Somali culture and polygamy

[Curly]

First I’ll being with the facts before I start expressing my hatred towards the whole ideology that men in this day and age have the right to marry up to four wives at any given time.

 

Well okay I’m not denying the fact that Islam condones the whole practise and therefore is completely Halaal. But when it comes to the reason why men marry more than one woman you think …Mmmh should that be allowed? Well Allah knows best!

 

From a religious aspect the original wife must be consulted before her husband marries a second wife, he must also have the means to support them financially, emotionally and physically. So that means sharing time with each of them equally and generally being equal with each wife as the prophet Mohammed (saw) did in his time.

 

However our Somali men have managed to totally run a mockery of this once considered noble act. First they marry a second wife without telling the first wife, and then they have the cheek to not support them efficiently! Some will then marry four wives and due to their uncontrollable sexual desires divorce oldest wife and marry another at the drop of a hat! Solely because Islam prohibits them from having five wives.

 

Some Somali men even think that it’s okay to go marry a woman in Somalia and visit her once or twice a year and each time manage to get her pregnant and then leave her to give birth and raise their children alone. With the only support being money which is sometimes sent regularly and other times whenever she phones and begs for it, then they’ll head down the post office and collect their income support and send them half of the (as they say “Gaal”) British government’s money.

 

When I discuss this issue with older Somali people I’m usually laughed at and told “It’s religion, you can’t question religion!” Well who said I was questioning religion in the first place?! And that using religion as an excuse for not being able to keep it in your pants is hardly acceptable because I’m almost certain that the majority of those elderly Somali men going back to our motherland to marry young virgins of 18, weren’t thinking about Allah when they decided to marry the poor things (except for when they decided to call the sheikh!)

 

 

So all in all I’d have to say that the Somali men need to realise that women aren’t sexual objects that you have use and misuse at your pleasure but we are individuals who have feelings too! You don’t see the older Somali women going around eyeing up younger men every chance they get!

The way I see it is if you don’t like other men chatting up your wife, then don’t you think that she’d mind when you go off and jump into bed with another woman!

 

Then there’s the whole issue with why older Somali men bother getting married anyways, why are they so selfish marrying younger women who are young enough to be their daughters! Even if they still are able to impregnate the woman then why subject that unborn child to a miserable and deprived life, where they’ll never have contact with their father or their father won't live long enough to see them get married and have children of their own!

 

So keeping in mind all of what I’ve just said do you honestly think that in the Somali community that polygamy in this day and age is correct when Somali men are unable to support the first wife and children, much less a 3rd or 4th family and then have the audacity to divorce so readily and marry younger women?!

[-Serenity-]

And what makes it worse it that this practice is perpetuated mostly by the so called models of soceity - Wadaads and religious figures. Average Faarax's usually dont have the guts..but Wadaads, who has the right to question their motives besides God eh?

Curly, according to some, the man doesn't even need the consent of his first wife to get a second. So he could be married and LOOKING i.e. proposing on other women all the time :rolleyes:

[bilan]

salaam

islam gave these rights to the men but with responsability, ofcourse some people abuse these rights among other things, and according to the religion man does not need his first wife's approval, as a condition to get second wife the only thing they need is that they should be able to support both families equally.as men have a right to marry 4, women has the right not to be among them, also women who are concerned about that can write it down on the contract that he can not marry another woman without her consent, so then men are obligated to tell their wives. i do not blame only men but also their wives who let them get away with that.

[Reality Check]

Originally posted by Curly_Sue:

Somali men need to realise that women aren’t sexual objects

Yup!

