Reflection on parenting...

[Gaasira]

Last evening my brother and I sat with my nieces and nephew reminiscing about our mother (who’s in Somalia) and our childhood. We often tell them stories of how we grew up to counteract some of the negative images they see in the media about Africa. This evening, the topic was about discipline and the rather simple but effective methods my mother used to mold our characters. She did not believe much in the virtues of beating; yelling was contrary to her character. By the time my brother and I were born, she was exhausted from the many years of toil and childbirth/loss. Her methods of discipline, then, had to be a little bit more creative. There was the occasional threat of “Haddaan kuu soo istaago…†but she never really had to get up because my brothers and I were sufficiently intimidated by her ‘look’ alone and knew that she would carry out whatever threat she issued if we did not desist from further mischief.

 

The ‘look’ was my mother’s fiercest weapon. Every situation had its particular ‘look’ and we were well-versed in its meaning: there was the look for misbehaving in front of guests; one asking for food and refreshments for the guests; yet another for lingering too long in the presence of guests. Then there were looks for sitting improperly, eating too fast, and speaking out of turn. The ‘look’ in itself was not a punishment but rather a warning. My mother did not believe in reprimanding us in front other people, so the ‘look’ was her way of correcting our behavior without embarrassing us.

 

The ‘look’ was effective in most situations and almost always worked on us. But, being children, we would soon forget and embark on yet another mischief. Some of these she was content to address as they occurred. However, there were others, which fell into the realm of vice, which required moral lessons. For these, she turned to stories.

 

My mother, like others of her generation, was (still is) an avid storyteller.

Growing up, I have heard every episode of Cigaal Shiidaad, Dhagdheer, Arraweelo, and Wiil Waal, among others. When one of us did something that displeased her during the day, the story related that night would reflect the moral lesson she wanted to impart. To this end, stories about gluttony, greed, and laziness became a recurring theme. My brother is fond of recounting how he would be so engrossed in a story only to find out at the end that he had behaved as badly as the protagonist! These stories had a deep impact on us. To this day, I feel tremendous sense of guilt if I stay in bed too long (her words, ‘maxaa ku seexiyey, miyaad jiran tahay?’ and the proverb ‘ninkii seexdaa sacii dibi dhal’ still ring in my ears).

 

Having lost a lot of children (after they were born), she had a profound understanding of the fragility of the parent-child relationship, and so she never took it for granted. In this manner, she was unique. She once related a story to me of how so grief-stricken she was after burying yet another child, unable to walk away from the burial grounds. Her brother, in an effort to give her courage to walk, scolded her for grieving for something that did “not†belong to her (literally saying ‘Ilmahan Ilaah baa leh, adigu ma lihid’. She also had an amazing trust in us. Having done what she could, she never doubted or questioned our actions. As adults, when people tried to relay some negative story about us she would respond, in her calm, gentle way, “ilmahaygii ayaan kaa waraystay, haddii aadan wax wanaagsan iiga sheegayn, waxba ha ii sheegin.†The onus was on us to show ourselves worthy of that trust.

 

Observing Somali parents, I have come to the conclusion that living in exile has adversely affected the way we parent. This is understandable given the many challenges our people are facing as refugees. The next generation of parents, however, needs to do better. We will have to find a creative way of combining what was good and wholesome in our Somali culture and the very best the Western and other cultures have to offer. I share my own upbringing with you because I believe it contains some simple but universal truths. If we want our children to be kind, polite, responsible, etc., we have to reflect these attributes ourselves. The result may not always be perfect, but at least we can have the comfort of knowing that we have done our very best.

 

On a side note- I am not a parent, but I’ve earned the right to delve into these issues because, like many other Somalis, I have helped raise children- from the diaper stage to adulthood- and yes, I have the annual ‘Mother’s Day’ card to proof it.

