Marry Him (an article)

[- Femme -]

About six months after my son was born, he and I were sitting on a blanket at the park with a close friend and her daughter. It was a sunny summer weekend, and other parents and their kids picnicked nearby—mothers munching berries and lounging on the grass, fathers tossing balls with their giddy toddlers. My friend and I, who, in fits of self-empowerment, had conceived our babies with donor sperm because we hadn’t met Mr. Right yet, surveyed the idyllic scene.

 

“Ah, this is the dream,” I said, and we nodded in silence for a minute, then burst out laughing. In some ways, I meant it: we’d both dreamed of motherhood, and here we were, picnicking in the park with our children. But it was also decidedly not the dream. The dream, like that of our mothers and their mothers from time immemorial, was to fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after. Of course, we’d be loath to admit it in this day and age, but ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life, and she probably won’t tell you it’s a better career or a smaller waistline or a bigger apartment. Most likely, she’ll say that what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child).

 

To the outside world, of course, we still call ourselves feminists and insist—vehemently, even—that we’re independent and self-sufficient and don’t believe in any of that damsel-in-distress stuff, but in reality, we aren’t fish who can do without a bicycle, we’re women who want a traditional family. And despite growing up in an era when the centuries-old mantra to get married young was finally (and, it seemed, refreshingly) replaced by encouragement to postpone that milestone in pursuit of high ideals (education! career! but also true love!), every woman I know—no matter how successful and ambitious, how financially and emotionally secure—feels panic, occasionally coupled with desperation, if she hits 30 and finds herself unmarried.

 

Oh, I know—I’m guessing there are single 30-year-old women reading this right now who will be writing letters to the editor to say that the women I know aren’t widely representative, that I’ve been co-opted by the cult of the feminist backlash, and basically, that I have no idea what I’m talking about. And all I can say is, if you say you’re not worried, either you’re in denial or you’re lying. In fact, take a good look in the mirror and try to convince yourself that you’re not worried, because you’ll see how silly your face looks when you’re being disingenuous.

 

Whether you acknowledge it or not, there’s good reason to worry. By the time 35th-birthday-brunch celebrations roll around for still-single women, serious, irreversible life issues masquerading as “jokes” creep into public conversation: Well, I don’t feel old, but my eggs sure do! or Maybe this year I’ll marry Todd. I’m not getting any younger! The birthday girl smiles a bit too widely as she delivers these lines, and everyone laughs a little too hard for a little too long, not because we find these sentiments funny, but because we’re awkwardly acknowledging how unfunny they are. At their core, they pose one of the most complicated, painful, and pervasive dilemmas many single women are forced to grapple with nowadays: Is it better to be alone, or to settle?

 

My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It’s hard to maintain that level of zing when the conversation morphs into discussions about who’s changing the diapers or balancing the checkbook.)

 

read rest of article here

 

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So, quite a few interesting points are raised here by the author. I agree with not having too high expectations and not letting the idea of waiting for 'true love/soulmate/the one' make you miss out on some great guys/gals but I don't know what she means by settling. I guess it depends on which areas an individual 'settles'. What do you think? Ladies woud you 'settle' if you reached your late thirties and in what areas?

[Hayat]

gosh talk about a depressing read. ok i thought the whole "i dont need a guy" thing was a phase which was reflective of immaturity observed in men residing in our community. It was something to get over- but to carry such ideals forget about ur thirties but above the 20s is a cause for concern. i feel the pressure to marry now, i dont know how i could heck it in that age range. u would have to live a non-somali residence for once.

[-Lily-]

I understand no one is perfect and not everyone might get lucky and marry someone they love but to demean marriage life and the role of a husband to a ‘ decent guy who takes out the trash and sets up the baby gear, and he provides a second income that allows you to spend time with your child instead of working 60 hours a week to support a family on your own—how much does it matter whether the guy you marry is The One? ’ is totally pathetic. It is not about sharing your life with someone, rather it is about her own needs. She is trying to convince herself that the bad choices she made were in fact good ones.

As for children, they will eventually grow up and leave you but it’s the person you’ve married who is supposed to stick around.

[Chocolate and Honey]

I understand no one is perfect and not everyone might get lucky and marry someone they love but to demean marriage life and the role of a husband to a ‘ decent guy who takes out the trash and sets up the baby gear, and he provides a second income that allows you to spend time with your child instead of working 60 hours a week to support a family on your own—how much does it matter whether the guy you marry is The One? ’ is totally pathetic. It is not about sharing your life with someone, rather it is about her own needs. She is trying to convince herself that the bad choices she made were in fact good ones.

As for children, they will eventually grow up and leave you but it’s the person you’ve married who is supposed to stick around.

Couldn't have said it better. I read this before somewhere.This is nothing but the opinion of a bitter woman who is unsatisfied with the choices she made. You should marry for love and you deserve intense, passionate, crazy,complicated love that raises your temperature exponentially . Marry awhat! a decent guy who brings a second income and takes the trash out kulahaa. Give me a break :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[Nephissa]

Originally posted by Femme Fatale:

My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection.

It is FAR better to be alone than to 'settle' for someone who does not make your toes curl. But I can understand why some women settle for anything. Some just like the milk...if the cow is willing to give...a win-win situation?

[Miriam1]

^ don't know about that, I am sure I will get a nice feeling in my heart, when the options before me in my old age are,between staying in my home with my husband or living with one of my children...instead of which nursing home can I afford.

 

I liked this article, and I didn't get the feeling that she was advocating for women of a certain age to settle for the "awful" but simply that, when you wait to long, thats what is out there.

What is wrong with settling down with a guy who is your best freind or sorts, like she said someone who is willing to stick with you, take care of the kids and be around when they are gone.

Does big romance exist? sure it does for some but not everyone is lucky, and some have to grow to love the person they chose, I think for this to happen you have to be openminded and the person has to be a sincerely good person who wants to be a husband and a father.

I loved her example of Aiden in Sex and the City, I truly hated that show after she dumped him...it went beyond logic and commonsense, to leave him for Mr. Big.

But anyway, all I can say if Aiden came along for me, I wouldn't leave him for all the Mr. Bigs that could ever exist.

[Nephissa]

Originally posted by Hayam:

^ don't know about that, I am sure I will get a nice feeling in my heart, when the options before me in my old age are,between staying in my home with my husband or living with one of my children...instead of which nursing home can I afford.

I do not fear ending up in a nursing home. I fear getting old with someone I would rather strangle. A friend of mine's parents always scrap. They are in their mid 60's. The last fight they had, the old bag got pissed at the old woman and refused to go on their annual vacation/trip to Somalia for the winter. So the old woman went alone. I still wonder if the old bag even bothered to take the old woman to the airport :rolleyes: . That scares me more, y'know. I'd so much rather be alone then to put of with this.

[Malika]

^They sound adorable passionate love affair going on there!

 

 

It all depend how one understands by what the author meant by “Settling”, she definitely didn’t settle for less, she made a conscious decision rather then chasing the illusive dream of finding the perfect man/woman. In reality there isn’t a perfect man or woman, even if you marry out of love you do still “settle” thus that person you love will not full fill all your needs and desires in your marriage.

 

What's love got to do with Marriage? ..Marriage girls is a whole ball game of its own, I tell ya! "Settle" wise

[Miriam1]

Um..I don't know since divorce is halal, why not go ahead if life is so miserable? there must be certain benefits to this marriage that outweigh these fights or other disagreements.

[Ameen]

Originally posted by Malika:

What's love got to do with Marriage?

I thought the saying went like, "whats love got to do with it" but I guess the 'it', in reality, was love.

 

As for article, I think she makes some good points and I think its time to 'settle' for the decent person. Okay fine, DONT settle but the whole point is, MAKE a decision and stop stalling cause time is no longer on your side. In any case, whatever your decision may be, place your trust in Allah and move on with your life.

[Faheema.]

Interesting article, I’ve read it a while back. Also, below is an equally interesting response I've come across. She made some valid points, however I sense a slight Denialism.

