A womans place is her home

[Baashi]

How many of you (women who opined in this thread) have a good understanding of the ins and outs of raising a kid in the West?

 

Put yourself in the shoes of a working mom!

 

Suppose you have a 5 year old daughter and two year old son. At age 5, your daughter will soon start K school. School is 4 miles away and there is bus that will pick her up about 8:15am just outside the house. She will be done at 1:15pm and bus will again pick her up from school and drop at the corner street of your house. No relatives at home. Husband works.

 

You too have to go to work. It is a morning shift. You need to be at your office on 8:30am sharp. You will get off work at 5pm sharp. You live in a big city say Atlanta. Commuting to and from work is an issue and takes time say 40 minutes each way for a normal day.

 

On the TV news you always hear about molested or abused kids in the knidergarden or worst stolen kids by nutcase sexual deviants! This is the environment you live in. You are an educated, responsible mother who puts the best interest of the child before her career.

 

The husband your husband makes a decent bundle. He is no controlling freak! He understands the value of having dual income in his household. He also understands the value of having quality time with the children is much more valuable than the extra income you bring to the plate.

 

It is sunday. He is watching a football game. Vikings is playing against Broncos. it is a big game. You have been thinking about september the month your daughter supposed to start her class. You've been reading the activities involved in her schooling. Parent-teacher conference, friday slot parents are encouraged to volunteer in order to spend time with the kids, play at wednesday evening, this and that.

 

You want the best for your family. Your two years old is lovely kid but he has this temper you think you only understand. Your daughter is very shy and she is so overwhelmed about the thought of being on her own out there in a far away school. The homework especially writing thing is time consuming and you are encouraged to spend enough time so she can get a leg up in first grade!

 

You turned off the TV and start conversing your husband about the conflict of schedule of you two being away working and the kids being at kindergarden! He said you shoudl stay home with kids. Actually he thinks that's the best thing to do.

 

What would your answer be? How would you handle a situation like this? This husband of yours has no problem of you working and bringing an income to home. However he has this philosophy that education and working is a means to an end. He is also big on children. He believes in raising children is a difficult and time consuming activity and parents should have to accept the ascrifices that comes with having kids.

 

You love him. He is not perfect but he is a fair and responsible man. However you went to school for four years. Your friends are competeing with titles. Your best friend wants to go back to school and complete three courses that is left on her Masters degree. Your parents are broud of you. The parental pride they exhibit is overwhelming. They always talk about you. They point out your success when giving advice to their nieces and your younger sisters. Home stay wife is a taboo in your social circle. It is a role your "educated" friends look down upon.

 

So as a reasobale and practical woman how are you going to face this dilemma. Send the kids to Kindergarden first time and go back to work or become a housewife? The latter role is something that has your beloved husband's blessing!

[Valenteenah.]

LoL…very emotive scenario. The only answer your question seeks is ‘Yes, I will stay at home for my kids and flush my career down the toilet’. Hey, parents need to sacrifice for their kids, of course they do, but why should the woman be the only one actually sacrificing anything?

 

Taking your hypothetical scenario,

 

Why is it they didn’t talk about this while they were having their two kids? Isn’t a marriage a partnership? Aside from his salary, what exactly is the dad’s practical input in this situation, other than suggesting she stays home?

 

In terms of schooling, a 5 year old starts school full-time, in the UK at least. That means she will be occupied between 8.30 and 3pm. Most schools also have extended school activities running throughout the year, e.g. breakfast and after-school clubs. My 5 year-old nephew loves going to his after-school and holiday clubs even though they cost money and his mum is a house-mum. He gets to learn and play with his friends. He also loves his teachers (they are quite lovely).

 

Despite the scaremongering that takes place in the media, it’s statistically very unlikely that anything would happen to your kids while they are at school. The important thing, as always, is to find a really good school for your children. Everything else is negotiable. The daughter will eventually gain confidence and settle down once she makes friends, and so will the son once he begins to socialise and play with other kids. Most kids seem to only have a ‘temper’ when their mum is around, and at other times they are perfectly behaved and really pleasant (prolly because they are spoiled). As for homework, both parents can help with that in the evening. It’s probably the only daily time the kids would have with their father anyway (since inta kale uu shaqeeyo ama hurdo *spit*)

 

In terms of work, the job market is a lot more flexible these days. Many employers recognise the need for a work/life balance and offer flexible-working schemes, such as home-working, Job-share, 10-3pm core hours, flexi-time, increased unpaid leave…etc. There are some benefits for fathers as well, although not as many as for mothers. For example, our assistant director works from home on Mondays and goes home early on Fridays to look after his daughter. There is no reason why a woman should not work, not when she can look after her kids with the support of her husband.

