NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

[Faheema.]

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

 

By Basil Fawlty Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England

 

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

 

Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

 

Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

 

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

 

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

 

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -

 

Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task #1.

 

We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American "football".

 

There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.

 

Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive

Day".

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol price(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due backdated to 1776).

 

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular.

 

Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

 

[MR ORGILAQE]

Looooooooooooooooooooooooool!!!!

 

 

I love it I love it about time we pacified the US and all the other colonies but primarily the US

The only thing missing was to abolish the congress and what was the other one aah yes the Senate, instead give them the house of Lords(junior) and the house of commons(junior) both house will be overuled by the upper houses of commons and lords, as they see fit.

 

Lovely jubbly!!!

[QUANTUM LEAP]

Hilarious ......

 

There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware

that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to

play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like

nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable

to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.

[N.O.R.F]

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

:cool:

[Nin-Yaaban]

they need to abolish the amrikaan congress. its dominated by corporates and special interests. i dont know any other country where special interests dominate a country's political structure so much that if you try to run for office and you dont say you LOVE isreali you will not win. i think the reason bush won again is because of Jewish special interests, and jewish owned media that spread propoganda. i even heard that most congress people are required to visit israeli to show how much they love the jewish state. i have never seen this much asss kissing anywhere else.

[Gabbal]

Is it more are the United States residents ignoring this otherwise comical thread

[Xoogsade]

I don't like aristocratic societies and King/Queen bs, So America rules Once the brittish get rid of the Monarchy, They can talk about Americans. But as long as snobs are yelling "Long live the Queen", It is gonna be Where is "My American accent", "American Car", "American written Books(simple and fun to read btw), And not to forget "American Movies" LOL.

[MR ORGILAQE]

don't like aristocratic societies and King/Queen bs, So America rules Once the brittish get rid of the Monarchy, They can talk about Americans. But as long as snobs are yelling "Long live the Queen", It is gonna be Where is "My American accent", "American Car", "American written Books(simple and fun to read btw), And not to forget "American Movies" LOL.

 

 

The beautiful thing about being British is that We dont have to prove to the world that We are GREAT.It is guranteed so we are comfortable with our Britishness.you hardly see anyone yelling God Save the Queen.In fact we made a puppet show about the queen.We dont go around waving flags just to prove our Patriotism nor do we have to make laws Like the Patriot act.Our forces dont have to become heavy handed to show the world they are pros.We are pros,our patriotism is guranteed so is our loyalty why? it is because it wasnt shoved down our throats!.Movies you said Ha! what movies you mean those shallow movies without substance!.The only thing Hollywood is good at is special effects!.Every good movie that Hollywood ever made was either directed by or starred by in key roles British actors,directors,playrighters.No wonder you dont find Us actors doing Broadway because there are no stuntmen and women

 

Secondly when you look at the special efefcts they are mostly British.All the descent long established companies in the world are British.History well dont even go there baby US.We made you that is enough!!!

[QUANTUM LEAP]

Hmm well to tell you the truth we even created the internet...what is more popular than that huh?

[MR ORGILAQE]

Hmm well to tell you the truth we even created the internet...what is more popular than that huh?

 

 

Not to mention Computers

The first in the world having been built at Bletchley park during WW2

 

It is still display at the meuseam if one wishes to see.

We made jet engines,trains,steel ships,The home of the Entire industrial revolution in the world,had the largest empire in the world history,the most cosmopolitan country around,came up and still do with the best medical surgeries,medicines in the world.discovered DNA

Gave you lot your language,Introduced the current parlimentary systems most of the world uses.

The most travelled people in the world second to Somalis of course!.And before you start claimimg that you cptured the Enigma machine on account of that movie Dont! enigma was not only captured by the Royal Navy submarines but also decoded and used to plan the DDay invasiosn without the US ever knowing what the source was Bletchley park..I love playing them around

 

and please dont say"have a nice :mad: :mad: :mad: day" :mad: :mad:

[General Duke]

We invented the English language, whats more popular than that....

[MR ORGILAQE]

that left them toungue tied!!! haaaaaa heeeehaaa hooooo

[Nationalist]

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

Yes indeed! How on earth can we be mistaken with those stiff, boring lads on that miserably cold island?

[Xoogsade]

A list of American Inventions

 

 

FM Radio(there would be no been been sii)

Steam Engine

Transistor

Plastic(imagine without plastic)

Telephone(do I need to mention the importance)

Gramaphone

Pacemaker(for hearts)

Browning Rifle(oops)

Analog Computer

Nylon

Air Conditioner

Peanut Products

Colt Revolver

Locomotive

Airplanes

Motorcycle

Tractor

Vaccume Tube

Pencil

Dry Plate Photography

Light Bulb

Steamboat

Model T (Car)

Lightning Rod

Rockets & Liquid Fuel

Vulcanized Rubber

Ice Machine

Submarine

Artificial Heart

Desktop Computer

Automobile Air Conditioner

Polaroid Camera

Bolometer, Early Airplane

Polygraph

Gas Mask

Atomic Bomb

Elevator Brakes

Coca-Cola

Cash Register

Polio Vaccine

Helicopters

Sewing Machine

Alternating Current (AC)

Scientific Method of Assembly

Rotary Engine

Electrometer

Open Heart Surgery

Railway Telegraphy Stations

Airplane

Locks

Electron Microscope

[Xoogsade]

To read About African American Inventors and their invention, click on this link:

 

http://www.princeton.edu/~mcbrown/display/inventor_list.html