Marriage Hopefuls, Click here!

[Nur]

A Special Training Course

 

 

Marriage 101

 

 

A few weeks ago, my cell phone rang and to my excitement an old freind of mine was on the line, " Nur" he whispered," when are you visiting Kurtunwaarrey"?

 

I was speecheless, as I was actually looking for any pretext to pay a visit to that town, " Any time, brother hassan, " I said

 

In no time I was on the plane, as I landed on the runway, I called to inform him that I was in town, but first," I must take care of some business that was overdue." I explained.

 

When I was done by the afteroon, I paid a visit to my friend's training Center, " salaams Hassan" is this your new venture" I asked

 

"Yeah, Nur, what do you think about the design" , I paused and said that it was " awsome"

 

" Let me show you around Nur". he said taking me around the Center, a lavishly furnished office that does not resemble a training center. " You see, this room is the ....... and thas is ..... ect"

 

Once I was done with tour, we sat at his office, with a view of the entire Center.

 

" So, this is your newest venture?" I asked in curiosity

 

"Thats right, brother Nur, I have told my staff about your unique education ideas and we have actually put some of them on the curriculum, we have started a traing center that trains marriage Hopefuls about Marriage, no one seems to offer such a course and demand is sky rocketing, its killing us, I have no place to accept applications"

 

"You mean you train marriage hopeful couples" I wondered

 

" No, they come as idividuals in separate classrooms for men and women" he responded, and continued saying"But we are in trouble Nur, we need ideas and course work urgently, when i first started the program, I designed the coursework along the line of management training curriculums, but the number of people signing up for the Marriage modules are dwarfing all other courses, not mentioning our lack of trainers who can captivate these young marriage hopefuls for an hour."

 

"Well, I must congratulate you for such a badly needed training service, I have no doubt that it will be a sell out, but a good course work develpment would be desirable for long term growth of the program" I reasoned

 

"Nur, I know that you are a busy man, I am williing to pay for your travel expenses and time if you can teach the most difficult courses in this Center: 1. Introduction To Emotional Intelligence with Emphasis on Marital Sensitivities. 2. Body Language, and 3. Male/Female Mood Management Laboratoy "

 

 

To be contiuned................................................................

 

 

Question: Would you sign up for such a course if it was offered in your neighborhood?

 

Would you require a fiance to take such a course for consideration if proven successful?

 

 

Nur

 

 

2006 eNuri Social Work

Building Future Homes

[Faheema.]

^^^ No, because there is no way “theoretically†one can teach such skills. Marriage, as with any other life experiences unfolds with current events, thus their future will lie upon certain outcome and or quandary. However much one ties to “prepareâ€, eventually it will come down to characteristics…Are you Serene? How much can you tolerate? Can you admit when you’re wrong? ect ect…

 

 

Q. Have Somali men/woman become that incompetent, that eNuri Social Work has been forced to take action? :confused:

[Haneefah]

^Well sis, if we don't 'theoretically' learn how to prepare mentally, psychologically or even physically for certain transitions in our lives (of course, the Qur'an and the Sunnah being our sources), how then will we be able to face those future challenges practically, how will we restrain our nafs and cultivate its goodness when it wants to deviate and do wrong, how will we acquire those very noble and imperative characteristics if say, one does not inherently possess them?

 

To answer your Q Nur, YES! I would gladly sign up for it not only if it was being offered in my neighborhood but anywhere that would be in my capacity to travel to. I do often have to travel for courses.

[Faheema.]

^^^ I see your point sis, and yes there are certain aspects in life you can prepare yourself, [i.e test, job, personal goal ect]…in order to face those future challenges….and that is all well and good because ultimately is you and you alone who has the final say in whatever the outcome. However, as you know when there is more than one party involved things can get rather complex…psyche yourself up, but when it comes to the crunch, it is make or break for those who possess and those who lack.

[Legend of Zu]

^^^Wise words the Feline one..

