Insure Your Husband

[Castro]

^ Even more issues I didn't think of. Patience is asked of women, indeed, more than it is asked of men. It's as if men are naturally impatient. I can accept naturally more horny but impatient? Please. It's the lamest excuse in the book.

 

eNuri, come out, come out wherever you are.

[Valenteenah.]

Excellent post Amelia. Both you and Sheh have made an effort to inform, however, I don't see any changes forthcoming from the good sheikh. I suspect the Poly stick will continue to be wagged to infinity.

 

Perhaps, the single faaraxs should group together and look out for their interests, before all the brilliant single xaliimos are snapped up by the Polys. *Smirks*

[-Lily-]

A good read Amelia. About time we see it from another perspective. Especially the absent fathers issue, how sad that Somali communities will soon be just as the African American/Carribean communites in regard to absent fathers when back home fathers were the heros and pride of their families.

[xiinfaniin]

Falxadoy, you got an A+ for this one. You really did. With a measured tone, a content of genuine concern, and a superb delivery you’ve met all the benchmarks. Yours is not a rejection of polygamy but a plea for moderation. Without impeaching bro Nur’s integrity you (as a customer of some of his product) made your wishes known for him and his project. Your priorities are valid. If I were debating with you in this thread, I would promptly concede a point or two. In fact I share some of your concerns. I would not sacrifice my family’s stability for ‘a new flesh.’ It is the peak of irresponsibility to do that, especially if children involved.

 

Having said all that I don’t really think that the good brother meant to imply that. It’s getting late where I live and I can’t commence digging eNuri archives but I am sure that bro Nur addressed a lot of other prominent issues that’s highlighted here, and for that I wished people would give his dues.

 

And ugu danbayn, minyaro is tempting and you know it is. Don’t blame me if I couldn’t walk the talk as it requires ragannimo siyaado ah .

 

P.S: bro Nurow I await your nice comebacks. Do one of your tricks to disperse this crowd.

[-Serenity-]

Xiin, stop patronizing me with your grades and get to work on the ‘nice comeback’. It is you who I’m addressing (and slightly hoping to save from the e-nuri ship wreck).

 

Make sure its not titled ‘it’s a girl’ and if you must, appropriately title it ‘look, another one to cook bariis’.

 

Thanks.

[xiinfaniin]

^^Patronizing or not you still have some valid points. But the real winner in this debate is eNuri Soft Wano. The looser is the reactionary lot who habitually dwell in past grievances.I have a third eye, so to speak, that sees what you can’t see. I see the efforts of eNuri and its intent to educate, and raise awareness about certain issues. Though I don’t expect this site to be an amen-corner for Nur’s message I still like people to competently disagree and pen their difference without lowering the bar of the debate. And yes I am one of those who really appreciate these efforts. I deeply believe that Nur is doing a work that we all neglected to do. When most of us come to this medium to debate trivial issues or simply have a chat, the good brother brings a much needed dimension in to our discourse. He brings dacwah. He addresses and tackles issues that are very sensitive and controversial. And more importantly he reminds us our maker in a very creative way. While some of us are appreciative, some are not. That’s fine too. But some immaturely decided to stalk the good sheikh and, in effect, interrupt his message in an uncivilized manner. That’s where Xiin and his protect-Nur talk are coming from. I never hid my religious inclination, and as long eNuri continues to function on these boards it is one more incentive for me stay around. I guess that should not surprise any one .

 

As for your virtual dual, I don’t know what to make of it. Ma inaan gabyaad rabtaa !

You see good sister, in the final analyses polygamy, as I said before, is a Muslim tradition that needs to be revived. The fact that it’s unpopular among female folks is indisputable and it is quite natural for a woman to resist it. And I don’t think that you’re suggesting to us to forget this prophetic tradition to fix your mere inconveniences. If you said that it need be practiced responsibly you are correct. If you said its negative impact need be lessened you are correct. If you pointed out that it supposed to be a social solution and not a man’s sexual satisfaction means, again you are correct. That’s why I gave an A+ (remember). So the concerns were legitimate but it is a world different from the summery dismissal that some nomads resorted to. And that’s after I ignored feminine feelings and other emotional injections.

 

As for the nice comeback, I would rather have good Nur take care of that .

[Nur]

Nomads

 

MashAllah, May Allah bless you all, great responses:

 

 

Amelia has restored my hope on our Somali women, this was the kind of well structured, objective dialogue I was bargaining for, I must also say that Castro has made very thoughtful balanced points which will enrich the eNuri readers to get a full perspective on a complex issue like this which was the original objective of this eNuri thread.