[Mombasa_QUEEN]

lol sis the words you just use was true like these one Haddaan kuu soo istaago men my mom would use that word more than 20times a day and she will give us the looks when she has her friends over and when they live holly shyt you knw wt's gon happen but hey it was fun when we was young and also if we dint get spanked or got some whooping we wount be good gurls.

[Baashi]

Many thanks Gaarisa for sharing that with us. I have to share this with the nomads. My father had a way of getting his way with us without resorting to violence. He didn’t have that much of formal education except civil servant training from colonial days. Looking back at my early childhood upbringing, I’m awed by his parenting skills wallahi. He knew what we liked or disliked. Back then; it was customary for the families with meager income to do the shopping for the kids twice a year (the two Islamic holidays or ciid). In our house, each of us would get something in the early morning of the ciid. However, the rest of the year if we want extra fancy stuff and ask him to buy it for us, he would say no most of the time but occasionally he would say yes only if we do such and such.

 

Every Friday my father would wake up late in the morning and he would ask my grandmother which one of us behaved well in that week. She would tell him the truth and say hebel. He would give whoever won the blessing of ayeeyo 7 cents (good enough to buy bajiyo, jallaato, xanjo buufis, caano baraawe etc. at the time). Whoever scores high in his class or finishes jus Qur’an early on before other kids, would get shilling, qallin biire, and surweel luungo. That person would be taken to dalxiiska waamo which is a sort of zoo and restaurant combo at the outskirt of the town plus that person would go with dad to watch the Kismayo soccer tournament (the best thing any kid in Kismayo could wish for).

 

Rewarding kids (promises must be kept once made) and simply denying activities is much more effective than punishing.

[Gaasira]

Mombasa_QUEEN (note that I’ve maintained the emphasis on the queen…)- for some reason il-gubidda was something practically all Somali mothers used (you’d think they all graduated from the same school!). It would be interesting to know how far back it goes. Corporal punishment may work when used sparingly, but I am not convinced of its long-term usefulness. Obviously it worked on you since you can laugh about it. Just don’t try it yourself if you’re in North America cuz those little brats will report you at their school.

 

Baashi- in the psychology of learning field, your father’s method of discipline (rewarding good behaviour) is known as Positive Reinforcement. Your father was psychologist who did not document his experiments. One of the things that were most alienating about higher education in a western institution (for my Somali friends and I in the social sciences) was that there was no room for knowledge passed through oral traditions. If something was not written, then it had no value and could not be used as a source.

 

A whiff of nostalgia passed through me at the mention of Bajiye, Caana baraawe and xanjo buufis . My girlfriends and I were very economical and environmentally conscious in the way we recycled our xanjo buufis . After chewing for practically half the day we would neatly stick the used xanjo on a discreet corner of the bed, to be retrieved the following morning. Kids these days would say that we were deprived, but I’d like to think that we were well ahead of our time.

 

I am glad you’ve shared the experience with your father- it reinforces my own belief that our old folks had some sound and timeless values, which we can replicate in our new environment.

[Waaq]

Indeed this is a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing your story. The mode of parenting you describe is in stark contrast to the modes of parenting found these days in the Somali community. One trait that I find lacking in today's parents is the ability to teach your kids how to discern right and wrong. In other words, providing your kids with the critical thinking skills necessary to make decisions in your (the parents) absence. Even if my mother was near by or not I could always hear her voice in my ear whenever a sticky situation arose. I might not have always made the right decision, but my mother made sure that I was equipped with ability to do so. The single greatest example of the lack of this ability I see in Somalis is the constant use of the word "haraam". It seems that parents have restorted to threat of Allah as a substitute for their own parenting. Not everything is "haraam" (i.e. forbidden by god) it might just be wrong, impolite, or disrespectful.

 

Thanks again for the post Gaasira

[-Serenity-]

Excellent thread Gaasira!

