Pacifist Posted May 4, 2004 salaam Times And TImes again i have seen somali couples who are married and get divorced for what ever reason(lets not forget they have children--two or three kids) so they get divorced and yes the battles begins. They ARE constantly arguing, fighting over everything. Fighting and swearing infront of the kids. No respect for each other what so ever. AM JUST WONDERING WHY CAN'T WE JUST EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE DIVORCED and yes the bitterness is there why can't they just get along for the kids sack. Oky it didn't work out for some reason but why they have to act like school girl and boy who are in their teen years. Its like they are enemies to each other. Where did all the good memories go. We should show the kids although mommy and daddy are no longer together. They can still be good friends and share the kids loving, So my fellow Nomads what do you think about this situation that is really a problem in our somali society and what do we need to do about it. PEace and love Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Practical Posted May 5, 2004 Hasna, I like your topic, however there are some things I must get to before I answer your question….forgive me if I sound rude or offensive. First, there are a lot of factors that are taking place within our society that are more significant than couples who divorce. For instance, we should be concerned with our youth who take up drugs and get involved in gangs. Everyday we hear of 14 and 16 year olds who either are gunned down, or are incarcerated. Divorce is not essential in comparison to the issues that are taking place within youth. Back to the discussion at hand…..and forgive me if I sound vulgar, but there isn’t an issue here. It simply demands upon the individuals at hand. Not everyone who goes through this phase shows hostility to one another. A friend of mine is divorced, and he gets along incredibly well with his ex-wife. However, for those who don’t get along, all I can say is that they probably have a good reason for disliking one another. There might be a very good, logical explanation for it, if there isn’t, well then it’s up to them. There is nothing neither you, nor I can do, even if we had the answers. Simply put, it’s their life and they will do whatever pleases them. As far as swearing goes, they have been swearing in front of their kids while they were married, heck they were probably swearing at the kids in question. That is nothing new within our society. It is western adaptation to say “They ARE constantly arguing, fighting over everything. Fighting and swearing in front of the kids”. Maybe they curse due to frustration? What I am trying to get at (after so many expressions... :rolleyes: ) is you really don’t know what the situation is, and neither do I, thus we really can’t assume their behavior is due to lack of respect or tolerance for one another. That is a preconception, that is why I can’t provide a straight answer, and I don’t want to provide a bias answer, I don’t know the circumstances that led to the separation of a couple who had children. “AM JUST WONDERING WHY CAN'T WE JUST EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE DIVORCED and yes the bitterness is there why can't they just get along for the kids sack. Okay it didn't work out for some reason but why they have to act like school girl and boy who are in their teen years. It’s like they are enemies to each other. Where did all the good memories go? We should show the kids although mommy and daddy are no longer together. They can still be good friends and share the kids loving.” (Wow you do think like a westerner) Let me tell you why that happens on occasions and why it’s not common. 1) You had kids with your partner whom you have spend years with, and all of a sudden he/she wants a divorce (if it’s a woman, the man has to allow it…long story, check the Koran or ask your mommy). 2) You still harbor feelings of undying love for her/him, but they don’t return the feeling 3) Y’all don’t like each other, you did at one point but you fell right out of love because y’all annoy the hell out of each other that is the reason you separated. Every time you see each other, you are moved to curse at one another, or start an argument over little petty things. Wow,I must say,that was an incredibly long, but enlightening answer. I hoped I helped, if not, better luck next time. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LadyDotNet Posted May 5, 2004 Divorce is a problem in every society, it signals the destruction of a family, the end of the road for both parties. Divorce is painful to all that’s involved & most importantly the kids. When it comes to divorce you have two scenarios: 1) children 2) no children If we look at the second option its simple, no children - no attachment, no problem. Things are not working out; you have done you best to make it work than you can walk. No need to stay in contact, no need to look back, you go and find your feet. Ok, now here comes the moment of truth, children. Completely different outlook now, your focus is no longer about ‘you’ only the term ‘what’s best for the kids’ should always been on ones mind & lips. If the relationship has reached a point where both parties can no longer get along and divorce is inevitable than one needs to put the children needs on top of the priority list. I cannot understand why ‘grown’ people cannot get along ‘at least’ in front of their children. The way they address each other in close doors is irrelevant but they need to be aware how they conduct themselves at the presence of their children. In my opinion when respect disappears there is no marriage, but when divorce occurs it’s important that RESPECT is established for the sake of the children. When children are involved both parties have to put the children first as it’s their duty to get along, bear in mind I said ‘duty’ no choices given there. The way I see it, there is no more ’ME’ anymore – sounds like a selfish word when kids are involved, a mother is a privilege so those who can’t along with the children’s father/mother better try and do what they can to improve the situation as the connection will always remain, the father will always be the father & the mother will always be the mother, no escaping that. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NGONGE Posted May 5, 2004 Like the sister above said, divorce is something that happens in many societies. In ours however, it seems to happen more and more. There is no explaining why people don’t get along and choose to divorce. But, and this is where we differ from most people (IMHO); we seem to copy each other a lot in Somali society. When a guy opens a shop, ten guys open similar shops in the same street or two streets away from him. When a guy gets a job as a taxi driver, another fifty do the same. When a guy/girl does a degree in Business studies, a million others do that too (I’m aware of many others that don’t, so no protests please). Even in the way our houses are set up and decorated, you see mothers copying each other’s styles. Now, if we copy each other in everything, wouldn’t it follow that we would also copy each other in marriage and divorce? It’s standard practise not to get along with your ex-husband or wife in Somali society. Not because it’s right or wrong, but just because it’s “the done thing”. The other things about swearing in front of the