[Warmoog]

There are situations in which polygamy can be very useful. For instance, if practiced properly, it's a good alternative to divorce. But lately it seems as if many Somali men who practice polygamy end up misusing it in some way. In most of the cases I've seen or heard of, the man often doesn't have the means to provide adequate financial support for all his wives. And it leads to one (often the newer wife) getting more, while the first/older one has to struggle to make ends meet. And sadly, even when a polygamist divorces the older wife, the chances of her remarrying are slim. Why? Well, simply because most men in our culture would rather marry a young virgin who isn't towing half a dozen kids from a previous marriage. And it's unfortunate... Instead of preventing or fixing domestic problems, the misuse of polygamy just multiplies them.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is if they don't have fat wallets like those oil-rich Saudis, it's best if Somali men spare their wives heartache & financial hardship and just leave the polygamy thing alone.

 

Salaamz.

[Raxmah]

A Muslim man to have more than one wife is a permission which is given to them in the Quran, not to satisfy lust, but for the welfare of the widows and the orphans of the wars. Somali men CAN'T get that through their head. No one has to tell me that most Somali men marry more than one wife to help women and children who are disadvantaged, but to their advantage. :confused: What angers me more, they have the guts to say they are practicing the sunnah of the prophet. PBUH

 

What's worse they can't even support one let alone four, so instead solving the problems facing Somali mothers today, they add to it.

 

I'm not against polygamy, but these Somali boys sure do need intensive study with the responsibilities that comes with practicing polygamy, to them is just another game they have to play.

[Macalin]

WHATS YOUR POINT SUE?

[Vanquish_V12]

sue, u right but u must distinguish between the symptoms of the disease n the disease itself. abusing marital responsabilities are one of da many failures of somali men. the real issue is the degradation of character. We need to build a society filled with honorable truthful young man that are in link with their din. The point here is how do u expect ur rights be honored if the person (male partner) feels he has no obligation to do so, he has no compulsion cuz there is no fear of repraisal from Allah(swt).

 

on the other hand, i cant say the somali females are in any better shape.

[ijabo]

Great topic!!!

 

Evidently you have strong feelings about this!

 

I agree with some of the things you said, i think that there are men who abuse their God-given rights. However on the other hand, women abuse them too.

 

Not all men abuse this right though. You will get situations where the man is married to two wives, and in the end, its turns out ok, and sometimes it can be pretty cool to have an older brother to protect you, whether he wasnt given birth my ya mom. I am in this sitaution and i consider ma self lucky, my farther is a great man whose kindness and love is unlimited and extends to us all ( we are 14 alltogether). I consider maself lucky to have so many brothers and sisters around me to advise me.

 

Ok....so its not all peachy sometimes, resentment and jelousy does creep in...but doesn't always... in which ever relationship/marriage u are in.

 

I have 3 other uncles back at Somalia too and they all have three wives.....i have so many cousins....these men are good plp and i feel lucky.

 

 

Be careful sue....not all men are as what u described and not all non polygamous marriages end in paradise, there are some polygamous marriages which are lasting...and i am proud to say i am apart of it.

 

Though recent decades may have confirmed your thaughts, its doesnt mean what you say is the general formulae.

 

Great topic again.....keep it coming....i must say i do admire your sense of conviction on this!

[Curly]

Thanks for replying, but I feel like some of you have slightly misunderstood me...I know you're not all mind readers so I'll explain!

 

It's not just the men who are at fault it's generally everyone who allows and accepts this sort of misconduct of religious laws.

 

Okay I wasn't aware that in Islam that the man doesn't have to ask for permission but I believe that it's just considerate to at least treat your wife with some respect and tell her about issues that will affect her! I'm sure keeping things like this a secret will generally end up in disappointment and heart break!

 

Ijabo, thanks and I do agree that there are situation where polygamy works out fine for all parties involved but with the Somali culture this is not generally the case!

And this is what I was focusing on when I wrote the topic.

 

I’ve never really thought about this since someone close to me did this and it caused a lot of problems within the family and I felt like it was a great injustice, because ultimately the deed is done and there nothing I or anyone can do about it, no amount of arguing or pleading will change anything and that is what annoys me the most, Feeling so weak and helpless!

 

I’ve express my views to my family and God forbid if that was ever the case with my father I wouldn’t know how I would react, I’d probably disown him.

