Marriage Dilemmas Other Connected Considerations...

[Abu-Salman]

Having been pressed by Hooyo to settle for a distant relative and employee of her for marriage purposes, her reasons were that she was both religious and physically attractive while the burgeoning business would remain family-managed (I guess she intends to links us to as well as assist our wider family).

 

She added, too, that my acceptance would serve as an example for my siblings, who risk getting too comfortable with the Western lifestyle of singledom and over-commitment to careers with the concomitant materialism (one of our main worries is precisely to steer them away from such delusions and bring them back into our traditional & Islamic roots).

 

Hence, the imperative of pleasing her adds to the other crucial one of "famillial Da'wah"; while the deal seems not that bad.

 

Of course, this would tie me with that relevant Somali town (not far from Djibouti, our place of birth and other place of residence); but a much greater concern of mine is the potential intellectual gap as we would potentially struggle to bond without functioning at the same level.

 

Despite being much more open-minded than the norm when it comes to clanish/regional differences, I usually struggle to communicate as well as being understood by average Somalis (or non-Somalis for that matter), unless the relevant person is either Islamically learned or at least highly rational with excellent level of general knowledge, irreproachable ethics being a requirement in every cases.

 

Thus, I neither consider Western "education" nor langages relevant, but would expect a prospective bride to be Arabic-litterate and acquainted with the Qur'aan and Islamic Classics, as her main role would naturally be to help her children reach their full Islamic potential.

 

Having said that, the younger the better, and in terms of age, the proposed distant relative is only just slightly younger (I'm between my twenties and thirties).

 

Therefore, I kept on praying Istikhaarahs alongside optional fasting, torn between guilt and an overwhelming sense of urgency, besides my more usual idealism and quest of perfection.

 

While fully realising that the answer lies in perfecting even further my routine of submitting to Allah and seeking his assistance in every matter, I find it harder to get rid of my tendency to try and squeeze real-life situations into mathematical equations for which the particular solution could be found through rational enquiry (a core legacy of Western curriculums and intellectual colonialism).

 

How did you get through those sorts of dilemmas fellow Sol nomads and what are the insights of brothers Nur, Xiin and others?

[Ms DD]

Have you met her and had dicussions with her? It may be that you could be equal intellectually. Besides It is also your role to teach her and the kids. But you have your dookh. Ask audience with her and see how you feel. I always think that you have to feel comfortable about these situations. It is futile to marry for any other reason i.e mom or siblings except your own.

[Malika]

Can?

 

Have you spoken to the young lady?

 

I would say before you have reached any decision,first things first,start the communication ball rolling,the young lady might just surprise you,being western educated isn't all that sometimes. Some people are natural intelligent,give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Ask your mother to give you time to come to terms with the idea,am assuming its just an idea so far?

 

All in all,nafta kheyr uu sheeg hedee! and let the will of God take over,either it will be or it wont be.One thing if this is proving to be such a hard decision to make,I would advice you better take your time with it,as marrying someone whilst under pressure isn't fair to anyone.

 

And if this is meant my dear brother,you will feel the ease..When the will of God is at practice you wont even hesitate.

 

Goodluck!

[Kool_Kat]

If you have doubts now, there'll always be that 'what if' in your head...Marriage shouldn't be about keeping it in the family or setting examples for your siblings...It is what makes you happy, content, and waking up to actually look forward to that day...

 

Dooqaaqa ka cayaar!

[Ms DD]

Hey Malika, Bona sana hon? How is my kiswahili? lol

 

Hello KK, How are u? deliriouslyhappt aa? send those pills my way

 

AbuSalman

You sound quite bit..well..erm..sexi st. You just have to wonder whether she'd be interested in you first. No offence walaal. Marriage is a seriosu business but let your heart and instinct guide you.

[Malika]

^Hello Ms DD,your Kiswahili is rocking girl! hayee who is the teacher?

 

KK,I love you for telling like it is..lol

 

Ms DD,Abu sounds like he is a catch dee LOL..astagfirullah!

 

*off to troll somewhere else*

[Aaliyyah]

^^lol malika

 

walaal, just get to know her and see where things go from there....

 

salaam

[Ducaysane]

Abu Salma

Malika ama MS DD mid guurso, iska daa yarta in loo turjumo u baahane.

