Forced or arranged.

[Ibtisam]

Try to put yourself in my position, see the world for once through the shade upon my eyes, the lens by which I use to focus on the world! Now feel the way I felt when I was pushed into the most uncomfortable position I had ever come across; to choose between the advices of some of the most influential people in my life, and that of people whom truly cared for my interests. Imagine being torn apart; dividing your love, your once sole commitment; you’re so called loyalty, where do at that point in life, where do you turn? Who can you look towards for an unbiased opinion?’

 

Yes Allah (SWT) has given us a clear sign that we were all created with the intention to marry one day, but the process of finding this ‘mate’ is an extensive hassle for some. As R. Maqsood in her book, describes marriage as not a mystical element of matches ‘made in heaven’, or a contact which can only end with ‘death do us apart’ but more of a “social contract which brings rights and obligations to ordinary men and women, and which can only be successful when these are mutually respected and cherished’’ (Maqsood, p 191)

 

The atmosphere is tense. The whole house knows what is taking place, it is time. The time to look upon ‘potential’ partners, faced with what seems to be the most extreme communication problem that has ever occurred (a long time after you started babbling as an infant, then saying random words, and before you knew it, you were talking). You sit there, in the ‘family room’ aptly named, as that is where you all come together for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and to watch some bogus channel that only your parents really have an interest in. Your whole outlook on ‘who to trust’ is being severely tested as you look around the room, your mother, your father, your uncle (or maybe two, if you have the whole extended family) your big brother, the little brother, your sisters, your nieces, nephews, and even your pet cat, not to mention the fish swimming blissfully free in the tank, although they’re not really free (you think to yourself) because they’re in a tank! You hear your father tell you of how the potential partner is so nice (nice can mean many things right?), he or she is so lovely that you couldn’t ask for more (almost like your being spoilt but told about it first so that you start to appreciate it, before you even have it). You think to yourself (which you seem to do a lot these days) yikes this is (like) harder than any academic test I ever had to be prepared for during my adolescent years, which in the end after that much preparation I didn’t really care about, but this, it’s real, this will affect the rest of my life on this Dunya (shock and horror is seen on your face at the seriousness of what is going on)! Surrounded by many voices, all of which seem to be pumping their own affairs, how can one draw up any conclusion?! The fear is that the negative thoughts of what you hear about what happens to others (ahem, could happen to you?!), in what seems to be ironically the similar situation your finding yourself in, where the ‘potential’ is from ‘back home’ your from here, born and bred in fact, totally immersed into the society, your culture, the way you talk, walk, dress even what you watch on telly, okay, so you’ve established your from here (as in the UK,) a British Citizen I might add (which is significant). They (now ‘they’ can mean anyone, from the eldest of elders of elders to the most newly acquainted fools you happen to come across) tell you, yes, they tell you, not ask you, there’s a huge difference there! Its like you wake up one day, and they have the rest of your life planned out for you, all you need to do, is keep silent and go with the flow, as they say (although the flow is in a different direction, to what your used to).

 

Finally logic kicks in, your craving for what is right and wrong, and the fact that you’re a Muslim seems to give you more confidence. You question yourself, is this really what I want to do? Is this really what I truly see my future as? Or is this just the pressure of emotional, blood ties pulling at the sentimental strings of the heart, which you feel obliged to satisfy by saying YES?!

 

Although marriage is encouraged to take place at a young age, as H. Khattab has said “there are certain guidelines laid down in Islam, to help things run smoothly: first the way to find a partner, then the rights and duties of both husband and wife” (Khattab, p38). Like any process in life there is a distinctive way in which to carry out obligations. One should not feel at all pressurised by those around him or her. This is not practised as much as it is preached.

 

Once again you tend to fall into asking yourself questions (the life questions), which you can actually answer yourself. For instance, for whom and what purpose am I living? First and foremost it is for my creator, I am here to serve my Lord. Therefore in terms of religious logic, yes parents have a religious duty to find a suitable partner for their beloved children. But not culturally dictate and use ‘arranged’ as a pretence for the whole world to show them that yes, I have given my child the ‘freedom of choice’, and look at how good they are, they have chosen the exact same choice which I put forward to them (well done and a pat on the back, maybe even a nod of approval if your lucky, you really know how to please your parental choice). How much of an outcry can you do, when your parents are willing to leave you with any convenient ‘match’? When you feel that you will be marrying a stranger?

 

The context of marriage is so misused, they take advantage of the situation you’re in and abuse the dilemma you face, bitter and distraught you now turn away, walking from the family room, to what seems to be the least crowded place in the house, the bathroom.

 

These ‘parts’ of your life are supposed to be happy memories, once you look back at them, however, you question whether you will ever see yourself smiling at this situation in say ten years time?!

