Dating: How Many of Us Date ?

[Armstrong]

Salamu Alaikum,

 

In general, most of us know we are forbidden to date but still some of us date as they feel that they need to do this to fulfill certain needs and also some of us living in many countries which dating and free-mixing are encouraged come to face many temptations especially at school and work. Many of the people in these countries actively promote dating, For example:-

 

1. 98% of women in the West read romantic novels

2. Women underpressure to look good for men

3. Love films

4. Newspaper gossip columns and dating advertising and also explicit dating services e.g. hot telephone lines

 

5. Social Rejection

6. Peer Pressure

7. Social activities designed for women and men to enjoy i.e. clubbing,cinemas, hotels, motels etc.

 

Therefore, I am intrigued to find out what people in this forum think about the effects of dating and why some Somali people date? Do they perhaps feel there is nothing wrong with it or it has considerable effets ? Also has anyone had experience of dating which resulted in either positive or negative conseqences ? Either way tell me about it if you wish.

 

I eagerly await some responses.

[SCORPION_SISTA]

well mujahid let be the first to respond here since i been roaming this place for about an hour now.

well bro first of all i don't date but i read romance novels all the times and i like movies a lot even the romantic ones. as to why somali ppl date i guess as u said some live in cultures that promate it and encourges it. but i think a large reason is also peer pressure not only from american friends side but also somali side too. for example, two friends that are really close one starts dating and their friendship is not as tight as before so the one not dating begins to try to fill or not be bored by dating someone she might just like but has no potential of being serious about.

u know something i noticed about somali style of dating, is that they never tell their parents about them dating, i mean i don't see a guy coming to pick up a girl from her parent's home and stuff like that as is in the american culture, and i wondered why? maybe subconciously they know it is wrong or that it is not permeant relationship they having.

another thing i have seen is that somali ppl in general don't have middle grounds about relationship between men and women, they either related to ya or u must have interest in them, but what about other relationship between men and women? i think that this creates a pressure for them to see males in two ways either as boyfriends or male relatives which no relationship can be developed with.

well my sis is calling me now, so i guess that's my 1 1/2 cents on this topic, i will definitely would be interested in others view points, check back later, peace.

[Kool_Kat]

Well, I believe in dating before marriage... I know it is Haram... I date because I wanna date, so I can get to know the person a little better... I don't believe in arrangement marriages, or marrying someone i know nothing about, plain & simple... I was brought up in an open environment... Though my parents might not have agreed with me dating, when I started dating at a young age (About 16yrs)... My mother and I are very close, and she always knew where I am at and with whom... Even if she didn't approve of the person... Honesty is the key to any relationship, and that's what I have with my mother...

 

I like to date ppl, cuz that gives me the chance to get to know their likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, etc... If we have nothing in common, the no time will be wasted...

 

That's it from me... Ta ta...

[Manala_garaad_baa]

adting!well, we all know that dating is forbidden but so as so many other things.

 

as u said in the western world they promote and ecourage dating or mixing of males and females.

but ppl used dated back home, many ppl only date because they want 2 find out more @ this person as they want 2 settle and have good married life although it does not happen like that.

 

i have dated so many times and my family knew @ although they did n't like. it has so many different effect either pos or neg.

 

but that depent on u date; when u young and there are peer presure u may end up comminting sin. but as u grow up ur more able to stop u self comminting sin. althought is difficult as our Prophet SCW said " meesha ay nin & naag ay kali kunoqdaan waxaa wahaliya shaydaan".

 

now i don't date, any guy who want 2 relationship must came 2 house and talk 2 me there with the present of my mum or brother, as i am trying to follow rules of our diin.

and it is working very well. al xamdu lilaah.

salaam.

[petite]

I noticed that many of us say they don't "date". But what I want to ask is by dating, what do we mean?. I think there are different types..there are the: pick the girl up, take her to the movies, and depending on how far gone you are,,maybe get laid at some point.

For me I hate the word "dating", I believe it carries alot of baggage. It implies so many things..it sounds dirty. Another thing I dislike is the arranged marriage thing. I mean..come on, my mom is gonna choose someone for me?. W can't even agree the style of clothes we like!.

