Social Debate: The Somali Single Mothers phenomenon

[Faheema.]

Somali Single Mothers

 

It was not until recently that I realised most Somali (unmarried) men would go out of their way and avoid marrying a Somali divorced/single mother. Though, itÂ’s a subconscious thing and they may not realise that they are doing it, but a lot of brothers run a mile as soon as they find out the woman has been married before. (as if to say she is some kind of nymphomaniac). Walahi, it saddens me to see our men alienate our woman on the basis of her marital status.

 

On the other hand, if you reverse the situation you would see no problem, a divorced man has no trouble marrying an unmarried woman. But, when it comes to a divorced/single mother they make a song and dance about it.

*maxaad ku falaysaa mid lasoo furay adiga oo helaya mid yar oo shabaab ah*

(ItÂ’s ugly they way Somali language conveys certain messages)

 

So, my fellow male Nomads what are your main reason/s for not marrying a Somali divorce/single mother? (Aside from qadar and calaf)

 

Sisters feel free to share your thoughts.

[abdikhadar]

(It’s ugly they way Somali language conveys certain messages)

 

Itaanan ka jawaabin su'aashaada this is the second time i saw unfounded atack on Somali language, an Arabic broveb goes in this way " The person is enemay of what he does't know or ignorant of them" i don't know when English n other Languages become more expressive and clearar n more conveance then worldly aknowledged great Somali language, go n read what is written about Somali language and its wonderfull letrature, so plz letts know is it Us or the Language where the short coming is before taking the go'aan.

 

Waa sax qof walbaa ra'iyigiisa waa dhiiban karaa topiguu doonana wuu ka hadli karaa, lakin in afsoomaliga in la weeraro maahan.

Single mather dee ruux walba dooqiisa ma cidbaa la qasbayaa, hadaan kani doonayn mid kaloo doonaya waayi mayso.

[qoslaaye]

SINGLE MOTHERS ARE BECOMING A NORMAL WAY OF LIVE IN THE SOMALI COMMUNITY AS THE OTHER BLACK COMMUNITIES IN THE WEST. THIS SHOWS THAT WE ARE NOT PRACTICING OR USING OUR ISLAMIC RELIGION. AS MENTIONED IN QURAN AND THE HADITHS THE ONLY SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM THAT WE FACE IS GO BACK TO YOUR NOBLE QURAN AND HADITHS.

 

THESE ARE FEW PROBLEMS THAT IS INCREASING THE SINGLE MOTHERS IN OUR COMMUNITY AND THEIR SOLUTIONS

1)SOMALI WOMEN SAY "DO YOU THINK IM IN SOMALI? IM FREE NOW".

HALLOW,WOMEN SHOULD FORGET ABOUT THE DECORATED LIFE IN THE WEST, THAT TELLS THEM ABOUT FREEDOM. OUR RELIGION GIVE THE BEST FREEDOM THAT IS NOT MENTIONED ANY WHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD.SO GO BACK TO YOUR RELIGION AND CLAIM YOUR FREEDOM THERE.

2) WOMEN SHOULD REMEMBER WHY ALLAH ALLOWED MEN TO MARRY UP TO FOUR WIVES IF THEY CAN? THIS IS TO SOLVE THESE KIND OF PROBLEMS. MEN WHO CAN SHOULD MARRY SINGLE MOTHER AS THEIR FIRST, SECOND, THIRD OR FOURTH WIVES AND OTHER WOMEN SHOULD NOT STOP THEIR HUSBAND TO DO SO.

3) BOTH SOMALI WOMEN AND MEN FORGET ABOUT THE NEED OF "SAMIR" "PATIENCE" IN THEIR LIFE. EVERY FAMILY SHOULD PRACTICE THAT AND HELP EACH OTHER WITH FAITH AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER WITH HAPPINESS.

 

I HOPE THIS AND OTHER NICE IDEAS THAT MY OTHER BROTHERS AND SISTERS HAVE WILL SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS.

AND EVERY MAN OR WOMAN SHOULD GET UP TO STOP, IF NOT REDUCE, THIS PROBLEMS OF SSM"SOMALI SINGLE MOTHER"

 

THANKS

[QUANTUM LEAP]

Single moms and single dads I think have too much baggage. I wouldnt go near any for the love of my life as the first huddle was a failure especially in the Western Hemsphire.

 

There is always a reason why someone is devorced be it male or female. So as they say ...there is no smoke without fire...RUN RUN when u see one:)

[Dhimbil]

RUN RUN when u see one:)

loooooooooooool

 

yeah agree with shaqsi, it has to do with the baggage, just can't deal with kids that are not mine, and probably their father will be in the picture also, can't deal with that either.

 

Its already a miracle how two single pple marry and keep it together.

[rudy-Diiriye]

LOVE them ssm! they do know how to is rux!!

[Reality Check]

Originally posted by qoslaaye:

2) WOMEN SHOULD REMEMBER WHY ALLAH ALLOWED MEN TO MARRY UP TO FOUR WIVES IF THEY CAN? THIS IS TO SOLVE THESE KIND OF PROBLEMS. MEN WHO CAN SHOULD MARRY SINGLE MOTHER AS THEIR FIRST, SECOND, THIRD OR FOURTH WIVES AND OTHER WOMEN SHOULD NOT STOP THEIR HUSBAND TO DO SO.

