Fairytale

[Viewer Discretion]

Everyone has something in common

Which is the hope of a fairytale ending

We’ve been programmed to it

Cinderella found her prince

And never heard from her since :rolleyes:

 

The next question should be

What exactly defines that fairytale for me

My dream house

The Ideal spouse

2.5 children

An intellectual boy for Dad

And an eloquent girl for Mom

 

Relationship between us that’s unbreakable

Love that is unmistakable :cool:

A house of serenity

And stability

 

My mother’s health

Ensure she lives in bliss

And never be at risk

Of danger, being with a stranger

Riches galore

And much much more

 

A problem arises

But not to my surprise :eek:

Is it possible to have that fairytale ending?

Its mind bending

 

Compromises are essential

and sometimes are Influential

2 bedroom house

A decent spouse

And God fearing offspring

Who pray

And get straight A’s

 

I’d be happy with that

As a matter of fact….

This life I remind myself is just a test

And we all know the rest

 

WE live the life in this world now

and pay for it in the hereafter

 

BUT IT NEVER HURT ANYONE TO DREAM

[Viewer Discretion]

okay so was it that horrible.lool i mean if so, give me some insight about whats wrong.. i like to know how i can better my self..holla back

[sheherazade]

Hollering..

 

Viewer Discretion, I'm usually too lazy to do this kind of thing but the title of your poem got my attention as I have an unfinished poem of (potentially) the same title lurking in my scruffy handbag. I must finish it.

 

Here are my thoughts. Firstly, your poem is not horrible. It has a message and I heard it. What you can do is make the poem tighter and more focused.

 

Everyone has something in common

Which is the hope of a fairytale ending

We’ve been programmed to it

Cinderella found her prince

And never heard from her since

 

This is interesting; explore this more. What exactly happens after she finds the prince? Is it really happily ever after? The last two lines are making the reader ask this question and query the first 3 lines, right? So the last two lines should have a 'but' or a 'however' or a question mark somewhere.

 

The next question should be

What exactly defines that fairytale for me

My dream house

The Ideal spouse

2.5 children

An intellectual boy for Dad

And an eloquent girl for Mom

 

I like this. 2 points here- one, never announce what you're about to say. I'm referring to this line, 'The next question should be'. It is unnecessary and distracting. Two and more importantly, you have changed the focus of your poem from a general one to a more personal one. If paragraph one was 'We', paragraph two is 'Me'. If a poem is to flow, the writer must not change the direction it is coming from.

 

Relationship between us that’s unbreakable

Love that is unmistakable

A house of serenity

And stability

 

I like this notion. A house of serenity. Beautiful. Who is 'us' though? The last line of the previous paragraph was talking of Mom and then suddenly there's mention of a relationship between an 'us'. Keep it flowing, new paragraph or not.[/i]

 

My mother’s health

Ensure she lives in bliss

And never be at risk

Of danger, being with a stranger

Riches galore

And much much more

 

My mother’s health- what about it? This line just hangs. Riches galore- this is a cliche. Stay away from cliches at all costs.

 

A problem arises

But not to my surprise

Is it possible to have that fairytale ending?

Its mind bending

 

Another announcement. 4 lines when one would have sufficed. You know which one.

 

I’d be happy with that

As a matter of fact….

This life I remind myself is just a test

And we all know the rest

 

WE live the life in this world now

and pay for it in the hereafter

 

BUT IT NEVER HURT ANYONE TO DREAM

 

As a matter of fact- no need for this line. It's not helping you achieve anything, Every word must have a purpose. 'Pay for it'- pay for what? Reword that line. Also stay away from rhymes, you can spend a lot of time making lines rhyme and the words may be interfering with the overall message or keeping the poem from being focused. Think

 

original

rhythm

clarity and

focus

 

Keep writing. Hope I helped. If I finish that negelected poem(one amongst many), I might post it here. Re-write your poem. We become possessive about words we write but remember to treat them with tough love. Edit. Edit. Edit. Enjoy.

[DeadlyVision]

Looking for room 402,what Class Is This???

[Viewer Discretion]

I wish I was handing this in for an English class because you gave me a lot of useful tips

[sheherazade]

I see you took my editing advice. The pleasure was mine. BTW, worked a little more on that poem of mine. It might see the light of day. Your fault. Cheers.