Can't a gal give to a guy?

[sheherazade]

I need your thoughts on this- especially the men and please be semi-serious at the very least.

 

Of late, in fact for some months now, I have been giving my time (which I happen to have plenty of currently), my food, my ears, my home, my effort to those around me. It's not that I don’t normally help but I’ve been making an extra-conscious effort to give. And it may be clichéd but I've received far more in return and enjoyed the experience. Except(did you hear it coming?) when I got very sick just after Eid and could only think of me, myself and I- when there weren't fever-induced thoughts overwhelming me.

 

As soon as I could walk in a straight line again, I dropped by a 70 year old neighbour of mine. This is someone whom I have been looking out for (although he'd kill me if I was obvious with it as he's a proud man) and helping. He too has been helpful to me. In fact, he was organising a day trip for a big group of women and himself when I got sick. The trip hadn't been finalised when I got ill; I remained house-bound for 3 days. Meanwhile, the trip had gone ahead and he was wondering why I hadn't let him know if I had suddenly decided not to go. I explained that I was very sick and apologised but he gave me a clear indication that I was obliged to him in some way. I was surprised and decided to reduce the time and the help that I offered him. Something unhealthy was in the air.

 

Yesterday I drop in again to say hello and I get a less than warm reception. For the next five minutes I listen to him complain and contradict himself and work himself into an agitated state. Where have you been? I'm angry with you. I knew you were sick but not that sick. X(another old man) mentioned that he saw you and I was surprised. I wondered if he goes to your house, not that it's any of my business but still I asked him and he said no, he'd seen you in the street a couple of times. And Y asked about you and I said I don't know where that woman is or what her story is. I was thinking why doesn't this woman have a phone, she could have called me and told me she wasn't going on the trip, you're obliged to me you know. I wanted to send an email(with my help) and I waited and I waited for you and in the end I said to hell with her…..

 

Ya Ilaahi. To hell with her aa? To hell with her? I let him talk and talk so I can get a better idea of what's bugging him and all I can come up with is: the man obviously mistakes me for his Genie in the Lamp, his Meals on Wheels, his Santa's Elf, his mother, his his..

 

He always tells me he has a very bad temper and in his agitated state and mine I know that an explosive argument is about to erupt. So I don't comment but take it all in. It seems a person can't make kind gestures without them turning into bloody obligations followed by expectations and then demands! All the beauty got sucked out of it. I leave and tell a woman I know. 'May be he wants you', she says, 'and he can't handle that you're not around him as much'.

 

Stop everything. Can't a gal give to a guy without it turning into a boy-girl situation? I don't know what is going through this old man's mind regarding me but in mine there is only the desire to help a sick, lonely, old man. Was I naive? Do men always see kind gestures as possible pairings-up? Is it that men don't give to one another as often as women do and when a woman gives to a man and she's not a mother or a sister, she can only be a potential significant other? Is that it? Do men accept gestures from women without expecting more?

 

I hate stereotyping and talking in 'All men are..' sentences but twice in the last couple of months I've been faced with this dilemma. One guy shocked me so much I practically ran for it; and I'm still running. As for this old guy, I don't want to think he sees me as anything other than a daughter and the thought of him seeing me as more makes me quite sick to the stomach. All I know for sure is that he has annoyed me quite considerably and I want him to know that I am not his little errand girl or his posession. However, I don't want to have an explosive argument with a proud old man who will tell me to beep off in no uncertain terms. I don't want anybody to have the satisfaction of telling me to beep off, least of all an old man whom I'll find difficult to disrespect. Perhaps I will send him a note with my thoughts. He has transgressed and needs to know.

 

So tell me guys, do I save my gestures for the women in the community and blank the men entirely? Is it possible for a gal to give to a guy and not have to worry how he will take it?

 

Confused.

[NGONGE]

I’m afraid to say that you have been naïve, my dear.

