English Cricket Team kidnapped by Somali pirates

[Paragon]

Story written: 07 August 2009

 

In developing news, the English cricket team, preparing to play Australia in the Fourth Ashes Test at Headingley, Leeds, has been kidnapped by Somali pirates who were touring the UK on a summer break from their desperado ways.

 

Reports suggest that the English players' bus was stopped by a cabal of Somalians enroute to their hotel room after a morning training session. The pirates boarded the bus and held a kalashnikov rifle to the driver's head and demanded he take the players to Leeds Airport. From here threats were issued and a suitably fuelled aeroplane was brought to the apron where the bus's contents were awaiting.

 

With the departing plane cleared for takeoff, Police were summoned however arrived, typically, too late to do anything to save the Ashes squad.

 

Fourteen hours later the plane arrived in Mogadishu, the Somalian capital.

 

The players were then transferred to a unknown destination (rumours persist that the Somalians themselves wanted to play the English in a five day cricket contest).

 

NB the bus driver has sent a secret text message saying that Somalia are 1 for 224 in reply to England's first innings score of all out for 38.

 

Source

 

[Paragon]

Somali Pirates Hijack International Space Station

 

Houston, Texas, June 28, 2009 -- Somali pirates hijacked and have taken control of the International Space Station, NASA sources announced yesterday. The pirates, who approached the vessel using small, inflatable spacerafts, are demanding a ransom "in excess of ten million dollars", according to Dr. Julius Vern, vice-administrator of NASA's International Space Station program, or they will destroy the vessel.

 

"We believe the pirates achieved access through the Harmony module after penetrating the ISS hatch security barrier," Dr. Vern said. The hatch security barrier, a Hide-a-key in the form of a small, ornate, artificial flowering shrub tethered just outside and to the left of the hatch, would be "revisited" in search of potential flaws following the incursion, according to Dr. Vern.

 

NASA said the current staff of the International Space Station, a six-member crew who are tasked with performing a four-month series of experiments on the effects of micro-gravity on the formation of sponge cake, were unharmed after taking shelter from the hijackers in high-security Kevlar sleeping bags.

 

The pirates are believed to be members of a Puntland-based warlord faction in northern Somalia, where recent satellite tracking shows a series of explosions indicative of inflatable spaceraft launch activities.

 

Due to the international nature of the International Space Station, response to the pirates' demands must be multi-lateral, leading to some cross-border rancor. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has urged the "immediately blowing up of the station and everybody on the inside of it" as a lesson to the pirates, while Canada, another important ISS collaborator, advocates a more nuanced approach that would preserve the multi-billion dollar investment in the station, as well as the lives of the astronauts on board.

 

An additional wrinkle in the ongoing crisis is a demand by the pirates for safe passage back to Earth, given that their spacerafts were destroyed by a meteor shower just hours after docking. With the Space Shuttle program currently in phase-out mode, there are no missions scheduled that could provide sufficient passenger space for the estimated nine pirates to be ferried back. The only viable alternative, a Russian Soyuz rocket, has been discounted as an option by Putin.

 

"At the moment, we don't know how this is going to end," Dr. Vern said. "We'll just have to ask our mission specialists to 'hang in there', and hope the Somali pirates don't eat the sponge cake."

 

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor

[Paragon]

Somali Pirates Kidnap Obama’s Teleprompter

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Four Somali pirates sneaked into the White House this morning and kidnapped President b. Hussein’s teleprompter, slinking away down to the Potomac River, where they escaped in an oarless crew boat and drifted toward the Chesapeake Bay.

 

Within minutes, the president pulled all three warships tracking another boatload of pirates holding a U.S. ship's captain hostage off the Somali coast and sent them racing toward the Suez Canal. They are expected to join at least a dozen ships mustered from U.S. naval ports around the Washington area, in about two weeks.

 

Marine attack helicopters were already flying over the crew boat as it floated toward the bay. Navy SEALs were said to be preparing to dive into the river, so they could intercept the crew boat before it reached the bay. Snipers were also lining up along the Maryland side.

 

“It’s one thing for pirates to kidnap an American citizen, but this current problem is a matter of national security,” said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. “We will pray for the safety of Richard Phillips, captain of the Maersk Alabama, once his captors reach shore in Somalia, but the administration is very, very upset about this latest development. The president has been crying and trying to speak, though we don’t know what he’s saying since teleprompter isn’t here. The vice president has already started in on his first six-pack of Budweiser for the day, and he usually waits until after church."

 

Gibbs, visibly shaking, said the president had hoped to resolve the Phillips situation peacefully with help from an international coalition, but he just ran out of time.

 

“The president will deal swiftly and decidedly with this group of pirates,” Gibbs said. “Make no mistake, this matter will end badly for them, especially if they harm teleprompter.”

 

There was no word on teleprompter’s condition at this time. It did try to send a message back to the White House, but its wireless relay was apparently malfunctioning. Using binoculars, this reporter could see what appeared to be the following message on its screen: “DON’T COME FOR ME. I ORCHESTRATED THIS ESCAPE. I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE ABUSE FROM THESE INCOMPETENTS.”

 

White House officials had no comment on the message, other than to attribute it to a possible virus uploaded by the pirates.

 

UPDATE: On a more serious note, the U.S. Navy, fine defenders of freedom that they are, drilled three of those smelly pirates holding Phillips in the ***, captured the other, and freed Phillips. What a fitting Easter it turned out to be indeed. God bless you, Mr. Phillips. And thanks, once again, to the men and women who serve this great nation....

 

UPDATE II: b. Hussein is fighting "the rise of PRIVACY." h/t: anonymous

 

 

Source: Feed Your ADHD