Yes, Minister Quotes...

[NGONGE]

Only bother with this if you've seen the show or if you're a fan of the way my guru writes.

 

 

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Minister, Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least the last 500 years: to create a disunited Europe. In that cause we have fought with the Dutch against the Spanish, with the Germans against the French, with the French and Italians against the Germans, and with the French against the Germans and Italians. Divide and rule, you see. Why should we change now when it's worked so well?

 

James Hacker: That's all ancient history, surely.

 

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes, and current policy. We had to break the whole thing up, so we had to get inside. We tried to break it up from the outside, but that wouldn't work. Now that we're inside we can make a complete pig's breakfast of the whole thing: set the Germans against the French, the French against the Italians, the Italians against the Dutch. The Foreign Office is terribly pleased, it's just like old times.

 

James Hacker: But if that's true, why is the foreign office pushing for higher membership?

 

Sir Humphrey Appleby: I'd have thought that was obvious. The more members an organization has, the more arguments it can stir up. The more futile and impotent it becomes.

 

James Hacker: What appalling cynicism.

 

Sir Humphrey Appleby: We call it diplomacy, Minister.

 

 

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Minister, I have something to say to you which you may not like to hear.

 

James Hacker: Why should today be any different?

 

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities has always been so determined as to liberate the ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose experience and qualifications have better formed them for the performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing their political overlords for the more onerous duties and profound deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant of their exalted position.

 

James Hacker: I wonder what made you think I didn't want to hear that?

 

 

James Hacker: So when this next comes up at Question Time, you want me to tell Parliament that it's their fault that the Civil Service is too big?

 

Sir Humphrey Appleby: But it is the truth, Minister.

 

James Hacker: I don't want the truth. I want something I can tell Parliament!

 

 

Jim: Who else is in this department?

 

Sir Humphrey: Well briefly sir I am the Permanent Undersecretary of State known as the Permanent Secretary, Wooley here is your Principle Private Secretary I too have a Principle Private Secretary, and he is the Principle Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary, directly responsible to me are ten Deputy Secretaries, eighty-seven Undersecretaries and two hundred and nineteen assistant secretaries, directly responsible to the Principle Private Secretaries are Plain Private Secretaries, and the Prime Minister will be appointing two Parliamentary Undersecretaries and you will be appointing your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.

 

Jim: Can they all type?

 

Sir Humphrey: None of us can type Minister, Mrs McKay types, she's the secretary.

 

 

Jim: What's an official reply?

 

Bernard: Well it just says the Minister has asked me to thank you for your letter and we say something like, the matter is under consideration, or even if we feel so inclined, under active consideration.

 

Jim: What's the difference?

 

Bernard: Well under consideration means we've lost the file, under active consideration means we're trying to find it.

 

 

Jim: Well anyway, why are we having an official visit from this tin pot little African country?

 

Sir Humphrey: Minister, I beg of you not to refer to it as a tin pot little African country. It's an LDC.

 

Jim: A what?

 

Sir Humphrey: Buranda is what was used to be called an under-developed country, however this term was largely regarded as offensive, so they became known as developing countries and then as less developed countries or LDC's. We are now ready to replace the term LDC with HRRC.

 

Jim: What's that?

 

Sir Humphrey: Human resource rich countries.

 

Jim: Which means?

 

Sir Humphrey: That they're grossly over-populated and begging for money.

 

 

Jim: Burandan Airways, they are doing well. How many planes have they got?

Sir Humphrey: None

Jim: your eyes Humphrey, what about that one?

Sir Humphrey: That one was chartered from Freddie Laker last week and repainted specially. Actually there was one 747 that belonged to nine different African airlines in one month, they called it the mumbo jumbo.

 

 

Sir Humphrey: In practical terms we have the usual six options. One do nothing, two issue a statement deploring the scene, three launch an official protest, four cut off aid, five break off diplomatic relations and six declare war.

Jim: Which should we do.