 

As for Haneefah...The knowledge or the quran and sunnah does not guarantee the longivity of the marriage neither does it guarantee that the other person will apply to the same level as you. when it comes to the interaction between the couple the Quran and Sunnah teach them their rights and advises them to opt for the kheyr in all matters even when it comes to the final separation i.e divorce.

 

Simply put, a pious couple (who are wonderful ppl standing alone) could be disastrous when you put them together! becus of their personality being different to the extend that their maraiage collapses within short period...

 

On the other hand a non muslim couple could stay together for 50 years or more. how would you explain?

 

Cheers

[RendezVous]

Encouragement of Marriage and having Children

 

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful

 

Encouragement of Marriage and having Children

 

Read more here

 

Islam encourages the young Muslims to get married and have children. The Prophet [sallallaahu alayhi wasallam] said, 'O young people, whoever of you can afford it, let him get married. It helps restrain the eyes and preserve the private parts. But if he cannot afford it, let him fast, for it works as a preventative.'

 

He also said, 'Marry fertile women, I will be showing off your large number of the day of resurrection.'

 

 

& some more links

[Haneefah]

The knowledge or the quran and sunnah does not guarantee the longivity of the marriage

And ignorance does my dear brother? :confused:

 

One has to understand that nothing and nobody can guarantee anything on this earth even if it's worth an atom's weight, for that is a domain exclusive to our Creator and Him alone. Having said that, He guarantees me, as His slave, that if I wholeheartedly submit to His will and sincerely follow this manhaj that He has prescribed for me as a sign of His Mercy (which is completely inclusive and I should accept as a way of life literally), then I shall lead a successful life on this earth and the hereafter.

 

In that light, marriage is a critical element of my success in this dunya and has thus been made a religious duty for me. I have also been commanded to seek excellence in all of my affairs as a believer. Thankfully, Allah did not neglect me and burden me to discover the ways on my own but instead gave me a clear methodology with respect to pursuing that excellence. As a result, I am expected to seek knowledge in any form and continuously improve my learning whilst perfecting my khuluq in order to fulfill the uluuhiya of Allah (swt).

 

All in all, this blessed institution of marriage, as you would agree, demands seriousness as well as full consciousness of what it encompasses. It's not one that should be approached with trivialty in any mannner. Therefore, my initial response was simply pointing out the significance of preparing for this aspect of life and attaining all the tools necessary to make it successful (though you will not have all the answers, you will definitely be better equipped). However, thinking that the Qur'an and the sunnah only give us advice and inform us of rights alone is not the right understanding.

 

neither does it guarantee that the other person will apply to the same level as you.

Of course not! However, let me remind you that in the sunnah of our truly exemplary and beloved prophet (saw), we are given specific criteria when it comes to choosing a partner: the deen and the khuluq. Thus, when I am choosing a partner, I have to seek one who has the capacity to be my partner in faith and spirituality; one with whom I can build a successful Islamic family above all else.

 

a pious couple (who are wonderful ppl standing alone) could be disastrous when you put them together!

First of all, no matter how knowledgeable, pious, impious or evil we happen to be, whatever was meant to befall us will never miss us, and whatever was meant to miss us will never befall us! However, piety is what is inculcated in the heart and authenticated by deeds, walal. Piety and an inability to conquer ones own lower, earthly and carnal self simply cannot coincide, just doesn't make much sense. The pious couple may very well have minor reconcilable differences, but they should always be united by their strong faith in God and His reverence which supercedes everything else. Hence why I can't quite conceive the union of two righteous souls resulting in a 'disaster'.

 

On the other hand a non muslim couple could stay together for 50 years or more. how would you explain?

How do you explain an incredibly wealthy non-believer or an extremely compassionate and humane one for that matter? They too are the creation of Allah (swt) whose lives and sustenance are in His hands. They too have been blessed with rational faculties with which they can think and reflect, with which they can choose right from wrong (of course, inspired by the fitra of Allah swt). There's also those who are the people of the script, religious and uphold high moral and ethical values. Similar to us, their religious beliefs dictate their way of life. I 'm sure I don't have to illustrate the devestating consequences of drifting away from religion and towards secularism in these very societies we live in today.

