A Thug’s tale

[NGONGE]

It’s been three weeks since RudeBoy has come back to town. His mother has been very impressed with his progress and how he decided to change his rude ways. Today, he was sitting at home talking to his mother about his adventures in Somalia. He was saying:

 

Listen Hoyo, yeah. I’s seen some amazing tings back home, ya get me. Even dat David Blaine is not as good as some of our Somali saaxirs, blud. I’s remember I’s went wid Adeero Abukor to a wadaad’s house, blud. We’s was taking a Nin Walan to da wadad to read qoran on him, hoyo. Da wadad was not a wadaad, ya get me. He was a magic man. He told us to sit down and not speak, blud! We sat down and he switched da lights off, blud. We was sitting down in da dark, hoyo. He’s started to talk to somebody and saying “ dadkan waxay doonayan daaawaoooâ€..I’s was propra scared, hoyo. He was talking to a jinni, blud! I’s heard some woman’s voice saying “ daaaawaaaadaaa waaaan o haaaynaaaaâ€..She was saying we have to pay two hundred dollars for da dawo, hoyo! I’s knew it was a trick but adeero Abukor didn’t listen to me, blud. Da jinni voice kept changing to a man’s voice, hoyo. It was real scary, blud. I’s whispered to da Ninka Waalan if he hears anyting and he said “ daaadkaaan waaaay nooo laaaaba codleeaaanayaaaaanâ€. I’s don’t know what dat means, hoyo! I’s shouldn’t have aksed da ninka walaan anyting.

Dey told us to come back tomorrow for da medicine. I’s asked Xaaji Abokur if he believed dem and he’s said yes, hoyo! Dat day, I’s lost my respec for da old man. How can he believe dese khaayins, hoyo? You believe it too, hoyo? For real? You’s Somalians are mad people, for real, mad people.

 

Next time I’s go back to Somalia, I’s gonna take some torch light, some fireworks, a tape recorder, massive speakers, a toy gun and a magic tricks book, blud. I’s gonna fool all a dem people into tinking I’s the best magician in Africa, blud. Ya get me?

 

Dat saaxir put da lights on, brought out a cup of water and he spit in it, blud, he spit in it! He gave it to da Ninka Walan to drink. Hoyo, Ninka Walan is still crazy, ya get me? Da spit water didn’t do anyting for him, blud.

 

Xaaji abokor wanted the saaxir to read quran on me because I’s dhaqan celis. Da saaxir put his hands on my head and closed his eyes. He was reading some tings in Somali.

Hoyo, I’s know dat I’s a thug but even I’s know dat quran has no Somali words in it, ya get me? I’s told da saaxir geezer dat I’s know his game. He said I’s got some gaalo irbad in me, hoyo! Man is dumb, ya get me? Of course I’s got gaalo irbad in me. It’s for my health, innit?

 

Hoyo, if you ever go back dere don’t let dis guy trick you, blud. He’s making it up. I’s sure da jinni woman’s voice is his ugly wife dat we saw by da door when we went in! Dem people tink i’s was born shalayto, hoyo.

[NGONGE]

Two months ago, Rudeboy heard about the looming Ethiopian invasion of Somalia and decided to go back home to defend the motherland. He was now older, wiser and calmer. He had shed the Rudeboy image moons earlier and become a devout Muslim.

 

Upon arrival in Somalia, he sought out his old friends to read their opinions on the situation. He was shocked to find out that they’ve all changed!

 

Stockholm had grown a beard and seemed all aloof and serene. Cali Ceyal looked all grown up and serious, and Dhul-Dhaqaaqi was as short as ever but seemed surefooted.

 

They all hugged him and started asking about his life and health.

 

Abdi replied: I’m doing ok, guys. I really miss our childish games together. But never mind that. Tell me about the Ethiopian invasion of our great land. What are you guys doing about it?

 

Stockholm replied: What can we do, saaxib? We are not fighters. We are normal people trying to live our lives.

 

Abdi was shocked and asked them: Are you not Somali? Are you not Muslim? How can you let a Xabashi defile your lands like that and do nothing about it? Don’t you support the Islamic Courts?

 

Stockholm replied: We do, akhi, but we are not fighters. We are helpless.

 

Abdi sucked his teeth, rubbed his tiny beard, pulled his socks up to almost touch his short trousers and hissed: waagwan blud? Are yous trying tell me yous got a duck’s heart, bridgen? Fix up, blud, fix up. We’s got to go xabashi hunting, ya get me? Remember when we’s used to say we soldiers, blud? Put on your shariah compliant combat trousers and lets go kick us some xabashi bottom, blud. Ya get me?

 

Stockholm replied: stop talking in that childish style, Abdi. We’re all grown up now and we’re not soldiers.

 

Abdi proudly shouted again: speak fa yaself, blud. I’s da original Rudeboy dat will kick da xabashi from my land, ya get me? I’s make dem say hello to my little friend. I’s a class A thug, blud. Are yous coming to fight with me or are you going to hide like chicken, blud?

 

Stockholm had a quick conference with the other two guys then turned to Abdi and said: sorry old chap no can do.

 

Abdi spat on the floor and stalked away to prepare for his one-man mission against the Ethiopian invasion. As he walked away, he heard the boys call after him but he didn’t slow down. He was thinking of all manner of tricks and deadly traps he could set those invading Xabashis!

 

The next few days went on to reveal how successful Rudeboy’s ingenious fighting strategies were.

[Blessed]

Woooohoooo! He's back. *hugs NG*