 

Looking back at how we were raised, I'm astonished and extremely impressed with my dad's approach to us. I cant recall a single incident where he threatened to beat us or deprive us of anything. His method was and is, still simple. My father believes in reasoning with us, even as little toddlers. He never imposes his view and is always willing to came to a compromise provided we can reason our way through. What I think is most effective about his approach is that it instills a great sense of confidence as we believe we have came to the conclusion on our own and there is no issue of forced opinion/way and alot of respect for him and everything he says carries a lot more weight. I know if my father ever opposed something, it would be for a very good reason. He has yet to this day never said a plain NO without explaining his reasons and for some reason, none of us dare to bring up a silly issue or something nonsensical with him - he will out reason us. He is not even your typical serious father as he jokes and talks to us like adults all the time.

 

As much as I'd love to perpetuate my fathers parenting style..I've a bit of a temper like my mother and shouting or throwin something nearby will relieve me much faster than a long good talk.

 

God bless him and Mum.

[checkmate]

Excellent topic garrisa walaalo.

 

looool@7of9.....don't blame it on ur mom dear, you need anger management

 

I have to say that i relate to alot of you in ur upbringing years, but i did get a beating from my dad once and that's because i was around 7 or 8, i drove his car and crashed it to our next door neighbour's Gangeelo and whole lot walls, not to mention my dad's car.So you can see why i had beating that day

 

But i have always thought communication and reasoning is the best nutrition to a childs brain, as long as i can remember i was always treated as a young adult. But i really hate it when somali parents push their kids aways "waraa maxaa dadka waaweeyn ku agfadhiisiyey, bax ilmaha la cayaar" sort of thing, it's like they are pushing to you to be a kid when you don't want to be a kid.....my life being with grown ups has helped me a lot and am not only talking bout my parents only.my grandmother, my grndfather, thier friends, our relatives that came from baadiye to visit but neva went back , my older cousins who lived with us..

 

asxantu

[Viking]

Gaasira,

Thanks for initiating such a useful thread. I guess I could relate to some of the techniques, the look, the haddaan kuu soo istaago etc. Since I was such a rabshoole, my mum used to take the liberty and physically discipline me. This was a customary thing at the dugsi and even at school. So obviously, this boy had been "hardenned" in a way and words and looks were not enough forms of discipline at home. My father, on the other hand, never used to raise his hand at me. My mum would use him as a "plan B" when I didn't listen to her. She would say... aabaha baan usheegi doona and it worked wonders EVERY single time she said that. At some stage later in life, I even suspected that they had it all planned, a successful way of establishing a hierarchy of authority and discipline in the household.

He wasn't really the scary type but was taken seriously because he would never scold someone for some minor incident, noooo, he was reserved for the major ones, kind of like a "high court".

 

After hitting puberty, he had a talk with me where he told me that from that point onwards, I was a grown up who will not be punished again.

 

It is difficult to apply the same type of disciplinary techniques in the west; positive reinforcement seems to be the mode preferred by many, but behavioural psyhologists like Skinner seem to think it'll wreak nothing but problems in the end.

[Sophist]

Gaasira, Maasha Allah, thank you for making memories to relive.

[Gaasira]

Waaq- How true! It's the fear of an alien culture that leads parents to put so much emphasis on what's forbidden (Xaraam) by religion. In the past, children left home early and parents raised them to be able to survive on their own early on. Not so these days. We just want them to stay home (to stay out of trouble) and vegitate in front of the television- (except for some overworked little girls).

 

Seven of Nine- I know how you feel. If you live in Canada, spanking is now allowed, but there is not much satisfaction in that. Some Somali parents found ingenious ways of giving a good beating without alerting the 'child-abuse' police. The theory has an interesting logic to it. They (parents) found that if they beat their child (particularly girls), say on a Tuesday, you can be sure that they'll tell their friend, the friend will tell her mother, the mother will call the teacher, the teacher will call the social worker, the social worker will have a nice chat with you, and your life will never be the same. So, some very enterprising parent found that if you reserve beating for afterschool on Fridays, then you'll have the whole weekend to erase the memory of that beating from their impressionable little minds. You can buy candies, take them to the movies, buy them a new toy, or whatever you need to do to send them to school on Monday HAPPY. When their friends ask, "what did you do on the weekend?", you can be certain that the beating on Friday will not make it to the list. This has happened, I kid you not. The challenge for you then, Seven of Nine, is how to hold on to that anger until a Friday. I taught anger management to teenagers, perhaps I can provide a few tips.

