Can't a gal give to a guy?

[QUANTUM LEAP]

Of late, in fact for some months now, I have been giving my time (which I happen to have plenty of currently), my food, my ears, my home, my effort to those around me. It's not that I don’t normally help but I’ve been making an extra-conscious effort to give. And it may be clichéd but I've received far more in return and enjoyed the experience.

 

 

Self conscious of what you are lucking in terms of being charitable and trying to make yourself feel good by helping a helpless old man. So you adapt this old man who happens to be frail and doesn’t seem to be like someone who has ulterior motives. The perfect charity case.

 

 

Except(did you hear it coming?) when I got very sick just after Eid and could only think of me, myself and I- when there weren't fever-induced thoughts overwhelming me.

 

 

Could that be a wake up call for you to re-evaluate your whole lifestyle and do some good….

 

 

As soon as I could walk in a straight line again, I dropped by a 70 year old neighbour of mine. This is someone whom I have been looking out for (although he'd kill me if I was obvious with it as he's a proud man) and helping. He too has been helpful to me. In fact, he was organising a day trip for a big group of women and himself when I got sick. The trip hadn't been finalised when I got ill; I remained house-bound for 3 days. Meanwhile, the trip had gone ahead and he was wondering why I hadn't let him know if I had suddenly decided not to go. I explained that I was very sick and apologised but he gave me a clear indication that I was obliged to him in some way. I was surprised and decided to reduce the time and the help that I offered him. Something unhealthy was in the air.

 

 

Would you be happy if someone you cared for didn’t even call you for help when you always giving a helping hand to them all the time. I know I would feel a bit awkward knowing a great buddy of mine was almost dying and couldn’t even ask for help.

 

Yesterday I drop in again to say hello and I get a less than warm reception. For the next five minutes I listen to him complain and contradict himself and work himself into an agitated state. Where have you been? I'm angry with you. I knew you were sick but not that sick.

 

 

Perhaps he is more caring than you think he does …after all you do look after him and so maybe he thought he would do the same for you had you told him. A feeling of being guilty may have overwhelmed him and turned him sour.

 

 

X(another old man) mentioned that he saw you and I was surprised. I wondered if he goes to your house, not that it's any of my business but still I asked him and he said no, he'd seen you in the street a couple of times. And Y asked about you and I said I don't know where that woman is or what her story is. I was thinking why doesn't this woman have a phone, she could have called me and told me she wasn't going on the trip, you're obliged to me you know.

 

 

Truly the green eyed monster rare its head….he is assuming that you need his permission for your other pursuits and probably sees himself as the father figure if not a contender for your unflinching help seen in his eyes as love.

 

I wanted to send an email(with my help) and I waited and I waited for you and in the end I said to hell with her…..

 

 

You could be reading him wrong and may just create a scenario of beeps as you said. The good Samaritan in this case could become the hated neighbour.

 

Ya Ilaahi. To hell with her aa? To hell with her? I let him talk and talk so I can get a better idea of what's bugging him and all I can come up with is: the man obviously mistakes me for his Genie in the Lamp, his Meals on Wheels, his Santa's Elf, his mother, his his..

 

 

Well I’m afraid he is comfortable and knows that he can rely on you. You have selflessly helped him without asking for anything in return so basically you are the genie in his eyes and as Somalis tend to do (unappreciative), he takes you for granted and wont know better.

 

He always tells me he has a very bad temper and in his agitated state and mine I know that an explosive argument is about to erupt. So I don't comment but take it all in. It seems a person can't make kind gestures without them turning into bloody obligations followed by expectations and then demands! All the beauty got sucked out of it. I leave and tell a woman I know. 'May be he wants you', she says, 'and he can't handle that you're not around him as much'.

 

 

He sure knows how to keep you on your toes…Temper

 

Stop everything. Can't a gal give to a guy without it turning into a boy-girl situation? I don't know what is going through this old man's mind regarding me but in mine there is only the desire to help a sick, lonely, old man. Was I naive? Do men always see kind gestures as possible pairings-up? Is it that men don't give to one another as often as women do and when a woman gives to a man and she's not a mother or a sister, she can only be a potential significant other? Is that it? Do men accept gestures from women without expecting more?

 

 

No you were not naïve to help and yes you were naïve to think a 70 year old frail man wouldn’t want or desire a very caring lady like you not that…that’s what you had in mind but you got to give yourself credit for being his creature of comfort and of cause making his life much more brighter. You may just be his object of desire though in his case I’m not so sure he could do anything about it.

 

I hate stereotyping and talking in 'All men are..' sentences but twice in the last couple of months I've been faced with this dilemma. One guy shocked me so much I practically ran for it; and I'm still running.

 

Not all guys have ulterior motives but then again once you get to know a person you sometimes get to like them more than you thought you would and that in itself is not a bad thing. However why cant a lady like you stand your ground instead of running. Try talking to them and making it clear that you are not interested and if they tried it on once again they would lose you as a friend.

 

As for this old guy, I don't want to think he sees me as anything other than a daughter and the thought of him seeing me as more makes me quite sick to the stomach.

