he needs to pray, best advice so far, and possibly the only one in his case.

 

 

Rahima

 

you write:

 

Whatever advice you tell this Farax, be sure to give him an ear full about lowering his gaze and not mixing too much with the opposite sex

 

 

e-Nuri Social scientists have identified this problem, we are working on a new piece that addressed uncontrolled gaze, its impact, repercussions. Women, specially the noon Muslims and Non Hijabis are not helping either, and your regular Faaraxs cant keep their gaze down more than 5 seconds, a monumental challenge that calls for no less than unleashing e-Nuri researchers creative solutions, soon to be posted inshAllah time permitting as I am juggling multiple projects that if I succed, will allow me to work fulltime for SOLWEIN ( SOL Somaliwein), Duaa 4 Tawfiiqallah is requested.

 

 

Nur

[Muhammad]

Nur, although I still don't have all the data, & I do understand the reason for withholding that information, never the less I will try and put my thoughts in the oven.

 

My advice is this:

 

The kids should become the center of focus here, and the final answer shall be in their best interst, not that of the Aabe, Hooyo or Aaayo to be.

 

The best hope for the kids is for Hooyo and Aabe to stay together, but I'm missing a crucial info here, so you know better the chance of this result.

 

As for Haliimo II, unless she bends and is willing to accept a polygamous relationship, I would cross her off the equation, she'll thank you in Aakhirah.

 

just get a clear picture of what we are after: SMILING KIDS

 

now add the necessary ingredients and start baking, continue baking, changing the ingredients as wisdom suggests, untill you get the best possible cake, but remember the kids should get the first bite!

 

I believe it is the responseablity of parents to sacrifice for their children, and I am certain that sacrifice can become a great deal of pleasure for both of the parents. so I leave it up to you to bring about that paradigm shift in them aswell.

[Castro]

^ Life is short, saaxib. Follow your heart. The kids will grow up no matter what. Studies show that long term effects of divorce occur only in a minority of children. A far greater damage to children is to grow up in an abusive home devoid of love, compassion and respect between the parents.

 

Just a thought.

[Passion_4_Fashion]

faarax should fast....no room 4 temptations! thats my kumi iyo taano

[Warrior of Light]

^^^Why? He is married has to take permission from wife.

 

 

Castro,

An interesting read, just wondering can it be applicable to Somalis? Why because for approx 27.5yrs these studies have been done, proving that the people were natives and they consider the place home. As for us somali we are situated in different parts of the world, and any time parents can pack their bags n move with their children, without putting the childs psychological needs into consideration. *Well, was just a thought.* Apart from that, do parents (Somali) agree on mutual support esp. the childrens psychological and emotioal wellbeing? Mos tof the time, once divorced, abo never takes the interest to how the children are developing. Or you find Hoyo, acting funny when he does come around to see his children. Think as a community the idea of counselling still seems foreign.

 

I remember reading an article claiming that single parenthood is a leading reason for underage sex. The study was conducted in Britain. I know its a bit off topic, and we will say we are muslim its a Gaalo thing. BUT its a danger calling near home as more Somali families have assimilated to the western culture. More teenage pregancies have been reported among our race. As single parents have less time to be with their children thus left to their own ways.

 

Will try to goggle up the article.

[Warrior of Light]

The article

[Castro]

^ WOL, the study emphasizes involvement in a teenager's life. Even if Faarax were to stay with his family, and not follow the second woman, there is no guarantee he would be any more or less involved with his kids. Awareness of the child's whereabouts, their friends, their activities, their school, their grades, and their spare time is the deterrent to delinquency and pre-adulthood sex. That awareness is difficult for one parent and must be shared.

 

If all Halimo #1 was interested in were the latest dirac fashions and jewelery, Faarax's departure is a moot point. Similarly, if all Faarax did was chew Qaad and hang out with his buddies outside the family home, then his kids would be just as doomed if he were to leave the family for Halimo #2.

 

Reducing this issue to runaway hormones and testosterone is simplistic. The health of the couple's relationship is at issue here. There are major structural changes that need to occur for that family unit to survive. To begin that process of restructuring, the couple must have (satisfactory) answers to the following: does the father work and support the family? Does the mother work? Do they agree on who manages the finances? Do they have inlaws (negatively) interfering in their lives? How old are the children? Is there domestic violence? Is there drug or alcohol abuse? Are there any health issues (mental or physical)? How long have they been married? How many kids do they have? How old is the youngest child? How religious are the parents?

 

Complex issues rarely surender to simple solutions. Clearly, by seeking other females to fulfil a void, Faarax's whims are a symptom of larger problem and a break down that's been going on for months, if not years.

 

If I were Faarax, I'd stay with my family and fix what's broken here instead of building a new house. Good luck to all concerned.

[Castro]

Originally posted by Callypso:

Indicating that biologically women are "meant" to entertain multiple partners as well. Yet no divine acknowledgement to make their lives less burdensome.

Callypso, I've no reference in the Quraan to show aknowledgment. This does not mean it doesn't exist, but merely that I'm unaware of it. Though I do know of this hadeeth:

 

عن †â€Ø£Ø¨ÙŠ هريرة †â€Ù‚ال â€

â€Ø¬Ø§Ø¡ †â€Ø±Ø¬Ù„ †â€Ø¥Ù„Ù‰ رسول الله †â€ØµÙ„Ù‰ الله عليه وسلم †â€Ùقال من أحق الناس بحسن صحابتي قال †â€Ø£Ù…Ùƒ قال ثم من قال ثم أمك قال

 

 

Which roughly translates to:

 

A person came to Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) and said: Who among the people is most deserving my companionship (of a kind treatment from me?) He said: Your mother. He, again, said: Then who (is the next one)? He said: It is your mother (who deserves the best treatment from you). He said: Then who (is the next one)? He (the Holy Prophet) said: It is your mother. He (again) said: Then who? Thereupon he (The Prophet (peace be upon him)) said: It is your father.

 

The roles of males and females are more or less defined when it comes to procreation. Males provide the sperm, females provide the egg and they carry (and care for) the baby for sometime. The 'investment' each has in this transaction is different. Men have little investment and therefore seem to recieve the greater return on that investment when it comes to the offspring. Women put 'a lot' into this transaction and receive about the same level of return. To acknowledge this, I believe, women must have either an easier path to heaven or tougher road to hell. I don't know. I'm no Islamic scholar, but I do acknowledge the existence of the disparity you spoke of. May be someone else could enlighten both of us.

[- Femme -]

I believe, women must have either an easier path to heaven or tougher road to hell. I don't know

I very much doubt it! [Resisting in hijacking this topic]. That doesnt explain why hell is filled mostly with women when the majority of the world's crime and sin are commited by men!

 

venting..no need to answer...continue with topic...

 

Nur,

 

I assumed this was a hypothetical question and now that your saying its real and someone came to you for advice: The best advice I can give you walaal is not to be part of a break-up of a marriage. Do not put yourself in that position for you will never truly know the full story. My kumi iyo taano.

[Castro]

^ Atheer you've already hijacked it, killed the pilot, and now the plane is out of fuel and rapidly descending into earth.

 

I think this needs to be explored further. Femme, I'm just kidding above.