Hon, Allah (s.a.w.) allowed polygomy...with lots of restrictions!!! I don't think Somali men adhere to that at all..they just want to increase the booty, na'mean..and thats not a good enough reason.

 

I think the restrictions are so hard to accomplish that no Somali man can marry up to four wives. ie, you have to have enough money to support all of the households, make ALL your wives happy, raise your kids, e.t.c

 

Besides, no MAN of mine will marry another wife!!! over my dead body, as they say

[Rahima]

Aside from the marriage aspect, the truly distressing thing is the reality that a society with unstable families will never prosper.

 

A breakdown in the family institution affects the very fabric of the society.

[QUANTUM LEAP]

"MARRIAGE IS LIKE AFLOWER YOU GOT TO WATER IT, TREAT IT AND MAKE SURE THERE IS NO WEED TO KILL IT"

 

Shaqsii (1890)

 

I have nothing against single moms/Dads but I have an issue when it gets to a stage were our ladies and men folk make it a fashion to either dump themselves before knowing whats really really wrong. There is a great luck of communication, patience and understanding. There is also a lot of greed and selfishness involved and most of all, the easy lifestyles that are pretty impressive to many a Farax/ Xalimo who come to the West where there are plenty of freebies aka **WELFARE N FREE HOUSING****. So with all these influences and a luck of grey matter/Imaan would be a very Lethal interms of longterm relationships (marriages).

 

The other problem is watching too much OPRAH, RICKY, SUNSET BOULEVARD, MTV AND OFCOUSE NOT FORGETTING THE EVER SO LOVED JERRY where its easy to even have a relationship with ya mama These have become a gauge for most if not all Somalis out there.

 

So the little self respect and Morals have gone out of the window. Infact mind set and slogan of the day is "WHATEVER"

[rudy-Diiriye]

after all said and done! it comes down to 3 words,

lack of education! have u noticed this one! when couples are hardworking, struggling to make ends meet and dealing with nite schools, they are so together! once u have farah chewing all day and xalimo on de phone all damn day, then shit hits the fan!

mark my word! just examine all the failed marriages and successful once u know!!! t

[Faheema.]

abdikhadar: Firstly, Walalo you misunderstood me, when I said (It’s ugly they way Somali language conveys certain messages) I meant the way some people choose their words collectively when expressing their views on certain subjects. Especially, when they disapprove of something or someone.

 

Secondly, you didn’t really answer my question, I know waa ikhtiyaar kooda laakin adigu what is your reason?

 

qoslaaye: Again, you completely avoided the question. I didn’t ask for the reason why she got divorced; But what are the reason/s that she is not remarried, preferably to an unmarried Somali man.

 

 

Shaqsii & illmatic: It’s understandable that you would prefer a woman with no “access baggage” but surely if she loves you and you love her, she makes you happy in more ways than one, why would you dismiss her just because she has kid or two?, why are you not making that sacrifice and take her for what she is or has. Surprisingly, you might even be happier in this marriage, than the one you’re seeking.

 

To be honest, the main reason most marriages fail is because there is lack of communication between couple. I was reading an article called “Tips for a Better Husband and Wife Relationship” (which I posted in the Islam forum) and it says “Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work”. Which, I totally agree, if the partners are in partnership rather than being rivals their marriage would stand a better chance of success.

[Thinkerman]

Walaahi on a personal note i cannot say that i would give ssm a thought, i would have also thought that they would not give a spring chic like myself a chance.

 

Na seriously i think that like for like applies here. So clearly those who have married before and divorced would be in a better position than myself.

 

However i must conclude by congratulating Sagshii on his unparalled words of wisdom. Brother what where u eatng that day

[QUANTUM LEAP]

Hello Sheyma…The reasons why I tend to brush off single moms away is nothing other the question that keeps lingering on my mind which is why get divorced so easily in the first place? Why get married in the first place before finding out a little more about the person than jumping headlong? I always wondered how easy it is to get a girl or boy to marry one in our community. A nice car and hired suit and ofcouse a bit of showing off could convince a lady to marry a farax who u wouldn’t have otherwise married had u looked a little deeper. There is a lot of acting involved in all Somali relationships. If a guy or lady is interested in pursuing you, they would be willing to do all for the short term gain but hell when the going gets a little tougher then it byeeeeee n one comes back to square one. As Raxma said earlier, our community building blocks have started to disintegrate as a result of major family failures/breakdowns.

 

In a small survey that I carried out in a small neighborhood, I found out that a lot of women point the finger to the men and the men point the finger at the women. You would think it’s a renewed war of the sexes. It’s unbelievable what you hear Single moms say in front of their kids about the dads. It’s also disheartening to see a real man who doesn’t care about how his kids grow up to be good human beings.

 

Oh Shujui bro wouldnt u like to know Trade secret Mate

[Thierry.]

haqsiiAlthough most men would like to have someone who is unmarried. I think that the divorced sisters deserve a second chance

 

I understand where my friend Shaqsii is comming from. Some of the women have skeletons in their closets. one skeleton fine but a grave yard, run as away as fast as you can.

[Paragon]

Any woman who is divorced must have had an ugly arguement with her husband, one that had progressed to the trouble she is swimming in. But if the arguement or the divorce wasn't in her makings, her makings must've been what dragged her into a failed-to be- marriage in the first instance. Given that her marriage ended in divorce, this may invite the possibility of a residue-troubles in her life; for example constant reminders like kids.