 

Some times its just the one parent (usually male, goes by the name of dad, father, pops or whatever you want to call the big man, head of household these days). Who even sees it fit for you to marry the potential (having double standards such as) you see, from back home its okay, if the potentials are uneducated (unlike you and your degree), have no steady income (unlike you and your nine to five job) hardly speak a word of English (unlike the way you use English, it may as well be your ‘mother tongue’) and that they can hardly differentiate their religious etiquettes from their cultural upbringing (which you separated a long time back when you realised that being Muslim isn’t just following a religion, it is a way of life). However if the same potential was from say the UK, then enquiries would be made into how much they earn, where they live, how educated they are, their religious contribution and the list goes on, until the whole interrogation takes it toll, and you feel so fed up that you wished you had never mentioned the potential individual, even though a thorough search is best.

 

You begin to think of your mother, (you know the one who carried you for nine months, if not less, she is your mummy) the woman who took care of your every need, she was there with you as an infant, she cared for you then, as she does for you now. Elders in any household usually have the most impact on those around them, everyone assumes they know better (probably due to the length of time they have spent gathering experience, imagine their CV).

 

Once again you find yourself being pulled in different directions; has the proposal come too early in your career ladder? Is the fact that the emotional pressure upon you to advance towards the proposal of marriage, too hasty?

 

The lack of power to make your own mind up steers you towards blaming someone, or something, as we all live in a ‘blame culture’ society, whereby we justify our actions by placing the blame upon another individual or situation. You blame yourself; maybe you did something in your life that has led to these circumstances you’re faced with today. But rather you should turn towards faith, your religion, which has always helped you through your trails, exercise patience, have a belief in Allah (SWT), for only Allah (SWT) can guide whom He wills, leave your affairs in His hands.

 

You could argue that it is worse for the females, in this crude situation (imagine if you were a lady, if you’re a woman and your reading this, then it wont be too hard). On one hand you have the family’s respect within the household to uphold, your decision will have a rippling effect upon the whole community it seems. On the other hand, you hear this little voice inside you say, you don’t know the guy, nor do your parents really, and the fact that he’s from back home means you will be doing the majority of leg work to insure that your both fed, clothed, and have an adequate roof over your heads, hmm, sounds like a bit of a role reversal here, I’m sure back in the day, that would be the male counterparts job, but then who is the ‘female’ to argue with on this?

 

Islam forbids parents to force their children into marriage with someone they don’t like. Aisha (RA) recorded that she asked the Prophet (PBUH) about marriages of young girls whose guardians arranged matches for them and whether or not it was necessary to consult the girl involved or not. He said ‘yes she must be consulted’ (Muslim). Islam gave women the right to reject spouses they did not want. Any Muslim parents who forces or trick their offspring into marriages they do not want are committing Haram. Moreover if either spouse is tricked or forced, that marriage is invalid in Shari’ah Law, and must be declared null and void in Western Law (Maqsood, 2006).

 

Marriage is supposed to be a joint effort it is something which takes time and both partners to make it succeed. The short fall comes when one is not willing to make things work, whilst the other is trying their up most to find harmony. Marriage is an Islamic duty, fulfilment of half of ones Deen.

 

To parents, no disrespect intended here, but one must ask, why then educate your child in the UK, if you want them to have the cultural knowledge of where you were born and brought up. Why then complain of the cultural clash that you receive when their lack of understanding is due to your own need to fit into the British culture and identity. Why use the whole arranged business when you know you just want to sell your cattle on, and feel free of responsibility. Learn to communicate and understand your child whilst they are young, when you know them, then you can easily find their compatible potentials! or just leave them alone!

 

 

Written by a Sister.

[Pujah]

Forced or arranged that is an interesting question to say the least but it’s also one that cannot be easily answered. You see for some arranged marriage is perfect, simply because they can’t fathom themselves going through the hassles of courting million and one potentials only to realize there is really no magic formula to make it work. They see marriage as one big leap of faith and what better way to make that leap than having the people that lived before you and have your best interest in mind do all the leg work. After all marriage is supposed to be religious duty so by involving your parents and immediately family you’re insuring yourself against any potential road pumps and since you are not emotionally involved with the person you can see things clearly and make educated guesstimate of the probable success rate before committing yourself. Plus you have at least 6 more eyes to scrutinize that person then your measly two set of eyes. So you see “arranged” for some is just another way of weeding through potential mates without putting themselves out there.

 

Ps. there is no stat that proves arranged marriages fail any more than other type of marriages.

 

PPS I don't really believe in arranged marriages

[-Lily-]

Sorry this article is way too long for me to read right now.

what better way to make that leap than having the people that lived before you and have your best interest in mind do all the leg work

Bit tricky & murky, you could love your mother and father and have nothing in common with them or disagree with them on many issues. I think only you know what is good for you once it comes to choosing your partner.