So here is what i like. I like "talking to someone". By this I mean, kinda like dating but NOT dating. No private time alone, no movies, no kissing, no touching.So basically what you doing is "talking", feeling the person out ya know. And you can meet in very public places..arrive in different cars etc.

So here is my philosophy: if you DATE in every sense of the term..you're bound for failure. Cause say you marry this person..how is something based soley on something HARAM gonna be successful?

peace out

[Lefty]

Maybe the way most of you intrepeted Dating is Ackward. I don't think There's anything wrong if people first get to know each other better before they think about marriage and That's not Forbidden.

[Rahima]

Looking at these forums I've always wondered, do my brothers and sisters realise dating is HARAM. Everyone seems to discuss it like its acceptable.

 

Of course Islam allows for us to get to know a person before marriage, you can't exactly marry a stranger now can you?

 

Maybe we should just learn the ways Islam has sanctioned for this to happen.

[Abdinuur]

I agree with Petite

 

Not a lot of people know the definition of the word DATING, so basically, it's a good idea to define the word before using it.

 

dat·ing [dáyting ] noun

 

1. the activity of going out regularly with somebody as a social or romantic partner

 

2. a special social meeting between a man and a woman; or boy and girl.

[Armstrong]

Salamu Alaikum,

 

I would like to show appreciation to everybody that spared time to positively contibute to this topic. I agree with the definition of Abdinuur here but in general I believe the term dating is rather self-explanatory. Neverthelss, the features of dating (what people are up to whilst dating) are not transparent. In general, dating is different from getting to know someone for marital purposes. Dating in the contemporay sense implies illegal way of men and women going out in order to satisfy their desires and for social reasons i.e. to say wow ! i got a girlfriend this would keep in line with the status quo of many western civilisations.

 

In addition, we are aware that before one considers marriage, the two individuals must get to know each other without there being any physical relationship. However, the 64,000 dollar question is " is the intention marriage or merely temporary relationship or even more extreme multi-patner relationship, where for example a man might posses more than one female companion? " This we know is much admired in the west where you are viewed as a cassonova.

 

At the end of the day, men want women and women want men, this is our nature. But to avoid many problems such as sexual transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies, illegitimate children, risk of family disownment and burdening society i.e. relying on welfare state as well as destoring one's future life we human beings need to satisfy our needs and wants in a away that it does not cause injurious effects to us and others. This why people commit to marriage and don't have any intercourse before marriage or outside marriage.

To link this to dating, dating encourages men and women to get toghether without commitment. I mean boy meets girl, they consent they go they seperate ways. Girl can be pregnant and suddenly out of those little acts, major dillemas arise for the parties involved. This is why dating is forbidden since one's intention is not marriage but temporary fun. Dating in the sense that a man and woman get toghether not commiting haram things and their intentions are marriage, according to my knowledge this is permissible.

 

I hope this is of some use and once again I thank those brothers and sisters who contributed to the topic in such refreshing and intelligent manner, I hope the All-Mighty grants us success in this life and most paramount in the here after.

 

PEACE ALL !

[QuruXley]

im just like kool kat.

i USE to date guyz.coz how else can u tell which guy is good.u gotta learn how to communicate be4 u get married.

 

so if he shows up un your doorstep one day and is like i wanna marry u and my mom will say:"waa will ficaan iiska quurso" and i don't know what he is like except that he has: a good job/high educated/well manners. but maybe he can't communicate so what am i gonna do with money and a high status.

 

thatz why i think dating is da perfect answer.

but whatz come along with dating?...each one has his own story to tell

[StarGazer]

Mujahid, excellent essay. Thanks for enlightening us and I also hold the same view. Wa salaam.

[Medley of extemporanea]

I try to be reasonable, and to me dating means spending time with someone with the intent of cultivating a romantic relationship. And I think this is a very important thing. Because without having a strong relationship with someone there is no way of caring for them, and without caring for each other, I think people should not marry.

