Nato: Get out of the Way Afghans

[Ibtisam]

In a desperate bid to stem a burgeoning public relations disaster, Nato has issued an open letter to civilians in Afghanistan urging them to "stiffen [their] efforts to get out of the way of Nato ordnance". The letter was published just hours after the latest in a series of misplaced Nato airstrikes that has caused civilian carnage in the war-ravaged central Asian republic.

 

The letter, published in several newspapers in Afghanistan and available on Nato's website, reminds Afghans that "it is [their] civic responsibility to exercise the greatest due diligence practicable in avoiding such bombs, rockets, shells, and other explosive devices as may be inadvertently hurled in [their] general direction." The letter went on to say, "Nato regrets the deplorable lack of effort devoted by Afghan civilians to their own survival, which has substantially contributed to the recent unfortunate series of events."

 

Nato's website offers a series of "handy bomb avoidance tips", including such tactics as "run", "run faster", and "run like your hair is on fire". "Civilians are advised to avoid hiding in structures of any kind, as these may be considered legitimate military targets." However, the website also urges citizens to "avoid the out-of-doors, as fleeing persons may be deemed to be terrorist suspects". The site's webmaster admitted to DeadBrain, "There are still a few glitches, but we're pretty proud of this effort."

 

"This is the most proactive civilian outreach that any military organisation has carried out in human history," proclaimed General Douglas Macarthur Ramsbottom, head of Nato's Collateral Damage Management office, before a roomful of sceptical reporters yesterday. "After this aggressive public safety campaign, we can now safely say that any further casualties will be the responsibility of the wounded or deceased persons themselves." Ramsbottom rejected the suggestion that Nato's careless use of firepower might have contributed to civilian casualty figures in Afghanistan, dismissing the idea as "the whingeing of a few nancy liberal".

 

However, an internal draft report recently obtained by us suggests severe internal debate on this very point has been occurring within Nato. The report, entitled "There is an Enormous Number of Civilians in Afghanistan" , notes that "contrary to all available intelligence estimates prior to the commencement of military operations, Afghanistan is fairly teeming with noncombatants. " The report states that "problems associated with carrying out military operations in such an environment have not yet been fully resolved." In a section entitled "The Way Forward", the report provides a series of recommendations, including seeking a "phased reduction in overall bloodshed to the extent consistent with military objectives".

 

"We had no ******* idea," said an airman who has flown Nato missions, speaking to DeadBrain on condition of anonymity. "Our commander told us that anything on two legs from here to the border is Taliban," the airman said, referring to the extremist group that controls large swathes of territory in southern Afghanistan. "Nobody told us about the ******* villages and the kids and all that."

 

Reaction to the Nato initiative has been decidedly mixed. Afghan President Hamid Karzai applauded the move as "an historic attempt to advance cooperation and understanding between East and West". However, a senior officer in Afghanistan' s beleaguered army dismissed the effort as "sheep shit". Gregory T Mullet, professor of punitive expeditionary thought at the University of Bootle, agreed that the effort "had the aroma of excrement", but was "unwilling to point the finger at any specific ruminant".

 

Paris Hilton was unavailable for comment at press time.

[Jacaylbaro]

So it is like:

 

I bomb you and you run away ,,,,, very simple

[Ibtisam]

^^YEp or as they put it:

"run", "run faster", and "run like your hair is on fire".

[Jacaylbaro]

The should stop bombing and killing the poor civilians so that they will not have to run like their hair is on fire ,,,,,,