 

In essence, Islam is inclusive and should be taken just as that! That is my understanding, though it may very well be limited. I seek Allah's forgiveness If I've said anything incorrect.

 

PS: Bro Nur, I apologize for going off on a tangent a bit, I strongly felt I had to address the brother's points in detail

[Legend of Zu]

:

Originally posted by Haneefah:

And ignorance does my dear brother?

Well I don't know how you can deduce from what I said that ignorance is better than knowledge…but saying that I have realised You have not understood the point Fabiana and I made in the above posts. The Notion was - You can prepare as much as you like - but once you entered the institution of marriage, the rules of engagement change.

 

One has to understand that nothing and nobody can guarantee anything on this earth even if it's worth an atom's weight, for that is a domain exclusive to our Creator and Him alone.

Now that you have agreed nothing is guaranteed - lets examine your qualifications of the above statement.

 

Having said that, He guarantees me, as His slave, that if I wholeheartedly submit to His will and sincerely follow this manhaj that He has prescribed for me as a sign of His Mercy (which is completely inclusive and I should accept as a way of life literally), then I shall lead a successful life on this earth and the hereafter. In that light, marriage is a critical element of my success in this dunya and has thus been made a religious duty for me.

I agreed with you on this as a general rule but divorce or hard-times in marriage doesn't constitute unsuccessful life... So i don't know how you use as support for your argument

 

All in all, this blessed institution of marriage, as you would agree, demands seriousness as well as full consciousness of what it encompasses. It's not one that should be approached with triviality in any manner.

I don't get it...I can recall anyone saying it is a trivial or a joke???

 

However, thinking that the Qur'an and the Sunnah only give us advice and inform us of rights alone is not the right understanding.

...First you decided to omit the part where I said "The Quran and The Sunnah advice us to opt for the kheyr in all matters even divorce" I don't see you saying anything new that is not covered by that statement...

 

Of course not! However, let me remind you that in the Sunnah of our truly exemplary and beloved prophet (saw), we are given specific criteria when it comes to choosing a partner: the deen and the khuluq.

Well thanks for the reminder, but have you pondered in this hadeeth, why the khuluq was regarded as separate to the deen? and let me remind you that When Aisha (RA) was describing the Prophet (SAW) she said " Kaana Khuluquhu Al Quraan " roughly translated His khuluq was the quran...I suggest you seek the meaning behind the separation...not that you haven't sought it

 

Thus, when I am choosing a partner, I have to seek one who has the capacity to be my partner in faith and spirituality; one with whom I can build a successful Islamic family above all else.

..I can't recall saying you don't have to

quote:

However, piety is what is inculcated in the heart and authenticated by deeds, walal. Piety and an inability to conquer ones own lower, earthly and carnal self simply cannot coincide, just doesn't make much sense.

I think here is where we depart - I whole heartedly disagree with what you implying here...Divorce or unhappy marriages are not entirely due to the fact that someone has befallen for their lower and earthly or carnal pleasures...

The pious couple may very well have minor reconcilable differences, but they should always be united by their strong faith in God and His reverence which supercedes everything else. Hence why I can't quite conceive the union of two righteous souls resulting in a 'disaster'.

Well in terms of marriage they could be the opposite to each other from the simple issues to the big irreconcilable differences...ooh well…it happened at the times of the Prophet (SAW)...Sahaabahs divorced...wonderful warriors, pious in their every deed, have divorced.

 

Walaaleey let alone any other differences - labada isqabta way is nici karaan...One may say "I don't like this person and I don't want to be with them anymore" and the whole marriage would collapse...

 

Let me say this as in conclusion...before and after are quite different when it comes to marriages... and no matter how you prepare you will be in for surprise!... As I agreed with you before Du’a and Istikhaarah make a lot whole of difference…Again every Muslimah and Muslim should know their rights as well as their partners and when dealing with them they should always opt for the Kheyr.

