Social Debate: The Somali Single Mothers phenomenon

[jamaal7777]

Personally it wouldn’t’t make a difference whether divorced or never married. I would be more concerned with things like how organised her life is or in refusing anything to do with her disorganised.

 

Although different people choose partners for different reasons maybe depending on what they want in life or is most important to them at that particular time, i think in marriage it would be more important to look for compatibility in light of where we are heading. So if you are a forward looking individual, choosing a partner who is all over the place all the time, regardless of good looking, young or as many Muslims stress a virgin, may end up being frustrating and a disappointment.

 

In such a context i would personally go for a divorced woman who is organised than any young unmarried woman who is not. She has to know what she wants and be prepared for what it entails.

 

Going on ****** ideas brought down the generation probably from alien cultures is even worst, in my opinion, than merely going on looks.

 

These are some of the things i would probably look to avoid if i was looking for a partner for life for that is what marriage is all about and wanted to be able to be better placed to fulfil the responsibilities that come with it such as being a good father and a good husband.

 

Cleanliness of body and as far as that is going to fall under her duties, of the house as well. I know the house will probably need cooperation and the man may be required to do his bit. Proper organisation of time is another. If they, like is common with most Somali families, should find themselves both poor and less educated, it should then be of priority to win back time so that they can recommit it to improving their lives instead.

This may mean being lean and mean and hardly ever indulging oneself.

 

This may mean cutting back on most of those long chats on the phone as well as excessive socialising with friends. Cutting back on television hours will also not only save you time you cant afford to waste it will also take out a lot of the background noise that most people don’t even notice anymore yet is a major factor that contributes to many of our ills. Taking away the background noise will, for instance help us delegate recourses where needed when needed.

 

This is because by helping calm our minds needs gain prominence over everything else. They instil themselves at the top and cause worries until solved. People smoke, drink, do drugs or unnecessarily busy themselves with insignificant things in the hope of driving away those worries all to no avail. It only postpones the solutions thereby compounding them. Will have a time limit and when not solves in time will be barriers which we will never transcend ever again.

 

This is not going to be easy for we are already too dependent of socialising as a solution or should I say an escape route, that some of us move towns, regions, countries or even continents because of it. It is common among Somalis to here that a family moved to different place because there is a larger population of Somalis or that that is where everybody is heading lately.

 

There is no honour or dignity in getting used to staying a the bottom. Ours is not to make life bearable at the bottom by making as many friends as possible whom we can confide in or who will for the time help us forget our problems.

 

By choosing the right partner you may however avoid a lot of problems and free yourself from the shackles that chained your ancestors for all this time. Thos same shackles have probably played a part in our current problems.

 

 

So in seeking change I think we would be wise to start with the family for it is the family that is the most basic unit of the society. Let the family that you end up having not be a fabrication of chance and whims but a conscious choice for an end.

 

If you are to sow the seeds of what you or your offsprings are to reap in a time to come here on the earth or in the hereafter you become a human being and accept yourself and your condition with a passion to progress in a responsible manor.

 

Part of that responsibility is to attempt to break away once and for all from what now seems to be a vicious circle. We must start our reformations and that starts with you as the individual man or woman regarding the union that will bind you into a nuclear family and will be basic unit of our entire society.

 

Our problems are deeply embedded in our customs and beliefs, in my opinion and thus we need to root out those that are without a doubt harmful. Our current state requires us to stress the need for change. We need to start this change as quickly as possible and to probe as deeply as possible just to avoid any further disintegration and the injustices that follow from that.

 

On our way to a better life we must not fear change, we must rather look forward to it as a confirmation that we as human beings and are blessed with the most options to improve our lives.

 

You not only to marry a divorcee but you give her the respect, the dignity and most importantly the love and partnership that she requires. To stand up and be counted as one of that fought this ideology is a bonus.

 

Have you heard, i think it is that blacks have the most divorce rates and in many countires in the west. I wonder if this has anything to do with thier majority in prisons as well. Is it any wonder that this will only lead to downward spiral.

[Ashkiro]

This is totally off topic, since everything has already been said, but i believe that any woman who remarries and has a young daughter should be very careful in who she brings into her home and just have an extra eye, we surely live in a scary world in which u can't trust anyone. May Allah protect us.

[jamaal7777]

Ashkiro

 

You are right and i went on an on. I was in fact going to post an apology.

 

I dont think i was too far off the topic though.

 

Thanks.