Sir Humphrey: Well if we do nothing we implicitly agree with the speech, two if we issue a statement we just look foolish, three if we lodge a protest it will be ignored, four we can't cut off aid because we don't give them any, five if we break off diplomatic relations we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts and six if we declare war it might just look as if we're over-reacting.

 

 

Jim: Twenty three thousand. In the Department for Administrative Affairs. Twenty three thousand people just for adMinistering other administrators. We have to do a Times-Motion study, see who we can get rid of.

Sir Humphrey: We did one of those last year.

Jim: And?

Sir Humphrey: It transpired that we needed another five hundred people.

 

 

Jim: Are you seriously telling me that there is no way we can cut down.

Sir Humphrey: I suppose we could loose one or two of the tea ladies.

 

Jim: But what are we actually going to do to slim down the civil service.

Sir Humphrey: Perhaps you care to glance at this entirely fresh proposal.

Jim: Proposal for the reduction of the number of tea ladies.

 

 

Jim: I'm still not happy with this report, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey: Then Minister we shall be happy to redraft it for you.

Jim: You've redrafted it three times already.

Bernard: That's not absolutely correct Minister.

Jim: Yes it is Bernard I can count. This is the third draft report.

Bernard: Yes quite so, therefore it has been drafted once and subsequently redrafted twice.

 

 

Sir Humphrey: Well Minister, if you asked me for a straight answer then I shall say that, as far as we can see, looking at it by and large, taking one time with another, in terms of the average of departments, then in the final analysis it is probably true to say that, at the end of the day, in general terms, you would find, that, not to put too fine a point on it, there probably wasn't very much in it one way or the other, as far as one can see, at this stage.

Jim: Is that yes or no?

Sir Humphrey: Yes and no.

Jim: Suppose you weren't asked for a straight answer.

Sir Humphrey: Oh, then I should play for time, Minister.

 

 

Sir Humphrey: Minister I have something to say to you which you may not like to hear.

Jim: Why should today be any different.

Sir Humphrey: Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities has always been so determined as to liberate the Ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose experience and qualifications have better formed them for the performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing their political overlords for the more onerous duties and profound deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant of their exalted position.

Jim: Now, whatever made you think I wouldn't want to hear that.

Sir Humphrey: Well I though it might upset you.

Jim: How could it, I didn't understand a single word. Humphrey for God's sake, for once in your life put it into plain English.

Sir Humphrey: If you insist. You are not here to run this Department.

 

 

Sir Humphrey: There are four words you have to work into a proposal if you want a Minister to accept it.

Sir Frank: Quick, simple, popular, cheap. And equally there are four words to be included in a proposal if you want it thrown out.

Sir Humphrey: Complicated, lengthy, expensive, controversial. And if you want to be really sure that the Minister doesn't accept it you must say the decision is courageous.

Bernard: And that's worse than controversial?

Sir Humphrey: (laughs) Controversial only means this will lose you votes, courageous means this will lose you the election.

 

 

Sir Humphrey: To put it absolutely bluntly, confidential investigations have proved the existence of certain documents whose provenance is currently unestablished, but whose effect if realised would be to precipitate a by-election.

Jim: What do you mean?

Sir Humphrey: You're on a death list, Minister.

 

 

Sir Humphrey: Well it was a conversation to the effect that in view of the somewhat nebulous and inexplicit nature of your remit and the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of your influence on the central deliberations and decisions within the political process, that there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities in such a way as to eliminate your liquidation from their immediate agenda.

Jim: They said that?

Sir Humphrey: That was the gist of it.

Jim: What does it mean, in English.

Sir Humphrey: Well it means that, they don't think you're really important enough for it to be worth assassinating you.

Jim: Oh.

 

 

Jim: Five standard excuses?

Sir Humphrey: Yes. First there's the excuse we used for instance in the Anthony Blunt case.

Jim: Which was?

