Ardo Askari Posted September 7, 2009 Except she is married to him and has fallen out of love with him? What would you advice her? According to her he doesnt make her feel special..Its sad cause they looked the IT couple,but i guess ppl can put on an act. Ps:They have a child together, and thats what my friend is sooo worried abt seperating a father from his child. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SeeKer Posted September 7, 2009 Ardo you probably know more than anyone here in SOL what the situation is. I doubt whether a stranger's advice can provide a better alternative than yours. Divorce is a hard thing especially speaking as a someone whose parents are divorced. Everyone handles it differently. Important thing to do is to be honest with each other (spouses) and to be upfront with the child. As long as a child has two parents that loves them and support them it is ultimately a better environment than one which the parents are constantly squabbling and unhappy. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ardo Askari Posted September 7, 2009 Indeed Seeker,but a lot of heads is better then one, so advice(good ones)are always welcomed.I personally think this girl would leave her husband if that child was not in the picture,but as a mother she is trying not to be selfish n block her feelings.I dont think that is a good idea but its a solution to her because she doesnt want her child to grow up without a father.Every woman wants a man that sweeps her of her feet,is spontaneous in suprising her with gifts etc.She has been married for 4yrs and in that time she says he only bought her a gift few times.Marka is this girl realistic or not? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SeeKer Posted September 7, 2009 ^^^ If her beef is that he doesn't shower her gifts maybe she needs to try to remember why she married the man. Marriage is not an easy thing and requires hard work and if she can honestly say that both parties have put in the effort to make it work and it still doesn't work then perhaps its time to cut your losses. Disclaimer:- Divorce is frowned upon in our religion but there are times when it is the only alternative. I am in no way saying this is the case with your friend. She alone can be the judge of that. I wish her the best. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Malika Posted September 7, 2009 Has this friend of yours express herself to her husband? If not she needs to do that first,without being confrontational about it..Just pick a good moment to have a heart to heart 'talk'. e.g "honey,you know I really would like if ......,it will make me feel really........" If she has and there hasn't been improvement,then perhaps involve a local marriage counselor from the mosque. She can create situations,make hints..or darn right be straight and tell her husband she would like him to buy her a present,take her out etc etc.. Walking away from 4yrs of marriage,with a child just because one does not get gifts is rather an easy way out of a commitment.. Falling in love and out of love is normal in a marriage, there are times your spouse would really get in your nerves and there are time..one can not live without them... Tell her to hang on in there, unless he is abusive..hadhii kale,she too can play her part in making herself feel special.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ardo Askari Posted September 7, 2009 Thanks ladies,Malika she has and has been doing it for a while now, having talks with him and each time he promises he will change.Let me make one thing clear this woman is a gr8 woman beautiful in and out.Why cant a woman have her needs fullfilled? I thought this all started because he resently lost his job and she was working n supporting the family.I thought her wearing the pants got to her but when we chatted she swore it wasnt that alone.It was the fact that she felt his love was just in da bedroom ,And i dont blame her i would feel the same thing if my man only showed me love when we got to the bed :mad: ...I just think that she is asking for more then this guy can deliver...He grew up in somalia and his vision of pleasing his wife is to put food down the da table ayadan waxeey rabta a romantic fella who buys her flowers n gives her foot messages! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Indhoos Posted September 7, 2009 ^^^I knew you would give a good advice...Help me out here... Marriages are based on Mowadah and Rahmah. The Mowadah (Romance, I believe) is fleeting and ends soon, but the Rahmah remains and keeps the couple together. So, after four years of marriage, it is not surprising that the Mowadah is gone... Besides that, it is in the nature of some people not to buy gifts or shower others with compliments and if that is the case she should have made his few attempts a celebrated moments so he gets in the habit of buying her gifts. She could also extent the gestures that she wants from him, to him. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chubacka Posted September 7, 2009 Don't tire yourself out Ardo, your not in their marriage, leave them to sort their differences out. You can make dua for them but @ the end of the day its up to them to chose how to move on from this. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Che -Guevara Posted September 7, 2009 It was the fact that she felt his love was just in da bedroom Kow, why are you saddened about that. If he could keep that end of the deal, then kudos. Secondly how did even creeped into the conversation. The woman should honor her contractual responsibilities. :mad: This seems to be "he was born in Somalia" divorce case If it's any helpful, as men, I mean all men shower women with gifts and endlessly talk sweet. It is energy consuming ritual meant to impress and fish in women. Once you are in the net, the ritual comes to cease. It is just impossible to continue with it since it's time consuming and money wasting. It also sets unrealistic standards of what romance should be Of course, all this is not say don't treat your wife or be kind/sweet to her-just everything in moderation. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Malika Posted September 7, 2009 Is she resenting him,for not being grateful that she has 'saved the boat' as it is by going out to work and provide,since he has been unemployed? I think there is a difference in telling someone,and asking someone to be considerate..When you tell someone to be 'loving',its like ordering them,but she can find ways of asking him to be of mind,that there is a need to up his game. She needs to do a soul search really,was this 'no romance' sudden or was it there from day one? Can she be considerate of him,as she needs to understand that perhaps being unemployed has taken a toll on her husbands confidence and instead of her beating him with ' show some love to me now' attitude,she needs to perhaps just take a chill pill and instead create a harmonious home/environment for both of them...Illa inta wilku shaqoo heleyaa and find his confidence back. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ardo Askari Posted September 7, 2009 ^gr8 points will dicuss with her insha allah.. Che-when she talked abt that she did not get into details,she was just saying that when day in day out he only expresses his feelings in da bed it means to her he just wants to get some and expression of his love ends then n their! Full filling a woman's emotional/sexual needs is not just in da BED ninyahoow Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Che -Guevara Posted September 7, 2009 ^Agreed, but she made sound like or maybe you that's actually detriment. She should thank him for expressing his sentiments when it comes to that department.Once he sees he's appreciated there, he would express his feelings when it comes to other things. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Malika Posted September 7, 2009 ^Men are simple creatures really, stroke them like a cat,they will roar like a lion,hunt like one too for you..heh Nevertheless, Illahi haa uu fududeyoo arintaan..amiin Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aaliyyah Posted September 7, 2009 I believe that if the couple have children together regardless of the situation they should stick together and work things out. Try to make it work is my advice to ur friend...but if it all comes to worse at least make sure that child has good relationship with her/his father. he only bought her a gift few times I must have missed this part ...gifts did you say? shes gonna divorce him and make her child fatherless cuz he doesnt give her gifts? lol...ok if i was in her shoes I would want gifts too but it wouldn't be the end of the world if he doesnt get it..am sure she can just go to the mall and buy herself all that she wants..and who knows talk to him abt how she feels.. seriously I can not imagine a life without my father and I would not want anyone out there to be raised without one. Talk to your friend and make her realize gifts are important but its not enough excuse to make her marriage end and leave her child without a father figure in his/her life. inshallah all will work out. salaam Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Buuxo Posted September 8, 2009 ^Ukhti,it's the thought and the gesture of gift-giving.And not the actual gift.We easily forget and take for granted our loved ones.Simple gestures like gifts ,little notes and telling your loved ones 'how you feel' can act as reminders to why they are so important. Ardo,These cases are all too common.And Somalis(men &women alike) forget the importance of showing 'love' in a relationship.This mentality of "Don't be silly,Why did I marry you if I didn't love you" or " maxaa caruurtisa uu dhalaayeye hadaan jecleen"is not going to make relationships solid.Dad qalafsan aan wada nahay runtii. Sometimes, I think we need seminars on "How-to-love and be loved" or Noleeynta Jaceeylka.I know many people that voice that ,their spouse does not bother with giving them 'hugs/hub '.Dadkii defense leey ku jiran,Subhanallah. I would advice your friend to make her issues known to her husband.And maybe she should lead by example.Does she express her affection? Does she hug and give gifts? Che,LoL@he was Born in somalia divorce case. Sheekadu ma sahlana marka. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