 

Settle, or Else

By Melissa Lafsky, Huffington Post. Posted April 18, 2008.

 

A month ago, I woke up feeling peaceful for the first time in months. I'm 29, I had just closed on my first apartment, and I was leaving a five-year relationship that, despite my dogged hopes of marriage, had become a stew pot of resentment and anger. While scores of articles eagerly inform me that unmarried men are now as scarce as a renewable energy source, I've stubbornly refused to write the last five years off as a colossal failure. Instead, I've been throwing all my energy toward taking responsibility for my part in the relationship, learning what I can from it, and moving on with life.

 

Then, like every other white-collar woman north of the equator, I read this. At first, I laughed it off. It was assumptive. It was illogical. It was judgmental. It reeked of the "It is INEVITABLE that all women feel this way, and if they don't think they do then they're just in DENIAL!" school of social theory -- never much of a recipe for enlightenment, for yourself or anyone else. So I shrugged, chocked the piece up to yet another woman existentially disappointed by men, and went back to my inner harmony.

 

Like many (not all) women around my age, I want the full package -- a husband, children, a life that's multidimensionally fulfilled, but centered around more than my own needs and ambitions. It's a strange time to be female, in an era where women are labeled selfish if they decide not to procreate, but tarred and feathered if they do it too much. I don't proclaim to know if the Malthusians are right -- all I know is that, as a female in possession of a working uterus, I don't have a clearer desire for my time on this planet other than to produce offspring. As a child of divorced Boomers, I have no illusions about marriage, but I consider it a gamble worth taking. In short, I want what every human being wants: happiness, in the brand and packaging of my choice.

 

But a few days later, my hard-earned harmony was gone, replaced by something new: Gottlieb, the new voice of late-thirties angst, preaching in the back of my head. "Settle now, or you'll wind up alone!" Her words had crept into my subconscious, blending all my fears and anxieties into a constant mosquito whine of self-doubt. Would I ever find someone as near-perfect as the man I'd just left? Had I blown whatever miniscule chance I had at happiness? "What makes you think you know better than her?" my inner dialogue ranted. "What makes you think you deserve better?"

 

Within a week, this 5,500 word tome of regret and resignation, from which book and movie deals have sprung, had fixed itself a permanent spot in my head. It's there, in every phone conversation with my ex, in every attempt at a date, the first thing I hear every morning when I wake up in my new bedroom, alone. All those nagging anxieties now have a champion, a single crystallized voice intent on plotting a future for me based on fear. My power and self-assurance have a new enemy, and it's being adapted for film by Tobey Maguire.

 

Logically, I know it's all smoke and mirrors. Gottlieb's sentence on my life is not The Truth. It is the interpretation of a late thirties woman who is apparently unhappy with the way things turned out for her. It is a hopeless *******ization of the fact that no man or woman is some fantasy version of perfection, and the choice to be in a committed relationship is just that -- a choice made every day, regardless of faults, foibles, or annoying idiosyncracies. The Truth is that I've known bliss with another person. I've watched it fall apart, but I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. And I know that I'll have the opportunity.

 

So honestly? Screw you, Lori Gottlieb. Screw you for exploiting my deepest fears for a piece you knew would clang the inflammatory gong. Screw you for cashing in after injecting me with your own regret and disappointment. I know of you only what I read in online bios, but I do know that you made your own choices in life, and have no right to dictate mine. And so, I hereby exorcise your past from my future. I may end up wizened and alone; I may not. But either way, it won't be because you decreed that my fate as a woman was "Settle, or Else."

[chubacka]

okay now what does she mean by settle. I think it jst depends on how much you r willing to overlook.

 

I think everyone settles in one form or another even if we dnt admit it to ourselves. Its true no one is perfect but if he is good enough, and he thinks you r wonderful, then its fine to settle as she says.

 

I know sisters who have rejected soooo many guys because of this or that an I jst cnt help thinking they have read too many fairy stories (not that i can say this to my friends ahah)