children are the norm too (regardless of divorce). The brother above asked the original poster to forget about this and worry about teenagers joining gangs and getting killed! But, isn’t that also a result of divorces, badly functioning families and awful upbringing (in most cases, not isolated ones)? In many threads on this board, we see people wondering about family values, Somalis becoming westerners, Farax’s being rude, divorce and the phenomenon of single mothers! In most cases, everyone agrees that these things are wrong or sad. But what is the solution? Is it education? How would you educate that huge number of people in one go? What if they already know it’s wrong (which most do anyway)? Is it a matter of awareness then? How would you make people more aware? How would you instil long forgotten or ignored values in them? Would you ask every mother, father, teenage children, old men and women to come to SOL and read all these threads so they would remember their responsibilities? Would you go around Somali houses like a Jehovah’s Witness and try to “convert” them? Would you mention it to the Imams in the mosques and request that they dedicate the Friday sermons to these problems? We’re scattered all over the world but our problems are still the same. I apologise if my questions come across as patronising or simply far-fetched. I personally believe that the answer to many of our problems is wider awareness and discussion. Many of these problems are very simple problems that can be dealt with easily if given enough time and thought. How however could we have this awareness? How do we shape our culture so we can get rid of all these negative things while encouraging the positives to remain and attempting to enhance them? Again, I’m asking more questions! Bear with me for a minute and follow this vision I have; Lets assume we had a Somali satellite television station. One that aims to educate it’s people and air all their grievances. One that broadcasts hastily made soap operas that deal with all these little problems. One that gives the opportunity to young and old poets to recite their stuff that coin Somali predicaments in memorable ways. What we really need is some Positive Propaganda , man. I know most of what I said (and dreamed about above) will not solve all our problems but if it does nothing else, it will bring them to the fore and emphasise the urgency needed in dealing with them. I’m not talking about politics by the way. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pacifist Posted May 5, 2004 Mz Practical no offense taken thanks for your reply this was simply a thread for us to discuss our societies issues. Thanks a lot mz Always learning but when divorce occurs it’s important that RESPECT is established for the sake of the children. Always this is exactly what i was trying to say. Thank Ngonge Like the sister above said, divorce is something that happens in many societies. In ours however, it seems to happen more and more.quote the problem is increasing like you said. All the questions that you brought the table is what we need to ask our selves which are what is the solution? Is it education? How would you educate that huge number of people in one go? What if they already know it’s wrong (which most do anyway)? Is it a matter of awareness then? How would you make people more aware? How would you instil long forgotten or ignored values in them? Would you ask every mother, father, teenage children, old men and women to come to SOL and read all these threads so they would remember their responsibilities? Would you go around Somali houses like a Jehovah’s Witness and try to “convert” them? Would you mention it to the Imams in the mosques and request that they dedicate the Friday sermons to these problems? We’re scattered all over the world but our problems are still the same. I think we should adress all of these issues to better understand them. Ngonge i love your ideas right on the spot bring it on Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
A7LA-SHU Posted May 5, 2004 the only thing i can think of is. they are selfish ppl.. seriously if they were in love and were married. well it didn't work out right. move on and do what is best for the kids. but alot of ppl seem to forget the kids and only think of their wants and needs. so those couples are just being rude to each other for them lame reasons. and really don't care about their kids.. and i have even heard some of them sayin oh we never wanted the kid. which is bullshit.. they also need to grow up and act the adult they are. just don't be like on so he/she did this to me. well i'll do worst to her/him... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rudy-Diiriye Posted May 6, 2004 magnoona! i like what u saying! but we all know that women say one thing and then do another! so the q's 4 yah is this!!lol.. i will believe u if u gonna swear on the good book!! women always go for the last drew when the marriage crumples! their own selfish purposes and complete put the kids on the burner!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Raxmah Posted May 6, 2004 their own selfish purposes and complete put the kids on the burner!! ^^puhleaaase Rudy -- The word selfish aint on a mothers dictionary when it comes to her Kids. As for the topic -- As the way for people end a marriage is different for every individual..Your scenario is disturbing... I must say it happens- there are individauls who are so preocupied with themselves that the kids aren't in the picture -- there is really nothing a soceity can do -- it depends on the couple and the foundation of the marriage they had. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
A7LA-SHU Posted May 7, 2004 Raxmah tell him girl lol.. Rudy no mother who went thru all that 9 months, and giving birth which is like dymmmmmmmm. would ever ruin her own kids life just like that sweety. im not gonna blame the father or the mother but i think sometimes things get out of hand and ppl don't think right. they only think about how the other one did them wrong and how revenage is sweet (as we all know .. plus sheydan is there too to make everything worst. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Qac Qaac Posted May 7, 2004 Hasna is this a trap?... i won't even say anything, i being to this kind of debates b4... Rudy good luck bro... i would say this we are in, is because we neglect the religion... the way of life=islam.. and now this is what happens.. for the ms p.. i think devorce and the youth going on drugs, r kind of related.. no father figure at home, the boy does whatever his friends tell him to do, or whatever he thinks is cool. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pacifist Posted May 7, 2004 Qaac QC brother this is not a trap by all means but to acknowledge the issues of our people and yes i think that you are right. Absence of our deen is causing this problems. If we followed the laws of our deen the Shariah Law then at all means this problem would be less of an issue. Another problem due to this is miscommunications and the importance or the basis of an ISlamic Marriage.. what you guys think By the way the reason i posted this thread is simply the realization of this problems and the eyes that are going to read this thread may be just may be can be one person making a difference in their marriage or even telling someone about it Adios Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
