khalid911 Posted January 10, 2009 I dated a girl for longest time (4yrs) we started talking on the phone with no intentions of relationship, but it started out to be interesting that we both decided to have a relationship though it was long distance basis. We connected and started emailing, calling, visiting and seeing each other more often as time passed. I was freshman college and she was in her mid highschool years, so we never talked about future though we were both happy to have such an honest relationship. Time passed and we started talking about future and one of us to move following graduation. Sometime in the past, we have had an issue of the limitation of my association with girls. It was not that I was cheating or anything, but most girls dont like their man having anything ANYTHING to do with other women, I just knew girls in my school and one way or the other we socialize with people whether it's school related or else. She hated that and told me she would drop anybody in a blink of eye have I felt bothered in those kind of situation. Though I resisted for time, I decided to discontinue socializing with women and avoid anyway I can just to respect my love. Now all of a sudden, she felt too comfortable and got a room to worry about other stuff like whether we have major differences, or if there will be a whole new ME when we move together(Personality differences) so I was with her and she confronts me with this out of the blue "Im confused, Im not sure if Im ready, I don't want to waste ur time, u hurt me many times with girls," .... I was so shocked because I never forced marriage, I just had the same respect she had for me and love. We both happily and openly talked about marriage soon since Im done with college. So I was thinking what's this whole thing, we did not even talk about postponing marriage or analyzing our differences. How can one jump to conclusion without identifying problem and seek for possible alternatives. So I did not try to be logic given that women mostly decide based on emotions, which is the only tool she was using. I just agreed with her for the time being and showed my self other targets in my life just to overcome the pain, but since that incident we have been talking randomly and she tells me there's still hope and she's more confused the fact that I've other women in my mind alternatively. To make the story short here is some facts or opinions I have from her that may help you feedback. She does love me She calls or text me to share about our relationship. She's young and going through a big transition of her life. She got bunch of new girlfriends She never cheats on me. Her family knows about me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
khalid911 Posted January 10, 2009 My worries is that I don't want to give up on her assuming that she's young girl who loves me and I should be the man to better our relationship since Im sure she does love me. But on the other hand, I dont to victimize my self being unrealistic and desperate, so that she'll even run from me. Therefore I should just move on with my life and get her out of my mind. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Abtigiis Posted January 10, 2009 Nobody can help you on this. You have the details of the matter and you alone can decide. Frankly, it is not even a big challenge. you are not yet married. If your love for her outweighs your concerns about her character, you will marry her. If not, you will not. I don't think you should marry her out of pity or consideration. My feeling is she loves you more than you do love her. It is unequal love relationship, like most. All the things she has done are not big deal. She just neeeds re-assurance. With that trust will come. the other possiblity is she is looking for excuse, but you already said she loves you. So, basically just try to re-assure her by returning her love in equal measure. If she is texting you twice, do it three times from your end, and so on. If that is not a soultion, drop her. She has no self-confidence which tells me she thinks she is the junior partner in this relationship. Maybe she thinks she is no match to you. Waryaa, be gentle but firm. And know that whatever decision you take now, you don't have to regret later after marraige. If it works, fine. If not, fine. Be sure you went into it willingly. That is the most important thing. That is what I preach, not necessarily what I would have done. I would have dropped her immediately, haddaan ani ahay. I mean, who wants wareer. Ma baanaan isguursane, goormaann buuq galaa? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Buuxo Posted January 11, 2009 So what's problem? What do you need feedback on bradar? Aawey Ibtisam, she's good at giving advice. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Malika Posted January 11, 2009 ^Lol,she would tell him where to get off,dating for 4yrs!..xaram,xaram! A&T,goormee noqootee Agony Uncle?..Loool. As for the topic,maxaan dahna dee! What was your aim in forging this lasting relationship with the sister if marriage wasnt in your mind? You must be a member of luugoyoo.com, gabadhaa hadaa niyaad uu heysaniin let her go hadhii kalee niin rag iska dig and follow the guides of our deen.Make an honest woman of her and save yourself in the process,xarantaan aad wadantaan iska dayaa hee..[taasi waa iga taloo] Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nuune Posted January 11, 2009 Ilaahay ha idin asturo! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
khalid911 Posted January 11, 2009 You guys just didn't get it. I don't need religious advice as I my self am a religious, and she's even better than me in that case. We don't live the same city, so what haram you're talking about? Is it wrong to have conversation with someone over the phone? coming back to to the issue, We were planning to get married this year, but all of a sudden she's not sure whether she does want, so basically we are not offically in a relationship now. Our status is "complicated". As she told me, she's afraid that things may not work out after marriage and therefore does not want to take a risk as she's still young and in college. At the same time she does not want to let me go because she loves me. The big dilemma I'm facing is that I'm not in a rush, but how can someone tell me they love me at the same time not sure to be with me to avoid risk of personality clush? Please if you don't understand where I'm coming from, you don't have to reply, I can go to the Masjid if I want religious advice. This is a social issue, not religion. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JUSTICE Posted January 11, 2009 To the poster, Give the girl sometime, let her think on her own. If you love her and she loves you, then what's missing is you two getting together under one roof, and that's what your looking for. Your future other half is just over analyzing and evaluating the situation, she is getting cold feet and every girl goes through that , believe me, I have been there. The doubts, Ifs and buts, what is he going to do to me, how he gonna treat me?????? Put yourself in her shoes and you will understand, I know you do , but try even more. Now all you need to do is try and talk to her in a way that will make her gain trust in what you two have, that's all you need talking and be nice. Good luck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nephissa Posted January 11, 2009 Everything has risk and no one knows 100% how anything will turn out. Getting married is always a big risk, there are never any guarantees about it and the future. Your GF can't live in a world of WHAT IFs, way waalan doontaa! Tell her to just tawakal calallaah and trust herself enough to know that whatever happens, she will be fine. Dalmar my dear, I hope things work out for you, and welcome to SOL. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Oz Posted January 11, 2009 Waryaa, Don't keep the girl waiting, do decide what you wanna do asap! Ps: too personal. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nephissa Posted January 11, 2009 ^ war he already knows what he wants , it's her that's making him wait. Sidee wax u fahantaa.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Oz Posted January 11, 2009 ^^ hey Naph, how you doing lady! been a while since Ps: ma bad , I blame Manchester United for beating Chelsea 3 nil Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sir-Qalbi-Adeyg Posted January 11, 2009 My advice would be to forget her, work on your life and career and don't trap yourself with marriage when you just finished college. unless of course she's worth it, either way it's your decision hombre. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
khalid911 Posted January 11, 2009 Thanks pple, I think you're right justice, I will just wait and give her to get over with her overanalyzing. The only one thing I want to be away from is being logical or to thinking critically. That just doesn't work for women. Im a good communicator, but I just think women have a built-in emotions driven mentality where you can seldom convince them unless they want to. Qalbi-Adeyg "work on ur life and career and not trap my self with marriage"???? Dont u know that we need to balance things out. I just feel it's a waste of time waking up in the morning to go to fulltime job and not having a beautiful doughter and wife in the house when you come back. Hope u got my drift...... BTW i'm not old, i just turned 25. oh shoot that's old. lol Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JUSTICE Posted January 11, 2009 I would say your still young, 25 is very young for a guy. Ignore Qalbi-Adeyg, I'm sorry but he has no feelings. Stick with your future other half no matter what.. she will come back to earth, we all do. Wa Salaam Alykum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
