Transitional Organization

[lol]

In almost every corner of the cyber world it has become an expected fact to be faced with topics of the same nature, “Why is divorce rate increasing in Somali society?†So I have done a bit of observation and research so this is what I came up with as possible reasons…

 

Somali Women’s Role:

 

Before the detrimental civil war Somali women used to be stay at home wife and mother (with the exception of few of course but the majority counts yes ). Her submission to her husband and her house came to her naturally. She never questioned her husband’s role in the house coz it was widely believed that, “guriga naagta ayaa heystaâ€. Now she came to a world where the men and women play exactly the same role and their division of labor is of equal magnitude. The cultural shock is and was to most of Somalis destructive. The reason being, no one actually took the time to explain to the Somali women why their roles were as such. Why she was told to be submissive to her husband? No one ever explained to her, the reasons behind every behavior. Was it cultural was it Islamic? Was it for her protection or was it for oppression?

 

Coming to the west put a burden she was not trained to coop with. She found herself stranded in a land where everything she was thought is defied. And the absence of solid conception of Islam and the Somali culture, added to the unlimited problems faced in our community.

 

Somali Men’s Role:

 

Prior to the war, Somali men’s role in the family was just to provide their daily bread. He was not expected to change diapers or give his wife any moral supports. After day’s work he ate his lunch, took a nap and headed for the cafeteria to play cards or talk politics. His house was managed and run by his wife. His attention was rarely needed in disciplining his children. Most it took for the child to be disciplined was, “Haye aabahaa ayaa laguu sheegaayaaâ€. That did it.

 

But in the west, the cultural shock he was faced with made him to act and address it completely in an opposite manner to his wife. He refused to adapt or even slightly change to the alien environment so as to smoothen his transitional period. His conception of the west is just, “Waxey rabaan in ay na gaaleeyaanâ€. As a result he clinches to the habits and ways he lived back in Somalia. His expectations of his wife don’t change with the environment rather they escalate.

 

Somali Communities’ Role:

 

It took the whole village to bring a child up. That has been our ever valued, upheld tradition. The neighbors and the strangers passing through the neighborhood took an active role in disciplining the child. This tradition has vanished from the minds of the Somali community mainly because, the children have become westernized. They would call the police and the well wisher ends up in jail. So the role of the strangers or the neighbors has therefore been eliminated, thus leaving all the disciplining to the mother & father.

 

Problems:

 

1. Absence of communication

2. Men are not willing to change to play a better role in the running of their homes and shaping the future of their children.

3. Women have found a way to live their lives without husbands ( Thanks to welfare system)

4. Misinterpretation of independence by women, and lack of activity by men

 

Possible Solution:

 

I think from my point of view we need centers called, “Transition to the western world†that prepares families for the cultural shock as well as equips them with skills required to survive the hardships while still retaining the values they inherited from the ancestors.

 

I think there should be workshops designed specifically for women, another for just men and one in which they r joint. I believe the disruption we now see in the Somali homes will be minimized.

 

What do you guys think? You think initiation of such an organization would do good?

[Haddad]

Originally posted by Hibo:

He was not expected to change diapers or give his wife any moral supports.

He was not expected to change diapers, because his role in the family didn't require it, as each one in the family had unique responsibilities. That doesn't mean he didn't provide help when there was a need for help, like when no one was there to help and the wife was sick or pregnant. I don't know what you mean by moral supports, but a Somali husband did provide any needed support towards his wife.

 

His attention was rarely needed in disciplining his children.

Maybe this applies to a few families you have observed firsthand, but I have observed otherwise. Most families had a father who was present most of the time, only few families had a traveling father. A father did discipline his children. Your personal observation cannot even apply to 5% of Somali husbands.

 

we need centers called, “Transition to the western world†that prepares families for the cultural shock as well as equips them with skills required to survive the hardships while still retaining the values they inherited from the ancestors.

This isn't a bad idea, but it's not practical, as it requires resources and personal sacrifices. What's more, you have to understand this is only meant for temporary solution, because this is a hostile environment for Muslims. It's not practical for Muslims to make this environment a permanent home.

[- Femme -]

Those are relevant points Hibo, might I just add that some of it probably has to do with the changing family structure & function in the Diaspora. Back home in the olden days, when spouses were experiencing critical marital problems and undergoing constant conflicts within the family that might ultimately result in a divorce, the whole extended family played a vital part in the outcome. Both the wife and husband consulted direclty with various family members, relatives, and 'elders' who gave them advice and tried to help them solve the problem at hand. Each person’s opinion was taken, respected, and the interests of each were sought after. Right now, the move from Somalia has spread members of families all over the world and thus people tend to depend less on their extended families when it comes to making major choices, decisions, and judgments.

 

3. Women have found a way to live their lives without husbands ( Thanks to welfare system)

I strongly disagree with you on this. I’m not sure that it was your intention, but it comes off (to me anyway) as if your implying that it is the women's choice to end up single mothers! And for what? A check that barely passes the poverty rate? Where I am...I know women who single-handedly head families of 4-6 without the aid of their absentee husbands: not a choice per say, but a situation that fell on them. They had to either deal with it or watch their families suffer the consequences. I appauld these women for their efforts...when their husbands' only contribution to the family, it seems is dropping in once a year to impregnate them. :rolleyes: (Not a generalization...a small population of men .)

 

As for your idea of the workshops...I suppose it might help somewhat in the short-term. But I am a little skeptical though.

