Somali Parents This - Somali Parents That: Worthy of Blame or Blameless??

[SayidSomal]

I am a Somali man living in London as oppose to an English man in New York, far more important; I am a father to beautiful and intelligent (Masha'Allah! & credit to their mother ) children whom absolutely adore - as any parent should with their children.

 

As the over sensationalised stories of young Somalis in the west up to no good were been discussed on this board and in few different threads for the last couple days - I was pained to see the 'blame the parents brigade' swing into action in every thread unchallenged. "Somali parents this and that" they huffed and buffed, "parents are to blame" they shouted, "where were the parents?" they enquired, "they are collecting xaraam dole" and "they are trying to save a bit of money by living in bad neighbourhoods" they answered themselves and continue to speculate; "they have no class", "no, God is punishing them", etc. the accusations continued.....

 

 

Save KK(sorry,my fellow Qardhawite) all of the 'blame the parents brigade' have one thing in common -they are not parents. so to qualify their accusations - they threw in the usual line; "but my parents...." - hook, liner and sinker; the unsuspecting mind. Ironic! eh? reminds me of what a wise man once said:

"Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories"

 

I should stop rambling and state my reason for this thread. After reading some of the accusations level against the Somali parents in the west - i remembered reading while back a research that was carried out in Finland - Titled:

Somali Parents' Experiences of Bringing up Children in Finland: Exploring Social-Cultural Change within Migrant Households You Can Read Whole Report - Here - I'll serialise the parts that found interesting below. - It is time that the Somali parents spoke up for themselves :cool:

[Alpha Blondy]

Originally posted by Sayid*Somal:

I am a Somali man living in London as oppose to an English man in New York

 

how chessy.

 

anways i reckon somali parents are ok. there is good and bad in all of them.

[SayidSomal]

3. Findings

 

3.1 Somalis' parenting experiences in Somalia

....... In a similar way, in Somali culture, motherhood was associated with childbirth, childcare and upbringing. With these well-defined gender roles, childcare and upbringing were women's collective duty, where closely-related women helped each other in bringing up the children. Children also had a well-defined natural duty and obligation to the family. Their natural duty was to respect their parents, and their obligations started at a young age with helping the parents at home or outside the house. These obligations were particularly evident amongst those families from an agricultural setting. Daughters helped their mothers with domestic chores and other tasks, whilst sons helped their father on the farm and in taking care of the cattle. In adulthood, children are then supposed to take care of their parents when they reach old age.

[SayidSomal]

3.2 Somalis' parenting experiences in Finland

Somalis were asked to comment upon parenting experiences in Finland. They told us that the changes in parental practices were heavy and stressful. The women explained that childcare had become an individual matter and that they had to manage by themselves; a contrast to Somalia where they had help from female relatives and extended family members. For the large majority of Somalis, the changes in parenthood were difficult to cope with. According to some, their children did not listen to them at home any more because they had apparently been told in the schools, and by other government agencies, that they have rights and freedoms and that it is the state that supports them and not their parents. Several parents complained about schoolteachers' and social workers' interference in their children's upbringing. In the interview, two men said this:

"The teachers and the social workers should understand that the Somali cultural model of children's upbringing differs from the Finnish cultural model of children's upbringing in the Finnish culture. Let me tell you that, there are many social norms in the Western lifestyle that are conflicting with the Islamic values and are not acceptable by Somalis. In any society it is the parents' responsibility to educate their children and make them understand what is acceptable and what is not. In this logic it is Somali parents to bring up their children and not schoolteachers' and social workers' to do in their behaviour" (males, 48, 52 years). [12]

[Boom Boom]

The parents in our community do not know how to raise their sons, FACT! I may not have children but that doesn't mean that I cannot criticize parents who raise drug dealing sons and violent criminals.

 

There is something mentally wrong with the males in our community. They have no common sense and are driven by greed. They kill one another for drug money. Sorry, but after watching the documentary, I have lost all respect for them.

[SayidSomal]

.....Respondents commented, however, that they were strict about religious routines and prayer and worship times and did not allow flexibility unless their child was ill. Three respondents we spoke to shared the same view, they all said:

"We tell our children to worship Allah, to pray five times a day and when it is time for prayer, there is no excuse unless the one is really sick and cannot move. Religious education is very important factor in children's upbringing in the Islamic family" (males, 37, 47 and 39)

[SayidSomal]

3.4 Changes in the family structure

 

All respondents experienced changes in parenting practices, family structures and gender-household relations because of the cultural differences between Finland and Somalia. They described the changes as difficult to cope with. Several Somalis, men and women, discussed changes in family size and complained that apartments were designed for family sizes of 1 to 2 children and were not suitable for Somali families which often had between 5-10 children. A woman living in an apartment of three bedrooms with her husband and five children said:

"Seven persons living in an apartment of three small bedrooms and sitting room is like being in prison, there is no space for everybody. Especially, in the winter time, when it is very cold and the children cannot go outside to play, they are shouting and crying inside; everybody gets crazy. In this country, they do not build big house with several rooms because families are small. In Finland, couples have often only 1 or 2 children or one dog. In Somalia, in our houses, there are always enough rooms for several children and the relatives who stay with us. We Somalis, it is very hard to bring up several children in the Finnish small houses" (female, 38 years).

