Child of Dune Posted October 4, 2005 Does any one agree with this? Please feel free to express your views In some relationships, arguments always seem one sided - with one partner making all the noise as the other quietly calms the storm. It's possible they both have a problem expressing their feelings, but together they're able to reassure each other that emotions are being managed. Different couples will experience it in different ways, but that inexplicable feeling of wholeness you have when you're together is what Henry Dicks, a guru in relationship psychotherapy, called the 'unconscious fit'. Unconscious fit All of us carry with us a psychological blueprint, holding details about our life experiences and the marks they've left. It contains information we often haven't acknowledged about our fears and anxieties and our coping mechanisms and defences. Each of us has an unconscious capacity to scan another person's blueprint. The people we're most attracted to are those who have a blueprint that complements our own. We're looking for similarities of experience but, more significantly, we're also looking for differences. Opposites attract The purpose of this unconscious fit is to find someone who can complement our experiences. That might be someone who's the same as us, but most commonly we're looking for someone from whom we can learn; someone who has developed coping mechanisms that are different from our own. The ideal partner will be someone who has struggled with similar life issues, but has developed another way of managing it. It seems that our other half is often our best chance of becoming psychologically whole. Although no two relationships are ever the same, psychologists have noticed that there are some common types of unconscious fit. Do you recognise any of these? Parent and child - this type of couple often has shared issues with dependency and trust. One partner copes with those issues by behaving in a childlike way. Their hidden belief is that if they remain insecure, dependent and needy their partner will look after them. Their partner takes on the role of parent and by doing so is able to deny their own needs for dependency as they're acted out by the other. Master and slave - this couple has a problem with authority and control. One partner may feel very insecure if they're ever subordinate, so they're bossy and take charge of every household circumstance. Their partner, who fears responsibility, dutifully toes the line while smugly comparing what they describe as their laid-back attitude to their partner's control-freak attitude. Distancer and pursuer - both partners are afraid of intimacy but have found their perfect match. The unspoken agreement is that one of them will keep chasing and nagging the other one for more intimacy while the other runs away. Occasionally the chase will swap round. Idol and worshipper - when one partner insists on putting the other on a pedestal, this often indicates an issue with competition. To avoid any form of comparison, both partners unconsciously agree to play this game. There are two other common types of fit based on finding a partner who has a similar problem and a similar way of coping. Babes in the wood - you may have seen this couple around. They look alike and often wear matching sweaters. They share the same interests and, more importantly, they dislike the same things. They keep anything bad out of their perfect relationship by joining forces against the big, bad world outside. Cat and dog - on the surface these partners look as though they should never have even met. They argue incessantly over anything. They both avoid intimacy by living in a war zone. You may see elements of your relationship in all of these types. As we progress through our relationships, it's not uncommon to slip into a certain pattern of behaviour. For example, in a time of illness and vulnerability you may act out the parent and child model, while many couples become like babes in the wood following the birth of a child. Good or bad chemistry? All fits serve a psychological purpose designed to protect ourselves from discomfort. Most couples aren't aware of their fit until something happens to change it. We all grow and mature, our needs change and our relationships need to adapt to those changes. Problems may start when one or both partners feell they are no longer able to communicate their feelings and alter patterns of behaviour that are now outdated. If you think that may be happening in your relationship, see When you first met. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QANCIYE Posted October 4, 2005 too long couldnt' read.. my 2cents are me dont' blieve luv and those who fall for it are hmmmm u know @#$@%#% adios Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Janna Posted October 4, 2005 Love? Doesn't exist. Obsession, that's more like it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Socod_badne Posted October 5, 2005 Originally posted by ALexus.: Love? Doesn't exist. Obsession, that's more like it. Love exists. Don't you feel love for your Mom and dad? Love exists...finding it is another matter. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wiilo Posted October 5, 2005 ^^^I agree with you Socod _badne, yes love does exist, but finding the right person is another thing.... Go figure:............. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pucca Posted October 7, 2005 Love exists. Don't you feel love for your Mom and dad? thats a whole different kinda love... nope..i dont believe in the 'love' you speak of. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Animal Farm Posted October 7, 2005 Love is a legal drug that is unregulated that can sometimes end in tragedy. Often many people get lost in search of love or something they can’t have because we the people encourage them to pursue their impossible love, the idea of talking about love, or rather the idea of romanticizing about happiness is love in itself. Lastly, love can sometimes evolve from necessity, the need to breed is not love, so when we say mom and dad, we are not certain that they loved each other, many of us were born out of necessity, and many of us are the children of the moving industrial human reproduction complexes now searching for the unknown. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nazra Posted October 7, 2005 That was so good. I enjoyed reading that. I can easily identify my role. lolz But at the end you can conclude: that opposites attract, so does similarities. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pucca Posted October 7, 2005 ^hot avator...ALOT more classy than the first one. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Foxy Posted October 7, 2005 Falling in Love and out of love is a normal human experience......its not rocket science...whether it be physical attraction or of higher understanding of one another.... Usually, you strongly favor a few traits of your beloved, such as beauty and intelligence. And you firmly convince yourself that your beloved uniquely possesses them and fall in love with that "special" person..and then shit happens and then u fall out of love like u fell in love.......simple like ABC......it takes two to tangle...and two to untangle.... Love, romance, and commitment are all created with an intention by our personal believes and attitudes, just as its simple to create the above, its simpler to un do them..... cheers Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
J.Lee Posted October 7, 2005 Love is a legal drug that is unregulated that can sometimes end in tragedy. Hmmm, write the truth and shame the devil. Love, in my sacred opinion, is the only substance worth abusing (repeatedly if necessary). Love? Doesn't exist. In order to say that love doesn’t exist, you must first acknowledge its existence which you deny. Consequently, you can't argue that it doesn’t exist, for you have already acknowledged its existence. how redundant eh? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Faarax-Brawn Posted October 7, 2005 how redundant eh? You? or the Love?[The redundant one that izzzz] :confused: Btw; A Belated Ramadan Kareem from the Brownie Man himself[Must i?,Yes.Should I .Yes Indeed] Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nazra Posted October 8, 2005 Pucca Thanks Child of Dune, Female or male? Some ppl can have wack names like Medualla Oblongata i can't get over that one. lolz Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nephissa Posted October 8, 2005 I couldn't fall again! I'm far too cynical and suspicious these days. Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, still shame on you Fool me thrice, where's my gun? Fool me quadrupily, what's the matter with me? Fool me quintupily, and I'd better see a therapist! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Xalimopatra Posted October 8, 2005 Somebody......Hold.....me I hate jaceyl. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