 

Shoobaro- I guess your name says it all:)

 

Viking- I am a firm believer that boys need to be raised by men, and the points you raised confirms that. And I agree, there isn't just one method of disclipine that works. All children are not created equal and each family would have to figure out for themselves what works best for them.

 

Sophist- Didn't think I had anything to offer a sophist - Glad to know there is a little, even if it's just triggering childhood memories.

 

Cheers.

[Sophist]

Gaasira

[NGONGE]

Very nice topic. Although I’m getting the impression I was the only Somali who got smacked, hit, slapped and treated as a moving shoe rack as a child!

 

Oh come on, straighten your faces and don’t feel sorry for me, I used to enjoy the experience. In fact, I used to beg my father to beat me up every time I did something wrong. The alternative you see, was a long and wearisome lecture. It was not even a story like the ones the sister above related! No, my father would go on and on and on about how wrong I was in whatever it is I did. He’d gradually build up into a crescendo and tell me that these were signs of failure and that if I didn’t arrest them now, I’m going to regret them for the rest of my life! He knew that I knew that he was talking rubbish and that these long reprimands were my punishment for doing wrong. He also knew that children in general had no patience and are not able to concentrate on a boring activity for long. A five-minute lecture always felt as if it lasted for an hour! Of course, if he was in a hurry and had no time to spend on long rebukes, he’d shout as loud as he could and start pretending to hit me and miss. Sometimes, depending on the offence, he would actually hit me! Mother on the other hand, never did hit me (none that I remember at least). She did all the things the people in the posts above mentioned. She’d threaten me with telling my father, she would give me the “look†or she’ll threaten to embarrass me in front of my friends the next time they came to visit. Amazingly enough, both parents still follow the same routine with me and my siblings (excluding the beating part of course).

 

Now, I’m an adult and have my own children. I really have no idea what methods of punishment and correction I’d use on them, they‘re far too young for anything stronger than a NO with varying pitches of voice. To tell you the truth, I’d quite fancy owning my own punishment BELT. But, that’s more to do with my twisted mind than a belief in its use as a parenting approach (I assure you that the belt has nothing to do with my own upbringing, in case you jump to conclusions).

 

 

Lately, I’ve noticed a trend amongst many Somali mothers (and fathers), I’ve noticed that many of them would curse and swear at their children with some very obscene and colourful language. Having never actually lived in Somalia and never experienced living in the midst of a predominantly Somali society, I could not confirm such occurrences to be the norm. However, in my dealings with migrant Somalis in the Arab world and the UK, I’ve witnessed the same scene being repeated dozens of times. I can’t help but cringe every time I see an otherwise respectable and decent mother scolding her child and telling him to go away and do such and such things to his own father! On occasions, the mothers will notice me and feel embarrassed and ashamed. What’s really astonishing and bizarre about this is that they’ll feel ashamed for swearing in the presence of a strange man but see nothing wrong with swearing at their own child! May Allah guide them (and us) into the righteous path and reward their efforts with virtuous and worthy offspring.

 

PS

I wrote this at 3.45 AM. The entire family are suffering from a bad cold and I had to stay up to keep calming them down and sweet-talking them to sleep. They all woke up again at 7.00 AM and I only managed to get some sleep at 11.00 AM. It's almost 7.00 PM now and I just woke up. They're all keeping out of my way now because I told them that I'm finding it hard to control my temptation to use that belt after all.