[SayidSomal]

3.5 Somalis' use of contraception and the difficulties of raising large families in Finland

Respondents, particularly women, reported that they had decided to use contraception because they did not want more children. They revealed that, contrary to what many Finns think of Somalis, many couples do not want large families and use contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Whilst the Islamic family must take decisions according to Islamic jurisprudence in order to justify their act to Allah, respondents justified their decision with regard to: the changes in family structures; the difficulties of bringing up to several children in Finland; and the social-cultural changes that followed migration. Most Somalis who used contraception felt they had good justifications according to the Qu'ran. Referring to his experience, one man said:

"I am using condoms because it is our responsibility my wife and I to bring up our six children, we do not have any help as we should have got from our parents and relatives if we were in Somalia. Whatever assistance we may receive from the social assistance in Finland, it is our responsibility to bring up our children, feed them, and guarantee their health and wellbeing in the family, according to Allah" (male, 37 years). [28

[Alpha Blondy]

finland?

 

how reflective is that of all somali experiences. there are no guns, gangs, pimps nor sex trafficking. isnt this what you wanted to talk about?

[SayidSomal]

3.6 Somali parents' views of the Finnish family model

 

"In the Finnish schools, our children and particularly the boys are forced to adopt the Finnish youth life in order to be accepted in this society, their Finnish counterparts and their teachers. In one hand, it is a good thing but on other hand it is bad because we are Muslims and our way to bring up to children is different from the Finnish or Western way" (female, 45 years). [32]

&

The way the Finnish authorities want us to bring up our children in Finland is not conform to our religious traditions, cultural norms and values. Particularly, the boys cannot be educated according to our religious traditions. Based on the Finnish cultural education, one can see how Somali teenager boys are behaving in the streets. They are drinking alcohol that is forbidden in our religion. Several of them do not want to go to school and have become their parents' humiliation as well as that of the Somali community. Many of the Somali mothers and fathers have already lost their authority over their children" (male, 50 years). [33]

[SayidSomal]

Originally posted by Boom Boom:

The parents in our community do not know how to raise their sons, FACT! I may not have children but that doesn't mean that I cannot criticize parents who raise drug dealing sons and violent criminals.

Have look at my last post - what are these mothers to do?? Dhaqancelis! did i heard you say?? - only leads to Dhaqanxuncelis.

 

There is something mentally wrong with the males in our community. They have no common sense and are driven by greed. They kill one another for drug money. Sorry, but after watching the documentary, I have lost all respect for them.

:rolleyes:

 

Oh well, there is always Basil Brush - Boom! Boom!

[Juxa]

Originally posted by Sayid*Somal:

all of the 'blame the parents brigade' have one thing in common -

they are not parents

 

I was going to agree with your assertion until you said the above. you dont need to be a parent in order to see there is a link between our (somali) way of life and children going off the bender.

 

Maasha allah to you and many others but some parents do neglect their children, the behaviour of children stems from extreme poverty, lack of support, understanding etc etc the list is endless.

 

meel dheer adoon fiirin, it is easy to see parents with ''good children'' spend alot of time and energy to guide them.

 

I believe there is no bad child, balse caruur badan baa dayacan.

[SayidSomal]

Originally posted by CarmeloBrown:

finland?

 

how reflective is that of all somali experiences.

there are no guns, gangs, pimps nor sex trafficking. isnt this what you wanted to talk about?

There are plenty of guns and gangs in Finland - i would even go as far as say - much more than the UK - Guns are legal possessed by over 90% of the population. quite easy to get hold of.

 

As for pimps and sex trafficking - it happens - although Somalis engagement of it has been recent and mainly involves around passing on their white girlfriends to their friends and then later claims of gang rape.

 

and no that is not what i want to talk about - i want to talk about whether or not the parents are worthy of all the blame or are they blameless, or bit of both. According to the research i posted the parents are saying - their parenthood has been taken away from them - do you agree??

[Alpha Blondy]

do i agree?

 

i think there are several issues that need addressing.

 

1. socialisation - young Somalis are facing identity crisis. they are developing new hybrid identities. is this a good thing or not i'm not sure. but i reckon its an eventuality.

 

2. individuality vs. conformity - western societies emphasis individuality but somali family structure demands conformity. some people are doing well in culturally navigating between different social settings. but for how long?

 

3. expectation to submit to parental control. but there are several different social institutions also influencing young somalis choices and lifestyles. schools, peer relations to name but a few.

 

4. inter-generational relationships. communication is a real problems with mothers and fathers thinking raising a child means only taking care of their welfare - (like the mother showing love through making food and buying clothes) but about emotional needs?

[SayidSomal]

Juxa, Dumaashi, Waalidnimadu waa arin aan sahlaneyn. Maalmaha qaarkood waa wax wanaagsan, xiiso leh, isla markaana farax ku dheehan yahay. Maalmaha qaarna ma sahlana mana hubtid inaad howshaada waalidnimo qabsan karto iyo in kale. Waalid noqoshadu ma aha wax xun. Waalidnimadu waa howsha ugu muhiimsan ee aad weligaa qaban doonto.

 

As for mine - Masha'Allah - that is down to their mother - i just play with them while i still can beat them at the games

 

Few people who neglect children are not what is causing the phenomena of somali youths out of control - that happens when the authority and control of the parent is undermined by the state and decadence of the western world.

 

I agree with you though as community we can twig couple things like actually talking to our children more often and practising that lost art of store telling - you know those stories with moral endings etc. and being sincerely being interested in the lives of our children.

 

Having said that - there are limits and barriers placed in front of these parents even if they were and wanted to go about doing these little twigs - for example - how can a mother of six, seven children all close to each other, living in two or three bedroom able to afford to do that - when the husband is working two jobs and still is not enough so they feel the need to claim c.ay.r and therefore can not be seen together - ooh the dilemma... i know, i know - they shouldn't have been in that situation in the first place right? how nice and easy it is to say then get out of it once you are in there.