Sh!tting the American Way

[Modesty]

Asalaamu Alaykum...this is a funny article that discusses why Americans don't wash their **** after defecating, and one American man's discovery of cleanliness. Ain't it great to be muslim, at least we don't have feces stuck to our undergarments.

 

___________________________________________-

 

America’s Unwashed Assholes:

 

Those who eat, also shit. Up until about ten months ago, I knew of only one way to shit: the American Way.

 

In the American Way of shitting, you sit on a toilet, defecate, and then wipe your *** clean with dry toilet paper. Very simple. However, there is one problem with this American Way: it does not work very well. Even after repeated wipings with fresh dry toilet paper, some of the fecal matter that passed thru the asshole remains sticking to the body. By following the American Way, one of the end results is dirty underwear.

 

Over the years, I had heard the phrase dirty underwear said by others and also used in the media. Although I had never heard anyone say exactly what they meant by dirty underwear, I always understood it to be a reference to underpants with shit smears, since, after all, my own underpants after a shit typically had shit smears by the next day, becoming dirty underwear in need of washing. Searching the Internet for the phrase dirty underwear, I came across confirming statements including the following:

 

… after 12 years of marriage one of my biggest challenges is getting the shit stains outta his underwear …[19]

 

With middle age comes changes: both the mind and the body decline in various ways. I entered middle age about a month after my 41st birthday, undergoing the various bodily changes—such as a decrease in how much the bladder can empty—that are described in the medical literature. Also, in my first month of middle age, my former ability to do mental work about 70 hours per week—in my case, programming work—rapidly declined to about 40 hours per week (after I had experienced this mental-work decline, which has remained unchanged since then, I understood where the 40-hour work-week came from).

 

Although for the most part the big middle-age changes that I experienced happened to me in that first month of middle age, there have been a few lesser changes that have happened in the last few years. One of these lesser changes was that I was apparently becoming intolerant to the leftover fecal matter that remained after wiping with dry toilet paper. In an effort to address this problem I searched the Internet and learned that the majority of the people in the world use water to clean their asses after shitting. In Europe, for example, the bidet is used for this purpose.

 

For my problem I concluded that I needed to wash with water, like the majority of the people in the world were already doing. The problem for me was how to do this, since my own bathroom, like most bathrooms in America, does not have a bidet or its equivalent. While pondering this problem roughly ten months ago, I was about to sit on the toilet and take a shit when I had an idea: use the toilet-bowl water (for those who don’t know, the standard American toilet bowl, which one sits over when shitting, has a lot of water in it, which is replaced with fresh water each time one flushes the toilet).

 

After briefly thinking about my idea I decided to try it: I shitted as usual, wiped off with toilet paper as usual, and flushed as usual; then I did something that I had never done before: I reached my hand down into the toilet-bowl water (I felt very strange doing this the first time), scooped water into my hand, raised it to my *** (specifically, the asshole and surrounding region), and used my fingers (primarily my index finger) to rub the area clean (repeatedly scooping more water as needed while doing this). When done, I flushed the toilet again, and then went to the sink and washed my hands as usual. After that first time I quickly settled on the procedure that I have been following since, which is the same as already described except with an added cleaning around a wider area after that second flush (this second flush and cleaning follows the initial flush and cleaning that focused primarily on the asshole and its immediate surrounding area).[20]

 

The first time that I cleaned with water the result was so good and so immediate that there was no turning back. My problem was solved. And as a side-benefit I no longer had dirty underwear (it took me a few months before I realized that there was no reason to keep changing my underpants at the old rate).

 

So, how many Americans use water, at least to some extent, to clean themselves after shitting? A recent new-product announcement by a major manufacturer of toilet paper provides some numbers:

 

Research conducted by Kimberly-Clark shows that consumers agree that moist methods clean and freshen better than dry toilet paper alone. The results of a recent Kimberly-Clark survey showed that 63% of respondents have used a moist cleansing method after toileting and one out of four use a moist cleansing method on a daily basis. [An AP news article, New Toilet Paper To Be Introduced, by David Koenig, put it this way: The company surveyed 2,000 consumers and found that 63 percent of them occasionally used something wet—often a baby wipe or regular toilet paper sprinkled with water—after going to the toilet. About a quarter did it daily.] [21]

 

Thus, it seems that the majority of Americans typically do not use any water to clean themselves after shitting. Once again Americans are peculiar when compared to the rest of the world. And once again the explanation is the concentration of wealth: America’s unwashed assholes contribute to the concentration of wealth in many ways, including:

 

More toilet paper is sold, because without using water a lot of toilet paper is needed just to get partially clean.

More laundry detergent is sold as underpants are washed more frequently to remove those shit stains.

More associated cleaning and deodorizing products are sold as people try to compensate for the effects of having unremoved fecal matter on their bodies and clothing.

Both the government schools and the American media are completely silent on this subject of using water to clean oneself after shitting. Thus, the widespread ignorance, including my own recent ignorance, on this subject.

 

The reason that there is never any information about cleaning with water after shitting is because cleaning with water is free. In America, when something that is free and effective competes with alternative products that cost more, then either that free product is criminalized or it gets the silent treatment.

[Jacaylbaro]

Ohhhhhhhhh ,, DAMN ! ! ! ,,,,,, is that ,,,, ???

 

SPEECHLESS ,,,,,

[Geel_jire]

LOOOOOOOOOOL !

 

i swear, i was laughing so hard, i started to cry.

 

damn, couldnt the guy, write in 3rd person or something, instead of referring to his, own A**hole.

[AdivA]

Salam,

 

A while back, for some odd reason, a friend of mine and I described to this white girl how we use water after using the toilet. To my surprise this chick started laughing her a** off saying.."water?, who uses water?". Thus, from that day on, I've refrained from communicating too much with the caucasian race.

 

Peace

[Jacaylbaro]

Sh!t ,,, i was thinking of marrying those Americans ,,, but seems NO WAY ,,,, never use water ???? ,,,, UFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF ,,,