 

Well the best you can do is tell him that you are only helping out and that he is not your responsibility nor you being his responsibility other than being neighbourly and helping out someone who could be your father/grandfather.

 

All I know for sure is that he has annoyed me quite considerably and I want him to know that I am not his little errand girl or his posession.

 

You are right it is quite annoying but perhaps she thinks of you as someone who cares and just maybe he is trying to play a guardian role. Right vibes but wrong assumptions….Surely at 70, he is not thinking of you as………….

 

However, I don't want to have an explosive argument with a proud old man who will tell me to beep off in no uncertain terms. I don't want anybody to have the satisfaction of telling me to beep off, least of all an old man whom I'll find difficult to disrespect. Perhaps I will send him a note with my thoughts. He has transgressed and needs to know.

 

 

You may not only hurt his feelings but you would feel guilty too somehow…so better to avoid him if that’s what you feel is the right thing to do.

 

So tell me guys, do I save my gestures for the women in the community and blank the men entirely? Is it possible for a gal to give to a guy and not have to worry how he will take it?

 

Confused.

 

 

I would do the same but I would also put myself in his shoes just to try to work out what he is thinking about. Ofcouse you would know what his motives are by now. Tough call!

[sheherazade]

Originally posted by QUANTUM LEAP:

 

 

Self conscious of what you are lucking in terms of being charitable and trying to make yourself feel good by helping a helpless old man. So you adapt this old man who happens to be frail and doesn’t seem to be like someone who has ulterior motives. The perfect charity case.

 

I wouldn't call him a charity case. Yes, I have been making more of an effort because I suddenly realised I had time on my hands that I could use more appropriately. It doesn't mean I wasn't charitable before. Quite the contrary, I am known as a giving person. I didn't help to make myself feel good; it was about what I could do for him because I

could

.

...........

 

Except(did you hear it coming?) when I got very sick just after Eid and could only think of me, myself and I- when there weren't fever-induced thoughts overwhelming me.

 

 

Could that be a wake up call for you to re-evaluate your whole lifestyle and do some good….

 

Perhaps you misunderstood me. I was very sick for 3 days- to the point where people were helping me stand up, sit up and eat. 3 days when I am incapable of moving let alone helping myself, let alone helping another being hardly requires a lifestyle re-think!!

 

......

As soon as I could walk in a straight line again, I dropped by a 70 year old neighbour of mine. This is someone whom I have been looking out for (although he'd kill me if I was obvious with it as he's a proud man) and helping. He too has been helpful to me. In fact, he was organising a day trip for a big group of women and himself when I got sick. The trip hadn't been finalised when I got ill; I remained house-bound for 3 days. Meanwhile, the trip had gone ahead and he was wondering why I hadn't let him know if I had suddenly decided not to go. I explained that I was very sick and apologised but he gave me a clear indication that I was obliged to him in some way. I was surprised and decided to reduce the time and the help that I offered him. Something unhealthy was in the air.

 

 

Would you be happy if someone you cared for didn’t even call you for help when you always giving a helping hand to them all the time. I know I would feel a bit awkward knowing a great buddy of mine was almost dying and couldn’t even ask for help.

 

Nope, I wouldn't be happy. I'd would have told him but I do NOT have a telephone and he KNOWS that! He also heard from one of the neighbours that I was very sick and yet I didn't see him sending me a get well message through her or him dropping by to see how I was. On the other hand, he sends notes through other people when it's something he needs! He is mobile and sharp but chose not to make that small effort. Yet I'm sure he cares.

..........

 

Yesterday I drop in again to say hello and I get a less than warm reception. For the next five minutes I listen to him complain and contradict himself and work himself into an agitated state. Where have you been? I'm angry with you. I knew you were sick but not that sick.

 

 

Perhaps he is more caring than you think he does …after all you do look after him and so maybe he thought he would do the same for you had you told him. A feeling of being guilty may have overwhelmed him and turned him sour.

 

Like I said, I was too sick to think of the possiblity of passing a note to him through the neighbours. I'm afraid the thought didn't occur to me as I wasn't myself but I went to apologise as soon as I was up and about. As for the days after that, I chose not to go see him and it bugged him. I don't believe it's guilt kicking in. It's possessiveness. He was wondering where I was and I wasn't alleviating his strain. Bad girl. Slap on wrist.

...........

 

X(another old man) mentioned that he saw you and I was surprised. I wondered if he goes to your house, not that it's any of my business but still I asked him and he said no, he'd seen you in the street a couple of times. And Y asked about you and I said I don't know where that woman is or what her story is. I was thinking why doesn't this woman have a phone, she could have called me and told me she wasn't going on the trip, you're obliged to me you know.

 

 

Truly the green eyed monster rare its head….he is assuming that you need his permission for your other pursuits and probably sees himself as the father figure if not a contender for your unflinching help seen in his eyes as love.

 

I agree. I already have a father and I don't need a bumbling jealous Romeo in my life. So he's just going to have to recognise..

