Chicken Chips!

[NGONGE]

I believe I am a modern man and a civilised husband. I believe so because I followed all the essential steps and paid heed to the happening trends. Nappies, I changed. Hoovering, I did. I even attempted cooking on more than one occasion. The wife is free to go out and seek employment, the girls are not forced into housework at an early age and the heir to the throne is being taught about equality. It is modern, it is fair and it is all taking place at NGONGE Towers.

 

I am also a traditional man. I believe families should follow a set formula and that positions, duties and roles should always be clear. Therefore, when I go to work in the morning and return home in the evening the least I should expect is dinner on my table and a happy family greeting me as I come in (I am still working on the second part).

 

Occasionally, and due to events out of my control, I find that I may have to waive the dinner on the table rule. This is not a problem and as a self-proclaimed modern man it is something I have grown to accept and disregard. One of the children could be ill for instance and the wife needs to take them to the hospital, which may result in my dinner not being cooked on time. A relative might have needed help and the wife might need to accompany them somewhere, which may result in my dinner not being cooked on time. A vital ingredient might be missing and the wife may need to run to the supermarket to purchase it, which may result in my dinner not being cooked on time. The examples are numerous and there is no time to list them all here nor is that really our topic. The point is; I am a modern man that understands and accepts that problems may sometimes play a part in my dinner not being cooked on time.

 

When such an occurrence takes place, the wife is usually sharp enough to call me in advance and inform me of this fact. This leaves me with the gigantic task of deciding what to have for dinner. You see, some people have a natural ability to instantly decide on their food (or was that feet?). I am not one of such people. I have to weigh the pros and cons of choosing a Chinese over an Indian, a Pizza over a Kebab or a Somali restaurant over a Tuna sandwich. It is not an easy task and it often leaves me with no appetite for food at all. Therefore, I always base my choice on the meal that can be prepared the quickest.

 

With Chinese food, I usually find the laidback nature of the people behind the counter very off putting. They assure me that the food will only take five minutes to prepare but they are often too slow in taking my order that I start to doubt the five minutes deadline (and I am usually correct). This is why I never buy Chinese on the days when events conspire to deny me a homemade dinner.

 

Indians and especially Indians in restaurants are the quintessential YES men. If you walk into an Indian restaurant and ask the waiter “can you cook me a fish leg” his first reply is almost always a resounding YES. An elephant’s trunk, a rhino’s horn or a bird’s teeth, they will always reply in the affirmative then go inside and bring you lamb or chicken curry. This is why I never buy Indian on the days when events conspire to deny me a homemade dinner.

 

Pizza takes forever to prepare and has the added difficulty of having to decide what toppings to have. This is why I never buy Pizza on the days when events conspire to deny me a homemade dinner. The same applies to Kebabs and the eternal questions of “with or without salad?”, “Chilli Sauce?”, “Eat in or takeaway?”, etc.

 

On the days when events conspire to deny me a homemade dinner, I always opt for a healthy portion of Chicken & Chips. There is no thinking involved with this delightful meal and you do not even have to get into a long discussion with the salesperson. You simply walk into the shop, look at the big menu above your head and point to the “Two pieces of chicken & chips” sign. In less than five minutes, you find that your dinner is ready. Eating in or taking it away is all up to you.

 

This has been my alternative dinner for so long that my entire extended family knows what I will do should events ever conspire to deny me a homemade dinner. So, it did not come as a total surprise when I received a text from my wife yesterday, with the words “Get Chicken & Chips”. Bloody events!

 

Of course, being the modern civilised man that I am, I sent her a text back asking her “how many”! This is when she phoned me and confessed that it was not her who wrote the message and that she actually cooked today (hurrah!). She claimed that my six year old son was playing with her phone and that he must have been the one who wrote me the message. I wasn’t listening of course, I was simply happy to know that today was a homemade dinner day.

 

As I left work later, I received another text message. It said:

“Matagooni wrote that, daddy. You choose.

From NGONGA”.

 

I smiled at the clarification then quickly frowned as I realised I was being presented with a choice! What does she mean by ‘you choose’? I don’t want to choose. I hate choosing. Her mother already told me that she cooked and I would look real silly if I still went ahead and bought Chicken & Chips. And, at any rate, why are they not putting this choice to their mother? She should be the one who chooses. After all, she is the one who wasted her time cooking. I don’t want to cause a diplomatic incident at home. The mother should choose.