 

There are also so many other options out there; finding work closer to your home, moving closer to your work or a really good school, husband reducing his hours and/or doing his share of child-care, getting a full-time nanny…etc. Even if you want to or have to stay at home, there’s no reason why you can’t keep working. Many women opt to start up their own businesses from home while their children are young.

 

And why not? Why should you throw away everything you have worked for when you can have your cake and damn well eat it too?

 

A reasonable and practical woman does the best for her family and herself . Unnecessary self-sacrifice isn't very useful.

[Baashi]

Yaa valenteenah look home stay mom is not a lifetime commitment. I have a hunch that many assume that is the case with home stay moms. Not true! When kids hit the magic number many stay home mom find something useful to do be business-related or community related work. This much has to be said at the outset.

 

You also seem to be equating woman who has left paid workforce to take care for their family to woman who wasted their talents for something less-fulfilling or something that is not worth the sacrifice! Not true! With stable and functioning family, this is perhaps most fullfilling time for many women.

 

Likewise you seem to be of the opinion that father is not doing his part if stay home mom accept that role. Not true! Assuming he is responsible and fair man, he is probably working his behind off to provide for his family and the same time helping her raising kids. You just have to realize that the best interest of the child is to spend “quality time†with mom at least in early childhood years! Fathers can help but they can not replace mothers

 

Now it seems to me that you put “paid work†on a pedestal and a high one at that! Paid work is an economic necessity for many. Not a spiritual one! What that means is if one can get by without paid 8-5 work shift it is all better. There are activities that home stay mom might choose to pursue (given she has enough spare time) such as community work, teaching, writing, home-based business, and what not! Paid work is overrated qallanjo.

 

Finally let me say this much to you: I know you are big on your career or paid workforce. Evidently that’s priority to you! Understood! But it is high opportune for you to at least concede to the premise that home stay mother is a natural and fulfilling role for women. By women I do mean educated and sophisticated women that are contributing to their community in so many ways. It might not work for you but this is a role that works for many many women.

[ElPunto]

^Interesting back and forth Baashi and Valenteenah. Valenteenah - I wonder whether you are prepared to concede that, notwithstanding the sensible scenario you presented - the duties of taking care of and raising children are many times more rewarding and valuable for both the individual parent and society at large than a career. Of course, not all women are clones who should be forced into such a role especially if they can balance things as your scenario suggested. However, and this is in general - what bothers me is the vogue for debasing and slighting motherhood and all that it entails for the wondrous world of work. It is a totally inverted way of thinking.

[Valenteenah.]

The Point: Motherhood is much much more than being confined to a house. It is also not directly in conflict with the 'wondrous world of work', not if you're smart. Inverted thinking is assuming one negates the other.

 

 

Originally posted by Baashi:

Yaa valenteenah look home stay mom is not a lifetime commitment. I have a hunch that many assume that is the case with home stay moms. Not true! When kids hit the magic number many stay home mom find something useful to do be business-related or community related work. This much has to be said at the outset.

 

You also seem to be equating woman who has left

paid workforce

to take care for their family to woman who wasted their talents for something less-fulfilling or something that is not worth the sacrifice! Not true! With stable and functioning family, this is perhaps most fullfilling time for many women.

 

Likewise you seem to be of the opinion that father is not doing his part if stay home mom accept that role. Not true! Assuming he is responsible and fair man, he is probably working his behind off to provide for his family and the same time helping her raising kids. You just have to realize that the best interest of the child is to spend “quality time†with mom at least in early childhood years! Fathers can help but they can not replace mothers

 

**Now it seems to me that you put “paid work†on a pedestal and a high one at that! Paid work is an economic necessity for many. Not a spiritual one! What that means is if one can get by without paid 8-5 work shift it is all better. There are activities that home stay mom might choose to pursue (given she has enough spare time) such as community work, teaching, writing, home-based business, and what not! Paid work is overrated qallanjo.