 

I know that the problem won’t just disappear but… what can you do about it?!

[SomeAlien]

is this really a "growing issue" or is it just regular guys talking about the future harem theyre gonna pull. cause lets face it, neither in somalia past or present day somalia nor even amongst the diaspora in the west is it "common" for a man to have 2 wives let alone 4. looking around i see more men whove been divorced and re-married and men whove been widowed and re-married than accual men in polyginous(sp?) relationships. the bachelors here will all tell you they will OBVIOUSLY have more htan one wife cause a number of reasons (they cant be faithful, its their duty e.t.c) and if they do, good on them but really ask a married man if hell take on another wife, or heck ask these same fellas when they are married if theyll take on another wife and watch the numbers decline and not cause their sentimental or cause i htink theyll find "the one" but cause keeping a marriage/family together is stressful so imagine being hte head of dual households lets not even imagine 4/quadruple. the reasons polyginists relationships dont work out are usually for the same reason monogomous relationships dont work out, the people going in it just didnt realise the work theyd have to put in.

[QUANTUM LEAP]

Ok before I start to comment on the issue of Polygamy, can some of you ladies answer the following questions.

 

1. Is Polygamy Islamically accepetable or not? If yes why are you ladies disputing it?

 

1. Why do women agree to marrying a man who is already married to 1,2 or 3 wives if it dis-pleases them so much?

 

2. It takes two to tango and so how can the blame game be a mans fault only at all times when the ones who agree to the whole deal are the same women who complain after.

 

 

Polygamy has become an established part of traditional Islamic law and practice; Muslims are accustomed to accepting that a man's right to more than one wife is firmly established in the Qur'an and the Hadith. Polygamy (specifically polygamy, the marriage of one man to many women) is thus considered unquestionably moral, even though it is obviously unfair; only men are allowed the privilege of it. However, a close study of the Qur'an can enable one to see that the Islamic ideal of marriage is monogamous, with only husband-wife pairs. In fact, the Qur'anic stance on polygamy is the same as its stance on slavery; both are objectionable on ethical grounds, but tolerated due to the particular circumstances of Muhammad's community.

To begin, let us look at the Qur'anic verses relating to polygamous marriage:

 

If you fear that you will not act justly towards the orphans, marry such women as seem good to you, two, three, four; but if you fear you will not be equitable, then only one, or what your right hands own; so it is likelier you will not be partial.

{Surah 4 (an-Nisa), verse 3}

 

It should be immediately apparent that the Qur'anic stance on marriage is more complex than the traditional rule of up to-four-wives-at-once. To begin with, a man is only allowed more than one wife if they can be treated equitably. The stated purpose of polygamy is for the sake of social justice: to enable society to "act justly towards the orphans". In the context of Muhammad's early Medina community this makes plenty of sense, as the widows and children of martyred Muslims had few options to fall back upon for survival other than remarriage. Since warfare against the Mecca opponents of Islam killed many of the male Muslims, it was necessary to allow their widows to remarry the surviving men. This would ensure that each widow and her children had a male to look out for their interests, without which their situation could have been difficult in the often patriarchal tribal society. This was especially important among the early Muslims of Medina, among whom much wealth was accumulated in the form of the spoils of battle and ransoms paid for enemies captured. Such wealth was controlled by the men who gained it in battle, and these were the ones who would have the means to provide for additional wives and children.

Polygamy is thus allowed to meet the specific needs of the early Muslim community at Medina. But what about in modern Muslim communities which have various institutions such as governmental and non-governmental agencies to look after the needs of destitute widows and orphans? The Qur'an simply does not provide any support for polygamy in this case. To resolve the question of whether or not polygamy is a universally applicable institution, we need to probe deeper into the Qur'an and discover whether it is ultimately moral. In this regard the following verse is important:

 

You will not be able to be equitable between your wives, be you ever so eager; yet do not be altogether partial so that you leave her, as it were, suspended.

