Is motherhood a form of oppression?

[-Lily-]

Thanks to breastfeeding, organic purees and eco nappies, the baby has become a tyrant, says a bestselling book in France.

 

You wanted to be the perfect mother, so you gave up work, shopping, sex and all the other things you loved to breastfeed, make purées and wash nappies. But it’s proving to be an exhausting, strife-ridden, painful experience.

 

Here’s an answer. Give the baby a bottle and have a drink and a smoke, too, if it takes your fancy. Then turn to industrial baby food, disposable nappies and a childcare arrangement that allows you to get your life back.

 

Not only will you free yourself from the Great Oppressor (we’re talking about the baby here, not the father), but you will become a role model for angst-filled contemporaries and encourage a long-term rise in the national birth rate.

 

That, at least, is the view of Elisabeth Badinter, a French philosopher who has shaken her fellow feminists with a frontal assault on the breastfeeding, pumpkin-peeling, earth motherhood ideologists who she believes are a threat to women’s liberation.

 

Her latest book, Le Conflit, La Femme et La Mère (The Conflict, The Woman and The Mother), which is topping the bestseller lists in France amid intense debate, maintains that women have thrown off the shackles of male domination only to impose a far more pernicious tyranny on themselves — that of their own children.

 

She advocates a return to the old French model, which involved whatever necessary — powdered milk, baby minders, nurseries, you name it — to prevent les enfants from taking over their mothers’ lives.

 

“We live 80 to 85 years in our industrialised countries, and children take up 20 to 25 years of that,” she says. “Staking your whole life on 20 years is a bad bet.”

 

Unsurprisingly, Badinter has drawn furious reactions from all those she blames for making motherhood a prohibitively daunting challenge — an unlikely coalition of ecologists, New Age feminists, paediatricians, conservative Christians and breastfeeding activists.

 

They have accused her of, among, other things, endangering the planet, serving the cause of sexism andsecretly seeking to boost Nestlé’s profits.

 

But when I met her for an interview in her imperiously large flat overlooking the Luxembourg Gardens in central Paris, she seemed like a fine example of the lifestyle she advocates — 66 years old, three children, loads of grandchildren and up for a fight. Her blue eyes flashed, her voice was gravelly and the cigarettes glowed between her lips as she defended her belief that a woman who gives birth to a child is a woman first and a mother second.

 

“Mon pauvre monsieur,” she said when I asked whether she had continued to smoke during her pregnancies. “Of course, we all did then. You don’t enter a religious order when you have children.” There was another puff on the Stuyvesant. “Today, we’re told we’re not allowed to smoke, to eat unpasteurised cheese or seafood or even to a drink a glass of wine when we are pregnant. It’s time to stop all that.”

 

Badinter is the daughter of Marcel Bleustein-Blanchet, the founder of Publicis, the world’s fourth-biggest advertising agency — in which she retains a 10 per cent stake — and the wife of Robert Badinter, a former Justice Minister who is celebrated for his role in the abolition of capital punishment. But it has been 30 years since the French referred to her as an appendix of her illustrious male relations. She is known in her own right as the intellectual who broke a taboo by attacking the concept of maternal instinct.

 

Female chimpanzees may be driven by instinct, she said, but female human beings look after their children out of love or a sense of duty — or do not look after them, as the case may be.

 

The claim propelled her to the head of France’s postwar feminist movement at a time, in the early 1980s, when feminists thought that they were on the point of overturning a patriarchal society.

 

But then it all went wrong. Rather than continuing the struggle for equality, younger women have returned home to place themselves at the service of their children, she says.

 

“The baby has become a tyrant despite himself,” she says. This to the joy of men, who are able to sit back and watch the football, unconcerned by the offspring-mother battle.

 

So what has driven women to accept this modern form of slavery? The economic crisis is one reason, she says, with motherhood suddenly looking like a better option than the uncertainty of the workplace.

 

The Green movement is another, with its back-to-nature beliefs in home-made food, mother’s milk and washable nappies — all obstacles on the road to emancipation in her eyes. “Between the protection of trees and the liberty of women, my choice is clear,” she says. “It may seem derisory but powdered milk, jars of baby food and disposable nappies were all stages in the liberation of women.”