 

As I strolled on and irritatingly thought about the decision I had to make, I received yet another text message. It said “Just get chicken and chips!”. Who sent this? Is it still the kids or is it the wife? It is her phone after all. I scrutinised the words and the huffy style but I was still none the wiser. It is possible it was still the kids who wrote this and the use of the word ‘just’ was put there to encourage me to ignore their mother and do what they want instead. On the other hand, why can it not be the mother, who after getting fed up with all the pestering and begging gave in and decided to fire a quick text message asking me to get the darn Chicken & Chips? She didn’t even write PLEASE. It must be the mother! That exclamation mark at the end says “FED UP” like nothing else could.

 

 

I walked into the C&C shop and ordered five portions. As I stood waiting for them to be readied, I received another text message. It said:

“Are you buying Chicken & Chips? Matagooni told me.

From GONGITA”.

 

So it wasn’t the mother! The three rascals have tricked me into buying them Chicken & Chips. Now their mother will complain about wasting her time cooking food that is not appreciated and may even make hints about slave labour, downtrodden women and Stone Age attitudes. Five portions of Chicken & Bloody Chips will turn progressive, modern, civilised me back into a caveman. Bloody kids.

 

As I stood there thinking about ways to explain this situation to the wife and making her see that misunderstandings could easily happen, I heard the Chicken & Chips man ask “Would you like Ketchup on that”! Bloody Chicken & Chips.

[GaroweGal]

Goodness, that is far too long. I shall await a summary.

[Archdemos]

ha ha awesome story Ngonge. Is it real.

[cynical lady]

Modern man my foot.

[NGONGE]

^^ What is wrong now? I was busy earlier dee. Honest.

 

Arch, I blame Norf. He had to have a text convo with one and now they can't stop.

[General Duke]

Nice one, one has missed London food.. A modern man indeed..

[Ibtisam]

LOOOOL @ Ngonge. I hope she told you off for making her waste her time cooking.

 

Chicken burger & chips saves my energy so often when I just can't be asked. God Bless the Bengali PFCs

[cynical lady]

:rolleyes:

[N.O.R.F]

How are they? Sounds like in ay kugu ciyaaraan at every opportunity

[LayZie G.]

Modern man oo xaal qaado

 

 

Kaalay, adiga caadi maa tahay? Modern men cook, they clean without any expectations.

 

 

A modern man would rush to the grocery store as soon as he gets off work, fill his grocery bag with fresh vegetables and fruits and all the necessarily ingredients for cooking a tasty dinner for the family and he will hop to the train and get off near local flower shop, grap dozen of freshly cut roses for the wifey and rush home with all the grocery stuff on one hand and the briefcase on the other and he is ready to roll up his sleeve and get to work.

 

 

War meesha wax maku haysid ee orod wax baro.

[NGONGE]

^^ In your head, is your moder man played by Hugh Grant too?

[LayZie G.]

^hugh grant the hooker man? HUGH GRANT HAS NOTHING ON NGONGE.

 

Marka kale, war ma i maqleysaa? Haddii haad imaqleyso, grab a seat and listen carefully...

 

Wax runta kuusheego aad u baahan tahay and thats why I am here.

 

 

Being romantic is not just something you see in the movies, little efforts go along way, namely flowers, poems etc but I am sure you are more than capable in that department so I won't spend too much time lecturing SOL's own casanova.

 

cooking for the family once or twice a week is not going to suddenly make you 'kept man', quite the contrary, you will put your beastly like skills on display, putting everyone on notice that you can be just as dominant in the kitchen as you are on everything else. Remember, you are the indisputed champ, the king of your castle and no ifs or buts., so go ahead, cook them a hearty meal once in a while.

 

 

now, what were you saying about hugh grant?

[NGONGE]

^^ The image you had, be honest it was Hugh was it not?

 

(waxaan kale nagaa daa, you missed the point).

[Valenteenah.]

Good choice.

 

You've got a war on your hands, NG - imagine when they hit puperty? Are you prepared?

[rudy-Diiriye]

Dude get a nice gas bbq grill to cook with and your cooking will take like 15 min.

 

My wife cooks her own food, i.e., canjeero, baris or basto everyday! oh lord. I hate canjeero and baris/paste is not something i can eat everyday. I do my own cooking and usually use, one plate, a knife and a fork. She uses like 10 plates and pots! what on earth women!!

 

I just now ate my lunch i got from home: and its following:

lettuce, spinach, papya, mango, swiss goat cheese, carrots, onions, gowkamooli, and steamed alaska salmon. Yummmmmmmmy! it was good.