Fathers and sons.........and daughters

[Naden]

I had an interesting conversation with a couple of friends (siblings) whose father lives in South Africa.

 

They spent the better part of the last few years complaining about their 65+ year old father marrying another woman and now having 5 kids under the age of 8 that they send money back home to support. The complaints aren't about the money as much as they are about their (adult) relationship with their father.

 

We talk about fathers who know nothing about their kids' earlier years (school, birthdays, measles, all the childhood good stuff) but magically appear when their children are adults.

 

They wonder why they can't talk to their father like adults, tell him how they feel, how they can't afford to send money or don't want to send money. Conversations always go back to the reverence of parents/responsibility towards them in a culture. Do you think this reverence sometimes blocks an honest relationship with a father (or a mother)?

[Castro]

Full adult relationship? I'm afraid to ask what that means.

 

I think there's someting to what you say naden. Though you'd always be a child to your mother, in our culture, I think fathers are left to wonder just what they got themselves into. As you said, having missed all the younger years whether geographically away or mentally distant, they wake up one day only to find a 6' 3" dude with a beard that calls them "aabo". LOL. Forget an adult relationship, they don't even know what to say to their (now adult) kids. That's the price they pay for being absentee fathers. They can't reap what they neglected to sow.

[Naden]

:eek: :eek: :eek: Castro, I edited the phrase, I meant the ability to say leave me alone (or f*** off).

 

Funny thing about the 'nothing to say to each other'. Their conversations go like this:

 

Son: Iskawaran, aabo

Dad: Send me money

Son: Okay

Dad: Send it now

Son: Okay

Long Pause....long pause....long pause

Son: Dahabshiil or Amal

Dad: Dahabshiil

Son: Okay

 

It would be funny if it weren't so sad.

 

Originally posted by Castro:

Full adult relationship? I'm afraid to ask what that means.

[J.Lee]

@They can't reap what they neglected to sow

 

That reminds me of a G. Carlin joke.

 

My take on this is that: if you fear Allah then you should obey your parents and do right by them even if they neglect their duty to you.

 

Horta, does having a "healthy" relationship (read: being friends) with your parent/s really matter in the long scheme of things?

[Baluug]

Maybe they can't be bothered to make an effort with their children while they're growing up and need help, but after all the work is done and the kid's grown up, they start to get involved in their life because the father knows there's no more responsibility on his part?

 

Or maybe they think kids are annoying and that bringing them up is the mother's job? I dunno, but just guessing.

[Cara.]

Naden,

 

Do you think this reverence sometimes blocks an honest relationship with a father (or a mother)?

What do you mean by an honest relationship? I love my mom and dad, but they are my parents, not my friends or siblings. We don't run in the same circles, we don't have the same interests or concerns, and we don't always see eye to eye. That is a honest relationship. I would never begrudge them my money or respect, because there is something to the idea that they are our parents. They raised us, supported us and loved us for a couple of decades. Return the favor for a while.

 

As for absentee fathers, the above doesn't apply to them, so I think the child has some discretion in how to treat them. I think I would still support my dad if he didn't raise me, but it would be out of generosity, not filial love. And I imagine it is challenging to support a father and his 5 kids, but if I could do it I would. Those kids are my little brothers and sisters, after all.

[Castro]

^ So forgiving you are of your own father if he, at 65, would father a new generation of Callypsos with a different mother than your own and yet you rip Mr. Jibis in the other thread for advocating the same thing, more or less. You got some explaining to do.

 

If my dad pulled the same nonsense like that and he'd face chastisement like it was going out of style. What is it with these 65+ year olds getting the itch after having adult kids. How can an adult child have an adult relationship with his father who refuses to act like an adult? Just when does the bloody itch go away?

[Zafir]

Wow Castro sxb, I think you’re getting way ahead of your self. My father (mind you, am in the same predicament as naden story, though I don’t sent money) can do what he pleases. Just because he remarries at 65 doesn’t make him any less responsible. I certainly will not jump into boat to judge him; the man must have his rational reasons, but in my view whatever reason is understandable. We can have the best of adult relationship because he is my father, he is someone I admire and respect wholeheartedly.

[Naden]

Callypso,

 

By an honest relationship, I meant a relationship of equals as adults where thoughts can be expressed without guilt-tripping and intimidation. I agree that love and concern for one's parents are fundamental to that relationship.