 

A third explanation is the contemporary American feminist movement, which, she says, has made the mistake of trying to feminise the world in the hope of turning it into more a compassionate, tolerant and peaceful place.

 

“These new feminists say that we have hidden and undervalued the essence of women, which is motherhood.” Badinter dismisses the theory as wrong, because “men and women resemble each other enormously”, and dangerous because “it shuts the sexes in different circles”, leaving women closed off with their children.

 

The final — and most important — cause of the social regression she has pinpointed lies with the doctors and nurses who lap up the arguments of pro-breastfeeding groups such as La Leche League which offers mother-to-mother support, she says. Although most of the “1001 claims in favour of breastfeeding” are unfounded — she points to studies debunking the idea that mother’s milk produces healthier and more intelligent people than the powdered variety — they are still dished out in maternity wards.

 

“If you don’t want to breastfeed, you are asked, ‘But Madame, don’t you want the best for your child?’. It makes you feel terribly guilty.” So most mothers breastfeed anyway, and many go on to do so for months or years. “This worries me, because we are creating another model of motherhood where the mother is with her baby 24 hours a day for at least six months. This is a model that eats the personal part of each woman as an individual,” she says.

 

Hence the conflict in her book’s title. Women grow up in the me-first hedonism of today’s society and are then asked to renounce self-fulfilment in the name of total motherhood. “These are radically opposed imperatives.”

 

Edwige Antier, a paediatrician, disagrees. “Elisabeth Badinter is an archeofeminist who does not know what are the aspirations of women today. She’s in denial of motherhood. For neofeminists such as me, it’s obvious that women want self-fulfilment both in their careers and in motherhood.”

 

And for Bénédicte Opitz, chairwoman of the French branch of the Leche League: “Badinter is, like Simone de Beauvoir, a supporter of French-style feminism, which shuns motherhood. The days are over when women claimed rights on the basis of a masculine model as in the 1970s. Today women want us to take account of their feminine specificities. Besides, breastfeeding is not incompatible with professional activities.”

 

But Badinter backs her arguments up by contrasting the fertility rate in France (2.0 children per woman) with that of Germany (1.3 children). The explanation she gives is that France is more resistant to earth motherhood, with only just over half of mothers breastfeeding, for example, compared with almost 100 per cent in Germany.

 

“We’ve always been mediocre mothers here,” Badinter said (pointing out that in the 18th century French women farmed their children out to nurses “so that they could continue to have social lives and sex with their husbands”). “But we’ve tended to have happier lives.” In other words, you can still be une mère and une femme as well — even if the tension between the two is rising in France as it is elsewhere.

 

For die mutter, on the other hand, “once you become a mother, you are only a mother” — an unacceptable choice for the quarter of young German women (more than double the French proportion) who are opting not to have children at all.

 

Britain is somewhere in between, she says — pulled by tradition towards the French model and by fashion towards a touchy-feely, child-centred future. We should stop before it is too late. “The English tradition of sending children to boarding school from a young age is like the 18th-century French tradition of sending them to nurses — a way of getting rid of them.”

 

And that, to Badinter, is no bad thing.

 

source: http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article7070165.ece

[-Lily-]

Ok when I first read this I thought she was a delusional, confused, narrow minded woman, and totally extreme in her view, I still think she is… but part of me also finds her selfish honesty very refreshing. The only part of her message that appealed to me & that can be generalised is that children will probably do just as well with a little less obsessive care, and mothers would benefit from being a bit more selfish and doing things for themselves instead. I also find it comical/amusing that a baby can be a tyrant.

 

What's SOL mother’s (or father’s) opinion on this?

 

* please no little-dhocil boys, this is not a topic for you *

[Castro]

^^^^ Not only are they tyrants as infants, they grow up to talk back while huffing, puffing and rolling their eyes. I can't speak for women but I couldn't do what my wife did and does. I just don't have the mental or physical strength.

[Eng.Cadde]

wow,I have never thought little babies can be tyrants.lol,It doesnt occur to me in that way.

 

If you truly believe your baby is going to hinder you from your career,ambitions and most importantly your indepedence,the solution is simple,dont marry till you are 40 years old,Age doesnt matter sometimes and there is someone out there for you who loves you as person.

