Thoughts and Ramblings of a Man on Vacation

[Baluug]

The only thing I hate about being on vacation is that it seems to be the only time that I refect upon my life.

 

I woke up at 4:30 this morning in the middle of a coughing fit from a minor cold I received by walking around in the pouring rain on bank holiday Monday. I couldn't go back to sleep and I was still coughing, so I just sat up in my bed and started thinking.

 

You people know me on this board as somewhat of a light-hearted joker who is easygoing, and this is also the case in real life, I'm not that much different from my online persona. But I am a human being, and obviously I'm not happy-go-lucky all the time, sometimes I can be serious. So when I got up this morning and I just couldn't stop thinking, I kind of took stock of my life, and sort of evaluated myself within the Somali community. I've been single for almost 2 years now, and I was thinking about what possible advantages and disadvantages I have going for myself when it comes to finding my next wife, when I thought about it, I realized that the odds are thoroughly stacked against me.

 

Somalis always come from large families. You can find Somali people who have even more than 20 brothers and sisters, whether from the same mother, or from different mothers. They have a seemingly unlimited number of habaryars, abtis, eedos, and adeers. They can tell you the name of their brother-in-law's aunt's husband. The Somali community is by far a larger network than Facebook could ever imagine.

 

I, on the other hand, am alone. I have no brothers or sisters, the number of cousins I have can be counted on one hand. The majority of you SOLers still live with your parents, even after you have finished school and haved started your own lives in the real world. I, on the other hand, basically cannot live with my parents because there is no Islamic presence there. When I come into town, I am the Islamic presence.

 

Somali men usually get their marriage prospects from family members, or from families that they have known from back home. A regular Somali guy will get marriage proposals from people they barely know, and they didn't even have to lift a finger to get them. I, on the other hand, have basically had to talk to people I don't know and get to know them, and it's hard to meet women when they mostly stay in the home while the guys are the ones lining the streets and storefronts. I already know that talking to random women on the street doesn't work. Call me ****** for even trying it, but why not? I have to try any way I can. I walked up to a couple of Somali ladies on the street in Shepherd's Bush yesterday and talked to them for a second, and they walked away. Scratch that off the list.

 

Another problem I have is the connection I have with my ex-wife. We are good friends for the sake of the kids, but she is the one who has introduced me to almost everyone I know, so that when they think of me, they automatically think of my ex-wife. One of the major reasons that I can't break away from this is due to the fact that I can't speak fluent Somali, which is a must to talk to Somali people in Alberta. The one thing I love about SOL is that you guys speak English well and I can talk to you and I finally founf friends on my own, even if you live in other countries.

 

I am stuck in the city of Calgary. I will never leave my kids. They are the ones who will make du'a for me after I die and insha Allah they will be the ones who get me into jannah. For that reason, I can't move to the cities that have large Somali communities like London, or Toronto, and at least from what I've seen, the majority of Somalis that move to Alberta are men.

 

I am also not very educated, and while I do have a good, kind of high-paying job, I'm still basically a labourer in a factory, not a good thing to try to raise your status(Can you imagine your wife trying to defend you by saying "Oh yeah? Well my husband makes potato chips for a living!!") I was happy to do that kind of job and live my life in my small town in Alberta, and I figured that was how I would live until I died. But Allah SWT had better plans for me. I became a Muslim, and immediately had a family. All of a sudden, I was the breadwinner and it became almost impossible from the outset to go to college and further my education. Basically even now, I don't have the time or money to go back to school, and even if I did, I don't know what course I would take.