 

Now, Amelia sis, are you engaged, married ? the entire eNuri staff were moved by your last post, and I am sure that a lotts of Faaraxs who are not getting thier cents worth of reasoning are taking note, too bad the likes of you is too few on this forum.

 

Now lets get goin sis,

 

Bismillah wa bihi nasatcin.

 

You write:

 

 

Polygamy isn't a problem by itself. and it may even be a positive experience for many families (note the word 'families', polygamy isn't just about the man's happiness or satisfaction when he comes to the fabled "crossroads of options" as some would have us believe).

 

Answer:

 

I am relieved, the first wise statement of the week, now lets disect the frog. I also like your "families" concept, mashAllah, its not about an orgy as has been labeled by other Xalimos, its a mapping of conflicting requirements on a "Family" world, that best fits all stake holders conflicting requirements:

 

Stakeholder..........................................................Requirement

 

Allah..........................................................Establishment of Xudud of Allah ( Observing His Law)

 

Wife..........................................................Love, Faith, Appreciative Caring Partner, Security, Kids, Happiness,

Husband.........................................................Love, Respectful Partner, Faith, Advisor, Pampering (its a jungle out there), Kids

Kids..........................................................Love, Caring, Faith, Fun, to see parents happy together.

Community..........................................................Stablity of family, Responsibility, positive participation in community work.

 

Now proper alignment of each stakeholders requirement with others is a many to many relationship, connecting all the lines is a dilemma, specially as some stakeholders requirements change with time, our role as debators is to maximize the connecting lines even if we have to sacrifice a requirement or two, here and there, no matter how important it may be to a single stakeholder if it fits the bigger picture better.

 

 

You Write:

 

The problem resides in the Somali man's use of polygamy. Contrary to Nur's assertion that polygamy is the solution to numerous unnamed societal ills, polygamy for Somalis is the societal ill. It's the cause of family break-downs, long-standing sibling rivalry and feuds, absentee fathers and most unforgivably the demise of fatherhood as a concept and reality. Nur’s posts absolve the blame of the man - completely. He is here to tell the women – put up or shut up.

 

Answer:

 

I agree wholeheartedly that Somali men have abused the institution, its an eNuri task to restore the trust of our Somali women again, and for that reason, the thread was posted, when we have examined all sides of the problem, all stakeholders requirements aligned according to what pleases Allah, only then, we have succeeded. Sibling rivalry is the result of transferred rivalry between mothers, working on their relationship can translate to a more loving siblings, the mothers rivalry may have been created in part by the husbands lack of evenhanded treatment or favoritism, in addition to the inherent nature of Xalimo of (All-or None) tendency.

 

 

Timeline of Faraxs statements:

 

During engagement

 

" honey, you are the sunshine of my exisitence and the moon of my nights, you are my life, I want you to know that nothing will come bewteen us two!"

 

 

Just Before wedding:

 

"Alhamdulillah, my life is now complete, I finally got what I always prayed for, inshallah, the rest of my efforts will be devoted to Allah, my wife and family"

 

Wedding Night:

 

"I am grateful to Allah for giving me your precious hand in marriage, I dont think I can thank Allah as he deserves"

 

 

Honeymoon

 

" If it wasnt for you, life would be unbearable"

 

During Life as usual Marriage

 

"Honey, I am too busy, gotta run for a meeting, will be away to Garasbaalley, sorry, cant attend the graduation party of our daughter, or the parent teacher meeting of lil Anarchist, we need money, so off to Nairobi and London I go for aa news start-up biz"

 

 

If you notice, the best time for communications in Faarax and Xalimos marriage, it is just before the marriage, once married, true colors of both parties emerge, Faarax has oversold himself to Halimo, and Xalimo has reciprocated by polishing her image beyound reality, she ignored many signals of his character during courtship hoping she will change him, and he likewise, ignored some of his requirements due to falling in love, as she captivated him with her golden silence that whispers like Monalisa, Once the marriage is built on false impressions, both parties wake up one day to the reality that Faarax after all is not as caring, understanding, good listener, who loves children, a family man, who enjoys partisipating his wives social functions and who spends time with his kids to help them with their faith. This Faarax, once cornered and is accounted for his shortcomings at home, becomes defensive, his macho masculinity is under attack, by a smart Halimo, he cant humble himself to accept criticisim, so he becomes depressed, he begins to shun her, he seeks happiness in yet another marriage, BINGO! Xaliimo , now has doubled her displeasure unwittingly. Has she alwys been clear with him on all issues? has has he been transparent with her as problems progressed? NO, BIG NO.