[Ashkiro]

Jamaal, walaal i am sorry if you got the wrong idea that was not my intention at all, i replied only after browsing the first 2 pages that i didn't even see your reply. My response was a product of a story that i heard, had nothing to do with what u wrote. Having read your reply as of now, I see no reason why u would need to apologize, you said nothing wrong at all walaal. peace

[jamaal7777]

Thanks Ashkiro

 

I also did not read all the replies and was a bit hasty in my reply

[Amina daughter of Nikatau]

lets face it somali men have been brought up to value virginity so once a girl becomes a woman and then is unfortunate enough to divorce she no longer holds interest to men as she's, how do i say this nicely? Used goods.....note the sarcasm in my writing …. It’s infuriating to see the stigma our community places on single mothers and how these “men” then think it’s ok to abuse them since they no longer are marriage material….there are some men who actually seek out single mothers to get their “groove on” because they truly believe these girls have no morals and would be more than happy to have a man look after them…. And sadly some of these girls start to suffer from low self esteem and begin to believe these lies …they then think they’re trash and therefore act accordingly and this only serves to prove the communities myth of the single mother syndrome………akkkkkkkkkkkkkk……..sometimes I’m ashamed of my community………..

[KulchaJamma]

When women, who lack a solid education and the resources with which to support themselves, marry someone and have numerous children with them they set themselves up for failure.

 

Women cannot and should not rely entirely on a man for their well-being, and the well-being of their children. To do so is naive. Simply put: things fall apart.

 

Also, just because you're married to someone doesn't mean you should start popping out babies like it's going out of fashion. You have to ask yourself:

 

Can we afford it?

Can we provide adequately for this child?

Do we have the time to devote to this child's nurturing, and education?

As a married couple, are we prepared to expand our family?

Do we need more time to ourselves to build and strengthen our marriage before we have children?

 

If I were a smart, resourceful guy who had his life together, the last thing I would want is to be married to someone who's only real contribution to my life is her children FROM ANOTHER MARRIAGE.

 

just my two shillings,

KJ

[Malika]

^Must be the recession,that two shilling was worthless.

 

I am assuming your not familiar with the norms of Somali culture, Islamic tradition ,the will of Allah etc etc..

 

Anywho,back to the topic.

 

What happened to the men that fathered these children,these women didnt just happen to have these children without contribution from the men.

 

So women are penalized and stigmatised for being the only parent to these children?

 

This is just another form of Women oppression!

 

The funny thing about men and their views on women is they just seem to contradict themselves over and over.In all wanting what suits them best..e.g A woman working is somehow a social problem - neglectful of her duties blah blah. If she stays at home - she is a burden to him and society,but he doesnt complain of all the labour work his woman performs around the house.Actually he would probably complain she isnt throughly enough when cleaning or washing..

 

If a woman is educated,oh boy! their little male ego's get all intimidate,but dont fear boys. Women are still underpaid,so no worries there,she isnt suddenly going to be the boss of you.[shock and horror of it]

 

If she has children,its a problem.The self centred so and so need to be looked after and their slave is too busy looking after their children - strike that her children,he just released the sperm in pleasure time,does not concern him the out come. Behold she does not have children,oh the barren woman what to do with her,she is useless! chuck her out,next!

 

Men! :mad:

[Ms DD]

Tell 'em girl

 

Single mothers are the backbone of this society. The few kids that are straight and narrow are from the result such courageous women. Lets ask where the fathers are?

 

Allaha madaxoooda ha ka shubo..all the single moms. Bless you all.

[Malika]

^ Hunno,mothers ARE backbone of any society,either married or single.

 

Have you noticed,those much praised "involved" fathers,sidhaa loo aamanoo you would assume he has invented the cure for AIDS..lol,kalee araag,waa niin fariid aa,sidhuu ilmihisaa uu waad waado,wth! isga dalee,mothers do that every waking moment of their lives. Or those very few single fathers,how adored they are by society!

 

Single father are adored,praised AND single mothers are condemned,degraded and dehumanised..why o' why?

[KulchaJamma]

“Must be the recession,that two shilling was worthless.”

 

Really? I guess it’s my turn to examine your thoughtful, worthwhile argument then.

 

“I am assuming your not familiar with the norms of Somali culture, Islamic tradition ,the will of Allah etc etc.”

 

‘Will of Allah’, eh? As a Somali woman, you would be very wrong. Let’s move on, this is fun.

 

“Anywho,back to the topic.”

 

Promise?

 

“What happened to the men that fathered these children,these women didnt just happen to have these children without contribution from the men.”

 

Who cares? Women must always look out for themselves, and their own well-being and self-interest. Look, life is full of surprises, and sometimes the people you love turn out to be quite horrible –BUT- one must always be prepared for that. Take the necessary precautions!

 

Yes, I agree, some men have failed to be responsible, and mature in their decisions, and life choices. But why should so many women consistently suffer as a result?