 

Lol P, after all that! I knew there was a but coming.

[Ibtisam]

^^^Lol^

 

Puujaa:

I think this issue is somewhat confusing, when does arranging become forcing: does harassment, emotional blackmail and pressure count as forced?. I always thought that forced is when someone comes and says "you better marry him or else.." without any other alternatives. But I have changed my mind recently, most so called arranged marriages, are dressed up forced marriages!.

 

Although arranged marriage is not a common thing in the Somali community (where you sit in room with your whole family and some poor fella who was dragged there kicking and screaming and his dad) but we do have something which is of similar dressing, which is almost as bad.

 

It is all well and good for you dad or mum (how uncomfortable and embarrassing is that) to point someone out or make suggestions, but where does their role end,.. when you say: okay I can see him mum, or when you speak with him, or are they like you side kick until the wedding?. I doubt anyone will trust their parents to pick someone, and they will happily turn up on the wedding day fully confident that the stranger picked out by so many wise eyes will be just what they would've picked.

[-Lily-]

Forced the Somali way is ‘duca had rabtiitd …’ such emotional blackmail rest on those words or the infamous words ‘duco ama habar’. Give me habar any day!

 

Basically anything that involves abusing that person's trust in you to influence them to make a decision they may not otherwise undertake is 'forced'.

[Aaliyyah]

Xanthus, I don't believe any one can be forced to marry some one nowadays. However, most Somali parents love to stick their nose in their children's love lives...hooyo maanta nin fiican aa soo arkaay kaalay iska arag, ninkas oo kale wali la ma arag lamana maqal, and they would brag about him. But, that doesnt mean you have to marry him, you have two options get to know him and see where that leads you, or just tell them you can find your own partner. It is really simple as that. There is no such thing as arrange marriage where you are forced and are being held by the collar in somali community.

 

But other cultures you would be surprised walahi, I have a friend from srilanka, she was telling me how she has to marry only those men their parents choose, like they have a say but it is limited. Like she can refuse the man her parents present, but she will have to wait till they have another suitable man, she cant look for a man on her own, that is unheard of.

 

So, I think as Somalis we get to choose our partners,parents do suggest but I am yet to see a somali parent forcing their daughters to marry a particular man. They can suggest, brag about him give him tons of compliments, ninkan wuxu ka dhashay reer wacan oo wuu shaqeestay oo wa dheeryahay oo wa qurxoonyahay bt thats all a talk..dhag ka gali dhagta kale ka saar. Dont pay them any attention, unless u are interested. In that case if you choose to get to know him or marry him, the choice was ultimately yours. Therefore, it is arranged marriage not forced.

 

 

wa salaamu alaikum

[Blessed]

I don't think arranged is bad at all. I wouldn't have minded if my family went out and found a Faarax that met my long list of requirements. In fact, when ever the question of marriage was directed at me, I would tell them that if they found a guy that fit into my ‘A-Z’ standard, I would marry him in a drop. Strangely it made them less eager to get rid of me. :confused:

 

Forced is when you’re not really given the choice as Lily said.

 

On parental involvement, it depends on how close you are to your parents in terms of personality and your relationship.

[Ibtisam]

AAliyah I love your world dear As pointed out by Lily Somali do indeed practice a form of arranged marriage, which is more common than I thought.

ninkan wuxu ka dhashay reer wacan oo wuu shaqeestay oo wa dheeryahay oo wa qurxoonyahay

lol

 

 

Lily; lool @ give me the habaar anyday.

 

Zenobia:

lool Hooyo wanted you to stay and do the dishes or something dee. lol at A-Z list of requirements, lets just say that scared everyone in your family to even try to look.

[Buuxo]

thats true Aaliya , that seems to be the way i have seen many somali parents having an influence in the marriage of their children. But having only seen somalis in my community, i fail to understand how a 16yr girl can marry a 50-60ish yr old man without any type of coercion.

[Pujah]

LOL @ “kala dooro habaar iyo duco” does that really happen in our community? Somehow I thought that used to be the case back in the 1800s only. :confused:

[ElPunto]

I like the ones that are arranged forcefully myself.

[Aaliyyah]

The point in that case just have your mom choose your partner, so u can have first hand experience.

[ElPunto]

^Aal - are you saying only certain types of people can arrange forcefully? How sexist.

 

For some without the smiling monster( ) all comments are assumed to be sincere. :rolleyes:

[Aaliyyah]

^^The point I wasnt being sexist, bt for the most part, somali mothers concern themselves with such issues.

[ElPunto]

^Kidding, kidding, kidding.