 

In this particular story, the father clearly wants to bankroll his irresponsible choices using his adult children. As Castro asked, when does it end? This is only one person's story but the underlying sentiment is the same. Are parents exempt from being told the truth because we're raised a certain way in our culture? The truth in this case of siblings would be their ability to say we don't have any money to support a family of seven (and probably growing) in an expensive city.

 

Originally posted by Callypso:

Naden,

 

quote:

---

Do you think this reverence sometimes blocks an honest relationship with a father (or a mother)?

What do you mean by an honest relationship? I love my mom and dad, but they are my parents, not my friends or siblings. We don't run in the same circles, we don't have the same interests or concerns, and we don't always see eye to eye. That is a honest relationship. I would Those kids are my little brothers and sisters, after all.

[-Lily-]

I think if you can support your parents it is your duty to do so. My grandad never raised my mother but he married one woman after the next (never at the same time though)and she still supports him to this day. I mean he was a really absent father in every sense.

 

Having an honest adult relationship doesn't mean pouring your heart out, it doesn't mean being best friends or having shared a life time of being close with one another. It just would be nice for a parent to know what boters you, what you can and cannot do, these are simple things. If a father starts havig children at 65 it doesn't mean he is less responsible but clearly he isn't in a pysical state to provide for those children thus putting a burdon on his adult children who want to get on with their life.

 

It is sad that child/parent find each other as strangers who cannot talk to each other as adults.I think it is a cultural thing as well, children are encouraged to obey, respect and fear their father and not see him as a friend. Then again, our counterparts here have just as bad time with their parents.

 

Forgot other children, if my father ever married another woman whilst he is still married to my mother he would be lucky if he got 'hello' and 'goodbye'. That doesn't mean I would let him starve though.

[Valenteenah.]

I'm not as forgiving. An absentee father (you know the ones; they can impregnate but they don't want anything to do with the result until the result can bank-roll them) deserves an absentee child in return.

 

I would watch him and his other kids die of hunger. Haduu dhalay, he should look after them himself.

 

Arg...its only a hypothetical scenario but it truly makes my blood boil.

[- Femme -]

I think absentee fathers and husbands are an epidemic in the somali community. For some odd reason, they think they can better help their families if they leave them on their own and go work in some other country/state, send money once in a while, and visit a couple times of the year. What puzzles me though is why the women put up with that shidh? What is the point of getting married, setting house, having kids if he's going to bail out and live like some starving iskaabulo? Why would they want their kids to view their Dad's as strangers? How many times have I seen the akward meeting between kids and their dad's on one of his visits. It's painful. They're so shy and they don't know what to do with themselves. Its wrong, straight up. Family should never be sacrificed in the name of money. Ever.

 

At the end of the day though, our parents have responsiblities over us, which includes their livelihood. So you have to seperate your feelings from your moral and religous obligations. Suck it up and extend that hand.

 

Ahura,

 

Honey, those kids never asked to be born. You can't punish them for the dad's actions. Even hypothetically.

[Baluug]

Originally posted by Ahura:

I'm not as forgiving. An absentee father (you know the ones; they can impregnate but they don't want anything to do with the result until the result can bank-roll them) deserves an absentee child in return.

 

I would watch him and his other kids die of hunger. Haduu dhalay, he should look after them himself.

 

Arg...its only a hypothetical scenario but it truly makes my blood boil.

That's pretty cruel. It's also not the Islamic way, Allah SWT has told us to take care of out parents, no matter what, so if he wasn't around when the kid was little and then decides to show up when the kid is all grown up with a job, then leave the father to Allah SWT to judge, but remember that Allah SWT will judge you too, and I'm sure it won't look good when He asks you why you didn't take care of your father......

[Maf Kees]

Ahura.

 

Distancing from your absentee father, I can understand. But you would have a moral oligation towards your younger siblings. Unless you take the rivalry between the Bahs seriously, which I think you don't. Besides, it would be hypocritical punishining your dad for something you're doing yourself to your siblings.

[Castro]

Originally posted by Ahura:

Arg...its only a hypothetical scenario but it truly makes my blood boil.

Who said it's hypothetic? Though I know not this particular 65 year old itch, I know of others.

 

Sure, punish not your siblings for the folly of your sexaholic yet hands-off sperm donor, but freezing him emotionally is an appropriate response to a grave series of offences.

 

Kooleey, if women left behind by their so-called husbands begin subjecting all their kids to DNA testing to find parental lineage, those suspended-sentence fathers and dead-beats would come back running to save their pride and sharaf. Who are we kidding? They couldn't be sending that sperm via mail, could they? So as Digaalle would say, there's another pair of boots under that bed.