[Didi Kong]

Originally posted by Legend of Zu:

Simply put, a pious couple (who are wonderful ppl standing alone) could be disastrous when you put them together! becus of their personality being different to the extend that their maraiage collapses within short period...

 

On the other hand a non muslim couple could stay together for 50 years or more. how would you explain?

 

I might be getting a little technical here but I'm sure you've heard of the saying that one completes half their deen when they get married, well in actuality this only happens when someone marries a pious individual. Hadii kale they do not! So a failed short-term marriage to an outstanding person in the sight of Allah might be a lot more rewarding than a life time of happily married bliss with a so-so individual. So in essence longevity might not be everything. capisce Mr. Zu? I guess what sister Haneefah is saying is that with the right preparation you are equipped with the right rules of engagement and that might even help set the tone for out of control situations by making them more controllable.

[RendezVous]

We atleast have very intelligent and knowledgable people here and I am proud

[Haneefah]

Didi, for a moment there I thought I was being vague in expressing my views on the subject, however, looking at your comments I realized that perhaps I wasn't

 

Well I don't know how you can deduce from what I said that ignorance is better than knowledge

I did not deduce anything more than what you wrote, I merely questioned you on the alternative to what you seemingly disapproved.

 

I have realised You have not understood the point Fabiana and I made in the above posts.

Let's get this right, the sister clearly expressed her opinion about the subject which was that one can prepare (hint: not invalidating the notion of preparation/learning), however, things can get rather difficult because another individual's life is involved. That is true and I don't deny it because marriage and life in general is full of struggles and complexities.

 

You, on the contrary, neither explicitly formulated your own views on the subject matter, nor stated your agreement with the sister's points. All you have managed to do, in my opinion, was to introduce a counter argument to my statement about the Qur'an and the Sunnah as a source of preparation. How, you might ask? Well, you began by stating that knowledge and the Qur'an/Sunnah do not promise one success (in your words, longevity) in marriage, then you went on and introduced two supporting scenarios of which one was a pious couple whose marriage was unsuccessful and another was a non-Muslim couple whose marriage turned out to be a success. Therefore, if anything, this argument was downplaying the role of piety in marital success than it was the importance of preparation. See, I'm not a mind reader, I can only work with what's written here, but hopefully that was inadvertent on your part

 

The Notion was - You can prepare as much as you like - but once you entered the institution of marriage, the rules of engagement change.

Though that's not exactly the notion you established, nonetheless, I absolutely agree with you on the last part. The rules of engagement do change because a whole set of specific rules of engagement pertaining to marital/family life have to be adopted and utilized (yaci, the core of my argument). But as far as I know, again, one does not innately possess the knowledge of these rules. Thus, in some form or another, they have to acquire it through learning (but of course, one can choose not to ).

 

quote:

---

One has to understand that nothing and nobody can guarantee anything on this earth even if it's worth an atom's weight, for that is a domain exclusive to our Creator and Him alone.

Now that you have agreed nothing is guaranteed - lets examine your qualifications of the above statement.

What that sentence was actually implying is that nothing is guaranteed except what Allah subhanahu wata'ala guarantees. So NO, I have not agreed to the idea that nothing is guaranteed.

 

I agreed with you on this as a general rule but divorce or hard-times in marriage doesn't constitute unsuccessful life... So i don't know how you use as support for your argument

First, what to you may seem like a 'general rule', to me plays a role in each and every aspect of my life (very specifically, in other words, it is the driving force of my life). Second, please try to understand my points in the context that I present them (context being Islamic). Third, divorce is not the issue here, but rather preparing for marriage. What I said was marriage adds to one's success in this dunya ( Islamically) because it's a form of ibaadah; and performing ibaadah means success to me. Though divorce is something that is highly discouraged in Islam, it doesn't necessarily mean that it constitutes failure in life for it's only one part of life; one that can actually at times carry kheyr--when for instance being in that marriage stands in your way of fulfilling your duties to Allah (swt).