 

These are guys out there who are into strong, mature,indepedent women.that is atleast how i visualise it.

[Chimera]

The woman is nuts, smoking and drinking during pregnancies have serious consequences for the embryo, and there are multiple dangers when you smoke infront of an infant. There is something very cold and empty about women and men who plan to never have kids at all, its so sterile and one of the major reasons why Europe's demographics is rapidly changing, and i don't consider that a good thing.

 

Motherhood, from looking at my female relatives is a demanding job though, and personally if that era comes in my life, I as a father will Insha-allah try to help the best i can, and do everything she does bar breastfeeding ofcourse. Children are an investment, they are your legacy, they and their descendants are the ones who will remember you. Some of the best memories i have in life, were those special times during my childhood with my mother, i don't consider that oppression.

[Valenteenah.]

What a funny article. I suppose there's a valid point under all that sass, in terms of not giving up your whole life for your children. But I think motherhood gives back almost as much as it takes away. That is, until your pride and joy enters teenagehood.

 

Surely there must be a balance somewhere.

[Blessed]

Rubish! A baby doesn't ask a mother to give up all that she loves, for most mothers the love just shifts...

[Malika]

Stuff and Nonsense - to borrow Ngonges phrase.

 

The role of motherhood is so important,its sacred..It is worth all that,she mentions that one will have to give up to be 'perfect' mother..

[Che -Guevara]

^Habo, you are kind biased though

[Malika]

^I know.. ,runtii its a role any woman undertaking needs to understand its importancy..Its not a light job,it requires effort,dedication,committment and alot of sacrifies..It is worth it though,looking into those baby eyes,holding that baby is a blessing worth it all.

 

blimey,am getting all broody..hehe

[Che -Guevara]

^I could tell and I like how Blessed says the loves shifts and Habo is like it's worthy

 

I don't know if I want to get up 3 in the morning. I'm glad we only do the fun part from the beginning (emphasis ) middle (ok it gets hard) and to the end (happy they moved out).

[General Duke]

The best job in the world.

[Blessed]

Che,

You're grin makes me wonder if you've missed my point. I haven't given up anything for my babies. I've taken on more responsibilities , but my life has more value / purpose now and I do get so much more in return.

 

It seems authors and society in general have an obsession with finding things for mothers to be guilty about. If you work, you're a horrid mother! If you don't you're not setting a good example and contributing to society or you're giving up on your dreams.. You're damned if you do / don't. I say- forget all that and do what you know and feel to be good for your family.

 

The article is littered with key words that you'll find in any article about motherhood- selfish, bad mother, choices- but these aren't words used by children to describe their mothers. I find children are very adaptable and the least critical of their mothers. It isn't impossible to work , socialise, study, have interests and travel with kids... Obviously, as a mother / father you have to make special considerations but there's nothing tyrannical about making decisions with your child's welfare, interests and happiness in mind... unless you're dealing with tyrannical adults who make these things impossible for you.

 

It's not oppressive to spend more time in the kitchen rather than shoving bottled food in their mouths or to breastfeed or to give up on unhealthy habits for the welfare of your child. It's mothers love.

 

I don't think kids mind that mummy goes for a mani-padi, or coffee, gym, dinner, movies whilst they play with their friends or spend time with daddy, the nanny, aunty or ayeeyo or sleep! It's not selfish as you're not taking anything away from your kids- if find it annoying that people insist on treating it as a conflict of interest between mother and child. It isn't!

 

All this baseless guilt tripping is from other adults, this woman being a fine example. I don't know what makes her think that she has authority on motherhood or that she can speak for all mothers... 'we have become...' ku la haa!! Who is we? Not all young women raised in the west (even the gaalo) want to be independent career women. Full stop! Sme actually look forward to having a family and see it as an attractive option in life. Not all mothers find children to be an inconvenient nuisance – some actually like being with their kids... This woman seems to have a problem with the very idea of mothers raising their kids. It's odd, it's eccentric and to me it sounds sad and cynical.

[-Lily-]

Blessed, I totally agree, that seems like the ideal balance.

 

Che, I dont think fatherhood is in parts. It's from beginning to end.

[Jacpher]

Hire a 24-hour nanny and focus on your $$$$$ instead. Unlike most things in life, motherhood is a blessing not a burden.