QUANTUM LEAP Posted November 9, 2002 Over the years I have seen a number of marriages destroyed by inlaws from both parties (Hubby/Wife). It is said among our community that once you marry a lady/man you marry the whole family too somehow. Because of the nature of this extended family structure, the chances of ruining ones marriage is pretty high. Do you think Inlaws should meddle in a husbands and wives affairs or is one married to the whole family? Plz discuss. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
iLLsoMaLi Posted November 9, 2002 Salaamz, Shaqsii, I don't know man. I think people need to give the couple their space. I mean, why would the extended family be involved to the extent they can be able to cause a tragedy as great as the break up of their union. Too many cooks spoils the broth. That's my take anyway. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Honesita Posted November 9, 2002 I think this is an issue in almost every culture....the hus/wife and the inlaws rarely get along......and u cant say its always because of the inlaws or its always because of the hus/wife....there r those evil inlaws or evil hus/wife...!!! Sometimes they can be both nice pple who get along just fine....!!! I'de say if ur inlaws r one of those pple who make life a livin' hell for u, talk about it with ur hus/wife.....most of the times u can come up with some sort of a solution.....!!! With somalis, it seems like they jump to divorce without solvin' the problem.....!!! I also think pple need to know the do's and dont's when it comes to marriage the Islamic way.......without it, the marriage will fall anywayz....!!! That's my 2 cents...!!! Salaamz Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QUANTUM LEAP Posted November 10, 2002 My take on this issue is that some in-laws are hell bent on trying to make their daughters/Sons the most miserable ones. I have actually seen marriages broken because a mother in-law has her daughter wrapped around her lil finger and always calls the shorts even when the marriage is very successful and involving kids. I think its also xaraam to destroy anyone’s marriage through hearsay and silly allegations that have no grounds or even because one party is not materialistically blessed. There is a very strong argument today in our community that a lot of pple today don’t get married because the mother in-law or auntie or someone influential within the family doesn’t like the incumbent husband or wife for that matter. Sometimes I think some relatives want their children to be more miserable than they ever where in past misery. Im sure there are loads of stories to tell about in-laws from hell in most Somali families. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
sMiLeY Posted November 10, 2002 hey that happens all the time.....ppl divorce because of their inlaws ......u know what i would do ......move to a city where there aren't any of his family or mine. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QUANTUM LEAP Posted November 10, 2002 Smiley you right there when you say you have to move out of town and perhaps live in another city. A few thousand miles would do for sure. However having said that, I do think too that there are wonderful inlaws who can be the best thing that has ever happened to one. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Drama-Free Posted November 10, 2002 Great topic as usual :cool: Not all of them are witches - Some Mother In Laws are decent and so nurturing. Not intentionally trying to bash on Moms or to come out stereotyping - But the females from the husband's side could make your life aliving hell. (Only if you let them or the Husband is "Mamoone" aka Mama's boy ) Always getting involved - overly interested in their son/bro's marriage life. Starting from the wife's nail polish on her toes to the ring on her finger - Some mother inlaws trully expect to know what her son had for dinner, and how he spends his money. No matter how well the wife contributes to the marriage ie; financially, his mom is always a critique - assuming its her son's $$$ she's burning. A husband's mom is one of the hardest challenge in a woman's life and those who made it through deserve national recognition. Pretty shallow but some females pray for a man whose mom already passed away!!! PS: The saying: "When one marries he's married to the whole family" - I don't think it means he'd have to answer to each and everyone, but as a culture must help out the extended family if needs be when he can. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
iLLsoMaLi Posted November 10, 2002 Salaamz, Soul, that is really frightening sister. I mean, I always thought a man could be judged by how he treats his mother. If he holds her up on a pedistal, then maybe the thinking was, he would place his wife up there too. I'm surprised you know of people who wish for men without mothers. I myself didn't see some of my grandparents and I wish I had. I wouldn't want that for my children at all. All I know is, being a momma's boy is one of the best things you could be in life. As you know, heaven is found under the feet of your mom, the closer you are to her, the closer you're getting to heaven. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Drama-Free Posted November 10, 2002 Loving and honouring moms doesn't make one a wimp or a 'Mamoone' - However; being under mom's thumb, & not knowing where to draw the line is what earns a man the title: Mama's boy. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