 

Haah labada gabdhood waan bixin karaa.

[Fabregas]

Despite being much more open-minded than the norm when it comes to clanish/regional differences, I usually struggle to communicate as well as being understood by average Somalis (or non-Somalis for that matter), unless the relevant person is either Islamically learned or at least highly rational with excellent level of general knowledge, irreproachable ethics being a requirement in every cases.

 

brother one gets the impression that you have enormously high expectations of marriage and your future wife. anyway, if you decline, and the sister isn't married within a couple of years, xaga iya pmka iga la so xidid. i like jibouti accents

[Blessed]

Thus, I neither consider Western "education" nor langages relevant, but would expect a prospective bride to be Arabic-litterate and acquainted with the Qur'aan and Islamic Classics, as her main role would naturally be to help her children reach their full Islamic potential.

Inaadeer, you have a better a chance of finding a sister with the above credentials in Somalia than the west.

 

Anyway, unless you are absolutely and totally inclined to marry her - DO NOT ask for an audience with her. I repeat DO NOT try to get to know her. There are other ways of getting the info you want.

 

Dhaqan celiskan [ ] Ha dhegaysan, Somalis don't do things like that. She's your family, not some woman off the streets..Rejecting her (especially after getting to know her) is deemed disrespectful and would create bad blood in the family, trust me. I think, you've already committed a 'xaal offence' by not jumping at the chance. [Tut, Tut]. I kid.

 

If you're not interested, which seems to be the case to me, decline politely and move on. Hooyo will get over it, they always do.

 

Making a decision is much simpler than you think. Stop painting.

 

Dee waa ku sidaa. Insha Allah Khayr.

[Jacaylbaro]

Waar guurso baa lagu leeyahaye guurso wax maqaloo ,,,,,

[Valenteenah.]

It sounds like you have already placed yourself on a high pedestal, well above her, and feel she wouldn't do you justice as a partner. Not the greatest place to start from.

 

How to get through this dilemma? I don't know but I think some humility on your part wouldn't hurt.

[NGONGE]

^^ What high pedestal you mad woman? If anything, I think he's self deprecating by claiming that his communication skills are nonexistent!

 

Abu Salman,

All the waffle in between does not really matter if marriage is not yet in your plans and intentions. If it is and the woman in question has no damaging flaws, I would advise you to get on with things and get married. This business about her being on your intellectual level or having similar Islamic knowledge as you do is nothing but the excuses we make when we are trying to run away from making a decision.

 

Your criteria should be:

 

Is she a good woman?

 

Do trusted people think she is a good woman?

 

Does she have patience (for you sound you will need one that can tolerate all these philosophical wonderings of yours)?

 

And, finally, is she a GOOD woman?

 

Of course, you can ignore all this and find yourself one on your level who might turn out to be hot tempered, lazy or extremely sensitive.

 

You can't control everything, saaxib. If you think she's good and the people around you think she's good then all this stuff you are asking for is not really that important. Even if she could not read or write, her marriage to you will (hopefully) get her to read and write. Even if she does not know one single surah of the Quran, her marriage to you will (probably) teach her the entire book. This stuff that you place a high importance on is all acquired, saaxib. You may be more knowledgeable than her today but she may turn out to be more dedicated than you within a few years. After all, your mother already tells you the lady is religious.

edfar bi dat el deen, taribat yadaak. (not to mention hoyo already told you the girl is pretty).

[Paragon]

^Why repeat is she a good women twice, albeit with slight differences?

 

Abu Salmaan, it's hard to get two good things at once. If you want to raise a good family then choose a woman deemed to be of good stock (family-wise). But if you want intellectual companionship (in the western sense) then seek a woman with intelligence though good child-rearing may not be her strengths. Both types have their strengths and weaknesses, and in rare times, you MAY find a woman with both qualities.

 

Good luck sxb. Happy hunting.

[STOIC]

^ When I asked him for ADVICE he told me the same thing-If she is a GOOD Woman I should go for it (I did mine in PRIVATE though).The GOOD Woman theory has multiple dimension he needs to analyze himself, no ONE can help him with that.

 

PS Ngonge, I'm one step ahead son..I got the COURAGE ....something is in the offing!