Parenting you say? It's a piece of cake, no really it is. :mad:

[-Serenity-]

I cant blv ya all suggested anger management for moi. I said a bit of a temper, not ANGER! I'd never beat my kids silly, I'm more for the deprivation of enjoyment and the like. It works on my little sister who i forbid from watching tv whenever she acts up... I also dont feed her and put all her good clothes away..sometimes for days at a stretch.

 

^^ futile attempt at humour.

 

Gaasira, if all else fails, maybe I'll try the friday method - seems effective enuf. Thanks for the tip!

[Warrior of Light]

Great topic.

 

At school we had the physical punishment which everyone avoided as much as they could the kneeling down on stones or with or without a heavy peice of wood in ur hands arms raised high not allowed to bend. Or the physchological punishment of writing lines .. I will not do ...... a thousand times. Lucky there was no detention in our days.

 

At home was more of the mothers look. But when your in real trouble you get sent to your room not allowed to play with your favorite toy or read your story book( not reading my afternoon book was like torture). You are only allowed to come out once you have figured out what you have done wrong. By that time your anger has sublimed you find yourself conversing , discussing the situation with your parents then ends with the apology . The pyschological impact of seating or laying in your room and not allowed to do anything but think, Figuring what did i say?, what did i blurt out?How did it happen? was hard really for any 8 yr old.

When I look back Im greatful as it provided me an environment to consider before i make a move or action the possible outcomes as how will the person react to it and how to overcome negative situations. As I learnt to take responsibility of my actions even if its ends up with an apology its better than the embarassment and losing of face forever or severing my relations.

When I reflect back my younger siblings got more of the physical punishment though it was implemented by other members of kin as most of the time our parents were away. Which sums as abuse. There upbringing was different.There was fear in their lives something I would have loved to change if I could rewind back the years and stand up against those ppl. Those who implemented force on them when I reflect back and put myself in their shoes have realised they were in their own stressful situation and the way they were brought up they tried to force it on us, which I find lame. Communication is the Key.A child should be talken to and made to understand why he is said to be in the wrong. But as a child I couldnt put or express it that to adults mind so they would get their spankings. And acting as an advocate also gets you into trouble get termed naughty or know it all.

My advice parents need to be fully there for their children. Dont let other relatives take the responsibility they may steal the innocence of the children and give them dark memories left forever in their precious minds which will never be erased. The children will always love their parents coz of the fairness they show but relatives dont really do that. Or cannot adjust to the same discipline as the parents do.There is a swahili saying ' When the cats go its the holiday of the mice.' so when the parents are awy whoever takes the responsibility applies their own rules.

[- Femme -]

My mother had great patience...so I knew the only time she would hit me is when I crossed a boundry and she would lose it. And whats more amazing is that even if I was the cause of her anger...she would come back 10 minutes later and apologize to me, kiss me, and ask for my forgiveness. But the hittings (which were probably (1 every two months) stopped when I was 12. The hittings werent even that bad...I would run to my room but on two pairs of jeans, a jacket, socks, my hijab and gloves...therefore it covered all my exposed areas and it didnt hurt. ALthough I started bawling before she even took the uul out.

 

I remeber she gave a name to her stick and it was called "Suban". So we had this kind of hidden message...if we were with guests and I was behaving rudely she would say with smile on her face "Macaanto, Suban maa rabtaa inaa la ciyaartid?". The guests wouldnt understand, but I would and consequently would change my behaviour.

 

My father on the other hand never yelled or hit any of his kids. He just looks at you and thats enough.

 

However, I have this neighbour who keeps yelling to her kids (doesnt care in front of whom) "Kalb" which is dog in arabic. Thats just sad walahi. It embarasses the kids and hurts them deeply. I think that is way worse than hitting your kids...the pain of gettng hit is forgotten a few minutes later but the embarassment of cursing your kids infront of their neighbours and friends would last for a very long time.