Sir Humphrey: That there is a perfectly satisfactory explanation for everything, but security forbids its disclosure. Second there is the excuse we used for comprehensive schools, that it only gone wrong because of heavy cuts in staff and budget which have stretched supervisory resources beyond the limits.

Jim: But that's not true is it?

Sir Humphrey: No, but it's a good excuse. Then there's the excuse we used for Concorde, it was a worthwhile experiment, now abandoned, but not before it had provided much valuable data and considerable employment.

Jim: But that is true isn't it? Oh no, of course it isn't.

Sir Humphrey: The fourth, there's the excuse we used for the Munich agreement. It occurred before certain important facts were known, and couldn't happen again

Jim: What important facts?

Sir Humphrey: Well, that Hitler wanted to conquer Europe.

Jim: I thought everybody knew that.

Sir Humphrey: Not the Foreign Office.

Jim: Five?

Sir Humphrey: Five, there's the Charge of the Light Brigade excuse. It was an unfortunate lapse by an individual which has now been dealt with under internal disciplinary procedures

[Paragon]

Haha. I thank you for this.

[Paragon]

[cynical lady]

I simply just love this show, just love it.

 

In the victory for democracy episode;

 

Sir Humphrey: East Yemen, isn't that a democracy?

Sir Richard: Its' full name is the Peoples' Democratic Republic of East Yemen.

Sir Humphrey: Ah I see, so it's a communist dictatorship.

 

Foreign Minister: I don't think we could do that.

Jim: Why not?

Foreign Minister: The Foreign Office wouldn't wear it.

Jim: Are they here to follow our instruction or are we here to follow theirs?

Foreign Minister: Don't be silly.

 

Once you start interfering in the affairs of other countries you're on a very slippery slope.

Jim: We should always fight for the weak against the strong.

Sir Humphrey: Well then why don't we send troops Afghanistan to fight the Russians.

Jim: The Russians are too strong.

 

Jim: Are you telling me the Foreign Office is keeping something from me.

Bernard: Yes.

Jim: Well, what?

Bernard: Well I don't know, they're keeping it from me too.

Jim: How do you know?

Bernard: I don't know.

Jim: You just said that the Foreign Office is keeping something from me. How do you know if you don't know?

Bernard: I don't know specifically what, Prime Minister, but I do know that the Foreign Office keep everything for everybody. It's normal practise.

 

Jim: Who does know?

Bernard: May I just clarify the question? You are asking who would know what it is that I don't know and you don't know, but the Foreign Office know that they know, that they are keeping from you so that you don't know but they do know, and all we know is that there is something we don't know but we want to know but we don't know what because we don't know. Is that it?

Jim: May I clarify the question? Who knows Foreign Office secrets apart from the Foreign Office?

Bernard: Oh that's easy, only the Kremlin.

 

Show them (politicians) a map of the world and most of them have a job finding the Isle of Wight.

 

Sir Richard: If pressed we look at it again.

Bernard: And come up with a different view?

Sir Richard: Of course not, we come up with the same view.

 

Sir Richard: Standard Foreign Office response in a time of crisis. In Stage One we say that nothing is going to happen.

Sir Humphrey: Stage Two, we say something may be going to happen but we should do nothing about it.

Sir Richard: Stage Three, we say that maybe we should do something about it, but there's nothing we can do.

Sir Humphrey: Stage Four, we say maybe there is something we could have done, but it's too late now.

 

 

Jim: They seemed to think that eight hundred full armed paratroopers was an awful lot to send on a goodwill visit.

Israeli Ambassador: No, it's just an awful lot of goodwill.

 

Sir Humphrey: I gather that there's an airborne battalion in the air. Jim: Sounds like the right place for it.

 

Jim: I see that East Yemen is moving its' troops back to base.

Luke: Yes, Prime Minister.

Jim: Decided not to invade West Yemen, after all?

 

 

Jim: We need someone like you (Luke) in Tel Aviv to explain to them why we're always voting against them in the UN, don't we Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey: Yes, Prime Minister.

