Somali Parents This - Somali Parents That: Worthy of Blame or Blameless??

[SayidSomal]

"It is shocking to see Finnish boys and girls drinking, smoking and kissing in the streets. The immigrant adolescents (Somali, Iranian, Iraqi and Bosnian) boys and girls also have started to behave exactly like Finnish adolescents. It is difficult for us Muslim parents to bringing up our children in society like Finland, because we cannot control them. They are taught other social values and lifestyle in the schools" (male, 48 years). [34]

&

.....Our children have right to drink, to have sex before marriage and disobey their parents at home. Children's opinions and wills before those of their parents. The way our boys are educated in the schools in Finland and the way the teachers and social workers want us to bring up them at home is like to educate them to be criminals in the future"

(males, 50, 54 years).

[SayidSomal]

CB - do you agree that somali parents' authority, power, care , protection and nurturing for their children is being eroded, stripped of them, diminished etc.

[Alpha Blondy]

i'm not a parent.

 

but....its not easy for Somali parents. they must allow some flexibility while instilling good values in their children. but you find there are many who are oblivious to their children. its not an issue of their power being eroded but a good parent will create boundaries between all completing social settings like schools,friends, mosque, neighborhood etc.

[SayidSomal]

Loss of status also results from the fact the children often gain responsibilities as interpreters and advocates for their parents in formal contexts, acting as mediators between the family and outside institutions

Abdi was interpreting for his mother during parents evening at his school - on his report card there were lots of 'F's - when his mother asked about it - he told her it meant 'Fiican' - his mother asked 'oo ma af soomaalibaa" to which he quipped back "maya, waxay u taagan tahay 'Fine'

 

only if he was to used that quick wit to apply himself

[Chocolate and Honey]

I wouldn't say parents are to blame a100%. I personally know of parents who have done everything in their power to provide stable, secure and lovely home for their children yet the children grew up to be monsters.

 

But as Juxa noted, dayac badan baa jiro in our community. We know how to parent but we don't know how to parent in this culture. I always make this disctinction with my students' parents. Older parents seem to live in a bubble and they're in denial about a lot of messed up things.

Also, there is a lack of fathering in our community. There is less father figures and male role models. Everywhere you go(hospitals,schools, mosques, grocery stores, community centers)you'll mostly see a woman with children so much so that when you do see a couple with their children you take a notice.

 

Also, we raise our sons differntly from our daughters. The boys have a license to do pretty much anything: sex, smoking, coming home at odd hours, partying. Do we encourage these filthy habits? Of course not. But what is our general response? " will waaye is ka daa."

Sayid Mashallah. And good job on raising your kids well but our community does have a lot of deadbeat dads; and this fact doesnt have to discredit those fathers who are doing a swell job.

[Blessed]

I feel I am as entitled to praise when they succeed and do well as I am blame worthy when they fail. It comes with the job of being a child's guardian...

 

"Take care! Each of you is a shepherd and each of you shall be asked concerning his flock; a leader is a shepherd of his people, and he shall be asked concerning his flock; and a man is a shepherd of the people of his house, and he shall be asked concerning his flock; and a woman is a shepherd of the house of her husband and over their children, and she shall be asked concerning them.”

 

 

[Al-Bukhaari and Muslim]

[SayidSomal]

TARBIYADDU WAA BARASHO

 

Erayga discipline (tarbiyad) waa eray Laatiin ah macnihiisuna yahay “barid.” Marka aad waalid tahay, waxaad tahay bare/macalin. Qaabka aad u tarbiyeyso ilmuhu wuxuu kaa caawinayaa inay bartaan akhlaaqda.

 

Halkaan waxaa ku qoran saddex siyaalood oo wax loo tarbiyeeyo: Kalgaceylka ilmahaaga Halkaani waa meesha u baahan inaad awooda saarto. Caruurtu waxay wax bartaan marka ay ogyihiin in la jecel yahay lana caawiyo. Halkaan waxaa ku qoran fikrado:

- Jeclow ilmahaaga, wax kasta oo uu sameeyo

- Dhageyso ilmahaaga

- Marka ay fiican yihiin - u sheeg

- Ka rajee ilmahaaga wanaag

- Hubi in ilmahaagu bed qabaan - muuqaal ahaan ama maskax ahaanba

- Wax san u horseed

[Kool_Kat]

CB - do you agree that somali parents' authority, power, care , protection and nurturing for their children is being eroded, stripped of them, diminished etc.

Yaa saan kusameynooyo? Sheekada bal xoogaa ii jilci, anigu mafahminee...

 

Sidaan u arko anigu, Soomaalida badankood meel walba oo eey joogaan wexey jecel yihiin the easy way of life ineey qaataan! Hanoqoto guri dowlad in ladago, ceyr laqaato, caruurtii oo aan laga warheyn wexey waqtigooda free-ga ah sameeyaan, aabo yaashii oo aan rabin iney caruurtooda guri lafadhiyaan (ama hanoqoto iney ladheelaan, wax baraan, lasheekeystaan, iwm), hooyooyinkii oo depression ku wada dhacay due to lack of support from nimanka...Good parenting isn't something learned over night, but rather is an ongoing process that needs dedication, understanding, and lots of loving...