 

Your intentions are great but you’re going about it the wrong way. In wanting to give and help you seem to give it one hundred per cent effort! Nothing wrong with that on it’s own. After all, if you’re going to help someone, you might as well make sure that you’ve done your best. Where you make the mistake is in the fact that you reveal to these people that this is something you HAVE to do. Besides, from reading your words, this does not sound like a passing gesture (as you put it), this is a full-time job! It’s not surprising then that these people will grow accustomed to it and are disappointed when you don’t turn up.

 

I wouldn’t want to comment on the old man’s motives here. I have not met him or seen the way he looks at you. I’m sure you can though; does he look at you with lust in his eyes? (Pardon the question). If not, then he might just be a lonely old man who got used to you and this is his clumsy way to show his disappointment! You’ve already said that he’s a proud old man! Maybe that pride is what’s stopping him from getting on his knees and begging for help, maybe it’s what’s stopping him from coming out straight and telling you that he really is useless?

 

Your efforts are admirable and purpose is commendable, however, try to stay away from the path of men of all ages. The old man might have been frail, old and weak but as long as his mind is in good working order, he’s not different to a twenty-year-old boy. Would you be as close to a twenty-year-old boy?

 

Now, to your question about men seeing every boy-girl situation as a possible pairing up. Heh. I’m not sure that this is a “man†trait (though it’s probably more evident with men). Let us say that I was this old man that you were helping. Let us say that I’m lonely too. You on the other hand are this beautiful young lady who comes and helps me everyday. Nobody in this world helps me as much as you do. Nobody in the world spend their time and energy on me like you do. I’ve grown attached to you. I enjoy your company. I think you’re the greatest woman ever. I completely and utterly rely on you. A small thought enters my mind! At first it’s just a passing silly thought. Could it be that you’re helping me because you’ve seen something you’ve liked about me? Naah, it can’t be! I’m old, weak and almost crippled. What have I got to offer you in return? Why would you fall for an old man like me? But, hang on! There you go again bending over backwards in trying to help me. I’m more than capable of doing this on me own, why do it for me? Could it be? Could it be? Nay, it can’t. You’re young, beautiful, and intelligent and there are millions of better and intelligent guys out there for you to pick, why would you choose an old and weak man like me? But, I’ve seen you look at me. I’ve seen the gentle way you treat me. Your eyes are full of love and caring! The other old men tease me about you and make hints that this young filly might be interested in this old stud after all! Could they be right? For weeks, nay, months I sat here thinking about this, I’m not sure if you have feelings for me (though I suspect you do) but, I know that I have feelings for you! I might be old of body but I’m still young of heart and mind. With you, life is interesting. I look forward to your visits and get upset and melancholic when you don’t come. I get jealous when I hear of you talking to other men. What if they steal you away from me? I’m your hostage and you’re my captivating subjugator, and no, I don’t suffer from the Stockholm syndrome!

 

This scenario is likely to work the other way round too. The combined power of loneliness, the desire to be “loved†and cared for, proximity, familiarity and trust are intensely romantic. They can easily turn a friendly situation into the beginnings of an amorous liaison (albeit a one-sided one).

 

Helping others is great. Not many people have the time or the goodwill. But those that do though, need to be very patient and never lose sight of their initial objective!

Many people appreciate the help you give them but there are many who are selfish, grumpy or just unable to communicate clearly. Sometimes, one finds that one has entangled oneself in a situation that goes beyond simple help. One should be able to disengage without feeling guilty or thinking that he’s letting people down. As for feeling confused, disappointed or even angry when people take your help and never show gratitude for it, this (though very understandable) is the wrong way to go about things. Always remember your goal. You help because it’s GOOD. You don’t help because of the gratitude (though it’s nice to see and hear). Letting the whims of those you help get on your nerves will separate you from your objective and bitterness will set in. It would be a great shame if you set out to be helpful and come out all angry and resentful (This is not a personal criticism, this is a general comment for any readers of this reply).