 

Finally, I'm not Somali. A lot of people may say that doesn't matter, we are all brothers and sisters, but I know it indeed does matter. Go and ask your parents right now if they would accept you marrying a white convert. I am guessing a majority of them would slap you upside the head and tell you about Cabdi or Xaliimo so and so from whatever town you grew up in that they're trying to hook you up with. People tell me all the time "Wow, you're more Somali than I am" and "Wow, a white convert, masha Allah! I'm gonna find you a wife", but that's all just lip service. Most women would prefer a jobless qaad-chewer to a hard-working, decent living cadaan man like myself. The exception is the very religious sisters, who like to marry converts because they tend to be very religious as well. I've been told this since the day I converted, but I've never seen it. I also occasionally hear about a Somali woman who "loves white converts" or is "crazy over white guys", but they're basically expecting the same thing, a strictly religious guy. From the outset, I have basically done what is obligatory for me and nothing more. I pray 5 times a day insha Allah, I fast in Ramadan, I quit a lot of bad things I used to do, and now smoking is the last link I basically have to my old habits. I don't wear khamiis, or wake up early to read Qur'an for example, and I wouldn't want to marry a very strict sister because I am afraid I won't live up to her expectations. Masha Allah, that's a great and beautiful thing to be very religious like that, but I have never been that way and I don't know if I ever will be.

 

I am simply looking for an average Somali girl that is my age or less who speaks English well and has a job. She doesn't have to rake in the big bucks, she can work at McDonald's for all I care. I am not asking for much. To SOL members, I am not asking for your pity, nor am I asking for you to give me phone numbers for friends of yours that may be interested in me, I can do the wife-searching alone, like I do most things.

 

What I am asking for is some insight into what I can do to, and to possibly answer some of my questions. I have shukaansi-ed a couple of times, but the problem there is that they have all been at least 5 years older than me. That was a roadblock in my previous marriage, my ex is 5 years older than me, and I would always hear about it, how I'm immature, I'm too young, we don't understand each other because of the age gap, I don't want to hear all that again.

 

I can understand that I'm not much of a catch at the moment, but I can change things for the most part. I'm quite heavy, but I can exercise and lose weight. I'm not rich, but I can save money. I don't have an education, but I can go back to school if I want. But there are some things that I can't change, and I fear that those are my major shortcomings.

 

Am I being punished for my past? Allah SWT has forgiven me for the things I used to do, why can't Somali people? Am I missing out on a lot of opportunities simply because I'm white? Which is my problem, is it the things I can change, or is it the things I can't change? Should I just shut up and deal with it? I really don't know and I need some help.

[N.O.R.F]

Cadaan,

 

Patience is the key brother.

[Ms DD]

Many somalis are on the same boat. Girl or boy. BUt I always tell my friends who are looking to live life, improve yourself in anyway you can and when you are meant to meet someone, no one on earth will stop the meeting. For instance I met my ex at train station where I wasnt supposed to be and he certainly wasnt supposed to be there. He was on his way to meet another girl. What I am trying to say is, someone who travelled from another town (5hours away) on his way to meet another girl and I met on that night and married. So Never fret my brother. If Allah wills, you will meet someone.

I see some people focusing so much on meeting that special person that they forget to enjoy life/improve life, that time passes without being successful in either.

 

Be patient as North said. That girl is surely on her way. But in the meantime, save money, get healthy and take courses for Liban's sake and his children's and not for a girl.

 

Just curious though..Why limit yourself to somali only? Plenty of fish in the sea.

[Jacaylbaro]

You can find Somali people who have even more than 20 brothers and sisters, whether from the same mother, or from different mothers. They have a seemingly unlimited number of habaryars, abtis, eedos, and adeers. They can tell you the name of their brother-in-law's aunt's husband. The Somali community is by far a larger network than Facebook could ever imagine

,,, so true

 

 

Cadaan, does that mean you want to marry a Somali woman nothing but a Somali woman that will fufill your needs ???

 

There is a Canadian convert woman here in Hargeisa and she is finally married by a somali Wadaad ... she is very good Maasha Allah and have many religious activities in the city.

 

I think you need to pay a visit to Somaliland/Somalia once and see what we have here. They all fall for the white guys but not all of them are what you wanted. You can always have a choice and pick up the one you want.

