Who wears the trousers in your household?

[Lost-One]

Since the civil war the Somali way has become riddled with a disease, not a physical one but a silent social endemic which has swept over Somalia for the last few decades. It’s crippled our society and brought our economy to its knees, even those who have left for better lives in other countries have found themselves struggling to survive.

 

You may think I’m over reacting but it really is the root of all our problems, so ask yourself this…who wears the trousers in your home?

 

Gender roles within the average Somali family has mutated into what one would describe now as a ‘one woman show’. Long gone are the days when the woman’s place was in the home and the man put bread on the table. For what looks like countless reasons both at home and aboard Somali men are becoming less and less involved in their families.

 

This as you can imagine has resulted in what you see today, broken homes, poverty, poor academic achievement in our young, and crime amongst other things, which of course impacts our social structure and creates this never ending cycle.

 

In the west, particularly in the UK Somali men who traditionally worked hard to supply their families with food, clothing and adequate shelter are now sitting down and letting the government provide for their families. Whereas the woman’s role within the home is still active, women are still cooking, cleaning, and struggling to nurture their children in low income housing. While our men turn to qaad and standing outside local cafes to occupy their time with idleness.

 

Well before I get persecuted for insulting all our men in one short fell sweep, I’d like make it clear that the majority of the younger generation are a lot more aware of their responsibilities and roles within the average Somali family unit. Young men are working hard and providing for their homes. Obviously like any normal person you want a better quality of life than you were raised up in, you want your children to be well looked after and have all things you were deprived of as a child.

 

For instance I wish my parents took an active role with my education, instead of assuming, like most Somali parents that it’s the school’s place to deal with those issues. I felt like I was so disadvantaged during my school years and I had to try so hard to level up with the other children my age. Of course I understand my mother was rushed off her feet dealing with the practical issues she had to face while raising us, but my father could have easily spared his plentiful time to help us further ourselves academically. I’m sure with that many of you can sympathise with me.

 

So what do you blame it on? The lack of education, our precarious culture or idleness?

 

On that note please remember Islam teaches that family is the cradle of all humanity, so be compassionate and bring unity to your homes, after all charity does start at home.

[S.O.S]

So what do you blame it on? The lack of education, our precarious culture or idleness?

It's tempting to say WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME, but realistically, it's their lack of ISLAMIC PERSONALITY which is associated with ignorance and weakness in their faith!

[Socod_badne]

^^^Nice attack but up the wrong hill chief!

 

 

Originally posted by Lost-One:

So what do you blame it on? The lack of education, our precarious culture or idleness?

None

[ElPunto]

Trousers? It's pants - it's an American saying! Trousers sounds so gay

[-Lily-]

lol@gay, don't be ridicules. Trousers is a perfectly respectable word, unlike pants which make you think of undearwear.

 

I believe my father did the best he could, he was obsessed with education and didn't want to hear about boys until you were 18, and marriage until you were at least 21 and with a degree behind you name. What he could help us with he did and what he didn't know he got us tutors.

 

On the other hand, my mother was just as strict as he was, having been a school teacher herself. No matter how hard a father works, I don't think they can ever match how much mothers do for their children. It's just how things are.

 

As for other people I cannot speak for them, maybe the fact that many father's feel usless and unable to help their children. some of them had great positions back home and cannot live with feelings of shame at having to do menial jobs. For example, you see a 16 year old earning the same money per hour part time as his father would. Maybe inability to adapt and adjust.

 

I suppose everyone sees the problem from a different view.

[Castro]

Originally posted by WaTerLily:

I believe my father did the best he could, he was obsessed with education and didn't want to hear about boys until you were 18, and marriage until you were at least 21 and with a degree behind you name. What he could help us with he did and what he didn't know he got us tutors.

And look how well you turned out.

 

Parenting is the most difficult job I've ever had. It's never ending. It's around the clock. It's decades long and failure is NOT an option. Anything less than an A+ will not do. A parent that is not 100% devoted to the emotional, physical and spiritual nurture of their children will only bring up disfunctional members of society. Many Somali parents themselves have had a less than perfect childhood. They either don't know or don't care how to break that cycle with their own children.

 

Very unfortunate indeed.

[Faarax-Brawn]

Originally posted by Castro:

quote:Originally posted by WaTerLily:

Many Somali parents themselves have had a less than perfect childhood. They either don't know or don't care how to break that cycle with their own children.

 

Very unfortunate indeed.

Very unfortunate indeed.But i think in someway its turned out to be a blessing in disguise becoz i beleive young parents in the diaspora are probably realising that less than perfect childhood and are certainly really loving their kids more.

 

I personally have 4freinds with kids & mashallah i was amazed @how close they are to the kids,even more than the mother. I remember the somali father of the yesteryears(Tougn & Rugged)completely replaced and refurbished to a "Daddy".

 

I dont know If thats true for you Castro,if it is like so ,would you say its becoz of the not so sensitive fathers we had or is it the environment and society that we are?

[Castro]

^ I can't think of a Somali dad (or mom) born before 1960 that would tell their children they love them. LOL. It just doesn't work that way.

 

New parents in the west surely would be more involved with their kids. It's just the nature of the beast nowadays. But even with all the love and care given to a child, there's still a significant risk of that child going or being led astray. Ilaahay baa jabka naga hayaa.