 

As the old Islamic saying goes women: Trust in Allah, but TIE UP YOUR CAMEL! And you said I knew nothing about the Somali culture and the ‘Will of Allah’...tsk, tsk!

 

All I’m saying is: get to know the man you’re preparing to commit yourself to before diving headfirst into baby-making territory.

 

“So women are penalized and stigmatised for being the only parent to these children?”

 

Yes. And I too think that’s unfair but that certainly doesn’t mean they don’t have options, and a future.

 

“This is just another form of Women oppression!”

 

‘Women oppression’?

 

I’m assuming you mean sexism. And if you do, I agree.

 

“The funny thing about men and their views on women is they just seem to contradict themselves over and over.In all wanting what suits them best..e.g A woman working is somehow a social problem - neglectful of her duties blah blah. If she stays at home - she is a burden to him and society,but he doesnt complain of all the labour work his woman performs around the house.Actually he would probably complain she isnt throughly enough when cleaning or washing..”

 

Some men, not all. I don’t necessarily disagree with you here.

 

“If a woman is educated,oh boy! their little male ego's get all intimidate,but dont fear boys. Women are still underpaid,so no worries there,she isnt suddenly going to be the boss of you.[shock and horror of it]

 

If she has children,its a problem.The self centred so and so need to be looked after and their slave is too busy looking after their children - strike that her children,he just released the sperm in pleasure time,does not concern him the out come. Behold she does not have children,oh the barren woman what to do with her,she is useless! chuck her out,next!

 

Men!”

 

Okay, I understand your point. As a feminist, I too am disgusted by the inequality of the sexes in our culture but, as I said before, I still think women need to take responsibility for their life choices. If for no other reason, then to empower themselves in making solid, thoughtful decisions about THEIR money, THEIR marriage, THEIR reproduction rights...etc. on their OWN terms. I am not going to leave my future happiness, and well-being in the hands of someone else, no matter how much I love him. My future partner will play a critical role in my life, but that’s very different from BEING my life.

 

Marriage is a partnership, and although that partnership may be negotiated differently amongst different couples, it still needs to feel equitable, be fulfilling, and remain honest.

 

Many of the characteristics you described about SOME men could easily be revealed if one simply got to know their partners well enough before marriage. A leopard doesn’t easily change his spots. It’s true that some people change after marriage, but a lot can be said about a proper courtship. And if that’s not possible, I urge women to wait before popping out 4-5 kids. Get to know your partner, his habits, and way-of-being. If his values and outlook on life don’t align with your own, get out before it’s too late.

 

Peace,

KJ

[Cara.]

The problem KJ, is that despite saying you want women to make thoughtful decisions, you at the same time condemn women who DO make decisions about their lives simply because you disapprove of their choices. Let's say I marry a Faarax and I want to have a child right away. But after our child is born, the marriage falls apart for whatever reason. If having this child somehow makes me unsuitable for future Faaraxs, should I then think less of myself for it? Maybe I should blame my kid because, as you put it, "If I were a smart, resourceful guy who had his life together, the last thing I would want is to be married to someone who's only real contribution to my life is her children FROM ANOTHER MARRIAGE. " Why are you assuming that this is the only contribution this woman will make to the man's life? Is that the sum meaning of being a woman? Does your rich inner life collapse to nothing simply because you now have children in tow?

 

It's easy to make snap judgments based on appearances isn't it?

[KulchaJamma]

There's a BIG difference between being a single mother with no prospects (i.e. education, stability, ambition, resources, etc.), and a single mother making her own through life despite not having a life partner.

[Malika]

^Indeed and that can be said for anyone that has the privilage.

 

But your failing to understand 'The stigma about single mothers' isn’t one based on their lack of education, wealth or professional standards but of a 'family structure',keeping in mind what is norm and approved.

 

Despite what societies say,these women remain Mothers and the skills of being a mother doesnt require a Phd nor does it require one having a hefty bank balance,it just requires determination and dedication and I believe most of these women do their best to raise their kids in all type of circumstances.

 

Life isnt a text book dear!

[Ms DD]

KJ

Marriage is a partnership, and although that partnership may be negotiated differently amongst different couples, it still needs to feel equitable, be fulfilling, and remain honest.

 

Many of the characteristics you described about SOME men could easily be revealed if one simply got to know their partners well enough before marriage

You are either idealist or naive, however I would bet on both though. You can plan all you like in life, but it never turns out how we plan it. Most caruefully structured plans go awry when someone esle is involved. you seee people who have been married for 10yrs only to discover unsavoury trait which could undo the whole marriage. We all know how ideal marriage should be, but we are realist. Therefore people make do what was delivered to them.