Baashi, please don't flip the coin on me. I didn't make any assumptions that you didn't present in your souped up, emotional-blackmail-masquerading-as-a-case-study post.

 

Unless I have it wrong, you painted the picture of a married couple with two young kids. You presented the mother as a well-educated and fairly high flying career woman. You listed out a number of problems and obstacles facing them (well her really, but I won't split hairs) in terms of their children's schooling, child-care and quality time. You presented the only possible solution as the woman quitting her job and staying at home full-time.

 

My response was completely in line with this scenario. I listed out possible alternatives to giving up work completely, choices in schooling, options for working more smartly..etc..etc. I didn't explicitly mention that 'work' had to be paid employment. That was implicit in your post and therefore in mine too.

 

 

What you didn't do was mention the father's input in this case (if there is any at all), the other possible options that are available to the woman, whether or not she would be able to maintain her career and skills while at home, whether she could find another source of income and how long she would be staying at home for.

 

Now if you had touched on any of these in your previous post, I would have taken them into consideration. I'm not a mind reader, so the fault isn't really mine, it's yours. Your next misty piece should pack more emotional hand-wringing power.

 

 

Finally let me say this much to you:

**I know you are big on your career or paid workforce. Evidently that’s priority to you! Understood! But it is high opportune for you to at least concede to the premise that home stay mother is a natural and fulfilling role for women. By women I do mean educated and sophisticated women that are contributing to their community in so many ways. It might not work for you but this is a role that works for many many women.

But you see staying at home isn't natural or fulfulling for all women. Your mistake is assuming that it should be. However, as you stated, there are many women who find pleasure in being a homemaker and regard it as an ambition. Your post was not targeted at those types of women though. It was specifically targetting working women with established careers who are resistant to becoming full-time housewives.

 

 

 

 

 

**: I have chosen to ignore some of the more personal remarks you made, as I don't believe you have the necessary information to reach such conclusions.

[Baashi]

^ Reading too much into the posts eh!

 

Blackmail? Emotional? Why do I have the feeling that you are getting bit defensive for no apparent reason?

 

Back to the topic. You’ve asked what the input of the father is in this hypothetical scenario. The father’s input is to provide for his family and help out his wife with the kids when he is not away working his behind off. By “input†if you meant stay home dad that would sent his woman out to perform paid work for someone else then you are right that kind of “input†is not an option.

 

You have also listed a plethora of alternatives that “high fly†girls could choose in order to avoid this sort of dilemma. Although these alternatives exist on paper in reality few companies are willing to put them into practice. And in the unlikely event they extend these discretionary benefits, they only offer to their senior and key personnel. So yes that alternative is theoretically there but rarely are they that generous.

 

In any case if and when mothers have an opportunity that would allow them to prioritize their parental obligation over their professional demands (when in conflict) or better strike balance between the two they will gladly take advantage of the situation. However the majority of the cases that’s not simply the case. That’s why feminists in the states are still in a war footing against the establishment over what they term persistent “gender†discrimination in the workplace.

 

As to the differences in schooling or what not between the states and the UK well this scenario assumes that the hypothetical family lives and works in the states. In the states kids @ age 4 to 6 can only spend half day in school. For first graders (late 6 to early 7) they start full time schooling! But that’s neither here nor there.

 

Nannies are practical choice open to working mothers. The thing with taking that route though is that not many Muslim families are comfortable with idea of subcontracting their parental obligation to third party for the sake of advancing their careers notwithstanding with shortcomings and deficiencies associated with childcare centers. Statistically speaking most mothers would prefer to spend quality time with kids if the employers give them that choice. That tells me the real reasons most working mothers “drop off†their kids at childcare centers is not that they want to advance their “career†but rather it is for economic reasons.

 

Finally it’s rather self-evident the natural affinity any child has with his/her mother at early years. This is what makes the mother’s role in raising kid all more important.

[Valenteenah.]

Reading too much into the posts eh!

LoL…perhaps it’s the way you write?

