Jamilah Posted January 3, 2006 I am utterly ignorant when it comes to the whole dating process and I must admit I am not comforted by what I have witnessed. I remain somewhat confused. My friends reassure me you have to date Mr. Wrong before “the oneâ€. They assert you have to know what you don’t want before you know what you want. I don’t know what I make of this philosophy; all I know is that it doesn’t sound right or remotely Islamic. Not to mention a complete waste of time. When I articulate my concerns they dismiss my opinion accounting for my misguidance as a result of my inexperience. This makes me wonder what governs the rules in this dating game. Is it simply my circle of friends who I must admit can be plain weird or this is the way things work? Another thing that bothers me is the poly-relationship thing. I understand in Islam the Muslim man is allowed up to four wives upon the condition he can financially support them equally (I don’t know how many men can fulfill this criteria). The thing is I know guys and girls who “associate†with multiple partners. Although speaking to a person on the phone does in no way bind you to them, I think it is a matter of courtesy not to seek other conversations in the mean time (another crime my friends are guilty of). If I continue now I don’t when I’ll stop, so I will leave it at this, for those who are currently in a relationship is there a systematic procedure you abide by or a things just as incoherent as is the case with my mates? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
J.Lee Posted January 3, 2006 Firstly, Abaayo trying to make sense of "the dating game" is as futile as telling an AIDS patient they are 100% healthy. Were I more honest, it is more similar to seeing your final resting place while you still draw breath, quite scary so believe me when I write being confused and inexperienced in this kind of situation isn't a bad thing. Secondly, don't worry I'm here to help you but unfortunately, I must first bust a bit of a bubble before I'm able to do that: there is no Mr. (or Mrs. For that matter) Right. Complete fulfillment or absolute perfection/satisfaction in a human is unrealistic. On the real, the world is only full of Almost rights or Always wrong! So you must, first, get a definite idea of what dating means to you and what kind of guys you like to date. One way you can easily know this is by finding out which of the two-a dinner and a movie or shaax iyo bun at your mother’s house – you consider a date. Thirdly, you don't have to "kiss a lot of frogs to catch your Mr. almost right," (experiencing and engaging in the tempting delights of pre-marital carnal pleasure is un-Islamic). It's quite simple to know what you like really. For example, figure out what traits you admire in a human being and look for these traits as well as those which you lack in the opposite sex: complementation of personalities is a must. Fourthly, when you find a person that meets some parts of your vital criteria, observe how they act by themselves, among friends, strangers, and old people. The point of such an exercise is to informally know the nature of this being: their habits (desirable or despicable) personality (dominant or dormant tolerable or intolerable) Iimaan (Weak or strong) Voice (Present or absent, decisive or indecisive) manner (courteous or crass) Word (reliable or irresponsible) Level of dependency (excessive or moderate). Finally, analyze what you observed carefully and decide whether this person is worthy of your affections. If the answer is yes, engage the person in a simple conversation (cover every topic from your political views to their state of health) and see what develops. Word of wisdom: a relationship is like a crash course -a poor imitation at that-of parenthood so unless your maternal/paternal instincts are in full budding bloom, I'd suggest you don't seek one. It requires a lot of: give and take (sacrifice but never too much), patience, understanding, determination, trust, maturity, and most of all an attractive responsible and dependent personality. B.T.W Tell your friends who associate with multiple partners that an STD is but a "fluid" away. Oh. Never date excessively or even moderately, too much experience can be deadly. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jamilah Posted January 4, 2006 WOW! thanks for the advice Jimca Lee that really helped puts things in perspective Fourthly, when you find a person that meets some parts of your vital criteria, observe how they act by themselves, among friends, strangers, and old people. The point of such an exercise is to informally know the nature of this being: their habits (desirable or despicable) personality (dominant or dormant tolerable or intolerable) Iimaan (Weak or strong) Voice (Present or absent, decisive or indecisive) manner (courteous or crass) Word (reliable or irresponsible) Level of dependency (excessive or moderate). Doubly impressive....I'm a forward this to my friends Tell your friends who associate with multiple partners that an STD is but a "fluid" away EWWWWWW... they don't associate with them in that way because they wouldn't be in my circle if they did Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hodman Posted January 4, 2006 There is no rule to dating alot of trial and error and trying to get order from disorder.To steal a line from this movie I saw" there are no normal relationships coz there are no normal people! Good luck you just have to keep the faith and go with your instincts which ofcourse are not very reliable in most people when emotionally charged! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