 

 

All in all, well done on being the nice person that you are, you slayer of old men’s hearts. ** Swoons **

 

** Has a feeling he’s going to regret all this “psychobabble†the next time he reads it **

 

** Shuts eyes and posts anyway **

 

PS

If you’re free on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Sunday evenings, we’re in need of a reliable babysitter here. Don’t you go on enchanting my little son though!

[Muhammad]

lol @ NGONGE's Responce!!

 

» sis sheheraade keep in mind this:

 

"Seek not a youth's hilarity in an old man

For the water gone from the brook returns no more.

When the harvest-time of a field arrives

It will no longer wave in the breeze like a young crop.

 

The period of youth has departed.

Alas, for those heart-enchanting times.

The force of the lion's claws is gone.

Now we are satisfied with cheese Eke a leopard."

[sheherazade]

Thank you for taking the time to respond, Ngonge. I help this person because I want to and he voices his appreciation; him showing gratitude is not the issue. What I don't like is to be made to feel like his (rude word goes here). I have been over-indulgent with my gestures to him and have decided to cut back if that's how he'll react. I don't do for him what he can do for himself- I'm not his mother. I help with what he can't do.

 

I don't know about his motives either. I don't suspect lust(shuddering at thought) but absolutely can not tolerate how he now expects me to be at his beck and call. I have been a willing participant in the give and take but am now going to extricate myself from it. I don't regret all the time or the help I gave but things are going to change. I'll stick with helping the ladies until I have no time on my hands like the good old days. Almost nostalgic for 12 hour work days and office politics.

 

Would you be as close to a twenty-year-old boy?

 

No, I would not. The younger they are, the more annoying I find them. I don't give my time to men but found this old man comfortable to be around and 'safe' if you know what I mean. Maybe there is no 'safe' when it comes to men. That's what you're saying, right? Delete all men except father and brothers and uncles. Not hard to do. Not that many to delete anyway. I've been trying not to generalise men and it seems I have to. And when I do generailse, I'm sure I'll be criticised for it. No winning with this one. Muddle on, somehow.

 

Don't think I can handle any more babysitting, mate. The men have been a damn handful as it is..

 

Muad, I don't think men are ever satisfied. There you go. Generalising and staying 'safe'.

[Valenteenah.]

^ Walaalo, the elderly are quite complicated. They hate the thought of having to rely on somebody for the simple things they used to be able to do so effortlessly only a little while ago. Haven't you noticed how some elderly women respond if you vacate your seat for them on a bus or train? I have had a tongue-lashing or two from a purple-rinsed old biddy more than once. Sometimes I wonder why I bother, but then I think of my own grandmother and great-grandmother.

 

There are great differences between our elderly and the ajinabi ones too. I'm not sure if the old guy you're talking about is Somali or not (probably Muslim tho, right?), but I find that ajinabi pensioners hardly accept your help, or even if they do, they are not the most gracious about it. While our older people act as if they deserve you help, like you're there solely for them. Probably because ajinabigu are far more independent. The majority live alone or in care homes even in their 80s and 90s, while ours are taken care of at home from the age of 60.

 

 

I Think, that in your case, he got too used to relying on you for so much, and when you didnt show up...well, it was probably a shock to him. Perhaps he realised how much you mean to him, and responded with anger at ur perceived abandonment. In any case, I think you should firmly explain to him that you can't be there all the time for him, but that you have no intention of abandoning him either. I think he's just lonely. I also think its unlikely that he has any inappropriate thoughts or feelings towards you.

 

What you're doing is wonderful, and because your dealing with people, especially old people, its only expected that things will be get very difficult at certain points. But you've got to hold steadfast. The satisfaction is worth it.

 

PS: You don't work for your local Help The Aged, do you? And if so, which Borough? If you don't mind me asking?

[NGONGE]

sheherazade,

Yes play it safe and avoid helping all men. Of course, I'm talking about the kind of help you were giving this old, man. Not some lost guy asking for directions, but you knew that, right?