 

In the cultural prospective, they serve men like a king but don't expect them to go for work outside the house that soon. They will need sometime to get used to the Western life if they go there. There used to be a Somali colleague from Tanzania who got married to an American convert. They both live now in Cairo.

 

You have many options and i understand your concern that you lived in the somali society and get used to them.

 

Good luck bro, be patient, work hard, study like a crazy and don't give a damn about those women. Once you are on the top them i'm sure you'll get lots of applications but then you have to be careful from the vimpires .......

 

 

Now that you said it here ,, then i'm sure you will have many PMs with some Hi, and where are you and so on ,,,,,,,,,,,,

[Ibtisam]

Hmmmm....

 

1) WHY must you marry a Somali women?? What is wrong with the other Muslims. You are limiting yourself too much. Even Somali guys are having a hard time getting married. (or so I keep hearing, but that maybe due to them being picky)

 

2)How old are you hortaa?? Why are you in a such rush to get married?? Can you even afford married life??

 

3)Like you said

I can understand that I'm not much of a catch at the moment, but I can change things for the most part. I'm quite heavy, but I can exercise and lose weight. I'm not rich, but I can save money. I don't have an education, but I can go back to school if I want.

You can change all those things YES. BUT the number one thing you need to change is your SELF ESTEEM and CONFIDENCE.

 

4) Always put the best foot forward. You are continuously putting yourself down, lowering your standard. STop always emphasizing your shortcomings. Talk about some of your good points. WHY should a stranger who knows nothing about you overlook a long list of shorting comings. HEre is what your current CV looks like:

 

- I am an uneducated,

- Old (you implied this)

- Low standard, anything average, she can't be better than me in education, age, standard of living etc#

- Insecure

- Divorcee: She must accommodate to my kids, my life centers on them.

- Grounded: I'm not moving an inch, I'm staying with my kids, she must be willing to live here till death does us apart, unless they move, in which case we move.

- Slightly over weigh,

- Skilled labour

- White guy: you may have to fight your family for me

 

And then you say; By the way I'm good, easy going guy. Why would you think someone would wait to hear/ read this far? You need to work on your CV my dear. Even if you was a Farah, I doubt you would get a half decent wife like that, unless your mother hooked you up with her sisters daughter or something.

 

Finally those changes you mentioned should be done to make you feel and look better for your benefit, not for some chick who is not even here yet. Watch them fall over themselves to get you then.

 

If all else fails Hargisa is full of women who will kill each other to have you, take a holiday there, you will beating them off with a stick, all ages, sizes, pretty, stunning, educated, low class, rich, poor. It is the land of opportunities.

[Jacaylbaro]

You need to work on your CV my dear.

looooooool

 

 

If all else fails Hargisa is full of women who will kill each other to have you, take a holiday there, you will beating them off with a stick, all ages, sizes, pretty, stunning, educated, low class, rich, poor. It is the land of opportunities.

[Chimera]

I don't like some of the comments made here: Somali women don't just marry any Tom,Dick or Harry that visit Somalia, the family network is more connected there than anywhere else in the Somali World. They have standards just like any other female group on this planet, i'm sure if you worked more on your confidence and self esteem they would notice you but if your thinking they will grovel at your feet as some are suggesting here than you will be a very disappointed brother for sure.

 

Btw I personally don't think Somali men have distant or very very distant relatives or friends of the family trying to hitch them to one of their daughters all the time, in my case the older Somali ladies that were making these comparisons were doing it simply out of fun

 

Let me re-iterate Somali women are 'women' they are not more 'special' or less 'special' than other female muslim groups when it comes to love & relationships, If one of my friends brother could hitch with a Pakistani muslimah( a group who's male relatives are notorious for rejecting pious African brothers) than you should have no problem hitching with a Somali muslimah

 

my tip for you is: Learn the Language

[Ibtisam]

^^^Adam, when was the last time you went to somalia (it does not matter where in SOmalia??)

