Lack of preparation

[Faheema.]

Recently there have been a lot of discussions about Somali marriages and its failure. Whether is due to lack of commitment and family values, it’s problem that will keep on re-accruing as long as we keep taking marriage lightly. There is a lack of preparation prior to marriage; most Somalis just jump into the marriage boat like it’s a new trend, without realizing that this might be the most life changing decision that will ever have to make in their entire life. I don’t know about you, but that is a little scary and I wouldn’t want to regret this for the rest of my life.

 

There are many things you should consider when looking for the ideal husband/wife. Rather than marrying one for beauty, money or how intellectual he or she is, ask yourself… Why am I getting married ( Because all of my friends are' or my “biological clock†is ticking are not a legitimate reasons )& What am I looking for in a spouse?

 

 

if only Somali marriage conform to the objectives and the goal of marriage in Islam, ‘am sure there would be a decrease in divorce.

 

 

“Marriage is the deepest of bonds which Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) ties between one soul and another, so that they may enjoy peace, tranquility, stability and permitted pleasures. The wife is a source of refuge, security and rest for her husband in a marital home that is filled with sincere love and compassionate mercy. The truly-guided Muslim woman is the best one to understand this lofty meaning and to translate it into a pleasant and cheerful reality.â€

 

 

( And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts] . . .) (Qur’an 30:21)

 

Source

[nuune]

shayma,good point u made here,somalida waxay tiraahdaa GUUR IYO MAREEG GEELBA WAA LOO MEEREESTAA

 

waxaan oola jeedaa u don't know what the outcome will be,in this case calaf waaye wax kasta since many people don't believe that guurku inuu yahay calaf oo mid aadan filaneenin aad guursato kaasoo/taasoo aheen kii/tii aad jecleed,marka sidiisaba hadii laga hadlo jaceel waa baab kale laakiin when it comes 2 guur,it is calaf says odayaashii hore,and it right not 2 waste ur time for searching mr/ms perfect!

[Valenteenah.]

Salaam Shayma,

 

I think this topic relates directly to your SSM (Somali Single Mothers) topic and indirectly to Balsam's "I want to get married" discussions.

 

Recently there have been a lot of discussions about Somali marriages and its failure. Whether is due to lack of commitment and family values, it’s problem that will keep on re-accruing as long as we keep taking marriage lightly. There is a lack of preparation prior to marriage; most Somalis just jump into the marriage boat like it’s a new trend, without realising that this might be the most life changing decision that will ever have to make in their entire life.

I kinda agree, but I think there's a lot of other elements involved.

 

I have to run now, but I'll definitely come back and post my comments later Insha'Allah.

 

Good topic.

[Changed]

i would have to agree with u shyma, most somalis dont take time to get to know eachother before marriage, since shuukansi is considered a taboo, they just marry without knowing the person they are going to live the rest of their lives with, that is not the only reason that leads to them jumping to marriages but it is one of the main reasons.to get married to someone is being with them "till death do us apart" and that is not whats in the mind of most of the couples that get married these days ,they actually inform their freinds cheerfully before their they get married if i dont get along with him well there is courts,(what happened to working out problems) and since we are in the western countries patience is something we have forgotten...i have seen old somali couples that had their differences but worked it out cuz divorce was not an obtion.and when i say differences i mean the man used to brutally beat the women, or he never gave finincial support, or had other wives and spent most of the time with other three wives and not her, or just being there finincially and not being the phycally...

 

i do believe that people have to right to ask for divorce on exteme cases (ex..when beating is involved )but making it casual thing is wrong .....my advice would be know the person u are marrying atleast 1 to 2 year prior to the time u move in with them and u are their wife(being a wife comes with responsibilities).

As kid when marriage was mention and divorce came up i used to blush and cry (trust me am not making it up), now i say like most of us ladies do if i get marreid and i dont get along with him i would ask for divorce (hopefully that wont be the case with me )

[nelstar]

lets forget about stats for a while i dont really think they're that important.

 

if a marriage is worth saving than everythin on the right side of the law should be done to save it, but if it aint then there is no sense in carryin dead weight. life is short and you just gotta weigh up the pros and cons.

 

but divorce will always be the easier option, almost like cancelling satellite subscription or sumthin.

 

fight people, fight.

[Faheema.]

^^^ lol, I hope you're not promoting violence in the home

 

On a serious note, if the husband and wife are sincere in their desire to reconcile, there are countless ways in which they can put their marriage back on the right track.

 

 

fight people, fight.

[checkmate]

posted by shayma

There are many things you should consider when looking for the ideal husband/wife. Rather than marrying one for beauty, money or how intellectual he or she is, ask yourself… Why am I getting married ( Because all of my friends are' or my “biological clock†is ticking are not a legitimate reasons )& What am I looking for in a spouse?

Marriage is NOT a contract porposal and i doubt there are people in this age and time who fullfil their preparation requirments prior to their gettimg married. "what am i looking for in a spouce?" to think in such manner to me is completely ablivoius,your destiny is something you have no control of.

 

posted by PI

my advice would be know the person u are marrying atleast 1 to 2 year prior to the time u move in with them and u are their wife(being a wife comes with responsibilities).

wrong advice sis, you don't realy know any person who your dating until you wake up from the same bed next to him/her, that's when you really get to know each other...

 

 

asxantu

[Section6er]

See this kind of post is more thought povoking and can really get at the real issue of why such things do occur. Unfortunately many have not broaden their thoughts widen enough to admit such conclusion that are present in this thread.

[Diamante]

I'd like to start off my reply with this quote

you don't realy know any person who your dating until you wake up from the same bed next to him/her

I have to say that i agree very much with this quote. You can never really say that you know someone, without having lived with them. This is because whenever you meet eachother prior to getting married, the both of you are on your best behaviour. You won't notice eachother's faults, the little habits that one has and only shows when he/she is at home. This all becomes clear when you share a home/household.

Another thing is, when someone asks themselvs what am i looking for in a spouse, the requirements that you set up for yourself might not always be fullfilled, and in fact it may be very well be possible that you find someone exact the same opposite. You cannot always help whom you fall for, as it's not really in your hands. This might sound like a white chicks saying but, if you really think about it, there's a hint of truth in it.

All in all, it is true that you have to get to know the person well before you to decide to elope, but one or two years is often too much, and it's un-islamic anyway, so why wish all that danbi on yourself? And after that two years of courtship, will there be marriage or will it be wasted years?

[Faheema.]

Originally posted by

CHECKMATE

 

Marriage is NOT a contract porposal and i doubt there are people in this age and time who fullfil their preparation requirments prior to their gettimg married. "what am i looking for in a spouce?" to think in such manner to me is completely ablivoius,your destiny is something you have no control of.

I understand where you’re coming from walalo, but marriage isn’t something one should rush to either, it comes with a lot of responsibilities and when I say you need to “prepare†I mean, mentally and spiritually before committing.

 

Haa calaf wuu jiraa lakiin, shouldn’t one be looking for certain qualities in a spouse? For example, is he/she attentive, lenient or and religious? You might not be able to find all the qualities you would like in one, but there must be something that makes you to want to commit to that person for the rest of your life. Surely you don’t just get married for the sake of marrying.