 

 

I have to say, I’m really interested in finding out why some men feel the need to confine working women to the home. I mean, one can hardly assume that professionally-employed mums are endemic in our society since the majority of women are housewives (for whatever reason). Yet the few women who choose to work and have a career are seen as a problem by Somali men. Er, why? Why should a woman choosing to work through motherhood bother a man if he can find plenty of women who will be happy to stay at home or he already has a housewife?

 

Just a recurring thought. I don't expect an answer.

[Che -Guevara]

^^^It doesn't bother all Somali men. Infact, I think if majority of Muslim nations utilize their women folk's skills, these societies would have been in better position today. Confining half of your nation's creative and curious minds to the home only hinder progress. At the same though, one needs to balance work with the home life as kids need our attention. This is where couple needs to find working solution.

 

P.S I was watching this program on TV while back where subject was about ivy league educated women with high paying jobs that opted to stay at home with their kids. These women that could have been future leaders(CEOs, Senators,Governers,etc), but choose to cut their careers short. It is unfortunate, but I guess it is all about choices.

[Didi Kong]

Originally posted by Baashi:

Back to the topic. You’ve asked what the input of the father is in this hypothetical scenario. The father’s input is to provide for his family and help out his wife with the kids when he is not away working his behind off. By “input†if you meant stay home dad that would sent his woman out to perform paid work for someone else then you are right that kind of “input†is not an option.

It should be an option in the event that she makes more than he does. In that way he could be the 'wind beneath her wings'. So loving and supportive.

[Baashi]

^right

 

Valenteenah,

 

You said you always wonder about “why some men feel the need to confine working women to the home? And why should a woman choosing to work through motherhood bother a man if he can find plenty of women who will be happy to stay at home or he already has a housewife?â€

 

That’s some recurring thoughts! I’m sure you would love to hear the answer to these recurring questions of yours. Well they don’t feel the need to confine working women to the home. They want the best for their family. That’s all! They want their kids to spend more time and quality time at that with their mother especially the critical years of their development. They are responsible men who look out for their family. Paid work or career however you termed is not that a big a deal in their book.

 

They want to alleviate the stress and demands that come with being a mom and employee with responsibilities (deadlines, deliverables and what not). It ain’t easy to effectively shoulder both tasks. They know what the workplace is like especially professional kind and the mental drain that comes with the high paying jobs. Confine doesn’t do justice the goodwill these men have toward their families dear. That is the wrong word in this context.

 

And NO they are not bothered by the fact that their wife is adding income to the family burse. That’s a plus. It is a shortcut to the road to financial freedom! However they want to prioritize. They think that choices we make in life have consequences. They are of the opinion that if the couple is ready to have a kid they should be really ready to what they wishes for it ain’t anyone’s cup of tea.

 

Moving on…why these men who advocate that women with kids have a duty to put their children in numero uno on their priority list (second to none) want to marry educated and sophisticated wife cuz they want a good, practical, religious, reasonable, intelligent, skillful, resourceful, and dependable partner in this hectic journey we call life.

 

Some men take nomadic wisdom Dhashaadu mar bay hiili kaaga baahan yihiin, waa markaad hooyadood guursaneyso to the heart. If you die or become disabled you know deep down that your seeds would at least have a dependable mother that can help them through the difficult times ahead of them.

 

Still have recurring thoughts qallanjo? Why do I have the feeling that you associate housewife with negative connotation?

[Legend of Zu]

^^^ Waar Bashiyoow...Fitra Ilaahiyah unbaa marka danbe soo xaluulan..ee bal u kaadiyoow..arag halka ay Valenteenah ku danbayso kolkay aduunyada ku soo biiriso laba yaroo sidii aabahood u dhego fiiq fiiqan!!

 

Cheers

[Nephissa]

^ So tell me Zu, wouldn't you stay at home and play Mr. Mom if your wife made more $$ then you? Hypothetically speaking ofcourse.

[Legend of Zu]

Hypothetically speaking I earn more than her..so am not fronted by such issues.

 

Cheers

[Nephissa]

^hmmm ok, let me rephrase it, under which conditions would u like to be a stay at home dad?

[CATNAT]

what better life is there for a woman, wife and mother than to fluff her nest and nurture her family? this lifestyle is the natural inclination of the female nature because it is so emotionally rewarding. i believe that family should come first.