 

Every time I see brothers at the masjid and it seems like they are talking about marrying this girl or that girl, and in 4 months they are divorced! The question I ask is why. And the answer I came up with is that these people never knew each other. And the reason they never got to know each other is that they think even talking to each other is xaraam. So they never talk or spend anytime together until they marry. Anyway, what am getting at is: talking to the opposite sex is not xaraam. Spending time with the opposite sex is not xaraam. Having sex before marriage is xaraam. Lets be reasonable.

[bilan]

it is kind of long but it is worth it

What is more stable in Islam, a love marriage or an arranged marriage?

 

Answer:

 

Praise be to Allaah.

 

The issue of this marriage depends on the ruling on what came before it. If the love between the two parties did not transgress the limits set by Allaah or make them commit sin, then there is the hope that the marriage which results from this love will be more stable, because it came about as the result of the fact that each of them wanted to marry the other.

 

If a man feels some attraction towards a woman whom it is permissible for him to marry her, and vice versa, there is no answer to the problem except marriage. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage.” (Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 1847; classed as saheeh by al-Busayri and by Shaykh al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 624)

 

Al-Sindi said, as noted in Haamish Sunan Ibn Maajah:

 

The phrase “We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage” may be understood to refer to two or to more than two. What this means is that if there is love between two people, that love cannot be increased or made to last longer by anything like marriage. If there is marriage as well as that love, that love will increase and grow stronger every day.”

 

But if that marriage comes about as a result of an illicit love relationship, such as when they meet and are alone together and kiss one another, and other haraam actions, then it will never be stable, because they committed actions that go against sharee’ah and because they have built their lives on things that will have the effect of reducing blessings and support from Allaah, for sin is a major factor in reducing blessings, even though some people think, because of the Shaytaan’s whispers, that falling in love and doing haraam deeds makes marriage stronger.

 

Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other. The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him. And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her.

 

So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later.

 

The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate.

 

Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful.

 

With regard to arranged marriages where the family chooses the partner, they are not all good and not all bad. If the family makes a good choice and the woman is religious and beautiful, and the husband likes her and wants to marry her, then there is the hope that their marriage will be stable and successful. Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) urged the one who wants to get married to look at the woman. It was narrated from al-Mugheerah ibn Shu’bah that he proposed marriage to a woman, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, “Go and look at her, because that is more likely to create love between you.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1087; classed as hasan by al-Nasaa’i, 3235)

 

But if the family make a bad choice, or they make a good choice but the husband does not agree with it, then this marriage is most likely doomed to failure and instability, because the marriage that is based on lack of interest usually is not stable.

 

And Allaah knows best.

 

Islam Q&A (www.islam-qa.com)

[Paragon]

I go to movies with a girl, we eat together in some places and have a laugh...is that dating?

 

Hey dating is when you start going out with someone with the intention of befriending that person to be your G-friend, like boy-friend-girl-friend thing. Just the early stages is what they call "Dating"

 

Dating = Going out

[Armstrong]

Salaams,

 

In reply to Tamina,thanks sis for colluding with me on this topic. I appreciate your support and kind words, this is what keeps me ticking on.

 

In reply to Haniif, I think dear sir your wires are abit crossed What do you mean brothers at the masjid get married without knowing the sisters and they fail in marriage after several months :confused: . I mean it is almost impossible to get married to a person you don't know but that does not mean you can cultivate romantic relationships before marriage. This would lead to utter failure and lack lusted marital relationship in the future as both patners will doubt each other,the man will think has this woman ever been with other guys and vice versa hence trust will be absent from the marriage. All you need to do sir is find the honey, talk and get to know her without there being any physical relationship, strictly no touching rule, then if you like her and she likes ya call the wadaad ( approach Taqwa ! lol) and hooyo to prepare the feast (bariis and hilib) and get married . If not, interview and approach another woman. Simple isn't Haniif ?

 

In reply to our fellow moderator JamaaL, man I expected a better effort from a senior member of da site, what do u mean taking a girl out, watching movies aint dating ? This is the classical tale of a typical date where boy takes girl to movies and drops her home, girl says come in for coffee lol and next thing one thing leads to another and u could commit Zina :eek: . Girl could get pregnant next thing you got 101 dillemas to solve and for sure even your augony aunt cannot help ya in this one.

 

Enough said... I am out to pester some more forum ppl

 

Mujahid Over and Out !