 

You write:

 

Almost everybody here knows of at least a few families and children where there's no father figure. Others have themselves hardly ever seen their dads even if they had the fortune to meet them. Are these not societal ills? How is polygamy going to provide a solution for these when it is the cause of them?

 

 

Answer:

 

We are loosing proper analytic method here, the fatherless family has many drivers, such as bad husbands, bad wives, bad circumstances that divides the family, when Faarax is in Nairobi financially broke after spending all his money to haul his family to safetyland in Tennesee, when he frequents the Teashop of another Xalimo in Eastleigh Nairobi, who cares for him as he seems too nice to be lonely a guy. This Faarax soon finds himself with another set of kids, and no income to support, now, who he is gonna call? Yes, the Xaliimo is also suffering this lonliness, but at least she finds consoling from her kids, she can ask for divorce rightfully, but from who? a husband who paid the last penny to save their lives? who risked everything he had for the wellbeing of his kids and wife, who suddenly due to be being oceans apart, and no possibility for reunion, ends up in the arms of another Xalimo in Nairobi who would never hoped to find a decent farrax like this, a clean Faarax, an injured lion in bad times.

 

You write:

 

With marriage, and polygamy, comes a huge responsibility. If one is advocating for multiple marriages, they should also be addressing the conditions, restrictions and consequences of undertaking the extra responsibilities.

 

 

Answer:

 

eNuri and company is of the opinion that many men get into polygamy for the wrong reasons, if applied right, Polygamy is a hell for a man, a heaven for a woman, the reason it is the way is because most men dont compensate for the other side of the equation when daydreaming, Farax forget that Poly is not only doubling a pleasure, its also doubling up of responsibilitities, to Allah, kids, and Mother-in-laws, the more one reflects on its a merits in terms of Xuduud, the more it calls for monogamy, unless of course you are dedicated to an eNuri cause of sacrificing your life to improve otrhers lives.( Like the Candle light, that burns itself to enlighten others)

 

In a polygamy marriage, both sets of familiies expect equal and impartial treatment, and attention, , add to the Xalimos human side of jealosy and attempt to to derail the other side of balance, which calls for a Faarax to be a Judge, a policeman and a traffic light all at once. The qustion, is can only Faarax make this isntitution work ? or does it takes a village? Somaliaonline Village?

 

You write:

 

 

Another major problem with Nur's take on this topic, is evident in his glib way of marginalising the wife's rights in polygamy. Nur only ever looks at this topic from the husband's point of view – his fulfilment, his needs, his happiness, and his options.

 

Answer:

 

By now, I am sure that you notice that I did pay attention to the others side, the reason i didnt before is that no Xalimo came forward with a constructive dialogue like yours. Halimos happiness is also an eNuri objective, in addition to the Kids, Farax and allahs Xuduud.

 

 

You write:

 

 

What about HER? The dutiful wife, remember? What about her fulfilment? Her needs? Her happiness? Her options? Why are they not mentioned? Are they not worth considering?

 

 

Answer:

 

We have agreed to look and weigh all stakeholders fulfillments, not only Faarax nor Xalimo, Alah is also a stakeholder, He wants that his law is upheld, that no one is disadvantaged by others unduly, each and everyone must follow the law, and if all of them follow the law of Allah, then if a person in the marriage is not pleased, then that is unjustified, but its important that no person should transgress or be unjust to the other, justice is defined by Allah and both should strive in finding it together, and once found they should hear and obey.

 

Marriage is an institution erected for the celebration of life, its the infrstructure built for new arrivals to life, its should be well planned, as to give new life, the right purpose and direction, Marriage should never be viewed as a picnic by men, nor a taming of a husband by a woman, rather it should be seen as an association for upholding Allahs Xuduud ( Law), Its advised that Faarax closely axamine the effect of a polygomous adventure, if he doesnt know what he is getting into, he shouldnt at all, its no OJT (On The Job Training) opportunity.

 

 

You write;

 

The only advice Nur seems to have for sisters, is to become strong-willed and accept being in a multiple marriage for the sake of Allah, which is all well and good, but it makes one wonder why such advice isn’t offered to the married men that are being actively encouraged to seek new flesh?

 

 

Answer:

 

eNuri believes that most Faarax need a Polygamy Driving Course, ( Similar to a Drving Course given to offfending drivers to restore their licences) in which they will view footings of failures, runaway kids, migraine headaches and problems, after which only those who can stomach to sacrifice their life for others can take the step forward. eNuri believes that women are wonderful creatures of Allah, specially the Somali Species, to some Faaraxs one may not be enough, but in practice, a Xalimo can be one too many if there is no harmony and synergy of purpose before getting into marriage. Thus, unless a Faarax has a the nerves and genetics that we need to multiply to make up for fallen Nomads, no Faarax should try it at home, it is only for TV ( Somaliaonline Monitors)

 

You write;

 

 

Should sabr only be for women? And is unhappiness and pain only acceptable for women?

 

Answer:

 

No, its should be a shared thing, men also have their pain that women do not understand, just like men fail to understand womens pain, it takes each one to wear others shoes to walk a mile, just to see what its like being a Faarax or a Xalimo, mutual respect can be earned that way. A Joke I received was about a man who rediculed his wife for just sitting at home and doing nothing, the man was transformed to be a woman for one day, he had to prepare breakfast, send kids to school, grocery shopping, bank, laundary, cook meals, pick up kids from school, clean the house, garden, tutor her kids, prepare dinner, clean dishes, hit the bed, then hubby needs a lil lovin, OH NO!, he wishes to be transformed back to be a man, but hw was told he has to wait 9 months, he got pregnant!

 

 

You write;

 

Nur's relentless posts on polygamy, his chosen method of delivery as well as his utter lack of empathy and consideration for the position and feelings of the wife can only have a negative impact on females.

 

 

Answer:

 

At eNuri, we admit that we disturb status quo, or conventional wisdom, like Prophet Abraham we break idols, and show that they shouldnt be accepted, our posts can touch a nerve for many, but at the end, we expand the horizons of possibilities, we refuse to conform for the sake of unearthing possibilities, after all we have chosen our style to bring the best of Nomads, and in your case eNuri belives we have suuceeded as your post will be read in many Somali households, to give a balanced point of view to that of other Faaraxs, but wait, the fun is just beginning, our job is to align all above stakeholders requirements matched, and then converge on a practical conclusuion. We shall Call It The Amelia- eNuri-Somaliaonline Manifesto on Polygamy just to show the world that Somali men and women can discuss, be objective, then agree on a consensus.

 

Once we have mapped the solution, Somaliaonline will take the honor in publishing the findings online for many Nomads to benefit, and you and I get the rewrad from Allah in helping shape the solution, working hard and not earning hasanaat is no good way to spend life, or whatever is left of it.

 

 

You write:

 

Maybe he should give his next polygamy-vehicle bit more thought.

 

 

Answer:

 

I usually do sis, but a frisbee game requires two to play, dont drop the ball on me.

 

 

Nur

[Khalaf]

Asslaamu Alakium,

 

Sorry to get off topic:

 

Now, Amelia sis, are you engaged, married ? the entire eNuri staff were moved by your last post, and I am sure that a lotts of Faaraxs who are not getting thier cents worth of reasoning are taking note, too bad the likes of you is too few on this forum.

 

Indeed mashaAllah, the sister displayed elegance, dignity, and won the admiration of this brother too So I did little digging, and I was disappointed by her comment:

 

^ I'm single but I'm not interested in Somali men. I fancy chinese. Can I still register and trust you will help me find my indhayar soul mate?

source

 

So love has anything changed in the last year?

[Valenteenah.]

The looser is the reactionary lot who habitually dwell in past grievances.

My mother is fond of saying that if one expects an audience with an Organ Grinder, they should first ready themselves for a reception with one of his monkeys.

 

Xiin, perhaps you could be good enough to grow some balls and name names, so the individuals you are indirectly accusing can have a chance to respond to your gushing diatribe?

 

Thank you.

[-Serenity-]

Xiin,

 

But the real winner in this debate is eNuri Soft Wano. The looser is the reactionary lot who habitually dwell in past grievances.I have a third eye, so to speak, that sees what you can’t see. I see the efforts of eNuri and its intent to educate, and raise awareness about certain issues. Though I don’t expect this site to be an amen-corner for Nur’s message I still like people to competently disagree and pen their difference without lowering the bar of the debate. And yes I am one of those who really appreciate these efforts. I deeply believe that Nur is doing a work that we all neglected to do. When most of us come to this medium to debate trivial issues or simply have a chat, the good brother brings a much needed dimension in to our discourse. He brings dacwah. He addresses and tackles issues that are very sensitive and controversial. And more importantly he reminds us our maker in a very creative way. While some of us are appreciative, some are not. That’s fine too. But some immaturely decided to stalk the good sheikh and, in effect, interrupt his message in an uncivilized manner.

Grades, winners, losers…Yaa kaa dhigey the arbitrator of this thread? It seems to me, you and the other self-appointed guardians of Nur are the ones who ‘habitually dwell in past grievances’ without giving each topic its own merit and pointing out the obvious negative aspects of his dacwah (if we can loosely use that term to describe this post). 90% of Nur’s topics (mainly in the Islamic section) run smooth with enough JZK and thank yous... so he can hardly complain about being tailed by an Anti-Nur-Alliance (ANA ). However, when Nur approaches women-specific issues, he tends to be one-dimensional or unduly hard on the sisters. As a result, he expectedly gets like/harsh responses.

 

Bro Nur,

 

All that is wrong with your perspective on the issue and these constant re-runs of polygamy have been said. I hope you take them all into consideration before the next big idea of how to sing the same song and probably in the same tune, hits you.

 

But if you want my suggestions on how you can turn things around, here goes some ‘nice’ topics you can choose to write on next:

 

1) Monogamy – The ideal family lifestyle.

2) Polygamy – How Somalis abuse it.

3) Sacrificing for your family’s well being - The male perspective.

 

G’luck.

 

AbdulNoor, . Nah, I still fancy myself an indhayar man. Heh.

[Rahima]

1) Monogamy – The ideal family lifestyle.

2) Polygamy – How Somalis abuse it.

3) Sacrificing for your family’s well being - The male perspective.

Excellent suggestions.

 

Br.Nur, I’m sure you know I’m a fan, but these types of topics brother should be over. Amelia has expressed all that is wrong with polygamy in our culture, about time that you started to address that which needs addressing- the problems which arise. Namely topics above.

[Castro]

Hate him or love him, Nur is doing something most of us are either unwilling or unable to do. And for that, he demands our respect and admiration. He may not always be right but he's a righteous nomad.

[Nur]

Amelia sis

 

The saying goes, " when i do right no one remembers, when I do wrong no one forgives" being wrong doesnt worry me much, cuz we can always learn and correct our mistakes, what worries me most sister is, when we are right, know we are right, yet let the wrong thing continue, now that is scarry, Allah SWT says: O you who believe, why say things you wouldnt do, it angers Allah most that you say things you wouldnt do"

 

In my last post that i responded to your well thought out post , point by point, i took the time to address the topic in a deservingly detailed manner, my goal was for you and me to come to an agreement of sorts, after sorting out and ironing out wrinkles, perhabs, that way, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. So could you please address the main stakeholders requirements issue, how we can please all of them INCLUSSIVELY, that is the best fit solution for all of them TOGETHER?

 

I like the threee topics, InshAllah if you help me out, i shall work on lampooning the three topics, if I get enough time, i could probably create Kitchen-wall quality posts, that will earn eNuri back the respect of my astranged Xalimo family.

 

 

Rahima sis

 

You know, you are an eNuri Hall Of Fame FAN? you were given first FAN Award for posting the first ever topic that appeared on Islaam.com, Roadway To Paradise, on Somalinet, and then some more on Somaliaonline, when you speak eNuri Listens! inshAllah, your virtual company will not let you down, and that goes for your entire gender.

 

 

Castro bro.

 

JZK kjheiran for the benefit of doubt, positive thinking begets positive results, its called management by love, and in the case of sisters addressing eNuri with harsh statements, we call it tough love, or like the Aarabs say, Darbal Xabiib mithla aklal zabiib. I also expect your contribution on requirement alignment brother, how can all stakeholders map their needs in such a marriage?

 

 

Nur

[-Serenity-]

An agreement on polygamy? That might hurt my reputation.

 

Last night before sleeping, I thought about the different scenarios I would find polygamy acceptable or even an agreeable solution, after all, it’s a provision provided by Allah. I come up with a dime a dozen cases. Polygamy isn’t something I’m actually exposed to in my immediate families (just opposed to for some weird reason ) and positively in the few cases I’ve come across. So its hard for me to see the positive as opposed to the negative consequences of such. This might need a bit research and time to put together objectively. I’m in the process of finishing my last project for this year in school… so I’A I’ll reply next week.

[xiinfaniin]

Originally posted by Amelia:

It seems to me,

you

and the other self-appointed guardians of Nur

are the ones who ‘habitually dwell in past grievances’ without giving each topic its own merit

and pointing out the obvious negative aspects of his dacwah....

That’s very cheap…since when have you decided that Xiin is the spoiler of SOL topics? I have been away, and I could not respond promptly but it’s unbecoming of you to hang your head in the public square and disappoint the gallery.

 

All I wanted to do, and succeeded doing to a degree was to steer this topic to a more productive direction. It pleases me that the topic has grandfathered useful and more constructive threads. That’s how is supposed to be.