[-Lily-]

Yes well, I think it's not fair on children as well.

 

Parents have to be aware where they are raising their children. If you go to school and all your friends are doing one thing and your parents tell you not to do what they are all doing. What will you do, split yourself into half? Growing up in the 'West' without changing is like throwing your kids in the ocean and ordering them not to get wet.

 

 

A new problem is langauge, how many parents have you seen saying, 'What?' when their kid has an outburts in English and they dont get it. It's really bad.

[Castro]

^ Sure, language is a struggle and a battle I'm losing. Recently, however, I realized that while the opportunity to become fluent in Somali before age 5 has gone, the language can be mastered in the early teen years or even through early adulthood. The basics of understanding are there. The vocabulary is there and all that is missing is some practice.

 

I'll tell you this though, some of the worst little gangsta punks I've seen in North America spoke fluent Somali. And I mean fluent. Clearly, theirs was not a language issue.

 

It's one big mess.

[Nephissa]

Originally posted by Faaraxov:

i believe young parents in the diaspora are probably realising that less than perfect childhood and are certainly really loving their kids more.

 

I personally have 4freinds with kids & mashallah i was amazed @how close they are to the kids,even more than the mother. I remember the somali father of the yesteryears(Tougn & Rugged)completely replaced and refurbished to a "Daddy". [/QB]

^ Having a loving, involved father makes a huge difference for a child. We hear so often about cowardly men who don't care about their kids. It always makes me happy, to hear about the dads who decide to be real men, and take care of their children.

 

Watching my mom and dad for a number of years taught me one thing; though he may wear the pants(or think he's), she still tells him what pair.

 

Mom was always the one disciplining us, dad; the cool guy who brought candies. Except occasionally to shout, but he never supported my mother in any disciplinary measures. He was/is there for support and played an active role in our education and development. He's always loving to us and mom very much. Dad had a stroke in '05 and Alhamdullilah is still up and around. If there is ever anyone who's sure he wouldn't get old and vulnerable, that he would take care of everything himself, it is my father. Masha Allah, Allah ii daayo. If only I had him with me! * I hope and pray to Allah that my unborn son turns out just like you dad. I love you and miss you* Mac Mac. (Sorry guys, that was a quick shout out to my paps.) L0L.

 

So my dear brothers, not every father born before 1960 is "Tougn & Rugged. There are some gentle, and sweet ones out there.

 

Kudos to all the good parents.

 

PS: (My daddy's gonna kick your daddy's ..( ) from here all the way to China, Kenya, wherever you're from!)

[Legend of Zu]

Originally posted by Bishitta:

 

 

Watching my mom and dad for a number of years taught me one thing; though he may wear the pants(or think he's), she still tells him what pair.

^^ Add that to what colour, what brand and when and with what

 

If I am not mistaken...even young kids wear pants...what is wrong with that?...

 

Oooh You mean who leads the household? now i gerrit..I gerrit!!! ...I do believe my imaginary lil princess daughter does wear the pants! and I do make sure of that

 

Jiiris!!

[Lost-One]

S.O.S I agree walaal Islam tells us everything we need to know about how to succeed in this life and the next. Had Somalis been more attentive to this then surely there would be none of these problems I stated.

 

The point, what exactly is your point?

Must I remind you it was the English who invented the English language . So who are you to question it? muchless suggest a word has a sexuality. :rolleyes:

 

Oh and Castro...

 

Originally posted by Castro:

^ I can't think of a Somali dad (or mom) born before 1960 that would tell their children they love them. LOL. It just doesn't work that way.

...now you know two

 

Waterlilly thanks dear I guess that just goes to show that we can't generalise in the way that we do. But I do know many in my area that would agree with the majority I've written. The divorce rates alone are testament.

 

I would have to point out that ridiculous difference between the Somali communities in North America and the UK. Mashallah the Somali communities in North America seem to be doing better, and the only varying factor I could possibly blame is the abundance of qaad and the option of welfare.

 

Having visited Canada I was amazed at the difference, I’m not accustom to older Somali women with large families working and driving…I know that sounds normal to many of you but doesn’t that go to show the dramatic difference?

The older generation of Somalis in the UK are quite happy living on handouts and have virtually no ambition to be bigger or better.

 

Obviously you all can’t relate to this as the majority of you are all educated individuals who do not see this on a daily basis. Either way it’s a comfort to know that we’re not all the same and that there are people out there who have chosen a different and wiser path.

 

I guess Faaraxov said it best...It's up to us to change, learn from what we liked and disliked about our up bringing and implement it.

[-Lily-]

^^^ I agree with you, the Khat & welfare situation is a problem for Somali men in the UK. And recently, they have discovered multiple wifes maintained on welfare

 

I know we roll our eyes when we here about Khat abuse, but I don’t think we really realize the extend of it’s destruction. Im not talking about Khat in general but Khat abuse, day in day out every night obsession thing.

 

Men have been removed of their responsibility by the state, and yes men will always be blamed because ultimately, they are responsible for the family. I'm glad though that the new generation of Somali fathers will be excellent role modles for their kids.

[opportunist]

I'm glad though that the new generation of Somali fathers will be excellent role modles for their kids :rolleyes: Dont be so sure....still light years away