 

I'm say in somali.

 

Daadka somalia joogah waxaa guurusan waax eh aragan ee outside Somalia kaa yimi either by choice or by pressure. Waaxan argee...never mind, I'll tell you another time.

[-Serenity-]

Originally posted by Ms DD:

Many somalis are on the same boat. Girl or boy. BUt I always tell my friends who are looking to live life, improve yourself in anyway you can and when you are meant to meet someone, no one on earth will stop the meeting. For instance I met my ex at train station where I wasnt supposed to be and he certainly wasnt supposed to be there. He was on his way to meet another girl. What I am trying to say is, someone who travelled from another town (5hours away) on his way to meet another girl and I met on that night and married. So Never fret my brother. If Allah wills, you will meet someone.

I see some people focusing so much on meeting that special person that they forget to enjoy life/improve life, that time passes without being successful in either.

 

Be patient as North said. That girl is surely on her way. But in the meantime, save money, get healthy and take courses for Liban's sake and his children's and not for a girl.

 

Just curious though..Why limit yourself to somali only? Plenty of fish in the sea.

Cadaan, this is the best advice you'll get on this forum. Improve yourself for YOU.. its never worth it to do it for someone else.

 

It seems to me, from reading your post, that you dont think much of yourself... so how do you expect someone else to think so of you?

[Chimera]

I was a toddler, but that's really irrelevant to the discussion (unless you think that my absence on the ground by default somehow disqualifies me from knowing the social system of Somalia?) I have many female relatives in Somalia and over here i know sisters who barely speak a word english and there not in the least bit clinging on to the first western man they find

 

Somalia is not Thailand

 

EDIT: Ibtisam aniga dad badaan garanaya oo Somaaliya xaas la'aan ka so nooqtayn, waxkasto ka maqleyso through the Somali grapevine wa generalization x 100. Af xumo wa qataar sister, example: maanta qofkasto uu meelenaya gabdaha persian wa easy because of generalization, ma saas rabta Dumarka Somaalida la ka hadlo?(it's allready like that on the net)

[Jacaylbaro]

I must say you know nothing about people here niyow. ,,,,,, Ok ,, lemme shut my big mouth bal.

[Ibtisam]

^^^^Lool. YEs please do; Ceebeta yaar qaari haadab.

 

Adam Somalia is not Thailand, for many reasons. And Thailand is not THAT bad as a society, just some lose elements.

 

I don't want to ruin Caadan thread, so I'll tell you another time inshallah.

[Ms DD]

Adam

The people are hungry over there. A Lot of things are available. Men from abroad is the big prize. A forienger is even greater trophy. I know why you feel the way you do though, however because of the poverty in the country, they do a lot things they dont particularly feel proud.

[Miriam1]

I am curious to ask, was the first person who introduced you to Islam a Somali? I can't think of any other reason why you limit yourself so, when looking for partners.

There is absolutely nothing special about Somali women, look beyond and find that person who fit.

Listen good luck, but certainly like others said you need time off, a break to reevaluate your life and make some changes that benefit YOU.

[Chimera]

Yeah Somalia has problems that stimulates poverty hence sisters who have lost everything will look for the brother that has 'everything'(a place like Japan has everything a person could dream off and more but you can still find girls that go specificly after foreigners both Japanese diasporic men and non Japanese men but they are a minority just like in our case) not all Somali women in Somalia are women without a large family network. many of them have the opportunity to leave Somalia(my female relatives at least) but there not interested, could it be that they love their life as it is? could it be they want to raise a family in a place they grew up as kids? seriously i don't think most people consider Somali women as 'individuals' with their own minds capable of doing things any normal person can, just a while ago my friend was laughing at loud at a passing car and i asked why are you laughing and he was like: that was a Somali woman driving that car and he continued laughing, i personally inside was quite shocked but it did reveal something to me and that is our sisters are underestimated in many ways. In this case there love for Somalia and a born and bred brother is underestimated