 

Many may argue "I do this and that for my children", but you hardly ever hear "I do this and that WITH my children"!

 

My main reason for blaming parents for their children's way of life is that every 20something year old was once 5, 10, 15...Caruurta qaar halaawdo wey jirtaa regardless of nolosha lagu soo koriyay, laakiin hadii runta la'isku sheego waa gacan ku tiris kuwaa...

[Gheelle.T]

Yaan waalidka oo dhan la isku darin e. Meesha sartu ka quruntay waa aabbaha( there are of course good fathers like Sayid) ee father figure hadduusan joogin, carruurta waliba wiilashu ha u darnaadaan, waa loo yaabaa.

 

Not long ago in where i live, the community organized a gathering day for the youth and children. Kind of like sport activities and such. And among the hundreds that showed up, there were only 4 fathers and rest of kids were brought by their moms. Markaad aragtid hooyo restroom hor taagan oo ku leh wiilkaygan 5 jirka dhinaca dumarka wuu diiday inaan la galo ee tii raggana qof aan ku aamino ma hayo. What would you say about the father of that kid?

[Juxa]

well in that case all the amaan to indeed Mrs Sayid.

 

now you know the benefit system in this country and of course i know it. you know if a man works but his salary is not enough for the upkeep of the 9 children, the state will supplement it. family with low income can still iney is-sheegtaan and still get housing benefit, child benefit, working mother/father tax credit

 

well you name it...you get my gist. my point is ratiga yar kan weyn raadkiisu raacaa, if we (adults) aanan aqoon kalaam xalaal ah how can we expect the child inuu toosnaado?

 

wont happen saaxiib! waalidka have to show tusaale fiican and explain the virtue of hard work, decency and honesty

[Chimera]

Ah it has started again, the attack on the Somali fathers. FYI there are plenty of good fathers taking care of their kids. In most cases when the father is absent, he has passed over to the next world, or he is cut off in a different country, city or neighbourhood, or most logically he is at work.

 

I don't buy this nonsense about the fathers being the blame, they are an easy target, it seems. Yet they are most prominently featured in books about Fathers that nurture:

 

[Kool_Kat]

Thank you Gheele...While there are very few good fathers, kuwii xumaa baa kabadan...'Maa cadadnaa walaa xisaab' sheekooyinka aan dhoho waaye taasi...

[SayidSomal]

Blessed -

I feel I am as entitled to praise when they succeed and do well as I am blame worthy when they fail. It comes with the job of being a child's guardian...

good point - but you have got to remember and accept that that their success or failure is not within your control - you are there only as their guide and protector from harm - the rest as they say is up to them as far their free will goes and Allah (SWT).

 

 

C&H - what percentage would you put on the parents then? given that you said they did everything yet the children turn out to be monsters. Even Hitler had a mother.

 

Lets us not harp on too much about the negatives as if thought they overshadow the positives. i am of the opinion that the so call deadbeat dads for a lack of a better word are tiny minority and fathers are very much interested in their children 's future.

 

unfortunately the lack of helpful fathers/husbands seems to a phenomena in black/African communities - people act all shocked and surprised to see a man with three little children shopping - as if thought it was occurrence.

 

KK - Have you not heard or seen a child threatening their parent that if they don't let t hem certain thing then - they will be packing to Social services and parents total capitulating

[ElPunto]

All of this Sayid manshallah is premature. Unless he has kids who are 14 and above (which I suspect not) - and they're good - he doesn't yet warrant all this praise

 

Back to the topic - I think even if you had bad parents after a certain age (ie 18/20) - you have choices to make and you do that as an individual. Unless you are mentally deficient you generally know what the right choices are.

 

Parents are to blame for several things though:

 

1- Lack of father figures and broken families. Even if the family is not broken the fathers are strangely absent and unaware about their kids especially boys who are much of where the problem lies.

 

2- Choosing to live in bad nieghbourhoods. This is not due to poverty - it is a choice. You have families on welfare and the govt will give them welfare in small towns where there is less crime, gangs, drugs and where schools are likely in better shape. Why do so many Somalis live in Toronto when they can their welfare check in Muskoka? I don't understand that. Why not go to a better environment for the sake of your kids?

 

3- Absence of the tough parenting required in this permissive society. Parents need to be much more involved in their kids lives otherwise society and the environment where we live will lead them down the wrong path. You have to push your kids to do well, you have to get them to occupy their free time in positive things etc.

 

It's wierd the choices so many Somali young adults make. We all know gaalo ppl who smoked and drank and were sexually active in university or college but they seem to know what their priorities are ie education, job, apartment. Why do young Somalis seem to smoke, drink, whore around and also get no education, get shot or killed or go to jail?

[Kool_Kat]

Originally posted by Sayid*Somal:

KK - Have you not heard or seen a child threatening their parent that if they don't let t hem certain thing then - they will be packing to Social services and parents total capitulating

Maxaaba gaarsiin kara in cunug aan dhalay uu heerkaa ila gaaro? There has to be a level of respect given to the children just as we expect them to respect us! Trust and believe cunug sidaa u hadlay, if parents handed them the phone and asked them to dail the damn number, results will be different...We baby our children way too much...If those who threat with such nac-nac are given the opportunity to experience life in the system (group/foster homes), sheekada wey is badali leheed...