Humour: Here's why the Iranians hate us

[Haaraahur.]

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Here's why the Iranians hate us

 

During the recent Iranian hostage crisis I read several articles by Middle East experts which stated that the Iranians have a distorted idea about the power of the UK and its ability to secretly manipulate their affairs. The average Iranian apparently sees the hand of the British empire behind even the most banal crisis such as their toaster getting glued up with cheese or their losing one glove.

 

This is partly justified because at one time this country did cause tremendous upheaval in what was called Persia. We invaded it in 1941 to secure oil supplies and in 1953, with the CIA, we deposed the elected president, Muhammad Mossadegh, and replaced him with the weak-kneed Shah. The Shah created his brutal secret police, the Savak, whose torture and repression led to the civil unrest that in turn brought Ayatollah Khomeini to power.

 

Mossadegh's crime was that he thought he might like the profits from the oil taken from his country to go back to his country. This didn't suit the Anglo Iranian Oil Company (now BP), and so he was got rid of.

 

More than anything else, though, the reason the average Iranian thinks Britain has an infinite capacity for evil is that until recently the only car you could buy in Iran was a local version of that epitome of motoring excellence, the Hillman Hunter, known as the "Paykan".

 

So grateful was he to us, that the Shah did an exclusive deal with what was then called the Rootes Group so that the only car sold in Iran was the poxy Hunter. I know if anybody forced me to drive a Hillman Hunter in 2007 it would make me want to overthrow the government and replace it with a Shia theocracy, but it might also convince me that they had powers of extraordinary evil.

 

And it wasn't just clapped out old cars that we forced on the Persians. Have you ever wondered where all the Millets shops went? When I was in my late teens there were Millets in every town, then suddenly they all seemed to vanish.

 

That's right, you've guessed it, under the Shah the only clothes shops that were allowed were Millets and that's why, until recently, every male Iranian dressed as if he'd just stepped off a miners' picket line in 1974, Bri-Nylon flared trousers, strange tartan bum-freezer jacket and platform boots. Indeed, President Ahmadinejad's trademark shortie anorak, (a huge fashion hit in Iran) is a classic Millets design from 1973 and was originally worn by racing driver James Hunt and the Bay City Rollers.

 

Nowadays, Iran has started making cars of their own designs. Studying my World Cars catalogue I see that they make a fairly mad-looking saloon called the Iran Khodro Samand Sarir and a lumpy hatchback called the Saipa 141 Liftback. So, just as people have been apologising for slavery, we could make amends to the Iranians by buying their cars. I have myself put in an order for a nice blue Morattab Pazhan 3000 GLV from the Morattab Industrial Manufacturing Co, Jomhuri Avenue, Tehran, Iran. I suggest that when the Government renews its car fleet for, say, the Home Office, they buy Kish Khodro Sinad IIs. Then the ayatollahs will really know we are sorry for interfering.

 

Hillman Hunter

 

Samand Sarir

[Urban]

Sounds like something Jeremy Clarkson would write..