[cynical lady]

Jim Hacker: "Europe is a community of nations, dedicated towards one goal."

Sir Humphrey: "Oh, ha ha ha."

Jim Hacker: "May we share the joke, Humphrey?"

Sir Humphrey: "Oh Minister, let's look at this objectively. It's a game played for national interests, it always was. Why do you suppose we went into it?"

Jim Hacker: "To strengthen the brotherhood of Free Western nations."

Sir Humphrey: "Oh really. We went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans."

Jim Hacker: "So why did the French go into it then?"

Sir Humphrey: "Well, to protect their inefficient farmers from commercial competition."

Jim Hacker: "That certainly doesn't apply to the Germans."

Sir Humphrey: "No no, they went in to cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for readmission to the human race."

Jim Hacker: "I never heard such appalling cynicism. At least the small nations didn't go into it for selfish reasons."

Sir Humphrey: "Oh really? Luxembourg is in it for the perks; the capital of the EEC, all that foreign money pouring in."

Jim Hacker: "Very sensible central location."

Sir Humphrey: "With the administration in Brussels and the Parliament in Strasbourg? Minister, it's like having the House of Commons in Swindon and the Civil Service in Kettering."

 

Sir Humphrey: "Shall we attend the conference in Brussels?"

Jim Hacker: "What?"

Sir Humphrey: "Word processing.."

Jim Hacker: "Ah... well, does it take place before or after the reshuffle?"

Sir Humphrey: "Well, who can say?"

Jim Hacker: "Ah, well there you are, you see. No. I known this sort of thing happen before: one day you are out of your office, next day you are out of office."

 

Jim Hacker: "Brussels is a shambles. You know what they say about the average Common Market official: he has the organizing ability of the Italians, the flexibility of the Germans, and the modesty of the French. And that's topped up by the imagination of the Belgians, the generosity of the Dutch and the intelligence of the Irish."

 

[Talking about defying the word processing directive from Brussels]

Jim Hacker: "But we can't stab our partners in the back and spit in their face."

Bernard Woolley: "You can't stab anyone in the back, while you spit in their face."

 

Jim Hacker: "The trouble with Brussels is not internationalism, it is too much bureaucracy."

Sir Humphrey: "But the bureaucracy is a consequence of the internationalism. Why else would there be an English Commissioner with a French Director-General immediately below him, and an Italian Chef-du-Division reporting to the Frenchman and so on down the line."

Jim Hacker: "Oh, I agree."

Sir Humphrey: "It is like the Tower of Babel."

Jim Hacker: "I agree."

Sir Humphrey: "No, it's even worse, it is like the United Nations."

Jim Hacker: "I agree."

Bernard Woolley: "Then perhaps, if I may interject, you are in fact in agreement."

Jim Hacker & Sir Humphrey: "No we're not!"

[Paragon]

^CL, you must be a politician in waiting.

[cynical lady]

Me? I have absolutely no ambition in that direction.

[Salahudin]

lol@Me? I have absolutely no ambition in that direction.

 

Dont they all say that when ask about their polictical ambitions

 

Thanks for posting it, Ngonge...i enjoyed the way they portrayed the Foreign Office

[MAXIMUS POWERS]

has anyone seen The Thick Of It on the BBC. its sharp, quite similar to the office in its style. and the new series starts this saturday. cant wait.

 

The Thick of it - Ipod rant

[Valenteenah.]

I love 'Yes, Minster'.

 

 

Originally posted by J11:

[NGONGE]

I only expected the 'script' to be the only one that even heard of this show. Meri laddo, you surprise me!

[chubacka]

U bunch of nerds!

 

roll on eastenders.

[Paragon]

Originally posted by Valenteenah.:

I love 'Yes, Minster'.

 

 

quote:

---

Originally posted by J11:

Loooool@The Sun readers don't care about who runs the country as long as she's got big *&*(&(

 

Haha