amran Posted November 11, 2002 shaqsi, it does not happen only in somali culture, it happens almost every culture, and most of the time it is between daughter_in_law and the mother_in_law, not because parents do not want their children to be happy, but look this way now i understand better since i'm a mother myself, you raise your child, educate him and suddenly this lady comes and takes him away, i mean your daughter will always be yours, but your son forget him the day he gets married, most of the time it is in wife's hand to calm down things, i always say when your in-laws are at your home do not try to be too romantic towards your husband this is their time with him so stay away let them talk, and i'm sure his mother would not be jelous then. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Buubto Posted November 11, 2002 Asalaamu Aleikum Wr Wb Pretty shallow but some females pray for a man whose mom already passed away!!! S.L Girl were u reading my mind, I know is selfish :mad: but I am one of those girls. When I look the guy I exam his whole family, if he came from a very large family with lots of sisters & female cousins & if he is the only son of the family, I run away :eek: . Walaahi when I see some lucky sisters that have the best mother-in-law I get jealous. Ilhaay marka aan ka baryaayo in uu meel qeer leh I mariyo, waxaan mar waliba ku duceestaa sodoh & dumashilaal wanaagsan. Shaqsi It all depends what sort of family u go into & whether u share same tribe or not. if the family is well educated as far as islam concern then these problems will be minimized. Sad to say but I even seen an educated mother inlaw being mother inlaw from hell. What even makes the whole satiation worse is when the sister-in-law’s & mother-in-law team up to destroy u, most of the times it happens when the wife is different tribe to them. This is how I see it if the husband has a lot of sisters for example more than 3 then the wife is in deep $hit. The only way u will survive is to live far away form them. Whether ur in-laws r nice or not, it is always preverbal to live far away from them. I know is heartless & pathetic thing to even say that, but what can u do when ur luck is bad & they r up ur throat. These days forget about mother inlaws & sister inlaws ur husbands cousins & aunties can be quite challenge as well. The other thing if the husband is the oldest of the family or the youngest luquntaada xor ma’aha. if u know what I mean. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Buubto Posted November 11, 2002 sorry i posted twice. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QUANTUM LEAP Posted November 11, 2002 To all the lovely ladies n gents, most of what you said has an element of truth and I guess we are on the right truck in as far as these discussion is concerned. S.L - I don’t know about wishing for a dead granny but I understand where you coming from. I would like to say though that some mom in-laws would be a very integral part of a great family. Your children need the love and the oral stories told by grannies. Amran – Loving your children means that their happiness also is paramount. You can’t possibly treat your children as some property because you taught them everything they know most of all gave birth to them. I do know that what your soar is what you rip at the end of the day if you bring your children the right way then they will always be your children and will always be there for you despite being married. Buubto – True that a family with Imaan and Islamic values would be great. However, I don’t think that being the only son or being with many sisters makes such a difference. In fact it could work out very nicely for one. The family could dot on you and your children and that could be something you never get anywhere in this world. At the end of the day you can find out a little about the family from talking to your future hubby or wife to be. Here is alittle story about the sad part of belonging to a family that doesnt care so much for ones happiness. A few years ago, I happened to know a family with three daughters and the oldest wasn’t married somehow due to the fact that she was the ASSET of the family. The hardest working, the most responsible, and the one who is able to solve most of the family problems. She basically was a great business lady too. However, she was ripe (ready to settle) but the problem was that no man was good enough for according to her mom. Her biological clock was ticking so to speak and was king facing the big three (0). Her mom was unbelievably uncomfortable to let her daughter leave the nest. She didn’t care for in as far as her own emotional problems where concerned n the poor lady was so loyal to her mom. Men came n went but still there was no one good enough for the MOM. Anyway the poor gal eventually eloped n run off with some stranger n now lives with a man who barters her every moment he gets and she cant go back home as the her mom was (a witch). I have to however, say that every individual is different and we could be too judgmental here. There are millions of great in-laws who would really take you for their own son when married to their daughter and I have to say if you happen to strike it lucky then you will be laughing even in your deathbed. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted November 11, 2002 Salaams all. Buubto sister I agree with you and someways. There are millions of great in-laws who would really take you for their own son when married to their daughter and I have to say if you happen to strike it lucky then you will be laughing even in your deathbed.[/QB] Shaqsi bro your right about and I agree with 100%. ________________Kamila____________________________ Kaligaa waalo wareer waaye halagula waasho wanaag waaye Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gentle_Hather Posted November 11, 2002 I think some inlaws are great however I think problems arise with inlaws that put their children on unreachable pedestals. Unfortunately those are the ones that are hard to pls and in their opinion, no-one will ever be good for their child. However, in cases where one has such a parent, it is upto the husband/wife to ensure that there is a clear line between your relatives and your family (eg. Wife/husband, children). It is good to take an advice however one should reason on their own, think for themselves and do what will benefit his/her family the most. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