STOIC Posted January 4, 2006 The whole relationship thing is tainted with moral obliquity! No one is impeccable. You will one-day experience the dating scene whether you like it or not. The marriage courtship thing will be marveled on your face by your family members (if they haven’t yet). When that day knocks on your door, try to look for the greatness of the soul, the generosity of your partner, the nobility of their mind and their worldly philosophy! You have to be a daring and straight forward when you are dealing with your partner (Something am afraid to say most of our people lack).You don’t have to use your sweat and blood to prove to your partner that you are committed person. In relationships you have to always avoid being an obdurate person. Be flexible and try to mend the fence with your partner. Try to elevate yourself above all what is petty! I am gonna stop now before i sound like Dr.Phil..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
- Femme - Posted January 4, 2006 Just follow the guidelines in Islam that deals with courtship and everything should be a breeze, Inshallah. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hodman Posted January 4, 2006 wow Fem you and stoic could give the Dr. Phils of this world a run for their money! Nice point about more talking tho there is something to be said for all the sweet nothings that people talk about to pass the time with a loved one. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
STOIC Posted January 4, 2006 Hodman, My track record in SOL has little to be desired for; No one will take me that serious like DR.Phil . In life your partnership selection has to be accurate like this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hodman Posted January 4, 2006 Those cats!where are you getting them they're so... on da mark Well maybe your posts here will redeem your former track record wakiteta tell them I will testify on your behalf! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hodman Posted January 4, 2006 Those cats!where are you getting them they're so... on da mark Well maybe your posts here will redeem your former track record wakiteta tell them I will testify on your behalf! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hodman Posted January 4, 2006 double post oops sign that my computer is telling me to get back to work Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dhagax-Tuur Posted January 4, 2006 Fourthly, when you find a person that meets some parts of your vital criteria, observe how they act by themselves, among friends, strangers, and old people. The point of such an exercise is to informally know the nature of this being: their habits (desirable or despicable) personality (dominant or dormant tolerable or intolerable) Iimaan (Weak or strong) Voice (Present or absent, decisive or indecisive) manner (courteous or crass) Word (reliable or irresponsible) Level of dependency (excessive or moderate). That is a good advice. But consume it with moderation. The longer you scrutenise a human, the more holes/dislikes you discover. Take the sweat bits with the sour bits of the person's personality. And always try to remind yourself of the better side of the character of the individual. And whatever you do once you take the vow of marriage (and pref; before), don't nag! <Wishing you happy courting to all! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
STOIC Posted January 4, 2006 ^^^I do agree with FF since We normally create our reality within our behaviours.It is difficult to think our way out of pain by changing our behaviour.It is good to observe your partners character by observing the world around their big head.You can do this by observing their habits and behaviours. PS Time out for my women section quota today ...I enjoyed reading all the lonely hearts stories Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jamilah Posted January 5, 2006 ^^ You will one-day experience the dating scene whether you like it or not. The marriage courtship thing will be marveled on your face by your family members (if they haven’t yet). One minute you seem so empathetic and able understand the whole scenario well and then you say something really stup!d like I enjoyed reading all the lonely hearts stories I hope you are not putting me in the lonely hearts category P.S Thanks for the input all Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
STOIC Posted January 5, 2006 Jamilah, if that one line had the gradual power to eat away the whole thing I said then you are not a lonely heart. I enjoyed reading the moral resolution of the cases that has been raised in this section. I was dashing away from the general section reckless outbreak of the Hijaab issue and the ever dreary political section. I am not imputing the lonely heart to you in fact not to any one but I enjoyed the reading the matters of the heart and the loins Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