 

PS

Don't listen to Bee. She thinks all old people are sweet and harmless awoowe and ayaayos who never have any sinful thoughts crossing their minds. Odey biiqay marko sabaaxadiyoo ayaay ogaan doonta (and I'm not talking about myself, thank you very much).

[Valenteenah.]

^ LoL...wateva, man.

 

Sweet and harmless, eh? Only sometimes. Mostly they're very frank and insightful. You could learn a thing or two from them NGONGE.

 

Also, they would have to catch me first before la i sabeexadeeyo.

[rudy-Diiriye]

sista!lol.. u messed up this ole chaps head! why! u only know! it aint a good idea though!

 

try may be ole ladies! cuz once a dude always dude

namean! same as u dont see u cat and mouse doing the high five...! this kind of relationship u described goes against nature!! it wont work!

[Caveman]

sheherazade

 

"So tell me guys, do I save my gestures for the women in the community and blank the men entirely? Is it possible for a gal to give to a guy and not have to worry how he will take it?"

 

I believe your intentions where pure, so I wouldn’t accuse you of stereotyping all old men as Grumpy. But, I think you should see these old men as what they really are regardless of old age, I can’t speak for all of them but I believe their natural instinct of being the opposite gender kicks into full force when they see a young lady offering them help. Just like it does when I try to offer my help to an old lady and her initial reaction is stubbornly cling to her purse.

 

 

Salam!

Later

[- Femme -]

Sheherazade although it might feel umcomfortable and the all the signs might point out that the old dude is having naughty thoughts for you, I dont think thats the case. He's lonely, has no family (Im assuming or they rarely visit) and probably few friends. I think your the one constant thing in his life, a kind and helpful person he can depend on.

 

Maybe he had a pretty bad day and he was lashing out on you or maybe he was just plain jealous. Who knows? But If this continues it could be a problem.

[Tuujiye]

LOL...I love SOL...

we talk about everything..

 

Wareer Badanaa!!!!

[Seeking Paradise]

^^I would think so....since this section is headed General :rolleyes:

 

Sheherasade:

Sis I think that the old man is just lonely and missed your company...and maybe the other old man who saw you on the street filled stories in his head and he got jealous?

[Deeq A.]

wrong forum

 

moved to WOMEN section.

[Thinkerman]

A Girl can Give to a Guy, but she musnt be naive as to leave the nature of the relationship in the Air, in your case i think you should try to clear the air with the old gent since it played on you mind so much. Get it off your chest n straighten things out with him

[sheherazade]

Thank you all for your responses.

 

Bee, no I don't work for Help the Aged. I once hung out with old, sick people and the women always had beautiful stories to tell of being a new mother in Borneo in the 1950s, India before partition, teaching in Turkey, moving from Sicilly in the 60s, Cyprus before separation...on and on and I absorbed it all quite nicely, story-lover that I am. The men merely grunted when I said hello. And that was fine by me, the storytellers were the women and off I went to seek them.

 

Ngonge, the old lost-boy routine doesn't work with me, however old or young they are. Men never ask for directions(generalisation) and when they do, I know not to hang about and be their A-Z. A very quick, 'That way' and I'm off.

 

Rudy, I messed up the old man's head? How did you work that one out? Did you see me flutter my eyelashes, wiggle my hips and pout seductively? You were watching the whole time. How kinky.

 

Caveman, a man is a man is a man is a man is a man, huh? Gotchya.

 

FF, if this continues it will not be a problem because he will not see me for the dust.

 

GT, I love SOL sometimes- especially when you can have a decent discussion. What are your thoughts on this?

 

DA, it's not General anymore but Admin knows best.

 

Totti, it has played on my mind so I'll have to sort it out. Giving to random men has never been part of my reality and now that it has been in a small way, it's becoming uncomfortable. No matter how I see another indivudual, I will never have control or knowledge of what they're thinking. I'll be giving you blokes a wide berth. Ha igu ag kufina, I won't be helping. You might get all dreamy-eyed and posessive. Find some totty to get potty about. I have women's stories to collect...