[lol]

Haddad:

 

He was not expected to change diapers, because his role in the family didn't require it, as each one in the family had unique responsibilities. That doesn't mean he didn't provide help when there was a need for help, like when no one was there to help and the wife was sick or pregnant.

Im assuming you come from a family like mine, coz seriously my dad is a father I am yet to see in a Somali society. Im not just saying that coz he is my father but his devotion and dedication of his time and efforts to his children is a rarely amenity among somalis.

 

Thre are some fathers, and I say some, who are active participants in their families' matters, but the painful truth still remains that the majority are not.

 

Tell me the father you have seen who helps his wife, when she is sick or pregnant? I went to somalia walaalkiis and wat I saw there was worst than wat I saw in the West.. Thank you very much. Imagine this.

 

It was ramadan and the wife of Saciid is 8 months pregnant. She doesn't fast of course, but her husband does. She makes Iftar (afur) for him and cooks the Suhur for him. Sacid wakes his wife up when the time for Suhur comes so that she would warm it for him and bring it to him..

 

I have seen this first hand walalo, so don't try to convince me that Somali men do help their wives. Anything that has to do with running the house chores by any man is considered a taboo or ceeb. Tell me now how do u expect that woman who used to tolerate all of that because she was dependent on her husband's earnings, as well as living upto the expectations of the society of a wife feels when she is given a chance to live her life the way she feels is fair coz she is in a society where divorce is acceptable.And she is liberated of the dependency on her husband's income to survive.

 

Maybe this applies to a few families you have observed firsthand, but I have observed otherwise. Most families had a father who was present most of the time, only few families had a traveling father. A father did discipline his children. Your personal observation cannot even apply to 5% of Somali husbands.

The presence of a father in the house doesn't make any difference if he isn't active walaalkiis. Yes most families do have fathers living with them, yet he rarely partakes any role in his family. He is only present to give orders and expect his wife and his children to obey them.

 

Am sure if u looked a bit harder and more objectively than u would really see where I am coming from. I am not a foreigner out to criticize ur community walaalkiis.. am as much a Somali as u r... and this is an issue that is alarmingly increasing by the day, and needs to be given more serious and thorough examination or else Somalis as we know them shall vanish.

[lol]

Dreamer: I agree that we should be proud of the women who have managed to run their families smoothly as a single parent, given the fact that most of them are not educated or equipped with skills to survive in the west.

 

And it wasn't my implication to say that they opted for such a life rather the misunderstanding and lack of cooperation between her husband and herself, mostly led to the separation as we see it today..

 

But does that give the father a reason to move from the same city or completely jack himself out of his children's lives? Not being with the mother of his children doesn't mean he shouldn't play a role in his children's lives. That is wat I have been observing sis (My assumption is u r a sis.. if u a bro no offense intended). They automatically aloof themselves of anything including their children that connects them to their exs.

[Haddad]

Originally posted by Hibo:

Tell me the father you have seen who helps his wife, when she is sick or pregnant? I went to somalia walaalkiis and wat I saw there was worst than wat I saw in the West..

Like I said, it doesn't mean he didn't provide help when there was a need for help. Emphasis: when there was a need for help. Most Somali families live with extended family members, some playing the role of father/mother figure. A substantial families also have maids who help. There's no shortage of someone who helps the family. That's not to say there're no husbands who don't help when there was a need for help, and they represent the exception like the one you saw.

[lol]

Hadaad:

 

I think u r one of those Somalis who live in make belief worlds, with the assumption that we are not the way we are. I am sorry bro.. but a father's or husband's role is mandatory not one that is based on need. U kept on emphasizing that its based on need.. and I beg to differ. My observations is based on reality and I don't intend to throw a blind eye or a deaf ear on it.

 

So accept it brotha, Somali men are not doing their job well.

[Caveman]

Hibo,..

Your post is loaded with accusatory connotations towards Somali men. You expect the readers of this post to came to a reasonable conclusion in solving the marital problem in the Somali community, yet you managed to erase what ever valid points to support your argument when you claimed “Somali men are not doing their jobâ€.

 

Just like you raised an example of Somali man not helping with home choirs while the wife is pregnant, I or other’s can do the same and give you countless examples of Somali women’s lack of perceived indifference into western values to that of Somali wife. Its one thing to share or exchange ideas that concern such importance of family breakdowns, but its whole different matter asking for solution while pointing fingers.

[lol]

Cave: If u read my first post I wasn't pointing fingers rather making fair judgment. But our brotha Hadaa has given my initial post a twist and hence the finger pointing. But I still support my arguements that both sides are guilty and we need to think of bringing in a third party, and since the parents and the elderly folks aren't around to do so, maybe an expert Somali team that helps married couple in adaptation while still retaining their values.

[CHE]

If I may dutch in,the entire misgiving can be reduced to:

 

 

Problem : Patriarchal society(male dominance) Vs Somali women entuned to Oprah.

 

Solution: re-structure and re-prioritize family values.Encourage male commitment in the household and develop congenial enviroment.

 

Hibo,

 

Opinion : Such organisation might help provide general guidance in family affairs,but doubt if it would actually provide answers to specific marital problems.

[Animal Farm]

I think Somali community centers are trying to provide such services and they are even holding conferences and discussion groups. It takes more than an organization to reestablish the ideal family structure. I don’t know what an organization can do to change this. Maybe the organization can start a campaign to spread the message through posters, pamphlets and website with resources and information for Somali families.