NGONGE Posted December 13, 2004 December 13, 2004 This whole sorry business . . . Cherry Potter Saying it is hard to do, but an honest, hearfelt public apology can transform us THE MEDIA are growing restless about “this apology disease that’s sweeping the countryâ€. What with Boris being told to apologise to the people of Liverpool and the Queen having to say sorry to the Germans for the bombing of Dresden; to the Maoris, the Aborigines and the Irish Catholics for all the bad things we did to them in colonial times — except the potato famine, for which Tony Blair has already apologised. And now, to cap it all, she’s told to say sorry for what Britain did in the slave trade. What is the point saying sorry for events that happened ages ago? Isn’t all this apologising getting mawkish and, worse still, phoney? What’s so interesting about this niggardly response to these big public apologies is how the media reaction almost exactly mirrors the uncomfortable feelings many of us have as individuals when we know we are expected to apologise. Irrespective of whether or not the apology is justified, obstinacy grabs hold of us. We just don’t want to say those three little words. What is it about apologising that has such an emotional power? I hated being told to say I was sorry when I was a child. I would do anything — sulk in my room, refuse to eat, run away from home — rather than apologise. But finally, fed-up with self-imposed exile and the effort of hating everybody, I would creep downstairs, my face burning with humiliation and spit out “I’m sorryâ€. Suddenly everyone was smiling. They felt better, I felt better and home didn’t feel such a bad place after all. For adults, the whole sorry business of saying sorry often makes us even more obstinate. Many of us can cite a relationship in our private or work life when someone did us wrong and never said they were sorry. Without an apology there can be no reconciliation, no forgiveness and no healing. Yet surely there are some wrongs that are so heinous nothing can make amends? The problem with this is the corrosive effect on all concerned. We secretly despise people who make us feel guilty and we long for vengeance against those who have wronged us. In no time we become locked into an endless cycle of vendettas. To see what a bloody mess we get into, just look at Shakespeare’s revenge tragedies, or the behaviour of the Mafia in The Godfather, or the horrific family honour killing that occurs in some parts of the Muslim world. Darwin observed that the rules about responsibility and blame were not the same across cultures. He suggested that there were “conscience cultures†and “shame culturesâ€. Western “conscience cultures†place greater emphasis on the primacy of the individual’s conscience, while Eastern “shame cultures†have a more collectivist ethos, placing paramount importance on the honour of the group and the imperative to avoid being shamed in others’ eyes. A Japanese apology must display meekness, submissiveness and humility. For the British and Americans an apology must communicate sincerity. This is why, when President Clinton apologised for his affair with Monica Lewinski, we were all glued to the TV scrutinising every nose scratch for signs that he didn’t really mean it. Some years ago I had dinner with the director of the Beijing Film Academy and his colleague, the head of film history. They told me that during the Chinese Cultural Revolution the director of the academy, a zealous young Red Guard, had forced the film historian at gunpoint to work as a slave labourer in the fields. So how come they were now working happily together? They both burst out laughing. When the Cultural Revolution ended, the Red Guards and their victims were told to forgive each other, preventing the vendettas that would otherwise tear the country apart. These two genial men made it all seem so simple. According to Professor Aaron Lazare, the author of On Apology: “All true apologies are a kind of offering intended to restore the dignity and self-respect of the offended party.†It’s not financial compensation that the victims of disasters such as the Ladbrooke Grove rail crash want, it’s an apology, which also serves as an admission of responsibility. Only this can provide the closure to enable them to move on. A model public apology was the address to the Native American People made by Kevin Gover, the US Assistant Secretary of Indian Affairs: “And so today I stand before you as the leader of an institution that in the past has committed acts so terrible that they infect, diminish, and destroy the lives of Indian people decades later, generations later . . . When we think of these misdeeds and their tragic consequences, our hearts break . . . We desperately wish that we could change this history, but of course we cannot. On behalf of the Bureau of Indian Affairs, I extend this formal apology to Indian people for the historical conduct of this agency.