 

First you decided to omit the part where I said "The Quran and The Sunnah advice us to opt for the kheyr in all matters even divorce" I don't see you saying anything new that is not covered by that statement...

Sorry, it wasn't my intention to do so, but the fact still remains. I can't emphasize how much more our deen covers about marriage/marital life/family life...from the detailed practical ettiquettes to the deep and emotional/psychological aspects and to more importantly, obligations. Unfortunately, time does not permit me to present in detail the little I know of everything our deen teaches about marriage, however, I'm hoping that Bro Nur will take the pleasure of doing that in his Marriage 101 Insha'Allah.

 

 

have you pondered in this hadeeth, why the khuluq was regarded as separate to the deen? and let me remind you that When Aisha (RA) was describing the Prophet (SAW) she said " Kaana Khuluquhu Al Quraan " roughly translated His khuluq was the quran...I suggest you seek the meaning behind the separation...

Alhamdulilah I have, and if I did not understand the distinction between the two, I would not have stated perfecting the khuluq as a path to fulfilling Allah's cubuudiya (the very purpose of our existence). However, though the two may be different, the khuluq should not be exclusive of the deen, but rather in accordance with the deen. This is emphasized when the Rasul (saw) describes to us his mission by saying what's translated as: "I have surely been sent, only, to complete the most excellent ways of akhlaaq" In other words, to help us undertake the journey of cubuudiya to Allah subhanahu watacala (under which marriage comes of course ) So when we are told to seek partners according to their deen and khuluq, it means you should seek a pious individual whose piety is manifested in their akhlaaq, ie with excellent akhlaaq.

 

I whole heartedly disagree with what you implying here...Divorce or unhappy marriages are not entirely due to the fact that someone has befallen for their lower and earthly or carnal pleasures...

I respect your stance walal, notice though, the self(or the nafs if you will) which is what I said, is very distinct from the desires it may be enslaved by or the adverse entities that bring about its destruction. If you reflect on the primary causes of marital conflicts (ie greed, jealousy, hatred, arrogance, anger, intolerance, transgression, oppression etc etc.), you will begin to realize that the vast majority, if not all, arise from the diseases of the qalb. Diseases that not only impact our marital lives, but other aspects of our lives as well. Alhamdulilah though, for Islam gives us specific remedies and instructs us clearly on how to eradicate these diseases and bring the self to a very peaceful/purified state. I guess, you really have to have a strong appreciation for the Islamic psychology of the self to understand the gist of my reasoning here.

 

it happened at the times of the Prophet (SAW)...Sahaabahs divorced...wonderful warriors, pious in their every deed, have divorced.

You really seem to be stuck on the idea of divorce bro. Surely, I don't deny its existence, after all, it's an option Allah made available to us. Nevertheless, it's an option abhored by Allah and one that should be sought only as a last resort, despite the fact that some Sahaabas (may Allah be pleased with them) resorted to it due to extinuating circumstances.

 

Walaaleey let alone any other differences - labada isqabta way is nici karaan...

Inkastoynan iskanicidu meel magaceed ahayn, walal, (like, honey, I just don't like you anymore, I think we should seek divorce ) kaba dhig iney dhacdo saa waa dareen Ilaahay nagu abuuray. Lakiin, taa iyo wixii la mid ah ba ii diidi maayaan inaan wuxuu Ilaahay i faray sidaan ugu aflixi lahaa falowgeeda galo. Sidaan hore usheegay walal, mar walba wuxuu Ilaahay kuu qorey umbaad heli ama ku sugaya, lakiin dadaalkuna wa wax lagu faray oo inaad dhaliilsho eynan ahayn

 

Let me say this as in conclusion...before and after are quite different when it comes to marriages... and no matter how you prepare you will be in for surprise!... As I agreed with you before Du’a and Istikhaarah make a lot whole of difference…Again every Muslimah and Muslim should know their rights as well as their partners and when dealing with them they should always opt for the Kheyr.

Alahamdulilah. Perhaps you should have stated this as your intro, it definitely would've set the tone right :cool: