A woman's tale of Woe

[J.Lee]

I am going to give a Fair warning here...the story you are about to read is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for the weak stomached man who truly has no clue what it takes to be a woman...this is a CLASSIC example of the trials and tribulations of being a woman in these modern times!

 

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

 

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

 

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

 

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my [precious baby factory ] and stretching down to the inside of my [derriere ] (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

 

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

 

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

 

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

 

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

 

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

 

Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. [Precious baby factory ]? Sealed shut! [Derriere]?? Sealed shut!

 

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to [“flatulate?â€]. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

 

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

 

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

 

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.

"So, my [derriere] and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

 

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

 

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

 

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

 

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

 

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

 

Next week I'm going to try hair color...

 

 

By The only-Earth Mama.

[Rowda]

sis you made my day walaahi fortunatelly I'm hairless like ugly cat but the every 3months eyebrow waxing is more than I could bear. I feel your pain, it sucks to be women sometimes doesn't it?

[sheherazade]

Ahaha, bl**dy hilarious. U need to tell us more of your stories. Promise? If I'm ever in Seattle, I want to have coffee with you. I have a feeling we'd be snorting it out of our noses. More..

[Cara.]

I knew I was gonna regret clicking that thread title, but I couldn't stop reading even after I got cross-eyed with sympathetic pain.

 

Why didn't you use the blow dryer on the affected region, Wordette? If the heat melted the wax the 1st time...

 

Plus you'd have a nicely coiffed nether region...

[sheherazade]

or a frizz. Stop y'all. We'll scare the men. Bwahahaha.

[-Serenity-]

 

Wordette, that was seriously funny. I could almost picture the whole scene. Sitting under the bath-tub with hot water running reminds of that scene in S&TC where Samantha was trying to her groove back. hahaha.

 

No pain. No gain.

[J.Lee]

Oh! Ladies you spoil me. As much as I would love to take credit, I didn't write it. A friend of mine e-mailed it to me. She thought it reminded her of a story I once told her .

 

I just tweaked [inject: Edited] some words to suite SOL's somewhat conservative (Not a bad thing!) and older members.

[Castro]

Originally posted by Rowda:

I feel your pain, it sucks to be women sometimes doesn't it?

Really? You should try being a man. It sucks all the time.

 

A question to you all, do you go through this much pain because you like the end result or you feel others (segsi Faaraxs with a toothpick in their mouths) will like it? Personally, anything that hurts so bad is probably not worth going through just for looks. But what do I know.

[Katrina]

Wordette, thank you for a wonderful ending to my long day. Unfortunately, all of us are not as blessed as hairless Rowda.

[Katrina]

If tv. wasn't rated. I could see Elane from Seinfield playing the role fabulously. Ofcourse, Kramer would walk in just as she trys to locate the spot. lol

[Legend of Zu]

^^^ LoL..Seinfield said " I dont understand how women can take the waxing and yet scream by the mere sight of a spider" or something along those lines!..hehehe

 

As for the lady in the tale...OUCH!!!...OUCH!!

I just couldn't imagine what I would have done if ..ehm..ehm.er'..was glued!!..the mere thought makes me cringe...shivers

 

Cheers

[Simply_I]

Wordette Subxaanallah

you should be ashamed of describing such things as a women.

AAway Cusbadii?

[Valenteenah.]

*Giggles*

 

Someone forwarded that email to me sometime ago, and I laughed so hard I almost threw up. The poor woman.

[sheherazade]

hoho, still a good one, Wordette. Funnier if it were u and yr long legs.

 

Simply_, shall we leave it to the men to describe it?

 

Castro, pain to look good for somebody else is a total no-no for me.

[J.Lee]

Long Legs? I think I like you Sheh, scary as it is.

 

 

Simply I : Why should I be ashamed?

 

Cusbo? *chortles* I see you have found a less painful way to go about this necessary procedure. Tell me, I beg of you; does it work as well as hot wax?