(Surah 4 (an-Nisa'), verse 129}

 

Read alongside the previous verse, it becomes obvious that the practice of polygamy is morally questionable. In stark contrast to the previous allowance for multiple wives who are treated equitably, here the Qur'an flatly states that equitable behavior is impossible. The implication is that monogamy, and not polygamy, is the ideal for Muslims.

 

Polygamy must then be viewed as a temporary phenomenon, allowed only due to the social needs of the Messenger's community. The Qur'anic stance on the ethical shortfalls of multiple marriages should result in their ultimate replacement by monogamy.

 

Traditional Muslim scholars have ignored the above possibility by treating only the verse permitting polygamy as legally valid. The other verse, implying that multiple marriages are immoral due to the impossibility of equitable treatment, was assumed to have no legal force. It was regarded only as an ethical injunction to encourage men to treat their wives well, even if they could not be completely fair. But this traditional interpretation misses the point. According to the Qur'an, the required equal treatment is impossible; thus polygamy is never completely ethical. Islamic law cannot be said to be "Islamic" if it does not fully incorporate Qur'anic ethics; thus polygamy cannot be universally permissible under Islamic law.

In discussing the ethics of marriage, we should realize that our commonplace perception of polygamy is profoundly influenced by our environment. On the one hand, the norm of industrial society has become monogamous marriage; thus the Islamic position seems oddly permissive in allowing a man more than one partner. Much anti-Muslim polemic has been directed against the 'sexual promiscuity' of the polygamous Muslim male. It is important to realize, however, that these laws were revealed under considerably different circumstances. In the context of pre-Islamic Arab society, the Qur'anic position represents a step toward monogamy rather than away from it. Before Islam, societal rules regarding sexuality and marriage were tribal in nature and relatively flexible. Both men and women were allowed multiple spouses; some of the types of "marriage" which prevailed were essentially approved forms of prostitution. A remnant of this permissive pre-Islamic ethic survives in the allowance in some Shi'i legal schools for temporary marriage (mut'a) whereby a couple can contract a marriage for an arbitrary fixed period, after which they are automatically divorced; the woman going her way with the bridal dowry, which cannot be returned. In this context, the Qur'anic legislation limited a woman to a single man and implied that monogamy was the moral ideal for men as well. The one-sidedness of the reform, initially limiting only polyandry (multiple husbands) and not polygamy (multiple wives), should be seen as an intermediate stage separating pre-Islamic sexual immorality and Islamic monogamy. Traditional Muslim legalists have been entirely concerned with the Qur'anic legal word on marriage, when the true issue should have been its moral position on sexuality.

 

Having said that don’t you guys think as Somalis and Muslims, and for the sake of our own propagation we should increase our UMMA and grow as a community especially since we have lost a lot of our people through war?

[Curly]

Somealien sis it's a common thing in London and Somalia and most guys have two wives some have up to four wives...It happens more than you know!

 

 

Quote: "the reasons polyginists relationships dont work out are usually for the same reason monogomous relationships dont work out, the people going in it just didnt realise the work theyd have to put in."

 

Walaal to be honest I doubt these men set out to put in any work at all! They think they can just get married and not bare any of the burden!

[underdog]

Walaal to be honest I doubt these men set out to put in any work at all!

It's not just the men who are at fault it's generally everyone who allows and accepts this sort of misconduct of religious laws.

I think we're looking at this issue in a very 2-dimensional way. For EVERYTHING we do, some of us do it right and some do it wrong. whether it's polygamy, career, breeding offspring, or even boiling an egg, some people will do it right and some will do it wrong. That's human nature.

 

You can't generalize and say Driving should be banned because of all the bad drivers. This is the same thing, some people are not responsible and abuse the system. Some don't. So your individual grievances are NOT with the practice of polygamy or the social compatabilty skills of Somali men or even modern interpretation of romance, Your beef is with actual living, breathing lowlifes that you either personally know or have heard about.

 

However,

That's my opinion, I could be wrong.

[Xoogsade]

Trouble.