†Not only is this apology almost unbearably moving, it is also remarkable in its acknowledgement that “terrible acts†continue to diminish lives even many generations later. Finally, although sincerity and empathy are wonderful attributes, I wonder if they really are the crucial elements that enable an apology to transform a situation. I am thinking of myself as that reluctant child who apologised with such bad grace. There wasn’t much sincerity in my apology. I was too suffused with the shame and humiliation of having to say I was sorry to empathise with my victims. It was the transformative effect of the apology that was so magical. Like removing a blockage, which allows stagnant water to run clear again, it’s the apology itself that enables us to feel empathy and compassion and things such as liking other people and even liking ourselves. Copyright 2004 Times Newspapers Ltd. This service is provided on Times Newspapers' standard Terms and Conditions . Please read our Privacy Policy . To inquire about a licence to reproduce material from The Times, visit the Syndication website . I read this article on my way to work this morning and it got me to think about the word “Sorry†and the different way it applies to different cultures. How would it apply to us Somalis? Would a “sorry†by our heroic warlords do the trick for example? Do we ever take notice of apologies? Times On Line Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
checkmate Posted December 13, 2004 ^^it honestly is an interesting issue to ponder upon. As far as i remember or should i say somali history goes, somalians were NOT known for apologizing in a form of words, but in a form of giving conpensations to the violated party. But then again it's very hard for a person to apologize, when they think they have done NO wrong... asxantu Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
juba Posted December 14, 2004 thats something i never thought about! i believe sorry is an underated word they way some people spit it around. Apoligising is what keeps humans civilized and sane. imagine a world without remorse and apoligy! everyone would be looking for revenge. "how would it apply to us somalis" in our culture i believe its something very important. But i notice that for some somalis the word "sorry" is a hard word to say. Some are so proud and believe they are so right that it is beyond them to be humble. "do we ever take notice of apologise" i believe as a whole people don't because its used so much without a thought. You bump someone in the street,"oh i'm sorry"... its almost something expected from us as humans. its almost instinct. it is in this way that the word comes out without feeling or seems insincere Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gediid Posted December 14, 2004 Dude thats so UnSomalilike.Sorry is by far one of the least used words in our vocab almost to the point where it might end up becoming extinct.The only way I think I could accept an apology from the warlords or for that matter an apology from the remnants of the old government is if they all came forward with their crimes and then committed haro-kiri in a public square or somewhere for all to see.Now that would be an APOLOGY.Inta kale BEEN. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Alle-ubaahne Posted December 14, 2004 Gediid, What did you mean 'our vocabulary'? I think most Somalis, including me, say 'iga raali ahow' even when there is no problem. I don't think that is anywhat hard to say, but rather its our culture to say iga raali ahow while the damage requires more than iga raali ahow. Anyway, as an expert of Somali culture, Iga Raali Ahow is a big word that the well-meaning somalis use purposefuly when there is a real problem at hand. That is what I believe after long observations. what you thinking? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Passion_4_Fashion Posted December 14, 2004 Aniga qaasatan aad bey igu adag tahay in aan quf ku dhaho "i'm sorry"....ma garanayo sababta, maybe waa isla qab weyni nimada (inkastey dambi tahay). Wexey ku xiran tahay aan umaleenaa qufka aad ku dheheysit(makaa yar yahay, mafacaabaa) iyo xaalada keen tay in sorry la isku dhaho. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
- Femme - Posted December 14, 2004 "Im sorry" is a phrase that has been overused and has lost its meaning and value. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
-Nomadique- Posted December 15, 2004 ^^^^^Not neccesarily. In Australia the public is still wants an apology by our Prime Minister to the Aboriginal People. Many see it as an integral step towards reconciliation. The word SORRY has become so politicised that is now regarded as the reconcilation slogan. Just my two cents. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