....

 

I wanted to send an email(with my help) and I waited and I waited for you and in the end I said to hell with her…..

 

 

You could be reading him wrong and may just create a scenario of beeps as you said. The good Samaritan in this case could become the hated neighbour.

 

How was I to know that he needed help sending an email? He waited for me when there are others he could have called upon. I KNOW he'll lose his temper. There isn't a single person that I know he knows that he hasn't howled at and humiliated. That's why he always wonders out loud why we haven't had a row yet. I hate rows and avoid them if I can- that's why we muddle on. I'm under no illusions as to his ability to lose it.

 

...

 

Ya Ilaahi. To hell with her aa? To hell with her? I let him talk and talk so I can get a better idea of what's bugging him and all I can come up with is: the man obviously mistakes me for his Genie in the Lamp, his Meals on Wheels, his Santa's Elf, his mother, his his..

 

 

Well I’m afraid he is comfortable and knows that he can rely on you. You have selflessly helped him without asking for anything in return so basically you are the genie in his eyes and as Somalis tend to do (unappreciative), he takes you for granted and wont know better.

 

Yup. True. Except he's not Somali, so what's his excuse?

..........

 

He always tells me he has a very bad temper and in his agitated state and mine I know that an explosive argument is about to erupt. So I don't comment but take it all in. It seems a person can't make kind gestures without them turning into bloody obligations followed by expectations and then demands! All the beauty got sucked out of it. I leave and tell a woman I know. 'May be he wants you', she says, 'and he can't handle that you're not around him as much'.

 

 

He sure knows how to keep you on your toes…Temper

 

Sure. I hate explosive arguments. He could have picked up on that.

....

 

Stop everything. Can't a gal give to a guy without it turning into a boy-girl situation? I don't know what is going through this old man's mind regarding me but in mine there is only the desire to help a sick, lonely, old man. Was I naive? Do men always see kind gestures as possible pairings-up? Is it that men don't give to one another as often as women do and when a woman gives to a man and she's not a mother or a sister, she can only be a potential significant other? Is that it? Do men accept gestures from women without expecting more?

 

 

No you were not naïve to help and yes you were naïve to think a 70 year old frail man wouldn’t want or desire a very caring lady like you not that…that’s what you had in mind but you got to give yourself credit for being his creature of comfort and of cause making his life much more brighter. You may just be his object of desire though in his case I’m not so sure he could do anything about it.

 

OK, so all men are sex-driven creatures and I'll treat them as such from now on?

 

....

I hate stereotyping and talking in 'All men are..' sentences but twice in the last couple of months I've been faced with this dilemma. One guy shocked me so much I practically ran for it; and I'm still running.

 

Not all guys have ulterior motives but then again once you get to know a person you sometimes get to like them more than you thought you would and that in itself is not a bad thing. However why cant a lady like you stand your ground instead of running. Try talking to them and making it clear that you are not interested and if they tried it on once again they would lose you as a friend.

 

Simply because I don't want to have an argument with the chap.

...

 

As for this old guy, I don't want to think he sees me as anything other than a daughter and the thought of him seeing me as more makes me quite sick to the stomach.

 

Well the best you can do is tell him that you are only helping out and that he is not your responsibility nor you being his responsibility other than being neighbourly and helping out someone who could be your father/grandfather.

 

OK, will do.

....

 

All I know for sure is that he has annoyed me quite considerably and I want him to know that I am not his little errand girl or his posession.

 

You are right it is quite annoying but perhaps she thinks of you as someone who cares and just maybe he is trying to play a guardian role. Right vibes but wrong assumptions….Surely at 70, he is not thinking of you as………….

 

But above you said, '..you were naïve to think a 70 year old frail man wouldn’t want or desire a very caring lady like you'. It has to be one or the other.

....

 

However, I don't want to have an explosive argument with a proud old man who will tell me to beep off in no uncertain terms. I don't want anybody to have the satisfaction of telling me to beep off, least of all an old man whom I'll find difficult to disrespect. Perhaps I will send him a note with my thoughts. He has transgressed and needs to know.

 

 

You may not only hurt his feelings but you would feel guilty too somehow…so better to avoid him if that’s what you feel is the right thing to do.

 

I'm not that much of a wus to disappear without saying why. It would be rude and unfair.

....

 

So tell me guys, do I save my gestures for the women in the community and blank the men entirely? Is it possible for a gal to give to a guy and not have to worry how he will take it?

 

Confused.

 

I would do the same but I would also put myself in his shoes just to try to work out what he is thinking about. Ofcouse you would know what his motives are by now. Tough call!

 

I am trying to see it from his side. What are the chances he's trying to put himself in my shoes? If you can't excuse someone for not getting in touch because they were sick, what kind of empathy must you have?

 

Thank you very much. I do appreciate the feedback.

[QUANTUM LEAP]

Nicely put and sorry too that you were once pretty sick. 'hope you have recovered fully somehow.

 

My answers and interpretations where actually based on what you wrote and nothing else. Just reading between the lines as they say..